At first I was sad, crying; now I'm just plain mad! Bear with me, this story does have to do with my lap band!

I was banded mid-June, my husband is the only one that knows and he has been so supportive. My family is just way to judgmental, and would be watching everything that went into my mouth, asking why I wasn't losing weight faster, saying I took the "easy way out", etc.

My mother is elderly and doesn't drive and needs to be taken to many appointments every week. As a stay-at-home Mom of 2, that job always fell to me, even though I have 3 siblings that have felxible schedules. I or my husband have taken my mother to almost all of her appointments for the past 5 years. Because we have been busy this summer, and I have been helping my husband with his business, I asked my sister to take my mother to a couple of appointments. All week long she said she would, no problem, she had next Wednesday off. Tuesday morning, my phone rings. She just has to talk to me. She wanted to know why I'm not living up to MY responsibility concerning my mother. Now, I do all my mothers bills, shopping, pay the extra if she runs out of money for the month, am her power of attorney and health care proxy. I love my mother, but this can be burdensome sometimes. Anyway, my sister decided that since we were "already in an argument" it was time she got a few other things off her chest. She decided to tell me that I look "disgusting" to her and have completely let myself go weight wise. As I stated, I had lap band surgery last month and have lost 25 pounds, down to 211. I was just starting to feel good about myself and she comes out with this! I have been kind of avoiding her since the surgery because when I went into the hospital for my "ulcer surgery" (that's what we told her and I was home same day) she said "oh please I hope you're not having gastric bypass, that would be ridiculous and stupid". I sad "no", which was true. She never once asked me how I was feeling, or if she could help me out.

After she called me "disgusting" the conversation went down from there. She had found out that after a long and agonizing time we finally decided to try medication for our daughter's ADHD. She is a great kid but has struggled greatly because of her ADHD. We decided on a trial of medication, and we can always stop the meds if we don't like the outcome. My sister proceeded to tell me that ADHD meds meant lazy parenting, and that's probably why I am so disgustingly fat and I just want to drug my child to avoid watching her, to basically make her into a zombie. I was shocked! We agonized over the meds for her and just want to help her be the best she can be! My older daughter is a straight - A student, and to be honest my sister has always acted jelous of that, because her kids aren't, but I always look at all the children as individuals with their own strengths and don't make comparisons. Finally, my sister said that because I hadn't called her in a couple of weeks, it must mean that I am just sitting at home, watching tv and eating. I told her that my life didn't evolve around her, and that I had other things to do and people to do them with. I really think she's losing it!! She said because I didn't have a job outside the home I basically had no life. This coming from a person who has three kids, goes through a boyfriend every few months and makes her older kids babysit so that she can hang out at a local dive bar, and I have no life? I then later find out she's been calling mutual friends and telling them that I called her "crazy", her son "abnormal" (I did mention that he may have adhd to) and that I am no longer welcome in her home or at any family events she holds. I have always been close to all my siblings, but this blew me away! She's also telling people that my other sister and brother refuse to talk to me (not true I talk to them at least twice a week, my brother and husband work together and we are very close.) It seems to be a pattern that she trashes people to make herself look good, she never takes any responsibility for her own actions. She plays people against each other. Did I also mention she thinks she's gods gift to all men (she's thin), which is why she lost her best friend since HS, telling her that because she was looking good (my sister) that she thought her friends husband wanted her?!

Sorry to rant on and on, but with this surgery I've tried to become an all around better person, to learn to forgive, to improve my health and I felt I was succeeding until this!! She made me feel absolutely horrible. I should have known what she was thinking, I lost 75 pounds about 10 years ago, and she said "Thank god you lost some weight, you were looking reallly bad." I gained it all back, so like I said, you know what she's been thinking and saying to people. My other sister and brother both weigh much more then me, I don't dare tell them what she said, I wouldn't want to make them feel bad. But I'm sure she's called them and made me look bad...

Do I turn the other cheek and try to get past this or cut her out of my life for a while? Her two older children are more then just neices to me, she had them when she was 18 and 20 and I watched them most of the time, they even spent entire weekends at my house. I still see them daily as they can and do walk to my house (we live close to each other) and they've remarked that their mother goes into nonsensical rantings toward them all of the time, which other people have witnessed. Could my sister be having some sort of mental problem or is she just mean? What should I do? I just don't want to talk to her anymore, but I feel for her kids and she is my sister. She did tell her oldest to tell me if I apologized for causing 100% of the argument, she would "consider" talking to me. Of course after she's already trashed me around town and has such a bad opinion of me. I really feel deep down this is how she feels, because I am college educated but my husband and I decided I'd stay home and because I am over weight I am a loser. I don't think this opinion will change. Knowing her, as I lose weight she'll probably take credit becasue she gave me "tough love"....

All I can say is Wow....

This has little to do with the band, and much more to do with your psychotic sis.

Next she'll be telling everyone ur losing weight due to a crack habit!

I can truly understand what you're going through !

Please understand one thing.....it is not you ! It truly is your sister. I have two siblings like her....imagine that....there are only 3 of us....I'm on my own now because of crap they have pulled on Mom and I had to get involved to make things ok.

I can only imagine the stories they tell about me. I have heard about a few, but I truly don't care. My decision a long time ago was to dis-own them because of what they did to Mom.

It's all gossip and they have no idea what they are talking about. They talk to Aunts and Uncles that I have stayed in touch with and have been very upfront and honest with. They know the whole story from me.

Don't let her bother you after doing something awesome for yourself like Lap Band ! I don't even know you, but I'm sure you didn't just sit on the couch watching tv and eating bonbons, too lazy to do anything. I don't think that's how any of us got the way we are ! :party:

That's my opinion and I am a little hard headed sometimes.....LOL :Banane34:

You know we're here for you, please don't let other peple make you feel terrible, I know your Mom appreciates what you do for her, she may not understand Lap Band, consider her age, don't take it personal. I have to do that with my Mom sometimes. I know she loves me !

Have a great rest of the weekend !!!!!!! :huh2:

I don't know if I'm doing this right, but here goes. I read your entire entry with ravenous interest. Your life sounds like a version of mine. It's your sister that has a problem. You are doing MORE than is fair for your mom. Do what is right for you, be fair to others (and you are), and consider that your sister has issues. I thought I was the only one who would keep my band to myself; I fully understand. I guess I'm thinking that people will say that I took the easy way out-since I'm obviously lazy and only lie on the couch and watch t.v. and continuously eat. I'm not yet banded, but have completed everything and am awaiting a call to schedule. I'm trying to be realistic about it. I need to hear from others who have kids, we have five, and how they remain normal with the cooking, etc. I hope you are able to figure this out on your own, I don't expect your sister to admit any wrong doing in word or deed. Live YOUR life and let your sister live hers. Congratulations!!:biggrin2:

hi mom of five we also have five children and since we are a one income the children will be learning to change their eating habits real quick! not without its treats here and there..if you want to talk feel free to pm me!!:biggrin2:

i feel for you with a sister like that who needs enemies!!!!!

Jeter2,

Well, my post got lost but what I "had" said was I can relate. Are you the youngest? I wouldn't wish this birth order on my worst enemy. I have no voice.

I'm also home now, I have 7 kids and a grandbaby we're raising. My mother just diagnosed with cancer and a lame, smartmouth, self centered sister. I'm sick of her. I have two brothers and they think they're doing what they can to help. Me, my kids, and my grandbaby are here from 7 or 8 am to 1130 at night and this stupid woman thinks I'm not suppose to say anything.

I'd love to compare notes with you!

P.S., My 8yo son has ADHD and he's adopted too.

Edited August 3, 200817 yr by klbs
Addressed to Post Starter and added information

Well, my post got lost but what I "had" said was I can relate. Are you the youngest? I wouldn't wish this birth order on my worst enemy. I have no voice.

I'm also home now, I have 7 kids and a grandbaby we're raising. My mother just diagnosed with cancer and a lame, smartmouth, self centered sister. I'm sick of her. I have two brothers and they think they're doing what they can to help. Me, my kids, and my grandbaby are here from 7 or 8 am to 1130 at night and this stupid woman thinks I'm not suppose to say anything.

I'd love to compare notes with you!

I must have done my first comments wrong because everyone thinks I'm the one with the mean sister. I was responding to the girl with the mean sister. I am about to schedule my surgery and my sisters are happy that I'm about to do it. I hope I can straighten this out.

You have all made me feel so much better. I really needed to hear from other people that could relate to my struggles. My sister and I are 3 years apart, and we had always been close growing up. It really hurts when she treats me like this, and I think you guys are right, she's not happy with her life. But she would never admit it, she always has to act like she's more popular, better looking and in complete control-- like she's still in high school. (We're in our mid and late 30's.) Part of me wants to help her, part of me wants to never talk to her again. I think I need to take a break from her, at least temporarily. We're going camping next week and her kids are going with us, so I can spend some time with them. (She will never thank me for taking them camping with us-- never has.) I never say anything bad about her to them, but I know she puts me down in front of them. Being teenagers now, I think they see the truth but that's sad because it is their Mom and I know they love her. As for the fact that she may be Bipolar, this may be true. My mother is bipolar. I make sure she takes her meds so she is stable now, but I know bipolar can be hereditary and my sister shows some signs. WW III would erupt if I brought this up though! It's like this-- put up with her so I'm there when she needs me or feel guilty by cutting off our relationship and not being there if something bad happens. When we were children and my Mom had to be hospitalized, I always tried to protect my sister from everything going on around us as she was younger then I was. And this is how I now get treated?

As for my daughter's ADHD, thanks you guys for the support. Along w/ meds she's getting counseling and lots of support at her school. She is a wonderful, happy little girl who just happens to have trouble with memory and concentrating. We adopted her from China when she was a year and a day old (now 7). My other bio daughter is 10, and then there's my husband. They're both great, too. I am blessed and I should not let others get me down! But why do some people have to be so darn hurtful? :teeth_smile:

All I can say is Wow....

This has little to do with the band, and much more to do with your psychotic sis.

Next she'll be telling everyone ur losing weight due to a crack habit!

Don't I know it! When I lost weight before (never getting out of the overweight/borderline obese category) she told most of the family I was anorexic! I was actually eating more then ever and just had a very physical job, was just out of college with no kids or husband and my best friend was a work out addict so I'd tag along. I gained all the weight back, so I guess my anorexia is cured! (No disrespect to those suffering w/ an eating disorder.)

Oh Boy...Having spent last night and today upset with family members I can truly say I feel your pain. Mine is not as viscous as your sister was to you but I believe it hurt as deeply. She is definitely the one with the problem. IF she tries to speak to you again do not tell her anything about your family. Refuse to speak about your weight with her. She owes you a hugh apology. Just because she is your sister doesnt mean you have to like her. Like my Dad used to say " you can pick your friends, you can pick your nose :teeth_smile: but you cant pick your family". Concentrate on the things and people that are important to you. She is toxic and can only bring you down. Best of luck and lots of positive thoughts out to you!

Wow I gotta say your sister is one messed up person, You sure shes not on drugs? and definally put some distance betweeen her and you. But you dont have to do the same to her kids. They probably realize their moms being a B**** too. Just do what you can to stay in touch with the kids and not your sister.

I Have been a caregiver for my father in law and I have 2 sons with ADHD So I know what your going through. We tried tons of alternatives for both boys from diets to holistic and each time ended up on meds. With the oldest I had to call it stop when his doctor keep adding stronger more nasty meds. When he refused to eat and could sleep. He stoped them all and did so much better after. He didn't finish high school though cause of it. But he went on to job corps and once in a environment where he could work his own pace he flew through all his GED courses and all the computer courses he took in record time.

Now on the youngest he is on concerta only because my insurance wont pay for anything else till we try it first. And he did ok on it last year but its not the answer. I am not happy with the results. Ever 5-6 months it seems like they have to raise the dose and that i dont like so we are gonna see if the doctora can push the insurance to try something else.

Again with him we tried diets, modified behavior programs at home etc. and none work well with him. But one thing the new doc has reasured me about is that its a learning process and what works for one kid doesnt work for the next and it can be frustrating. Having a doc that realizes this and works with you is crucial.

Important thing is dont let your screwed in the head sister ruin the good thing you got going, grats on the weight loss!!!

Grrrrr!!!! Your sister just peeved me off so badly. She obviously knows which buttons to push to really hurt you. To heck with that.

You carry on being strong and being the person you are. Just shrug your shoulders and know deep in your heart that you are the better person for taking care of your mom and now yourself too.

You are entitled to be good to yourself and be happy. If I were you I would take what she said with a pinch of salt but you need to tell her how much she hurt you by saying "x..y...z" and tell her you will no longer stand for that kind fo talk again. If she cannot treat you with kindness, love and respect then once she has learnt to do so YOU´LL decide to talk to her again.

(I have a younger sister that has a sharp sting when she is angry and says things in the heat of the moment that hurt so badly - I keep hoping that she´ll grow out of that, but at 33 y/o, she still hasn´t)

I have learned that you can say goodbye and good riddance to family members who live to hurt others. I have siblings that are like your sister and what I have done is to just go on with my life. Your sister's probably jealous of you and your life the one that she wants and has yet to find it. She need's help and probably medication too. If anyone listens to her garbage then you are better off without them too.

Stay strong! Do not let miserable people bring you down to their level it’s a very lonely place to be and that’s why they want you there. Misery loves company.

Edited August 3, 200817 yr by bklyn1984
Fonts too small

I have learned that you can say goodbye and good riddance to family members who live to hurt others. I have siblings that are like your sister and what I have done is to just go on with my life. Your sister's probably jealous of you and your life the one that she wants and has yet to find it. She need's help and probably medication too. If anyone listens to her garbage then you are better off without them too.

Stay strong! Do not let miserable people bring you down to their level it’s a very lonely place to be and that’s why they want you there. Misery loves company.

I guess when I replied to Jeter it looked like her entry was mine. My entry was separate at the bottom of hers.

I guess when I replied to Jeter it looked like her entry was mine. My entry was separate at the bottom of hers.

i totally got that and my post looked like the second part was directed at you i guess me putting space between the two didnt work like i wanted it to:rolleyes2:

bc my first have was directed at you...

I am so sorry I can't yet reply to this :biggrin: and breathe........

Hi Jeeter,

First of all, kudos to you for getting banded. More kudos for getting your child medication. It can make a huge difference in a life, once you find the right balance. And Big giant HUGE kudos for taking care of your mother.

I will not give you advice about your sister. I will give you advice for yourself, however. Please buy a book called, "Safe People" and read it.

You have every right to be sad, mad, and tremendously hurt by her attack. Just make an effort not to let it ruin a happy life for you.

I took care of my mother for her remaining five years on this earth. At times I was very resentful that my siblings didn't do more. But now that she has been gone two years, I realize that it was they that they were cheating, and not me. I have a thousand wonderful memories, and all the struggle and sacrifice seems mightily insignificant! Keep the faith!

Good luck!