I gotta run right now, but I'll be back to post more..... I just thought it would be cool to start a thread on "Forgiveness". Maybe we'll all be better for it.

Who is it that you need to forgive?

Have you made any progress?

Need some help getting there?

Apples2 -- Believe me, I am not challenging you here... only asking that you consider the benefits of moving toward a state of forgiveness toward your abuser. He may not "deserve" forgiveness in your opinion, but that doesn't really matter. What does matter is that you will find TRUE peace if you work on it.

You say in one post that you "are now truly happy", but in the next post say "I live with the horror of what happened to me every day. I am only able to live a somewhat functional life after 5 years of therapy." To me it doesn't sound like you're "truly happy"...and perhaps you could be if you could learn to forgive your abuser.

I understand it may seem impossible to think you could ever do so, but it's actually not impossible. If you only move toward it you will begin to realize the benefit to YOURSELF and will find subsequent steps easier and easier to take. Sainthood is definitely NOT a requirement.

You may even find you don't need any more therapy!

I really, really, REALLY don't mean to come off sounding all preachy... I only offer these suggestions as food for thought. I realize that the thought of forgiveness probably rarely crosses your mind.... but maybe it is time to consider it. Maybe this thread is exactly what you needed to read at this particular time in your life. Maybe this is synchronicity.

Or maybe it's just another silly thread on a lap band forum.

Edited June 10, 200818 yr by TerriDoodle

Good article Terri.

For me, it is necessary that I forgive in order to move on. I've tried trying to put it out of my mind and ignoring the person but it doesn't work. I don't like feeling resentment or anger towards anyone. It interferes with my everyday life and just makes me feel terrible. Everyone is different though, and not everyone has the need to forgive like I do.

I think many times people think that forgiveness means you need to forget too, and that's just not so. Many people have wronged me and I've forgiven them, but I haven't forgotten what they did. I definitely learned from it though. Anyway, that's my thoughts on the subject.

Good article Terri.

For me, it is necessary that I forgive in order to move on. I've tried trying to put it out of my mind and ignoring the person but it doesn't work. I don't like feeling resentment or anger towards anyone. It interferes with my everyday life and just makes me feel terrible. Everyone is different though, and not everyone has the need to forgive like I do.

I think many times people think that forgiveness means you need to forget too, and that's just not so. Many people have wronged me and I've forgiven them, but I haven't forgotten what they did. I definitely learned from it though. Anyway, that's my thoughts on the subject.

Good points! And people may think they need to let their "enemy" know they've been forgiven....and that's not necessarily so either!

In my case, my "enemy" moved out of my life long, long ago. I lived with bitterness for a very long time but when I finally forgave him, I certainly didn't feel the need to ring him up to let him know!! LOL It was a personal thing I did only for myself.

Terri...I could see where you thought my post contradicted each other. Sometimes it would be easier face to face when talking about a subject that is so intense.

I do live with the hell of what happened every day. It's part of me. I have learned to let so much of it go but it will always be there. The point I made of being "truly happy" is because I have filled so many voids in my life and moved on the best I could. I did not say that I have not forgiven. I said I have not done at total forgiveness.

As far as the "somewhat functional life" I live...it's the best that I can do with the damage that has been done. I said I was at peace after confronting my abuser and I mean that. I believe I have made great strides in working very hard to live as normal as possible after the trauma that was inflicted on me.

I do not walk around with great anger in me. There is just part of me that will never forgive him "totally"

That is good to hear.

I do not pretend to even have a clue about what it is like to live with the kind of hell you have had to endure in your life...not a freaking clue...so please understand that I was not 'preaching' at all. Like I said, it is just food for thought. As you can imagine, some people have never ever even considered that forgiveness is an option. It wasn't an option for me for a very long time until someone suggested it to me, and showed me the way, and I was liberated.

Best of everything to you...and I mean that sincerely.

Thanks Terri....I appreciate your concern but it is what it is. I have to hang on to that little bit of not forgiving. He ruled me for so many years...it's my way of having the upper hand and in some way I feel like I am protecting myself. I cannot let him off the hook totally.

Terri, I understand where you are coming from. I Have forgiven many people in my life. The one of the two that wont ever receive my forgiveness did something just unforgivable. *shrugs*

*shrugs again* See but the difference is, these aren't my 'bed fellows' (the grudges) they are what they are and I live my life.

Like I said, I have forgiven many people in my life, two that will never get that are for damn good reasons but I don't obsess over them or the fact I wont forgive them, in fact this is the first time in a damned long time I have given either much thought.

What if I'm the one who needs forgiveness?

It may help to spend some time thinking about the offense you've committed and trying to determine the effect it has had on others. Unless it may cause more harm or distress, consider admitting the wrong you've done to those you've harmed, speaking of your sincere sorrow or regret, and specifically asking for forgiveness — without making excuses.

But if this seems unwise because it may further harm or distress, don't do it — it's not about making yourself feel better by apologizing. You don't want to add salt to a painful wound. Also, keep in mind that you can't force someone to forgive you. They will need to move to forgiveness in their own time.

In any case, we have to be willing to forgive ourselves. Holding on to resentment against yourself can be just as toxic as holding on to resentment against someone else. Recognize that poor behavior or mistakes don't make you worthless or bad.

Accept the fact that you — like everyone else — aren't perfect. Accept yourself despite your faults. Admit your mistakes. Commit to treating others with compassion, empathy and respect. And again, talking with a spiritual leader, mental health provider or trusted friend or relative may be helpful.

Forgiveness of yourself or someone else, though not easy, can transform your life. Instead of dwelling on the injustice and revenge, instead of being angry and bitter, you can move toward a life of peace, compassion, mercy, joy and kindness.

I so needed this today Terry.....

Kat

Yeah, I thought about this last night....whether I should ask forgiveness (or at least make a sincere apology) from my ex-husband about certain failures on my part. But he'd probably think I was trying to get back together with him or something...LOL...and I certainly don't want him thinking THAT!! Eeeek!! I'll ponder it some more and maybe someday the time will be right or I'll come up with just the right words.

Good point Kat! Forgiving others is a lot easier for me than forgiving myself. Guilt is a strong emotion to overcome and I agree...it's just as important to forgive yourself as it is to forgive others.

You know...I just found out today, right now, that just letting something go (or someone) and moving on with life without giving it another thought is a form of forgiveness. I guess I do forgive after all. I could always "forgive" the little things. Major things or a BUNCH of little things that add up over time....I just walk away from it/them and go on with life. Glad to know I was doing the healthy thing! LOL

I need to learn how to forgive MYSELF. I make mistakes...I am human like everyone else. I am always too hard on myself when skip something, or make a small mistake etc. If I miss a day of exercise I get mad at myself and work my body twice as hard the next day probably doing more harm than good. Stuff like that. If I slip of and eating something I shouldn't have, or go over my calorie intake. I need to tell myself it was a mistake and not beat myself up over it like I do.

So Jasmine heres to you...I am sorry for trying to push you too hard and not giving myself any room to breathe or for simple mistakes.

I am not so sure about this word called "forgiveness" I have made peace inside myself over certain things that have happened in my life but I cannot say that I have totally forgiven anyone (or want to). I have taken certain steps to confront the people who ripped my world apart and felt so very much peace after confronting them, having my say and then leaving the ball in their court.

I was continually raped by my brother from the time I was seven until I was seventeen. (He was much older than I). I confronted my mother about this 13 years ago and I was no longer allowed in her life. She went to her death bed two years ago still living the lie. Three years ago I wrote a letter to my bastard brother confronting him with everything he had done to me. I felt a certain peace come over me. Most of the horrid anger I had pent up eased it's way out of me.

I have had no family contact since 1996. It's the way it has to be in order to save myself and keep my children away from demented family members. I attribute a lot of my weight gain to the stress of living without my family of origin. But, I am now truly happy. I have brought people into my life that have filled the void and I am blessed.

Total forgiveness? I don't think so!!!!!!!!

This post brought up a lot of emotions for me. It wasn't my brother that raped me though. It was my father. At age 5 he started doing it and let his friends in on it too until I was 11 and my mom finally came to her senses and divorced him.

I don't think ever in my wildest dreams I could forgive him. I just want to see him someday and tell him how much he screwed up my life. And then tell him I am a better person than he will ever be!!!

Ugh.:biggrin::rolleyes2:

I was molested for ten years by an uncle and by my father, with my mother's complicity.

I have not found it necessary to forgive any of them. I HAVE found it necessary to finally let go of it. Children who are molested have their self image distorted and their self esteem severly damaged for many many years.

Until you let go of it, you have granted them power to affect you. It's the same with being fat. I let it go. I am safe now.

It just pisses me off that it took me almost fifty years to find freedom. There is no justice.

Hastings.....Can you imagine living in that hell of guilt, and for lack of a more generic word, "Godlessness"? Whether or not you believe in God, heaven and/or hell, I firmly believe that there is justice for people like that.... but we may not understand it or see it happening in front of us. Personally, I believe in 'karma' and know deep within my heart that they will suffer immensely for the pain they caused you....sooner or later.