Let me tell you what happened to me. My "best" friend is 5'3'' and weighs 110 pounds soaking wet. And I noticed that right after my surgery(1/30.08), she was starting to withdraw from me a little, but I kinda let it go. Finally, last week, I confronted her and asked her what was wrong and to my shock, she told me that she had always really seen me as the fat person, and now that I'm losing she doesn't really know me anymore . Then, to make matters worse, she said that she felt like being with me when I was (and still am, for a while, anyway) fat makes her feel better about herself and I got the strong impression that that's why she kept me around.

She told me this to my face. We have been friends for 10 years. I am hurt by this. I know part of me should tell her to shove it, but I am still a little bewildered. I'm also MAD. I havent spoken to her since this conversation, though she has called several times....WHAT SHOULD I DO??:thumbup:

My own perspective: It's always distressing to lose a friend...yet that is part of the Natural Order.

Over the years, through MANY stages, I've lost friends at each change in my own life. And theirs as well.

When I drank beer and quit, some of my friends drifted away. When I moved away from classic hot rods and motor vechicles...my friends list changed. After riding motorcycles everywhere for over 40 years and suddenly lost the fever, they motored off without me. When I quit other outdoors experiences-hunting, fly fishing, etc....most of them went on down the trail without me. And so it was with many other phases.

When I graduated from various schools, or moved....the list in my phone book also changed.

Without looking too deeply into the psychodynamics of this matter...and without plotting revenge or falling into self-pity or 'you dirty dog' style of interpersonal jousting....

what you take from this is memories. Maybe you will rekindle your friendship, maybe not. Frankly, that she was able to verbalize so well is surprising. And what you do with HER is not so important as what SHE does now with HERSELF.

You will be plenty busy as you head into your New Life. She can be part of it, or not. You can shut her out, shut her up, or invite her in. Any way you do it, you have gained from that past relationship.

Life moves onward. New relationships await; old ones mutate, evolve or disintegrate. There is no point in 'being destroyed'. Friendship is as fragile as wildflowers in the meadow....and as self-renewing.

Thank you Jack. I like your perspective.

Karen

My good friend was interested in getting the band until she found out that her insurance does not cover it. She cannot pay for it herself nor borrow the money, so it's a no go.

She has excused herself out of it by telling me that she is more social than I am and that it would diminish her activities of going out with others to eat. I know this is an excuse to make her feel better. I love her anyway.

And I'm damn social!! hahaha-after all, I made a BUNCH of friends right here on line! (and I am grateful)

Tuesday is the day!!! (down 13 from preop) Wish me luck!

I agree with tapshoes about low self esteem. If she states that she was comfortable as you being the "fat" person in the relationship it sounds like she is insecure with her own body. She was probably more comfortable around you since ya'll were apples and oranges. Now you two are both going to be apples. I applaud her for telling you her true feelings, it is a bump in the road of your friendship. The ball is now in your court.

Normally I would say you are better off with out. But, something kept me from saying that. I have been racking my brain to put words to it and I finally think I can.

I wouldn't' write off your friend just yet. It sounds to me like right now what she really needs is a friend. Be that friend to her and show her that fat, medium, or skinny you are still who you are. Your outside packaging isn't going to change that, you will just be better packaged. Right now she needs you to be there for her, explain how hurt you were by her statements, but understand low self esteem and self body images better then anyone. Offer to team up with her to help you BOTH change how you and she see yourself. It wont be a walk in the park, but together I think the both of you can make this friendship so much stronger instead of you (or her) leaving it behind.

If it were me, and I were to accept one of her calls, I would probably say something to the effect that I'm very hurt, and very shocked to find out that someone who I thought was my best friend, was essentially my friend only because my shortcomings made her feel better about herself.

I haven't had anyone actually say anything to me. But someone who was my best friend in high school has cancer, and I had to find out about it on her blog.

Princess, I'm sorry to hear of your friendship problems. You've been friends for a long time and I can imagine this has to be hurtful for you. Maybe your friend just needed to get this off her chest how she has been feeling. I doubt she 100% kept your friendship because she felt better about herself being around you. There had to be more to it than that, and maybe that part of your friendship has just been exemplified because of your recent successes in losing weight. I know this is true because she now is trying to make an effort to contact you.

Give her the benefit of the doubt, and if necessary maybe you two should talk it out more. It might have seemed harsh at the time, but I think it was good for her to come forward and express how she was feeling. That also tells me that you two had something less shallow than how she comes off to be. It would be so much better than for you two to just drift off and you would always wonder "why"... That really would have been unfair to both of you.

I hope it works out for you!

I think you should call her back to find out what she wants. If she truly felt that way, why would she be calling you? We all make mistakes in this world, say things we don't mean in the heat of the moment. Have a heart-to-heart with her. She may have issues of her own and she may need you in her life right now. Find out for sure before throwing away a ten year relationship. If it is one you want to keep, fight for it! If not, let her go her own way. Either way at least you will know.

It would seem that your friend has an issue - and it isn't with you, but with her perception of herself. She has low self-esteem, and by being with you, this made her feel good. This is very sad - for both of you. I would respond to her calls to have a chat - explain that you are hurt, and sad for her. That you valued your friendship but as she apparently was only interested in a relationship so that she could feel good about herself, it is unhealthy for you to remain friends.

Give her the opportunity to apologize, to realize what she is doing and (if you both want) help her to adjust to the new reality. Otherwise, part ways. But try to do it leaving the door open for her to contact you if/when she matures.

I am sorry you are going through it; I am saddened to think that others are as well.

I absolutely agree!! I would hear her out before parting ways, especially since she's made the effort to call you a few times since that conversation.

OK. I got home from work today and she was sitting on my fromt porch(she lives 2 blocks away). She wanted to talk, and I explained to her how hurt I am feeling, and she apologized. I still get the feeling that she just doesnt get it, and honestly things between us will never be the same. She kept saying "I don't know what to say except I'm sorry". So we really didin't get much of anywhere and I'm frustrated. At least I got to tell her how I feel, and that made me feel a little better. I appreciate all of the advice and support A LOT.....

Ashlee

Screw her! That was disrespectful and uncalled for. She was never a friend to you. If I were you, I would never speak to her again but that's just me. I usually am a very forgiving person but when it comes to stuff like that, there's no forgiving it.

Sorry to be so blunt it just makes me mad when people who are supposedly your friends show their real colors :wink2:

I had tons of friends years ago when I was thin. As I gained weight, it became harder and harder for me to find and make friends. I guess fat people are intimidating????? That has been a source of pain, frustration, heart ache and lonliness for a long time. Frankly, I'm looking forward to making a whole bunch of new friends who never knew me as fat. The few gems I still have, love me no matter what, but it will be nice to have a variety of girlfriends to accent the different aspects of my self. Especially the new aspects that I haven't discovered yet.

Don't write her off. She needs to get through her head that you are the same person, just thinner. My best friend of 40 years made the comment to me that I was going to "look funny" as I lost weight. I've always been the fat one, she the really skinny one. My response was "get over it". I know that she didn't mean to be hurtful when she said that, but I told her that was not the type of support I needed. If she had nothing nice to say, then to STFU. It came down to the fact that she didn't have a good understanding of what I was doing (surgery wise). I sent her a lots of stuff to read, we talked a lot about the changes I would be making, she asked lots of questions, and then we were good. She's one of my best supports and is actually excited by the fact that I'm a food picker like she has always been, and we can save money by sharing meals!! Give your friend a chance. People say things that are hurtful often when they don't understand. Include her in your journey so she has a better grasp of what you are doing to have a better life. Good luck.

I agree with Jack. She must have taken her time to really consider how and why she was feeling negative things towards you and it takes a lot of courage to admit the things she has admitted to you. She either values your friendship enough to be honest...or doesn't care enough about you to care if she effects your feelings, I don't know her personally so I couldn't advise you either way.

Heres the thing though. If these are her issues, you cannot let them effect you or the positive things you are doing with your life. You are on a long, sometimes hard journey and you don't need extra obstacles in your way. The really hard part about this is you have known her for ten years and if I was you I think I will feel betrayed that I invested so much time in a friendship that only existed because she likes the fact that you weren't as skinny as her.

You are more than your weight. You are a combination of many variables as we all are. If she doesn't care for you for who you are but only because you make her feel pretty then I think it might be to finish cutting those chords of friendship that were frayed by her own selfish reasons for seeking your company.

You are beautiful. Weight is not a reason to choose your friends.

Some people are really scared, and can't really express that, so they do it in a different way and it doesn't come out right. My husband said something horrible to me 1 week after my surgery that devastated me. I cried and moped around for two weeks. When he finally forced me to talk about why I was sad, he was shocked to know the way that I took what he said. He was VERY sorry and said he was scared and it just came out wrong. We're fine with it now. KEEP TALKING. She may not know what exactly she's afraid of, and not how to express the confusion. Give her some time. Not forever, but some. If she can't get past it, move on. You have a lot more postive things to focus on.

I'm going through a similar experience with my best friend/sister-in-law. We've known each other since we were teenagers. Our lives have parallelled each others for over 30 years. When we were young, we were both teased unmercifully about how skinny we were... we both married, had kids, got divorced, got fat, and supported each other through it all. Now that I've made the choice to lose the weight and get healthy again, it's caused a great deal of stress on our friendship. She told me shortly after I had the surgery that she felt like she'd lost her best friend. She can't afford the surgery and won't accept my offer to help out with it. I'm walking a tight rope to keep from doing or saying things that will make her feel even worse. It's so hard for ME to not be able to brag about losing a few pounds when I know she's struggling to just maintain the weight she's at now. When I come in wearing something new because my old stuff wouldn't fit, it makes me feel guilty. I hope we never lose our closeness, but it certainly is being put to the test.

I think Jack is right, also. As our life canges, our friends always seem to change as well. If we're able to keep even a few good friends through all of these changes, we should feel very fortunate.

I'm so sorry your friend said those things to you, but it could be that she just didn't know how to express what she was *really* feeling- scared, threatened, insecure? I hope for your sake that she wasn't just being cruel. No one needs friends who would intentionally do that!