Donali inspired me to start this new thread. She has been providing information to us regarding Morbid Obesity being a disease, which is a very powerful topic for all of us.

Lately I've been discovering that there are many different categories that we fit in, so I was wondering what category you are in. I don't have labels for the categories, but let me start by telling you why I am obese.

First, my family history includes severe mental illness (Mom, aunt, etc.) I inherited a branch of mental illness - Generalized Anxiety Disorder, which had me extremely ill in my youth. My panic attacks have been under control for years, but I still have many anxiety-related problems, one being that I never stop thinking, and at night, the thoughts are consumed by food. Part of the reason I'm obese is becaseu I can't fight the mental struggle to eat for long periods of time. That part of my brain is stronger than the sensible part.

But my biggest problem is portion control. I'm obsessed by enormous quantities of food. I simply don't understand how anyone could order just one taco, or have a small serving of anything. With me, it's all or nothing. I would rather fast all day than to eat one chicken thigh. It's torture. A half gallon of ice cream is two servings. A family dinner is two servings.

And mine is all a night time disorder. Someone baked us fresh Cookies, all warm and steamy, and I didn't even look at them. I don't give a damn about food during the day. I feel like a monster.

So much of this sounds familiar to me. I can't remember a time when I was "thin". Save for my very early teen years (1st yr high school). By graduation I weighted 135 lbs. I am 5' 3" tall! I now weight 210. In Navy boot camp I lost weight and gained muscle. But all I did all day was calisthenic and walk/march every place. I love how my body looked. Well along came pregnancy and I gained weight again. Now I had my mother nagging at me. As the years went by my wright went up. Then came the Redux and Merridia pills. I was in the local trials for the Merridia. I lost 60 lbs!!! I did not feel hungry. I felt for the first time how it feels to feel "full" after eating a meal. It gave me so much control and self confidence. Then in 1999 along came my anxiety/depression and the medications to treat it did not agree with the Merridia so I had to come off. I gain the 60 lbs back and 20 more. Bringing me to my present weight. :cool: I can relate to a lot of what I read here. I too am fine all day but as the night creeps in I eat more. I get edgy and restless if I don't. Something I don't understand about myself. I also have a sugar addiction which I know is no good for me. I have tried to eat healthy food and fill up on veggies and fruits but I keep going until I have the candy and pastry. So my depression kicks in since I am now ticked with my self and my behavior. How dose one charge this behavior?

I can remember visiting my grandparents growing up as a child. My grandmother always used to say she could cook anything and I would eat it. So, I started to look at eating as a way to get approval from my grandparents. Then, when I was 14, my grandparents took my little bro and I on a 2 month trip to Alaska. The whole time my grandmother hounded me about my weight. I started to get self conscious about it then.

In hs, I had surgery on both knees due to sports, including for an injury that should have finished my sr year of football after 2 games but didn't. After getting too scared to play college ball, I stopped sports pretty much cold turkey. At least to the extent I played them in hs. But never changed my eating habits.

Got married at 22 and never wanted to waste food as money was tight and couldn't see wasting it. Plus, if DW was unable to finish her food, she would ask me to finish. I know I shouldn't have, but always did. My fault.

Just never been real good with food. Always ate no matter what. I've had to make huge changes in how I treat food. DW still tries to get me to finish hers or our daughters food, but I don't now.

I'm reading a book that says many of us who may have been abused in some way when we were children, use the rage we've felt over it, against ourselves by being self-destructive instead of directing the anger at someone or something else. My dietician keeps telling me that I am way too hard on myself. I'm beginning to think there must be something to these things I'm learning.

ceradad my heart goes out to you. People know you love food so they give you food because they want you to love them. I do that sometimes with my DH - even sometimes leaving something really good on my plate so that I can offer it to him in an effort to prove I love him.

It's a backasswards way of showing someone you love them, but once we recognize what's happening, we need to catch ourselves and stop the insanity.

i my self can relate to everyone here. i was sexually abused as a child so i turned to food and then i was raped as a teen. so then again i turned to drugs which in turn gave me the munchies there for i turned to food. and i loved food so much and ate and ate and i turned to where i never got full there for constantly eating. now that im older i have 4 children i got clean i want to live hence where the band comes in. i have been clean of drugs for 10 years. now i want to be sober of food does that make sense?

I am fat, because, everyone in my life comes first. Im fat because my mom died, and i never got over it. Im fat because my husband, treated me like a dog. Im fat, because i have a job that is too stressful, too much responsibility, and is the night shift (23 years) Im fat, because food soothes my sadness, my anger, my lonliness. Im fat because for so long, i did not give a crap about myself.

I am healing, im excited about my grandchildren, my kids are all grown and doing well in their lives, i am single and can take care of myself for a change.

I now have my band, i am loosing weight, and keeping it off. I am happy and doing things that i havent been able to do in years. I like me....I like me a lot...i am on my way, it has been a hard long road, but my new journey is proving to be the best thing i have done for myself in my life. IM still fat, but i am getting thinner every day! I am doing it all by myself. it is a wonderful feeling!

best to all of you, who know exactly what I mean!

reif78: heck yeah that makes sense. I can't tell you how many times I wished I preferred alcohol or coke instead of food. At least with those things your dysfunction isn't so readily apparent. I'm actually not kidding which tells you a lot about why I'm fat.

JSOTO: congratulations! You sound great and like you really have your head on right! It helps people like me read things like that from people like you!

first let me say, im fat because i ate too much and exercised to little. that being said, i believe the reason i ate too much started when i was around 14, i started to go through that stage where i was going from skinny pre-teen to junk-food-eating-with-friends teenager. this did not go unnoticed by my father, who was married to my constantly struggling with her weight mother. so to "help" me, he started watching everything i ate, and commenting on it. my entire home life became filled with shame-inducing comments like "you really dont need that", "what are u eating NOW?" and "why dont u run downstairs for your mother, u could use the exercise". most of the time, a pointed look was more than sufficient to induce shame. my younger brother enjoyed the ammunition supplied by my self-loathing and shame, and used it every chance he got. "go join weight watchers" "fatso" "call jenny craig", etc. it was fun times.

but i was smart, when i was left alone in the house i would binge from the second they were gone until the car pulled up. and i hid food and the evidence. i would eat things that didnt even taste good, just as long as there was LOTS of it, and i thought it wouldnt be missed.

add to that the years of hiding in my bedroom escaping into books rather than being active, and the YEARS and YEARS of diets after diets, from fads to Optifast to weight watchers to slim fast ,.,,,,every single one ....and gaining it all back plus......

AND that i found that food, and binging in particular (in private of course) provides a pleasant numbing feeling. its a powerful drug.

i still struggle with the secret eating. im still uncomfortable eating in front of others. the thought of a dinner date scares the hell out of me. im trying to get back on track with the band, and working out, and trying to stop this cycle of eating and shame and numbing and self-loathing. when are they coming out with the band for the BRAIN? lol

its no WONDER im fat!

Tracey it has to do with control. When you have people pushing at you, it is easy to quietly rebel and do something that makes you feel that you have control. I've been known to do it too.

Sometimes I believe that suicidal people choose to commit suicide to prove to themselves that they can control their destiny. No, I don't think there's anything healthy about it, but having the feeling that you are controlled by others is very frustrating.

This is a most interesting discussion. I am waiting for surgery approval by my insurance. In the meantime, I am trying to get mentally prepared. Physically, weighing in a 253 and BMI of 47, I am prepared. I am keeping a food journal because I know I am in denial of how much I eat. I could eat the quart of ice cream in one sitting or a bag of chocolate covered peanuts on a two hour road trip. I can't remember weighing less than 160 pounds. I have been working out with a trainer for 18 months now and no matter how hard I try, I have lost 10 pounds. I am hoping the band becomes my tool for self control.

Tracey it has to do with control. When you have people pushing at you, it is easy to quietly rebel and do something that makes you feel that you have control. I've been known to do it too.

Sometimes I believe that suicidal people choose to commit suicide to prove to themselves that they can control their destiny. No, I don't think there's anything healthy about it, but having the feeling that you are controlled by others is very frustrating.

I disagree with your statement with regards to suicide.

I went through a very dark period in my life after my mom died prematurely from cancer (she had just turned 40), and my dear grampa died three weeks before her.

The only motivation / feeling I had when suicidal was sheer desperation to get away from the pain, the exhaustion, the anguish that was a constant in my life. Being a guinea pig for many different mind-altering medications left me in a horrendous state, more so than what I would have been like had I NEVER taken any antidepressants to begin with.

It had nothing to do with being controlled by those that knew me, or proving that I was in control with my life. How could I be in control when there is was no escape? Choosing to die had nothing to do with control...it had everything to do with relief. It was like being tortured....trying to get away from the pain....

I'm fat because I love food! I mean I really loooOOOoooove food and love to eat even more. The feeling of being full is like a high to me.

Just for the record, I think that took a lot of nerve to say that. Thanks.

chell~ That's why I love the internet. I can be honest and say things I wouldn't dare say to someone face to face.

bert: I hear you. I have been in that much pain because of the losses of my mother and sister, very close together. My sister and I were like twins in many ways and I felt as if a part of me was cut out when she died. I still feel a huge hole in my life from not having them with me.

Didn't you feel a little helpless that you weren't able to control the desperation, anguish and exhaustion that you were going through? Didn't you feel that you weren't able to feel any better? Didn't you feel that your exhaustion was due to reasons that you weren't able to control? Didn't you want desperately to be able to either numb your pain or get rid of the pain somehow? Wouldn't suicide be one way to do that?

Am I just being obtuse or are we just looking at the same anguish from a little different perspective?

I am sorry you weren't able to get any help from antidepressants and that you felt that you were a guinea pig for those meds. I didn't take them when I was the most desperate. I didn't have the presence of mind to even go to a doctor.

However years later I am taking Wellbutrin and finding that I feel that I am in control of what I'm doing and where I'm headed. For instance over the Christmas holidays this year, I was able to go visit their graves and decorate them for the first time since they died - which was quite a few years ago. It did make me feel better although I'm not completely sure why. I'm guessing that it was because I made the decision for myself - I didn't feel like I was just having to endure the torment. I was in control and choosing to deal with their deaths on my terms.

Everyone is different. We all handle how we deal with life in different ways. Whatever works for each of us is what is right and good.

Tracey it has to do with control. When you have people pushing at you, it is easy to quietly rebel and do something that makes you feel that you have control. I've been known to do it too.

Sometimes I believe that suicidal people choose to commit suicide to prove to themselves that they can control their destiny. No, I don't think there's anything healthy about it, but having the feeling that you are controlled by others is very frustrating.

I know what you mean regarding control. I think that was a significant factor in my weight gain. When I got married at age 23, I was slim and fit - @125lb, 38-23-34. I made the mistake of marrying a man I didn't know as well as I thought I did and he turned out to be an incredible control freak as well as a violent drunk (he's now an EX ). Our lifestyle changed drastically after the wedding (no more going out dancing all night, full meals every night, etc) and I started to gain a little weight.

He used to berate and belittle me every time I ate, so of course I rebelled by eating more and even sneaking food when he wasn't watching. Within a few years, I had gained about 20-30lb and his favourite refrain when slapping me about was "You FAT UGLY PIG!!" (This was at about 140lb!)

With my self-esteem crushed, I turned to food for comfort (yeah I know, lots of other issues there, but that was significant). By the time I got out of the marriage 8 years later, I was about 160lb - overweight but not huge.

I can clearly remember the first four years of being single again, when I did things like hang out in the refrigerator at night saying things like "Haha! Watch me eat this!! You can't stop me now!!" I deliberately put on the fat suit, partly because of that "defiance" aspect and partly because I wanted to keep men away - both were desperate attempts at taking a measure of control in my life. By the end of 4 years of single life, I had put on another 60lb and was around 220lb.

At that stage, I sought therapy for my issues with self-esteem, the marriage and how I had managed to get myself into that situation. The therapy helped a lot and I really came to terms with who I was and how I had arrived there, but unfortunately the fat suit wasn't as easy to take off as it was to put on. Since then, I went through various stages of dieting and failure, and thinking I had accepted the weight and settled for being a "fat person" forever. I slowly yo-yoed my way up another 55lb until I hit my all time high of 275lb last year (15 years post-marriage).

Now that I have made the change and been banded, I realise that I had never really accepted it and I am now finding comfort in having the control to be able to take the weight off. I'm looking forward to finding the "real me" under this fat suit.