Hello all,

I had my first negative comment yesterday from a member of my partner's family.

I was talking about my surgery (as someone else in their family had also had WLS), and this individual spoke up and said to me: "ah, you don't have the will power to do it yourself then?".

I was just a bit taken aback if I am honest. I had to correct her (not that I have to justify myself to anyone), in saying that I had exhausted all my options, and other conditions I have mean that WLS is the only way for me.

I know we shouldn't take things that others say to heart, but I can just predict that this is going to be the mindset of most people who do not understand what it is like to be obese, and to struggle every day.

How have some of you dealt with comments such as these?

this is the main reason I didn't tell very many people about my surgery until I was several months post-op - and even then, it was usually just to other obese people who wondered how I lost so much weight (because all of us who've been there know that "diet and exercise" just isn't a permanent solution for most of us). Sorry you have to deal with her insensitive comment. People can be so rude!!

43 minutes ago, catwoman7 said:

this is the main reason I didn't tell very many people about my surgery until I was several months post-op - and even then, it was usually just to other obese people who wondered how I lost so much weight (because all of us who've been there know that "diet and exercise" just isn't a permanent solution for most of us). Sorry you have to deal with her insensitive comment. People can be so rude!!

This is very much what I am wanting to do, but I wrongfully assumed I was in a safe space! But hey ho, not everyone will be understanding! It was just so abrupt!

It is very true that people who have not been considered 'obese' will not understand the why and the how. My brother who has always been a healthy size gave me a long lecture about how people need to just stop being lazy, and just do it rather than making excuses. If only it were that simple!

I'd ask her is she's recently had a stroke or if she's just always been a rude cow (or another c word, if you'd rather). You do not have to justify yourself, explain your reasons, or educate anyone. What you choose to do for your own health is between you and your doctor. If she continues to make unwelcome comments about your personal business, feel free to tell her what you think of her poor taste in clothing, garish eye makeup, or whatever else you'd like to "helpfully" point out as being wrong with her, until she realizes it's no longer open season on fat people.

"We all have issues, some of which where will power alone can work. Then there are other, more complex issues where will power alone is simply inadequate. My long term obesity is one of these, so I've gotten help where my will power is rewarded with success. Another example would be people not being able to think before they speak. Too bad there is no surgery to help such people, poor dears."

Good luck,

Tek

1 hour ago, NickelChip said:

I'd ask her is she's recently had a stroke or if she's just always been a rude cow (or another c word, if you'd rather). You do not have to justify yourself, explain your reasons, or educate anyone. What you choose to do for your own health is between you and your doctor. If she continues to make unwelcome comments about your personal business, feel free to tell her what you think of her poor taste in clothing, garish eye makeup, or whatever else you'd like to "helpfully" point out as being wrong with her, until she realizes it's no longer open season on fat people.

Haha! I love this comment. Honestly, if she weren't my boyfriend's family, I would have used all manners of vulgar language as a response!

I don't know why people just see fat people as easy targets, as if it is their right to inform them that 1) they are indeed fat, 2) they are lazy, but also 3) they should lose weight, but only in a socially acceptable way.

Makes my blood boil!

1 hour ago, The Greater Fool said:

"We all have issues, some of which where will power alone can work. Then there are other, more complex issues where will power alone is simply inadequate. My long term obesity is one of these, so I've gotten help where my will power is rewarded with success. Another example would be people not being able to think before they speak. Too bad there is no surgery to help such people, poor dears."

Good luck,

Tek

This is on point! I shall be storing this as a response for the future, as I do not doubt more comments that I haven't asked for will come!

Thank you

3 hours ago, FreeingMe said:

Haha! I love this comment. Honestly, if she weren't my boyfriend's family, I would have used all manners of vulgar language as a response!

I don't know why people just see fat people as easy targets, as if it is their right to inform them that 1) they are indeed fat, 2) they are lazy, but also 3) they should lose weight, but only in a socially acceptable way.

Makes my blood boil!

The reason, I think, that average weight people feel they can say what they want to obese people is that being thinner gives them a false sense of superiority. If they believe we are fat because we are lazy and gluttonous, then it stands to reason they are virtuous because they are thin. Because they lost a whole 3lbs of extra weight that one time by skipping dessert for a few days, you should not eat a slice of birthday cake at the party today, even though they are telling you this while eating a slice of birthday cake. It's okay for them to eat it because they know a single slice of cake won't have much impact on their weight. But it's not okay for you, because it makes you fat, and you have no willpower if you want to eat some on a special occasion. Unlike them, because they totally have willpower, because they are thin. They're still eating the cake, but they wouldn't if they were like you, they're very certain of that, and that makes them feel very good about themselves. And yet they don't think through to the logical conclusion that if the cake is okay for them but not for you, maybe that means their body is different from yours, and that actually, it's a lot harder for you, that losing 3 lbs is not the same as losing 30 or 100, and you might require a different approach (and they should keep their mouth shut).

Also, given that she's your boyfriend's family, definitely follow Tek's advice on what to say instead of mine. But you can still think it loudly at her.

It's hard when it comes from family members, but I think its inevitable because every family and circle of friends has "that a**h***". If they're the kind of person the judge someone for the weight loss, they were already judging before the weight loss. Take pride in knowing that you live rent free in their head tormenting them

As for you, just keep up the good work! People who haven't experienced it don't realize the work that is still required, nor the pain/discomfort that is experienced in the weight loss surgery process. Especially for people who's metabolism is just naturally geared toward not eating much or staying small. To them, they falsely believe that since it is so hard for them to gain weight by forcing themselves to eat more, then you must have voluntarily forced yourself to be overweight. They don't realize how foolish that concept sounds because they've never walked in your shoes. If they don't choose to make the effort to understand, they never will.

It is hard brushing it off from people that are close, but as I mentioned earlier about living rent free in others' minds, don't let them dwell in your head. Evict them and go on about your day!

Exactly why I didn't tell many people beforehand. I think 5 people knew I was having it done, not including my parents. They all found out after, and I still haven't told people (family/friends) that I have had it done, if anyone asks about my weight loss then I will say something.

2 hours ago, NickelChip said:

The reason, I think, that average weight people feel they can say what they want to obese people is that being thinner gives them a false sense of superiority. If they believe we are fat because we are lazy and gluttonous, then it stands to reason they are virtuous because they are thin. Because they lost a whole 3lbs of extra weight that one time by skipping dessert for a few days, you should not eat a slice of birthday cake at the party today, even though they are telling you this while eating a slice of birthday cake. It's okay for them to eat it because they know a single slice of cake won't have much impact on their weight. But it's not okay for you, because it makes you fat, and you have no willpower if you want to eat some on a special occasion. Unlike them, because they totally have willpower, because they are thin. They're still eating the cake, but they wouldn't if they were like you, they're very certain of that, and that makes them feel very good about themselves. And yet they don't think through to the logical conclusion that if the cake is okay for them but not for you, maybe that means their body is different from yours, and that actually, it's a lot harder for you, that losing 3 lbs is not the same as losing 30 or 100, and you might require a different approach (and they should keep their mouth shut).

Also, given that she's your boyfriend's family, definitely follow Tek's advice on what to say instead of mine. But you can still think it loudly at her.

I genuinely could not have put it any better than this. I so struggle to articulate what I'm thinking, and I get jumbled up with what I'm saying, but I think I'll just screenshot what you've said and just fire that at people who judge ?

I needed to hear this today!

Thank you!

I will definitely be thinking loudly haha

1 hour ago, SomeBigGuy said:

It's hard when it comes from family members, but I think its inevitable because every family and circle of friends has "that a**h***". If they're the kind of person the judge someone for the weight loss, they were already judging before the weight loss. Take pride in knowing that you live rent free in their head tormenting them

As for you, just keep up the good work! People who haven't experienced it don't realize the work that is still required, nor the pain/discomfort that is experienced in the weight loss surgery process. Especially for people who's metabolism is just naturally geared toward not eating much or staying small. To them, they falsely believe that since it is so hard for them to gain weight by forcing themselves to eat more, then you must have voluntarily forced yourself to be overweight. They don't realize how foolish that concept sounds because they've never walked in your shoes. If they don't choose to make the effort to understand, they never will.

It is hard brushing it off from people that are close, but as I mentioned earlier about living rent free in others' minds, don't let them dwell in your head. Evict them and go on about your day!

Oh I'm sure I live rent free in lots of people's heads just because I'm a bigger girl ?

The 'logic' of some of these people never fails to astound me. I think at the end of the day, people are always going to have something to say, but their opinions have 0 impact on my life!

I just know for sure that when I'm losing weight, there will be something else they have to say!

Thank you for your words of wisdom!

1 hour ago, BigZ said:

Exactly why I didn't tell many people beforehand. I think 5 people knew I was having it done, not including my parents. They all found out after, and I still haven't told people (family/friends) that I have had it done, if anyone asks about my weight loss then I will say something.

I am keeping it to family and my one close friend at that's it really! Work people are on a need to know basis. I know there will be questions when I'm smaller, but hey no, ain't none of their business!

Unfortunately, there is still a lot of stigma on WLS. This is why I haven't told anyone except medical professionals about my surgery. Not even my parents or siblings, and definitely not coworkers or friends.

So, my strategy for dealing with negative comments is to avoid the subject entirely. You know what's best for yourself and what they think is irrelevant. If, however, you want to respond to them, maybe you can educate them on what WLS really entails. People who are ignorant look at it as the "easy way out" or cheating in some way because they have no idea how intense the whole process is. The comment about not having the willpower to do it yourself is ridiculous to anyone who has been through it, because taking the initiative and putting forth the effort to go through with it takes a heck of a lot of strength and courage. And even with the help of the surgery as a tool, it still takes a lot of willpower to stick with your program, lose the weight, and keep it off.

4 minutes ago, BigSue said:

Unfortunately, there is still a lot of stigma on WLS. This is why I haven't told anyone except medical professionals about my surgery. Not even my parents or siblings, and definitely not coworkers or friends.

So, my strategy for dealing with negative comments is to avoid the subject entirely. You know what's best for yourself and what they think is irrelevant. If, however, you want to respond to them, maybe you can educate them on what WLS really entails. People who are ignorant look at it as the "easy way out" or cheating in some way because they have no idea how intense the whole process is. The comment about not having the willpower to do it yourself is ridiculous to anyone who has been through it, because taking the initiative and putting forth the effort to go through with it takes a heck of a lot of strength and courage. And even with the help of the surgery as a tool, it still takes a lot of willpower to stick with your program, lose the weight, and keep it off.

Thank you for your comment.

It's definitely the phrase "not having the willpower" that cuts the deepest if I'm honest. It's as if all the struggles I've had during my life with my weight weren't enough! Surgery isn't the easy way out, I know that and I've not even had mine yet. Its absolutely life-altering, and as you say, takes willpower in itself to stick to it afterwards!

I will keep the surgery to myself for the most part, it was just such an unexpected comment!

19 hours ago, FreeingMe said:

"ah, you don't have the will power to do it yourself then?".

i told exactly 5 (trusted) ppl for this very reason. still got a couple comments tho...but i digress.

i'd like to think that if someone said this to me, i'd just look em in the eye and agree with them. basically shuts them down cuz they don't need to defend their position. done.

*mic drop* lol

Edited January 9, 20242 yr by ms.sss