Hello all,

I had my first negative comment yesterday from a member of my partner's family.

I was talking about my surgery (as someone else in their family had also had WLS), and this individual spoke up and said to me: "ah, you don't have the will power to do it yourself then?".

I was just a bit taken aback if I am honest. I had to correct her (not that I have to justify myself to anyone), in saying that I had exhausted all my options, and other conditions I have mean that WLS is the only way for me.

I know we shouldn't take things that others say to heart, but I can just predict that this is going to be the mindset of most people who do not understand what it is like to be obese, and to struggle every day.

How have some of you dealt with comments such as these?

4 hours ago, ms.sss said:

i told exactly 5 (trusted) ppl for this very reason. still got a couple comments tho...but i digress.

i'd like to think that if someone said this to me, i'd just look em in the eye and agree with them. basically shuts them down cuz they don't need to defend their position. done.

*mic drop* lol

Exactly that haha!

I joked initially and was like, "yeah that is totally the reason".

People are such fun aren't they!

16 hours ago, ms.sss said:

i'd like to think that if someone said this to me, i'd just look em in the eye and agree with them. basically shuts them down cuz they don't need to defend their position. done.

*mic drop* lol

I think that's a good response! Since I haven't told anyone, I haven't been in the position of having to defend my decision, but I'd like to think I might say, "Yeah, I don't have the willpower to do it myself, and I'm smart enough to realize that I needed surgical intervention."

I can count the number of people I've told on one hand. I'm self employed and a lot of my work where I actually see any colleagues is seasonal, revolving around the professional league of a widely popular summer sport in North American so I won't see any of them until mid-April, by which time I expect I'll have lost 80-100lbs since they saw me last in late summer (I had my surgery mid-September).

When, not if, they comment, I'm just going to tell them I lived at the gym all winter, and that will be the end of the conversation. Not because I won't talk about it more, but we're all guys and my explanation will be enough and the conversation will simply move on after a couple of, "Wow, good for you's".

16 hours ago, ShooterInTheSix said:

I can count the number of people I've told on one hand. I'm self employed and a lot of my work where I actually see any colleagues is seasonal, revolving around the professional league of a widely popular summer sport in North American so I won't see any of them until mid-April, by which time I expect I'll have lost 80-100lbs since they saw me last in late summer (I had my surgery mid-September).

When, not if, they comment, I'm just going to tell them I lived at the gym all winter, and that will be the end of the conversation. Not because I won't talk about it more, but we're all guys and my explanation will be enough and the conversation will simply move on after a couple of, "Wow, good for you's".

It seems like only telling a select amount of people is the way to go - something that I will be following from now on. How are you feeling about the prospect of losing so much? I feel so out of body with it all! I know my surgery isn't until May (hopefully), but I feel so impatient and as if this body isn't mine!

That makes a lot of sense

I know its kind of nuanced, but I've noticed that it's been easier telling people about it after the surgery than it was before. I guess people felt like they needed to talk me out of it before it happened, whereas afterwards, they've been more accepting or just dismissive with minimal argument.

I've had a few people sound like what everyone's mentioned above, like "oh, so you couldn't do it on your own? You're fat and weak and always will be". I agreed with them, like what @ms.sss said, and they may have one more quip, but the good news is I haven't talked to them since! It made me realize they were always talking trash about me and everyone else they know so they can stay on their high horse in their mind, and the surgery really didn't change anything about them. Walking away from them turned into a win for me afterall haha. Holiday gatherings will be awkward next year, but at least I'm not overwhelmed by my previously chronic issues with diabetes and asthma like I was a few months ago!

1 minute ago, SomeBigGuy said:

I know its kind of nuanced, but I've noticed that it's been easier telling people about it after the surgery than it was before. I guess people felt like they needed to talk me out of it before it happened, whereas afterwards, they've been more accepting or just dismissive with minimal argument.

I've had a few people sound like what everyone's mentioned above, like "oh, so you couldn't do it on your own? You're fat and weak and always will be". I agreed with them, like what @ms.sss said, and they may have one more quip, but the good news is I haven't talked to them since! It made me realize they were always talking trash about me and everyone else they know so they can stay on their high horse in their mind, and the surgery really didn't change anything about them. Walking away from them turned into a win for me afterall haha. Holiday gatherings will be awkward next year, but at least I'm not overwhelmed by my previously chronic issues with diabetes and asthma like I was a few months ago!

That makes a lot of sense People have already tried to talk me out of it, as if there are other options that I haven't tried! I always like to remind them that I have been big for my entire adult life now, and if I continue, the chances of my obesity killing me are far greater than this surgical procedure. OR they say things like: "but won't you miss the food?" to which I state: 1) I'll be able to eat still, 2) food is what got me here in the first place, so no, I won't miss it haha.

Unfortunately us bigger people become punching bags for others who are fatphobic, even without realising it. We are often what they fear! I cannot wait for the day that I feel comfortable in my own skin, even if that skin is loose! I also can't wait for my asthma to be better haha!

Honestly this is the main reason I haven’t told my ex. Him and I interact daily and I just never said anything to him. He will bring up everything negative and it isn’t his business what I do since we aren’t together anymore. But he isn’t even supportive of me even losing weight.

I told him I was doing the slimfast diet thing and he has been trying to sabotage me ever since.

You don’t have to justify a damn thing.

7 hours ago, MLC3409 said:

Honestly this is the main reason I haven’t told my ex. Him and I interact daily and I just never said anything to him. He will bring up everything negative and it isn’t his business what I do since we aren’t together anymore. But he isn’t even supportive of me even losing weight.

I told him I was doing the slimfast diet thing and he has been trying to sabotage me ever since.

You don’t have to justify a damn thing.

I am sorry to hear that he is acting like that - it is unacceptable and it sounds as if you definitely need to distance yourself from him as much as you can. You are making the right decision for yourself, and you should be proud of yourself for that.

11 hours ago, MLC3409 said:

Honestly this is the main reason I haven’t told my ex. Him and I interact daily and I just never said anything to him. He will bring up everything negative and it isn’t his business what I do since we aren’t together anymore. But he isn’t even supportive of me even losing weight.

I told him I was doing the slimfast diet thing and he has been trying to sabotage me ever since.

You don’t have to justify a damn thing.

I wouldn't be surprised if you losing weight is absolutely terrifying to your ex. As long as you are obese, he can assure himself that you'll never find anyone better than he was, which seems to be important to a lot of people regardless of whether they ended the relationship or you did. It's a pride thing. But when you start losing weight, now you're probably happier with more energy, you might look more attractive, maybe dressing in nicer clothes, too... uh oh! Now he sees you were totally settling for his sorry butt and are likely to find someone way better, and then his ego will be bruised as all your friends and family tell you how lucky you are.

My ex, (who is legally not my ex yet, which is very annoying) is the sabotaging type, too. I see him 5 days a week when he picks up the kids for school or drops off from activities. I've had to tell him about the surgery as I'll need his help with the kids, and I am still on a family plan insurance so he'll need to know about deductibles and such, but I fully expect him to start panicking as the weight loss becomes noticeable. I can hardly wait to find out how he'll try to sabotage me.

Remove myself from the conversation and that space that they were in. Negative thoughts and energy has a way of attaching itself to a person.

2 minutes ago, Nema51 said:

Remove myself from the conversation and that space that they were in. Negative thoughts and energy has a way of attaching itself to a person.

I agree!

Don't you have the willpower? Ha! Willpower involves something you have control over. Willpower has never and will never cure a disease and obesity is a disease. Rudeness however, is not...

Having dealt with being overweight most of my life (Thank you genetics, puberty, and PCOS!) it bothered me in the past when I was called names, overheard cruel remarks, or was told to "just push yourself away from the table!" But with the wisdom of age, life experience, and resulting blessed disregard for what others think about me comes a certain freedom. I don't feel the need to explain anything to anyone or defend myself because there is nothing I could ever say that would change their misconceptions. They want to believe what they believe. So I no longer let it get to me and I've accepted who I am with all my beautiful flaws. When someone I met asked me when I was due, I said - "I'm not pregnant, I'm just fat!" They were embarrassed, but I laughed, because I was 56 at the time and that ship had way past sailed! And I chose to take it as a compliment that she thought I was young enough to be pregnant! LOL

As for WLS, I've embraced it. I've made a decision that will extend my life and grant me many more years with my husband (poor man!) So I told my sisters, some friends, my hairdresser (gonna need him when the hair starts falling out!), my boss, and a lot of coworkers. And while the reaction has been hugely positive and supportive, I have to be honest, if it wasn't I just wouldn't have given a ?

I admit that when I was younger things would have been different, because when we are young we worry too much about what others think about us. But now I only live for today. As for rude and obnoxious people, I just look at them and think...

I will digress here with a little story - I once had a sister-in-law who was a truly evil person disguised as a saint; she was capable of the most heinous acts. She is only person upon whom I've ever wanted to seek revenge. So I would think about dastardly things and one day came up with the idea of going to bookstore with a large magazine section and taking a subscription card from EVERY magazine and filling them out in her name... every type of magazine imaginable. Then i thought about how long it would take someone to cancel all those magazines... and the type of mailing lists you would get on even after you had cancelled them, and I smiled a chesire cat little smile... and then let it go. In my head I had enacted my revenge! I shared it with my husband and to this day when someone really pisses me off I tell him about it and say, "They're getting magazines!!!" and we laugh.

So those rude, obnoxious, and nasty people who can't mind their own business and have to comment on things they know nothing about? I look at them and think "You're getting magazines!"

Edited January 13, 20242 yr by CelticSoul

On 1/13/2024 at 12:43 AM, CelticSoul said:

Don't you have the willpower? Ha! Willpower involves something you have control over. Willpower has never and will never cure a disease and obesity is a disease. Rudeness however, is not...

Having dealt with being overweight most of my life (Thank you genetics, puberty, and PCOS!) it bothered me in the past when I was called names, overheard cruel remarks, or was told to "just push yourself away from the table!" But with the wisdom of age, life experience, and resulting blessed disregard for what others think about me comes a certain freedom. I don't feel the need to explain anything to anyone or defend myself because there is nothing I could ever say that would change their misconceptions. They want to believe what they believe. So I no longer let it get to me and I've accepted who I am with all my beautiful flaws. When someone I met asked me when I was due, I said - "I'm not pregnant, I'm just fat!" They were embarrassed, but I laughed, because I was 56 at the time and that ship had way past sailed! And I chose to take it as a compliment that she thought I was young enough to be pregnant! LOL

As for WLS, I've embraced it. I've made a decision that will extend my life and grant me many more years with my husband (poor man!) So I told my sisters, some friends, my hairdresser (gonna need him when the hair starts falling out!), my boss, and a lot of coworkers. And while the reaction has been hugely positive and supportive, I have to be honest, if it wasn't I just wouldn't have given a ?

I admit that when I was younger things would have been different, because when we are young we worry too much about what others think about us. But now I only live for today. As for rude and obnoxious people, I just look at them and think...

I will digress here with a little story - I once had a sister-in-law who was a truly evil person disguised as a saint; she was capable of the most heinous acts. She is only person upon whom I've ever wanted to seek revenge. So I would think about dastardly things and one day came up with the idea of going to bookstore with a large magazine section and taking a subscription card from EVERY magazine and filling them out in her name... every type of magazine imaginable. Then i thought about how long it would take someone to cancel all those magazines... and the type of mailing lists you would get on even after you had cancelled them, and I smiled a chesire cat little smile... and then let it go. In my head I had enacted my revenge! I shared it with my husband and to this day when someone really pisses me off I tell him about it and say, "They're getting magazines!!!" and we laugh.

So those rude, obnoxious, and nasty people who can't mind their own business and have to comment on things they know nothing about? I look at them and think "You're getting magazines!"

Hey! Thank you for your comment! You are right in that it is a disease - I don't think many people actually understand and appreciate that. Like, if it were as easy as just having the willpower to lose 10 stone all by myself, I'd do it and I wouldn't need surgery! Rudeness seems far too commonplace!

I also have PCOS! I was diagnosed at 21 (I am 27 now), and I always wondered why I wasn't losing weight with ease, despite exercising constantly and eating healthily! It is so refreshing to hear how you have changed your mentality and how you love yourself regardless, as you should. It is insane to me that I can barely look at myself in the mirror, but when I see someone who is 'bigger'/has the same body type as me, I think they are beautiful! Body dysmorphia is a real thing I guess haha!

The hair loss is something that I am dreading! I am sure you know that with PCOS the hair loss is already a thing, so I am trying to take all the steps I can to avoid it as much as possible! I am also really happy to hear you have had such a positive response

Thank you for sharing your story, I'll be honest it definitely made me giggle a bit haha. I think I will have to use that phrase myself...

Why do people act like you get a BBL? lol it’s a weight loss surgery! There’s still so much work to be done! No ones walking out with an hourglass figure

27 minutes ago, kgonz said:

Why do people act like you get a BBL? lol it’s a weight loss surgery! There’s still so much work to be done! No ones walking out with an hourglass figure

agreed.

but in the defense of the BBL-ers, ain't nothing wrong nor judgeable with those either!

love and speedy recovery to everyone who chooses to have surgery, no matter what kind of surgery that is ❤️.