Becoming exhausting

[eyhornmom 36]

I have lurked here since my surgery, but I've made very few posts. I'm struggling, and when I read others' posts I feel guilty that I'm struggling. I read all these posts about how happy people are after their surgery and how they are doing so great and love life so much. I'm mostly glad I had the surgery. I've been at a healthier weight for about 2 years now although I've never gotten to my goal weight. When others see me or talk to me, including my surgeon, they tell me how great I look and how good I've done. What the surgery has done for me mentally has been so opposite of what everyone sees on the outside. I realized after surgery that my weight was really a symptom of much deeper problems. I guess I had this idea that if I lost the weight everything else in life would be perfect and fall into place. My experience has been much different than that. I have discovered that I have major depression and serious anxiety. I was able to cover it up for years by eating. If I was depressed, I ate. Then I would be depressed about my failure to lose weight and control my eating, instead of dealing with other issues. If I was anxious, I ate. The more anxious I was, the more I ate. When I had marital problems, I ate. Then I blamed myself for the problems, whether they were truly my fault or not (i.e. infidelity).

After surgery, I had no more coping mechanism. The first year after surgery was the hardest. I got to a really great place with myself, and I was losing weight and beating the battle with eating. In the midst of my healing, my relationship with my husband changed. He didn't know where he fit in with my new found confidence and independence. He became increasingly angry and this drove a wedge between us. This summer something happened that rocked our marriage. We have been working on fixing things and healing, but I find myself personally back in the same place I was before surgery. I'm using food to cope, and as a result, I've gained 19 pounds from my lowest weight. I'm still a far cry from where I was before surgery, but I'm terrified of getting back to that place.

Since surgery, I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and dependent personality disorder. This gives me knowledge of what I need to work on, but it's still a daily battle. Every day I get up and plan to do better with my eating. I plan to workout at least 3 times a week. I plan to go back to the basics that I used right after surgery. But every day, I end the day disappointed with myself for failing. The battle is mentally, and physically, exhausting.

I guess I need to hear that others have had similar problems (not that I want anyone else to suffer), but sometimes I feel like I'm the only one experiencing these feelings. I'm really struggling. It gets a little harder every day to keep fighting the battle, but I'm not going to give up.