Going to ask mom to move out

[Sharon1964 2,530]

I've had insomnia for about two months now. No matter what time I go to bed, I wake up at around 1 am and again around 4 am. Sometimes I can get back to sleep within a half hour, sometimes not.

I've done a lot of soul-searching to try to figure out what has been stressing me. I have an appointment with a therapist on Monday to figure this out, but in the meantime, I think I've got it. It's my mother.

She moved in with me about three years ago. We lived together back when my 21-year-old was born, for about five years. Then she lived with my sister for several years, then alone for a couple of years, then with me.

The reason she moved in with me this time was that the place she was living in alone was being sold, and she needed to move. She couldn't find an affordable apartment nearby (my area doesn't have a lot of vacancies), so I let her move in with me.

The problem is I do not like the way she treats my 12-year-old daughter. Apparently when she lived with my sister, she treated sister's boys the same way. She never had a problem with my oldest (and yeah, we were all a lot younger then). As I have mellowed as I've gotten older, mom has gotten more intense. She takes everything personally. And as anyone with a pre-teen girl knows, it's an emotional rollercoaster anyway. Mom acts like the kid is doing things to deliberately provoke her, and I know that's not true. When I call mom on talking to the kid in a mean fashion, her go-to response is "she started it". Of course, then I tell her that as the adult, I expect her to model good behavior. No, the kid isn't innocent, and I deal with that - it's just so much harder when mom is doing the same thing.

I am not looking forward to this. She is going to be butt-hurt, and the stress is going to go through the roof. Sigh.

I want ice cream. Ice cream is not my friend, but it pretends to be. It doesn't give me any verbal grief, it's cool and creamy, and it tastes good.

Sigh. Instead of ice cream, I'll have to ask the man-types for some extra "attention" to relieve stress.

No real point here, just getting crap out of my head.

[Christinamo7 4,041]

I haven't been in that same situation, but I have had adult children to need to come back home for a time - and whenever I have a minor child(ren) still at home, I am sorry but you are an adult now - the minor's needs come first. my current 21 yr old had a hard time with the fact that when he moved out his sisters got their own room, and when he moved back in he got put in the den, I did not move them back in together. I told him to be grateful for what I was able to offer him, and I remind him he didn't move back in here to be a kid again. He either has to act like an adult and make sure I am glad he's living here, or he is more than welcome to make other arrangements and come home once a month for dinner so we can catch up.

it is a hard place you're in, but yes - even if the teen were to provoke her, she should be the adult. she should be on your team helping you as another adult in the home. it sounds like she does not want to do that. While it may be hard to find other arrangements, perhaps this is her (maybe subconscious) way of forcing the issue.

[LisaMergs 2,854]

Sharon- my own grandmother was HORRID to me! Seriously horrid! I was third youngest of 35 first cousins. I was blessed with having 2 parents who actually gave a crap about me. My dad had 7 siblings. Most alcoholics who were lousy parents. My cousins are all awesome. But I digress- if you didn't NEED my grandmother- whether financially, or to "save" you from a bad situation, she had no use for you. And I was that lone person. She was mean, spiteful I could go on and on.

She always lived either next door to us, or upstairs from us. One day she came into our house- I was 14- and started railing at me in her usual fashion. Well, that was it. I told her all of the things I felt about her, being mean, whatever, and she stood there and asked my father how he could let me speak to her that way. My father stepped aside and said "Mom, you've had that coming a LONG time".

Of course, after she left he chastised me for speaking like that to a grown up, but he stood up for me where it counted!!!

Just adding my story. Tell your mom that if she can't live nicely in Your home with Your rules, she is welcome to leave. And then walk away so she can't debate it!

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Sharon, do it!

Takes guts. But do it.

(By which I mean to tell you mom to find another place to live -- NOT to eat ice cream.)

And good for you on figuring out the source of stress in your life.

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,443]

I'll say no more about having your mother on the premises than it sounds unpleasant.

Something else comes to mind. Has she had a thorough exam in the past few years? If she behaved appropriately when she lived with you last time around, I wonder if she may have some medical or cognitive or other neurological issue percolating? In no way do I suggest that you give her a pass, but the overtones of sibling rivalry or her thinking she and your kid are peers may mean something needs exploration. Or perhaps your mother needs more of a life on the outside?

[Valentina 2,642]

She's your mother...

Many prayers going up.

[esskay77 785]

@@WLSResources/ClothingExch I was wondering the same thing. SHe is acting like your kids peer--which is interesting. Does she want to be taken care of? Why is she bouncing around from place to place? It doesn't sound like she wants to be alone--don't get me wrong--this is not your concern and you need to get her to move out for sure. I would also want her to be checked out--she may be depressed, she may have something else going on. SHe may just be scared and lonely but she needs to have a nudge or push to take care of herself on whatever is going on and to get her own place. Does she have an income?

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this--it's so hard when it's family but you have to take care of yourself and your kids.

Best of luck!!! Keep us posted.

[Sharon1964 2,530]

She sees a doctor, after ignoring her health for 20 years and going into heart failure. That was her wakeup call. That didn't change her attitude though. She has not had a mental health evaluation.

When she was living with my sister, she wanted to move out and my sister wanted her to move out, but neither would bring up the subject. So I did, they talked it out, and she moved out. At that time, she was treating my sister's boys the same way she is treating my daughter. I confronted her and told her I thought she needed to see someone and be evaluated for antidepressants. She said just let her get moved out and things will get better. I suppose they did for a while. Now not so much.

[Sharon1964 2,530]

So I saw the therapist yesterday. He wanted me to start with just trying to get her to talk about what was going on. Yeah, that went over like a lead balloon. I brought it up after dinner, after the kid had gone to her room. She got butthurt, told me how good I had it, and hasn't spoken to me since.

I'm going to try again tonight.

It's amazing I know how to communicate at all, given what my role model was.

[Sharon1964 2,530]

So the second night, she brought it up to me. She was focusing on the fact that I said "I'm never alone" which was not my main complaint. She got all butthurt again, and finally I said, "maybe it's time to think about living apart"... I hadn't planned on bringing that up, but I really didn't want to go through this every night until my next therapy appointment (next week).

She not only gave me the silent treatment that evening, but she spent the evening in her room, which she never does.

So yesterday, she put a deposit down on a studio apartment nearby. She went and talked to my sister (the one she used to live with), and sister got her calmed down.

She now seems excited about moving and things are not weird. Go figure. LOL.

[Margie122 845]

It sounds like that was a VERY difficult talk to have but you must feel good now that it's over?! It sounds like she won't be far away. I think your relationship and your kids relationship with her will be better once she has her own place. Congrats for sticking up for what you felt was right for you and your kids and having the hard talk.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Congratulations!

Funny how asking for what we need takes so long to do.

Very proud of you.

[LisaMergs 2,854]

Good for all!

[Sharon1964 2,530]

@@Margie122

She will be about one mile away. One of the things that got her calmed down was my sister pointing out the fact that their relationship (mom and sister) got so much better after mom moved out.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

@@Sharon1964 - regardless of your mom's health or issues which may or may not be worked out, you must take care of yourself first. That is why on airplanes they tell you put your oxygen mask on first before putting it on your kid or others who need assistance.