You know, I read a lot about how the divorce rate is high after one spouse has bariatric surgery. I can totally see that now. I have fought with my husband for 3 days straight now and am thinking about filing for divorce. He never wants to talk to me, he purposely does things and finds ways to avoid me and is being just downright selfish.

At this point, I don't even want to be in the same room with him. Anyone else going through this?

I am only 3 1/2 weeks out, so it's not that I've lost a ton of weight and feel like I can do better or something like that, my husband is literally avoiding me. I feel a divorce is on the horizon.

I am so sorry you're going through this.

I'm married, and love my husband, but we're experiencing some issues that are unrelated to the weight loss (lots of baggage) that we're working through. I am lucky in that he is open to listening and working on the problems and we're not fighting; just trying to talk things out, and I'm explaining what I'm feeling and what I need from him. We'll seek out a counselor if we feel like we aren't making progress.

Have you tried counseling? If you are to the point where you're unable to communicate and anger and frustration are the only real interactions between you two, it might be good to have an impartial person to help you both figure out what is going on and work on the problems together. If your husband won't go with you, then go alone. Should help you to decide if the relationship is worth saving, or what the next steps are if it isn't.

Edited January 23, 201610 yr by FrankiesGirl

My husband and i have been doing fine . I have been sleeve for 6 weeks out now...hes been supporting me the entire time..i dont know exaclty what younand your husbanf are going through but as mentioned in frankiegirl post try counseling

I've been married to my hubs 28 years, and it's been 9 months since my sleeve surgery. We're doing great (now). He has been doing lots more things like complimenting me, and working on improving himself lately. For a few long months he was depressed, and practically ate himself into oblivion, but once he realized he wasn't hurting anyone but himself, he started working out and properly portioning his food. Now he has become more attentive (which he wasn't for a time after my surgery... think he may have been a tad jealous) If your problem is anything like mine, I hope you two can work it out, if that is the path you are also hoping for. I never expected him to eat like me, or want to exercise like me. One thing I have learned in my long life is that you can't MAKE someone do something to help themselves. They have to WANT to do it. Best of luck to you both.

It really helps to be able to just vent here and get impartial advice. It is extremely hard to tell him what I need because when I do, he gets defensive, tells me I'm just trying to make him feel bad, & accuses me of bitching and complaining. I never raise my voice at him and try to be careful about how I word things.

I've been very sick the last few days and staying in bed most of the time, working from home, so I've had no adult interaction. I was feeling so much better this morning and texted him that I would like to be able to wear real clothes, put on some makeup, & maybe go to a movie. He said sure and then when he got home, he got on Netflix, started watching Making a Murderer and when I asked him about the movie, ( I was dressed and had done my hair and makeup, which I haven't done in a week) he said he wanted to finish the series. Mind you, the episodes are an hour long & he had 5 episodes left. At this point, it was 5 pm, so there was no chance of my movie date. I didn't say a word, I just put my pajamas and went to bed. I got up at 6:30, went into the living room, he is still watching the series and I just started crying. He got so mad and said he was tired of feeling like the bad guy, blah blah blah. I just cried more and am now back in bed.

That's pretty much the long and short of it. He was super sensitive and treated me great the first week after surgery, while my Mom was here and now he doesn't even act like he cares about how I'm feeling.

I hope it gets better, but I definitely can't keep begging my husband for attention. ????

First, I am sorry you are experiencing this. However, your body is still healing and your hormones are probably going haywire trying to correct themselves after this ordeal of a surgery. Please don't make any major decisions about life at this moment. Give yourself time to heal.

In no way am I justifying your hubby's actions either. Just consider whether he is acting differently than just prior to surgery (not the week after). Is this the type of stuff he does usually at home etc.? Just consider that is all I am saying.

I hope things improve for you.

Thank you for your reply. He is usually really great, most of the time, but recently he has been so insensitive. I actually just got sick a moment ago (eggs came back up) and was throwing up. I texted him, (he was in the living room) & told him I was getting really nauseous and thought I was going to throw up. He just texted me back "no". I'm throwing up, crying, go into the kitchen to get nausea meds and he was like "are you ok"? Clearly I'm not. I'm crying, throwing up and guess where he still is...you got it, watching that series. I pretty much hate him right now ????

Have you asked him why he's avoiding you? What makes you think the issue is surgery related? I can say from experience that the few month after surgery was hard on my fiancé. It was all about me me me because I was navigating through such a huge life change. My parents, friends, family were all catering to my every need and I think his feelings definitely took a back seat. I was also an emotional rollercoaster those first 4-5 weeks. It wasn't until around the 8 week mark when everything leveled out and got back to normal. He's extremely supportive and complimentary of my progress and success. If he ever started acting oddly, I would want to figure out why and what i could do to fix it. Try to remember that this process has probably been a big change for him too. Maybe just try to hear things from his point of view then assess from there.

sorry you are having such an emotional time of it. Try to remember that no one can make someone else happy. It is each persons responsibility to make themselves happy. Just take care of YOU. (I'm not sure why you feel the need to text your hubs, who is in the next room). consider that you are not the same person you were prior to surgery. You probably weren't as emotional, or as sick, either. It will calm down soon, just give it some time, and rest, and recover.

You guys are probably right. I've been ultra sensitive this week. I haven't really considered how he might be feeling. I want to jump into a huge margarita and bowl or chips and salsa and eat/drink it all ????

It's so hard to figure out what to do with these emotions...

Also as a thought, not an excuse, Making a Murderer is an addicting and emotional documentary. I myself was cranky and distant with my family when watching it. I was annoyed having to pause it whenever my kids needed me or it was time for dinner. It's sucks every emotion out of you and it took me a couple of weeks to snap out of it.

I would suggest counseling. Since I had the surgery in Oct 2015 I have lost 44 lbs and my husband can't keep his hands off of me. It's actually making me feel more attractive then ever. Good luck

In his defense, that making a murderer is addictive and sucks you in....

But do get counseling. WLS is hard on our families too.

You are arguing via text in adjacent rooms?

How old are you two?

You are just beginning the discovery of coping with emotions without literally stuffing them. ..put all that thought of divorce and stuff out of your mind and give yourself a chance to heal, and frankly rebuild some life skills.

On another note, I watched that damn show 3 weeks ago and I think i have decided what really happened. .. but I have been thinking about it that long - especially about the kid who was convicted due to coerced confession. Like I said, it was addictive.

You guys are probably right. I've been ultra sensitive this week. I haven't really considered how he might be feeling. I want to jump into a huge margarita and bowl or chips and salsa and eat/drink it all ????

It's so hard to figure out what to do with these emotions...

@@jembell01 I experienced some of what you are going through. Like others have mentioned, there are biological and emotional challenges from WLS because of the changes in hormones, the feelings coming up because we no longer use food to soothe or cope and the transformation in our bodies not to mention others' reactions to our new bodies and the WLS process as a whole. Yikes we go through a lot!!

I was overly sensitive to my husbands moods after WLS and when I was needy, got triggered a lot when he took care of himself or did not take initiative or respond to my needs - and that pushed him farther away and yet because of WLS I needed him more than ever!

Then I switched gears, focused on self-compassion (Dr. Kristin Neff, http://self-compassion.org/) It changed my life.

I started some of her practices and committed to giving myself what I kept seeking from my husband. Not saying he wasn't a jerk sometimes, but over time the most amazing thing happened. As I took better care of myself (which was always my issue and why I got so big to begin with) he stopped pulling away and distancing himself from me and gave me more of what I needed.

I am not sure if this resonates at all with you, but if it does I encourage you to find your own path to your specific healing, and by focusing on yourself and taking care of yourself either it will become clear it's worth it to stay and work on your relationship, or you need to end it.

You had the strength to have WLS, you have the strength to get through this. I am so sorry you are so sick and throwing up, that really sucks and makes me super emotional too. I hope you find relief soon. Please keep us updated!

edited to add link to Dr. Neff's site above

Edited January 23, 201610 yr by butterfly23