Hi friends. Well today is my three year bandiversary and I've been in maintenance for about half that time. As many of you know, my journey was far from linear in that ten months after getting banded, I had both hips replaced. The recovery was long and hard fought and it was months before I was finally off the cane for good.
I literally had to re-learn to walk and move like a normal person. I also found myself in therapy due to body image issues and feelings of loss of control among others. I'm taking a break after two years to see if I can move forward without the therapist's help but I feel sort of like I did when I stopped using the cane. Both scared and happy to put it behind me. Time will tell if I can manage without her help.
I still have physical issues because of all the abuse my body underwent but I can do the things most people take for granted like going up and down stairs, bending over to tie my shoes, crossing my legs, fitting in a booth or airplane seat...the list goes on and on.
Mostly what's changed is that I got my life back. I know that sounds dramatic but it's true. I didn't even realize how small my world had gotten as I got larger and less able to move without pain. In 2015, I took a vacation to London which was something I wanted to do since I was a teenager. I even rode a bike through the royal parks. I met a gentleman online back in May and I am very much enjoying spending time with him. I've found physical love again and emotional closeness. The feeling of happiness as I lay in his arms nearly overwhelms me. I have to pinch myself just to make sure this is real.
My children no longer worry about my health. They lost their dad more than 20 years ago and they worried that I would die young as well and leave them without either parent. I know this is no longer an issue for them and I'm relieved I don't cause them any additional anxiety.
I like to shop and dress up. I care a great deal about my appearance now and I almost feel like a real life Barbie doll deciding each evening what I will wear the next day and what accessories I will pick from. I have lots of clothes, shoes, pocketbooks, makeup, real and fashion jewelry. It's all to make me look and feel pretty. It's wonderful to feel pretty when I felt invisible for such a long time.
I'm part of the world again and not sitting on the sidelines of it watching others engage while I cannot. I owe all of this to my band. Doesn't mean I don't struggle with hunger and making good choices. But I like the way my therapist said it. I 'sample' things now rather than overdo it. That includes food obviously but also my love life...we are NOT joined at this hip and it's a good thing. Same with work, exercise, friendships, and life in general. I sample things and savor them. In many ways it makes me appreciate it all the more because I don't do anything to excess.
For those of you starting your journey, or those of you who are vets, I just wanted to put it out there that while I went into this process kicking and screaming, it was the best thing I could have ever done for myself and my family. I will always be so grateful for the tool I now have at my disposal, and the support I get from my virtual friends here on BP.
