Confession time: my quest for the "perfect" body

[Bluesea71 698]

I have a confession. I'm sure I'm not unique. I'm really tough on myself. I judge my body and its imperfections in a way that's often WAY worse than when I was overweight. I surpassed my surgeon's goal months ago. Why didn't I Celebrate? Because the body I saw NAKED in the mirror didn't reflect back to me the image I wanted to see. So I keep loosing weight. I hit 150 on the scale yesterday. At one point this would have been my goal weight. I still see a small percentage of fat underneath the skin around my belly so I have adjusted my goal. I worry I will keep doing this and I will never be satisfied. This behavior is new to me. I'm typically one to find pleasure even in the littlest of things. I can easily express gratitude for the things I have. I find lately I have become quite obsessive about the way I look. I spend hours looking at myself naked in the mirror. I love the new body being reflected back at me. I have gone from a size 20 to a size 8. My husband tells me I'm sexy. Some days I feel that way. Other days I obsess over the stretched out, puckered skin on my belly resulting from two huge pregnancies. I HATE the surgery scars on my belly that just cry out I've had WLS (although faded, you will always be able to see them.) My breasts are no longer full. My Husband is very anti-plastic surgery. He wants me to accept myself the way he does. Would plastic surgery even be the answer? Or would it start a vicious cycle of other surgeries to reach a level of perfectionism I will never reach? (Note: I'm not judging others choices here, I'm worried that my need for perfectionism is much deeper and wouldn't easily be "cured" by simply having surgery.). I also want to say that if I want plastic surgery bad enough I can easily convince him. He's probably the only man on the planet who doesn't care for breast implants!

I came across an article online today (link posted below.) It's funny how things appear in our lives just when we are ready for them. It's about this mom who posted a picture of herself on the internet in a bikini with her belly full of stretch marks. My babies trashed my body when I was pregnant. I have to admit that I am one of the lucky ones. After an almost 90 pound weight loss, I have almost zero loose skin except what is on my belly. Yet that is all I focus on when I look in the mirror. The one area I can't stand. I get angry that I've lost all of this weight "and still can't wear a bikini." It's led to some plenty heated discussions between the spouse and I. I tell him he just doesn't get it. I tell him the only people who will understand are my Bariatric friends who have lost a significant amount of weight and are dealing with the same body image issues as me post weight-loss.

Ugh. So the weight loss journey continues. It's like peeling an onion one layer at a time. This journey is so complex and never ending!

http://m.today.com/parents/mom-flaunts-flab-stretch-marks-viral-bikini-photo-2D80567590?cid=sm_fbn

Edited March 25, 2015 by Bluesea71

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Great topic. And those are some great questions you're asking yourself.

My shrink has brought up these issues with me already. (I'm 5 pounds from goal at this point.) So I look forward to this discussion.

[IcanMakeit 1,318]

I also worry about my dissatisfaction with my body. I tell myself that I'm getting a Tummy Tuck because my hanging stomach is uncomfortable, but honestly it's also that I find it unsightly. I don't want to end up chasing some dream of perfection, either. So when I'm asked about my bat wings, I always say that they don't bother me (even though they are pretty noticeable) and I've decided I can live with my rumpled "lived in" butt and thighs. This is just what a 61 y.o. formerly obese woman looks like. I'm never going to look like Barbie, no matter how thin I get.

[BayougirlMrsS 3,933]

you just wrote exactly how i felt.... after my weight loss i was in pretty good shape... My arms, legs, breast were pretty good. Meaning i didn't have bat wings, saggy thighs and my breast cup size stayed the same..... My issue was the stomach. After two babies, and multiple surgeries my stomach was beat the hell up. I was fortunate that i didn't' have stretch marks on the top of my stomach... all were in the Pelvic area.

I too struggled with the "unknown", in fact i posted something a while back about this very thing... I went back and forth with should i or shouldn't i .... And my husband didn't want me to have PS either. Then one day i thought.... I didn't give up all the thing i gave up, bust my ass at the gym everyday to still not be completely happy with my body.... And i wanted to wear a bikini... DAMN-IT.... So i did it... i had my TT.... i have not regretted it not one single day. Next to WLS it was the best gift i gave myself.

I wish you luck with your decision.... which ever you make

Now do i still look at my self and say... I WISH.... hell yes i do. Im almost 47 and the wrinkles are showing more and the grays are coming faster... but i have to say... all in all, im good with me.

Edited March 25, 2015 by bayougirlmrsc

[CanyonBaby 1,852]

WOW! You did a great job in your weight loss...congratulations! As for that negative image you have of yourself, I think most of us have that, because we have spent many years looking at our heavy bodies, and that image has impressed itself as a PERMANENT image (just in case that dreaded mirror EVER happens to crack and break...what would we do if we CAN'T see ourselves as FAT?). SO, WHAT DO WE DO NOW? Be thankful. Always thankful. A grateful heart doesn't have time for anything else, as there is truly much to be thankful for. When we are in the process of giving thanks for every bit that has happened as a result of WLS, our image starts to change, FROM THE INSIDE OUT!!! Always look for the beauty that has been HIDDEN within, the beauty that was there (not physical beauty - not yet) but wasn't allowed out, because we perceived that PHYSICAL beauty is what we and other people only wanted to see. You have ALWAYS been beautiful, now that you are (PHYSICALLY) beautiful, you can set the REAL beauty free, what is INSIDE. So start comparing your old body to the new, SEE the beauty that is unfolding, REMEMBER what each area looked like, then BE CONTENT with what you now have, and be THANKFUL for the changes that have occurred!

There are MANY great swimsuits and undergarments that have spandex and other figure-enhancing qualities that help smooth-out the "imperfections", and they make us look AWESOME! Go and invest in them, for areas you think need some improvement. No one is perfect, even the models out there need airbrushing! Be kind to yourself, be thankful for EVERYTHING, and ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS ......look forward......

[Bluesea71 698]

I also worry about my dissatisfaction with my body. I tell myself that I'm getting a Tummy Tuck because my hanging stomach is uncomfortable, but honestly it's also that I find it unsightly. I don't want to end up chasing some dream of perfection, either. So when I'm asked about my bat wings, I always say that they don't bother me (even though they are pretty noticeable) and I've decided I can live with my rumpled "lived in" butt and thighs. This is just what a 61 y.o. formerly obese woman looks like. I'm never going to look like Barbie, no matter how thin I get.

I do have to give myself SOME credit, I guess. I'm a middle-aged woman in my 40's. my butt is flat and if I really wanted to get obsessive, a plastic surgeon MAY recommend a body lift vs. a tummy tuck if I ever went down the plastic surgery route. To me, the small amount of butt sag I have isn't worth a huge scar. I don't have the expectations to have the body of someone in their 20's. I just want to look "normal." Whatever that is! I guess it's all about the journey and about us learning to feel comfortable in the skin we are in no matter our size! There will be no Brazilian butt lift in my future. Although I see some plastic surgeons offer it free with a tummy tuck.... J/K.

Edited March 25, 2015 by Bluesea71

[CanyonBaby 1,852]

Oh, by the way. You CAN'T be an onion. Onions, no matter how much you peel them, don't have a core, and only make you cry. APPLES, however, have a core, and are sweet. (This is how I see people. You are either an apple or an onion, which would you RATHER be?) Have a great day!

[bikrchk 1,313]

I've always said, the mental mind fu that this surgery causes is far more traumatic than the physical recovery from having been "cut". I feel the same. BMI 23 and change, size 4 which I haven't seen since probably grade school and I'm BOTHERED by some loose skin? I dunno, I MAY decide to look into having something done with it at some point, but for now I try to ignore the devil on my shoulder that tells me "that's not good enough" and listen to my BF who never knew me fat and who tells me I'm beautiful.

[Babbs 14,680]

In almost the year I've been perusing these forums, I see this as a normal progression of this surgery. I have seen over and over how at first, it's all about "getting healthy". Then, as the weight loss progresses, it becomes more about the changes the person is seeing in their body, both good and bad. I see people close to their personal goal weights saying "I think I'm going to try for a stretch goal of 10 more pounds"...."maybe 5 more pounds I will be happy"....

I'm not judging at all. It's been an interesting observation of mine. I'm still 25lbs away from goal, and still feel a little "pleasantly plump", so I'm not really noticing the deflated boobs (still full but going south fast!) and really sagging skin...yet. Let's face it, I'm pushing 48 and things haven't been where they need to be for a while. But yeah, lets see how I feel when I'm 25 more pounds down.

And by the way, I would LOVE to have the "flabby stomach" the woman in the article has. If I looked like her, I would be wearing a bikini all the time....

[JamieLogical 8,684]

I have had plastic surgery, so maybe I can give you my perspective. I lost 90 pounds "on my own" in 2010/2011. In august of 2011, I had an extended Tummy Tuck, breast lift with implants, and full body Lipo. I was THRILLED with the results of my plastics (still am), but that didn't prevent me from eventually regaining back up to within 10 pounds of my original starting weight. Thus my decision to have the sleeve this past September. I am very fortunate that the results of my plastics held up well through my weight re-gain and re-loss. But I promise you that if you are really hung up on your body image and hate your body, plastics will not fix that. You will find something else to obsess over.

You should only have plastics if you LOVE your body. I've loved my body through thick and thin and before and after plastics. You have to be in a positive head-space when choosing to do plastics. It's not able fixing something that's broken.... think about it more like improving upon perfection....

[Keeper 218]

I don't know if my comment will add anything new to this discussion, but I wanted to share a conversation I had with my husband yesterday. I had one of the worst days since surgery and even before surgery yesterday. I joined a boot camp at a gym a few weeks ago and am working with a private trainer to help me n my way of getting fit. I go twice a week on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Well last Thursday I wasn't able to go because of getting a fill and another doctor's appointment that day. So I knew yesterday was going to be hellish, but still. I literally cried during the workout. I felt so ashamed at how hard it was, and angry that I let myself get to a point where I was so unhealthy and unfit. I literally high-tailed it out of the gym when it was over and sobbed in my car. When I was calmer, hubby and I talked and here is what he said:

We all carry two demons inside of us, the one who tells us we are nothing and the one that tells us we are perfect. The demon who tells us we are failures stands around trying to sell tickets to his fun house. Normally we are able to ignore it and go on about our days, but when we feel our most vulnerable, we succumb. We enter the fun house full of mirrors that reflect our failures, our regrets, our fears, our imperfections. And we are no better for having paid this visit to the fun house when we leave.

His words stuck with me all day and even into today, though I feel much better. I am still so early in the process. I have only lost 30 pounds so all I see is a fat person when I look in the mirror. I do try to find things about myself that I love. I have thin wrists and ankles, beautiful hands. I can appreciate my stretch marks from having carried two amazing children. My breasts have been saggy and flat-ish since puberty, lol (meaning I have never liked them and don't expect that to change. But they look good in a good bra!). I am in the camp that wants to get healthy, as of now. I am terrified of becoming dissatisfied once I lose weight. I don't want to wear a bikini necessarily, but I want to wear a one piece without a skirt. I have a tattoo on my wrist that says "I want, I want, I want." it is a quote from a book, but it has pertained so accurately to so many points in my life. The wanting but not knowing what I want; the wanting of things that seem impossible; the wanting of someone who has hope.

Like I said, I don't know if this adds anything, but as everyone above has stated, we have all felt this one, in one way or another. There are those of us that are 'jealous' of where you are - having lost your weight, feeling happy, proud, excited for you, and wanting the same for ourselves. We all battle this differently. I guess I just want to send virtual hugs and just say, "I *get* it. You aren't alone."

Edited March 25, 2015 by Keeper

[CanyonBaby 1,852]

@@Bluesea71

When you find out what "normal" is, please let me know....I've been floundering around for DECADES trying to figure out what it is.....still floundering....

[Bluesea71 698]

I have had plastic surgery, so maybe I can give you my perspective. I lost 90 pounds "on my own" in 2010/2011. In august of 2011, I had an extended Tummy Tuck, breast lift with implants, and full body Lipo. I was THRILLED with the results of my plastics (still am), but that didn't prevent me from eventually regaining back up to within 10 pounds of my original starting weight. Thus my decision to have the sleeve this past September. I am very fortunate that the results of my plastics held up well through my weight re-gain and re-loss. But I promise you that if you are really hung up on your body image and hate your body, plastics will not fix that. You will find something else to obsess over.

You should only have plastics if you LOVE your body. I've loved my body through thick and thin and before and after plastics. You have to be in a positive head-space when choosing to do plastics. It's not able fixing something that's broken.... think about it more like improving upon perfection....

Jamie - I've been reflecting on your post a lot today and thinking about what you said. I really do love 99% of my body. I love how tall I am. I love how long my legs are. I love that I have an athletic build that looks toned with little effort. I love the color of my hair and eyes. It really is my stomach that I'm obsessing over. The reality is, I have never liked my stomach. Even BEFORE I had children. It's never been toned. It's always been flabby. The love/hate relationship with my tummy has been going on for years.

In my original post I was concerned that I would get obsessive and never be satisfied with the body I had. The more I thought about it, I don't think that would be the case. I live in a community where getting Botox and fillers injected into your face is the norm. I've never done that. I'm still debating if breast implants are something I would want if the husband magically changed his mind and was 100% behind me to get them. There are endless elective procedures I could of had up to this point if wanted to but never had. Why? I guess I just wasn't one to obsess over my looks that way. This is why this whole sudden obsession of mine around body image threw me for a loop. It suddenly wasn't good enough that I looked awesome in clothing. I wanted to look good NAKED. I really do think a tummy tuck may be all that is needed to put my mind at ease.... But I recognize there is some work I need to do on myself first. I have already decided that I would wait a year (summer 2016) to see how much my skin adjusts on its own and how much I can modify with exercise. That is the easy part. The harder part is tackling the body image stuff I wasn't prepared for post surgery.

Peeling back another layer of that onion (oops, apple!)

Edited March 26, 2015 by Bluesea71

[onmywaytobeingfound 163]

@@Keeper I can't explain you how much I love your husband's analogy. Thank you for sharing :-)

[Bluesea71 698]

@@Keeper I can't explain you how much I love your husband's analogy. Thank you for sharing :-)

I agree! It's been a busy day and I'm just getting around to reading everyone's replies. Thank you for sharing your story and your inspiring words.

I want I want I want..... My husband would say that would be the perfect tattoo for *me*