I pulled out the jeans I went horseback riding in all summer and felt quite dismayed at their snugness - no stretch in the fabric and while they zipped, they were definately a bit too small for comfort. I have been back on track the last week, but I had 3 months of too much party, not enough exercise so had some regain from my lowest weight (which was 140). anyway, I was feeling a little negative and decided to check the size. Size 4/27. I decided to give myself a hug and be happy that I was stressing over my size 4s being too snug as opposed to being hopelessly too big for my size 24W!!! Well, actually, my biggest fat pants (from a few years before my sleeve) are 32W.

Of course I need to remain diligent so I don't let myself creep way back up, but i do think sometimes we need to have a little bit of a step back on this subject.

So, fellow vets - I know this time of year many of us feel the draw to eat comfort food etc, cuddle on the sofa type of lifestyle and have perhaps gained 5 or 10. What is your reality check? Dealing with regain can be overwhelming but I am finding that getting back into my groove and routines has helped me feel alot better about my ability to get back down a few pounds and probably more importantly, get fit again.

I did a long horseback ride yesterday (2 rides in a weeks time!) although I haven't really been riding much lately - taking a winter break. I have been on my spinning back again after a long break. Just keeping on, keeping on.

Well, I went to the Dr. last Wednesday and had a lot of blood work. My sugar is elevated, my cholesterol is elevated and as of right now I've gained back 44 pounds. Doesn't seem to be an end to my sugar addiction. I guess I either have to reside myself to the fact that I'm going to let myself get back to 300 again or I'm going to fight. Honestly, I don't have the fight in me. I really don't. So, I deserve what I am going to get in the coming months. I don't eat. I drink sugar. I'm addicted to sugar. That said... it isn't cakes, Cookies, etc.. I seem to not be able to get through the day without it, my fix, my frappes, lattes....

My doctor gave me this look like ... well.. you are doing this to yourself and he is right. I wonder if I really want to be here without my husband. Now don't take that the wrong way and start thinking I'm talking about suicide. I'm not! I just don't seem to have it in me to want to fight this any longer. All I care about is having something to make me feel better when I'm in so much pain from losing my husband, my life, my forever. I won't complain about gaining anymore. It is what it is. Caffeine and sugar helps me get through the day. Am I strong enough to give it up? No, I think not. I have size 8 to 16 jeans in my closet. I was a 26.

Well, I went to the Dr. last Wednesday and had a lot of blood work. My sugar is elevated, my cholesterol is elevated and as of right now I've gained back 44 pounds. Doesn't seem to be an end to my sugar addiction. I guess I either have to reside myself to the fact that I'm going to let myself get back to 300 again or I'm going to fight. Honestly, I don't have the fight in me. I really don't. So, I deserve what I am going to get in the coming months. I don't eat. I drink sugar. I'm addicted to sugar. That said... it isn't cakes, Cookies, etc.. I seem to not be able to get through the day without it, my fix, my frappes, lattes....

My doctor gave me this look like ... well.. you are doing this to yourself and he is right. I wonder if I really want to be here without my husband. Now don't take that the wrong way and start thinking I'm talking about suicide. I'm not! I just don't seem to have it in me to want to fight this any longer. All I care about is having something to make me feel better when I'm in so much pain from losing my husband, my life, my forever. I won't complain about gaining anymore. It is what it is. Caffeine and sugar helps me get through the day. Am I strong enough to give it up? No, I think not. I have size 8 to 16 jeans in my closet. I was a 26.

I know this is frustrating, but I swear it works. Have you tried clean eating? It's really quite simple. No processed foods, no refined sugars Cook from scratch at least 85% of the time. Read labels at the market. Do not buy anything with more than 10 ingredients listed or ingredients you need a science degree to decipher. I still drink coffee, for sweeteners I use the real deal organic sugar, raw honey occasionally real maple sugar and coconut sugar. I don't care for agave, but that's allowed as well. I also limit the amount of simple carbs I eat so minimal white rice, Pasta & breads. 3 months after I cleaned out my pantry I felt 100% better. More energy and my palette changed. Since the sugars I was getting were all natural I didn't crave them like I used to. I could put a tsp of sugar in my coffee instead of a tbsp and be satisfied. I discovered I not only liked the taste of crisp, clear, plain Water, I craved it!

You've come this far, keep fighting. Once I got the hang of this it became second nature. The only thing I do not drink are sodas. I don't feel deprived for one single minute.

I too lost my husband when I was 39 and there are times I want to just dive into my old comfort foods. There are plans for my life that had to be rewritten and that pisses me off. But...that said...this is when you have to dig deep and do it for you. Write your own story with a happy ending. God knows its hard....but you are worth fighting for.

I know I am.

Lisa I am a sugar addict too. But I choose not to get sucked back into the sugar addiction again. I did go to StarBucks and buy a frapp and kicked myself in the arse after I realized that I wasn't thinking and gave into my addiction. So now I choose not to go near the places where I'm likely to give in to the sugary stuff. I get my sweetness from protein drinks and protein bars. I had gained 10 lbs over the last few months but am back on track and have lost 3 lbs in the last 3 days..... Makes me excited to know I'm heading in the right direction now.

Now you can either choose to live a full life, or kill yourself by eating all that sugar. So to be so blunt but that is the reality. that is your choice. I hope you choose to get back on track and live. I know your missing your husband, but think of what he would want for you. He would want for you to live.......to live for him if nothing else. You can do this and lose that 44 lbs you put back on. We all have our ups and downs.

We are here for you. So use us as your support.... Love ya....

Also I advise you to get some grief counseling. It may be the thing to help you from drowning your sorrows in food.

Sorry I took over the thread.

Thanks everyone. I don't drink soda. I drink coffee, sugar, Water. Sometimes tea if I go out to eat which is very rare. The thought of food is appalling to me. I don't eat fast food at all. I drink Protein shakes. I need to fix my relationship with food but haven't tried hard enough I guess. I need to eat. Dr said I'm malnourished. Its been 7 months. I try not to post here much because I know that its frustrating for all of you who are trying to help. Yes.. I will make it or I won't Right now I don't have that fight. I fought for my husband so hard for 6 months... we lost. So now, I think what is the use? Well, thanks for the comments and advice. Much love to all my sleeve friends. <3

@@Lisa's Hope Grief is not a time or moment in life it is as long as it takes to feel the pain less and less and find yourself smiling at the odd thing now and then. when that happens and you see the sun come up in the morning and it makes you feel good to know it happened then you are on your way to healing. You will never ever forget the love of your life and will never ever get over it all. But you can learn to deal. And even though we all think we have all the answers because we are trying to comfort you in any way we can. We can't feel your pain of your loss and how it has effected you. you have to go through it as it happens. All the emotions to get to a place where you want to go on. that might not be today or tomorrow but I am sure that your hubby would have wanted you to go on with your life and live a healthy long one at that.

No one can do it for you. All we can do is show support in any way we can and by doing so maybe you will see that the future is ahead of you and going backwards will only cause you more pain. Pushing through the pain and looking after yourself will give you the strength you need to go on.

Please get counseling if you can. Someone who can give you the tools to help you go forward.

Thinking of you and worried that if you give up on yourself. It will only make matters worse..Along with the grief you feel adding self loathing will be too much.

@@CowgirlJane You have been such a help to me in my process to get plastics. Because of you I looked at my appointment with my new surgeon totally different then the first one. We all have our ups and downs.....and like you always seem to do you bounce back to the up side. You keep it real and I love that about you. Your truly a success story!

Sorry I took over the thread.

Thanks everyone. I don't drink soda. I drink coffee, sugar, Water. Sometimes tea if I go out to eat which is very rare. The thought of food is appalling to me. I don't eat fast food at all. I drink Protein shakes. I need to fix my relationship with food but haven't tried hard enough I guess. I need to eat. Dr said I'm malnourished. Its been 7 months. I try not to post here much because I know that its frustrating for all of you who are trying to help. Yes.. I will make it or I won't Right now I don't have that fight. I fought for my husband so hard for 6 months... we lost. So now, I think what is the use? Well, thanks for the comments and advice. Much love to all my sleeve friends. <3

Please post as much as you want! Lean on us! Better to come here and rant than bury yourself in foods you shouldn't eat. The point is your husband may be gone but you are not. If he didn't value life he wouldn't have fought so hard. Honor him by living YOUR best life.

Lisa you are going through stages of grief. This is a process and I hope you can find a therapist to help get through this. It's not just about eating. It's about depression. Perhaps you can talk to your PCP or bariatric doctor about the depression. It is really super hard to lose a person you love so much and to see him fight as hard as he good and to lose the battle at the end. I'm talking as a therapist bc I am a therapist.... talk to us as much as you need too. Everyday.......

RJ - so glad to hear that. I remember that thread and I also remember how devastated I was by my first consult and so I hope my experiences help you see things in a slightly different light. What i keep going back to was my friend P being DEVASTATED by the consult she went to me with Dr Sauceda - she didn't have the benefit of 9 months and several consults to get over the trauma...haha. By the time I consulted with Dr S, someone pulling my skin around and pointing out flaws I hadn't noticed yet was old hat.

Lisa, keep posting, nobody is tired of it. I get that you are stuck and that our advice is not very helpful because you aren't really open to it right now because you are just "outta juice". I remember when i got very very very heavy (during the era I didn't weigh myself, perhaps I weighed nearly350) laying on my side and thinking my belly was like it was when I was 9 months pregnant only I wasn't. I remember sort of laughing and poking at it, like it was a surreal pillsbury doughwoman and not me. It was like it was too overwhelming, too impossible and I was so miserable with the rest of my life... I really thought I might just die like that.

What I do think is relevant to you... and goes back to my original post. You have currently regained 44 pounds and are wearing around a size 16. Even IF you don't relose this - isn't this so much better than where you were pre sleeve? I believe you are very near the size of an "average" American woman.... seems alot better to me than being morbidly obese and wearing the 26Ws again. Do you think you could make peace with focusing on getting healthy again and just maintaining where you are at for now and not worry about that dreadful feeling of needing to lose a bunch of weight?

Of course what I think is you are sad, tired, lonely, grieving and all sorts of messy emotions. I went through a time of tremendous loss and my extended grieving not only cost me but my family. If I had it to do over again, I would have joined groups, counseling or SOMETHING to move forward sooner. Being griefstruck for so long didn't bring my losses back and only caused troubles for me and my family... for which I regret now.

Really well said cowgirl.....I know my loss was multiple years ago and I remember that hopeless who gives a f state of mind. Lisa please reach out...talk to anyone you choose....I've been there so reach out to me if you want.

Sorry I took over the thread.

Thanks everyone. I don't drink soda. I drink coffee, sugar, Water. Sometimes tea if I go out to eat which is very rare. The thought of food is appalling to me. I don't eat fast food at all. I drink Protein shakes. I need to fix my relationship with food but haven't tried hard enough I guess. I need to eat. Dr said I'm malnourished. Its been 7 months. I try not to post here much because I know that its frustrating for all of you who are trying to help. Yes.. I will make it or I won't Right now I don't have that fight. I fought for my husband so hard for 6 months... we lost. So now, I think what is the use? Well, thanks for the comments and advice. Much love to all my sleeve friends. <3

I second the suggestion about grief counseling. Have you considered seeing a therapist, attending OA, and/or other support?

Putting my Speedos is always a reality check.