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Why do men do this?



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I can understand fully that everyone has their type, everyone likes a certain kind of person. Some men are attracted to larger women, some like super skinny, some like in between.

But this isn't even about that. I have noticed that last time I lost weight three years ago, I was right around this same weight, and suddenly men at my job who had ignored me were talking to me. I wasn't even aware that they ignored me, I guess I am a private person and I don't talk to everyone either. But out of the blue men who were friends with the people around me started to include me in their jokes or ask me questions or what have you.

And now it is happening again. It isn't like they are hitting on me. Just saying hi in the hall or adding on to a conversation I am having with someone else. What the hell?

I do not get it. I sincerely hope that I am not like that. I have tried really hard not to be like that with people I don't find attractive. I try to give everyone an equal shot at friendship and at contributing something to a team.

Why would you just ignore someone until they become socially acceptable to you?

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Oh gosh I'm sorry they made you feel like that. You are right; I think it's just as hurtful to be ignored as it is to get negative attention.

But to answer your question:Why would people ignore someone until they become socially acceptable?

People can f****ing suck sometimes.

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Oh gosh I'm sorry they made you feel like that. You are right; I think it's just as hurtful to be ignored as it is to get negative attention.

But to answer your question:Why would people ignore someone until they become socially acceptable?

People can f****ing suck sometimes.

It's not like I care that they didn't talk to me before, I am not a social butterfly type. But why suddenly decide to talk to me? I want to say go away.

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I don't have any answers. I think the best you can do is just nod and ignore them as they have done to you in the past. They are not good enough to talk to now. They just aren't.

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No question about it people do treat people differently even women do the same. But I also wonder if some of that is the increased confidence that can come from losing weight and feeling better on the inside that can make one more approachable. Just a thought.

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any possible chance that you are now feeling better about yourself and are presenting yourself in a more positive, more confident light? I get that you say you're not a social butterfly, but, I know from personal experience that when I am heavier, I tend to keep to myself, but when I start losing weight, I'm more confident, more self assured, and a lot of times, that opens the door for people to engage you- even if they have not done so in the past. Maybe you're more approachable now than you were months ago... Perhaps you're glowing and everyone is noticing this. Regardless, please try not to judge these others... and you feel they have judged you in the past. Open yourself up to new adventures and "relationships".

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It's soooo true! People who have never even made eye contact with me at work are suddenly talking and smiling at me. I'm the same person, just 97 pounds lighter. Anti-fat bias is a HUGE issue!

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any possible chance that you are now feeling better about yourself and are presenting yourself in a more positive, more confident light? I get that you say you're not a social butterfly, but, I know from personal experience that when I am heavier, I tend to keep to myself, but when I start losing weight, I'm more confident, more self assured, and a lot of times, that opens the door for people to engage you- even if they have not done so in the past. Maybe you're more approachable now than you were months ago... Perhaps you're glowing and everyone is noticing this. Regardless, please try not to judge these others... and you feel they have judged you in the past. Open yourself up to new adventures and "relationships".

I certainly understand the imbedded biases that men (and women for that matter) carry toward anyone who falls outside the range of ordinary. I agree that heavier people are in some ways invisible, too. I also think that in our everyday social lives there isn't really have an acceptable way to talk about a person's weight loss. Most conversations are clumsy at best...and blunt at their worst.

Try to be open to the possibility that people have become drawn to you and perhaps can't really articulate why. Don't spend one more second of your life building walls...and please don't disqualify others based on your hunch. That makes you no better.

XO,

Ms. A

Edited by MsAlaineus

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About a year ago, I had a female co-worker tell my good friend (also a co-worker, and female) that: "I never noticed Trever when he was fat."

I still don't know how to take that.

For the record I have yet to understand what women see in us men.

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About a month after my surgery I had lost about 25 lbs and a man I worked with came over and chatted with me about weekend plans. It was the type of small talk everyone engages in at work and it didn't occur to me that this man never really spoke to me. Finally he asked me if I'd lost some weight and I said yes I had. He said, "I thought so. Good for you. It's good that you're finally taking care of yourself." My initial reaction was to be angry because it was a backhanded compliment (which I would learn is part and parcel of weight loss) but then I had to laugh. This was a fit young man, who went out drinking every night of his life, smoked cigarettes, and worked in a high stress job. Of course he was relieved to find out that I was trying to lose weight. But he was far from an expert on taking care of oneself. Also, I know that in his mind, he was being generous to me. So I accepted the part of his statement that was a compliment and ignored his ignorance. That policy has served me well because he was far from the last person to treat me differently because of my weight loss or say something insensitive. People are dumb sometimes, but I think for the most part they are happy for the changes in your life and unable to verbalize that happiness in a way that isn't kind of rude. In the words of my very Southern grandmother, "Bless their hearts." ;)

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