Feeling Sad, Needing Help :(

[Noor1969 150]

Would you guys mind taking a moment to listen?

I need this surgery badly. I'm 260 pounds and my quality of life is just awful. My back and knees hurt all the time, I get out of breath when I walk, I can barely move around enough to keep my house clean. It's so depressing and demoralizing. I saw a diet doctor earlier this year, went on a very strict diet (HCG injections--spent thousands of dollars) and lost 60 pounds, but I've already gained half of the weight back. This is why I'm having the surgery. Diets don't work for me--I just get so damn hungry all the time. No matter how I try, I just can't control it.

I won't be able to have my surgery until February at the earliest. I'm still in the middle of doing pre-op testing and I haven't gotten insurance approval yet. I'm stressing out about that too. I know I shouldn't as my benefits plan clearly states that they pay 90% of bariatric surgery and my surgeon's office has told me that my plan is one of the easier ones to get approved by. But I worry anyway.

I can't wait until I get through all of this waiting and start my new, healthy life. I have bipolar disorder and see a psychiatrist but I don't think this depression is going to lift until I've had my surgery. I am on medication (have tried many) but my medication isn't touching the pain I'm going through right now. I don't care about looking good or fitting into new clothes, although that would be nice. I just want to be healthy and start participating in life. Right now I'm just sitting on the sidelines, depressed and in pain.

I keep blaming myself and telling myself that this is all my fault. That if I were only stronger, had more discipline, had more willpower, that I wouldn't have ended up this way. I feel absolutely terrible.

I'm just wondering if I'll be able to hang on until my surgery date. Have any of you ever felt this way? What are some ways that I can take good care of myself until I get the procedure?

Thanks so much for listening.

Noor

[crosabi 24]

I have felt this way before. Never been in meds or anything like it but the feeling has been there. Have you tried eating smaller meals? Also incorporating more veggies. I for one hate veggies so I became a lettuce freak. lol. My salad was chicken and lettuce n now spinach. I made it huge so every time I was hungry I are that. Then I drank lots if Water n I also hated the taste so I bought lemons and I would cut one up every morning and dropped it in a cup with ice n water n drank that all day. I've been sleeved for 2 months n you need to try and start something now. Cus even now I get a little down but I keep thinking positive and do all I can to keep a discipline on my eating.

[Bufflehead 6,358]

I would say, behaviorally, try practicing some small changes that will mirror your post-sleeve life. Maybe make a little schedule and try out one new thing each week between now until early February. You don't have to keep doing each thing, but try it out. Having a plan and an agenda of what you will do over the next few months may feel like you are being an active participant in your healthy future now rather than just waiting at the mercy of an army of bureaucrats at the insurance company. It could be something like this:

Week of Dec. 9: walk 15 minutes in the morning and 15 minutes at night (it can be super slow and gentle walking, nothing that will hurt you).

Week of Dec. 16: don't drink during meals or for 30 minutes after

(let's be good to ourselves and skip Christmas week)

Week of Dec. 30: sign up for a MyFitnessPal account and practice logging all foods

Week of Jan. 6: get Protein samples and test out making Protein Shakes

Week of Jan. 13: no caffeine, alcohol, chewing gum, or straws

etc. etc.

Also, stop beating yourself up about deciding to have surgery! Taking advantage of medical breakthroughs is NOT a sign of weakness or a character flaw. It's not like I'm planning to tell the dentist to hold the anesthetic and just give me a shot of whiskey and have someone hold me down the next time I'm getting a filling, because that's the old-fashioned way of enduring dental care. The truth is that 95% of morbidly obese people will never lose a significant amount of weight and maintain that weight loss unless they have bariatric surgery. So, you are in the great 95%, as am I and pretty much everyone else here. I think the fact that we researched our options, made this decision, and will work incredibly hard both before and after surgery is a testament to all of our strength, diligence, and willingess to be bold. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. This will be work and you are going to need to learn and apply a lot of information in addition to the physical, nutritional, and emotional work of surgery preparation and successful weight loss. You are making a brave choice and if anything should be patting yourself on the back. Hang in there and keep posting here -- this can be a great place for affirmation and support (or even a kick in the pants if you end up needing one).

Edited December 4, 2013 by Bufflehead

[Black Diamond 45]

Keep talking, talk until yr blue in the face...yr surgery is ONLY A TOOL it will keep you from Eating large amounts at once..drinking to much to fast..but it's constant .. u try to eat to much or to fast..yr sleeve will put u no in check by way of throwing up or stomach pain..the thing is get in training now..this is prime time to get use to this life time change...do the liquid diet for a few weeks, then follow the soft food diet...for a few...I'm telling u this all of this will throw u into the mental stages u WILL GO THRU..the HEAD HUNGER ,THE ANGER, the MOOD SWINGS..I'm telling u this from experience...DO THIS AS A pre TEST...JUST CALL IT PRE SEASON TRAINING TEST....THIS WILL HELP BUILD YR CONFIDENCE AND WILL POWER...U CAN DO IT...PLEASE STOP THE SELF DESTRUCT, STOP THE BLAME GAME, GO TALK WITH THE PSYCHOLOGIST, ITS PART OF THE PROCESS, AND KEEP POSITIVE PEOPLE AROUND YOU..YOUR GOING TO NEED THE SUPPORT..

Edited December 4, 2013 by Black Diamond

[southernsoul 773]

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling, but you're definitely not alone in that. Instead of thinking of it as "blaming" yourself for where you are, would it help to think of it as simply accepting responsibility? You can certainly accept the responsibility for the choices that brought you to this point, but also you need to accept responsibility for (and celebrate!!) the choices you are making to move yourself to a different & better point. YOU are making those good choices, they are not being forced upon you. You are actively seeking out a better life for yourself & that's a huge and wonderful thing to do. Focus on what you are doing for the positive & forgive yourself for what's in the past. You cannot go back & change the past, you can only move forward from the present moment.

I love Bufflehead's ideas for a gradual & constant schedule of steps building up to surgery. To that, I would also add to work closely with a therapist. Psychiatrists often just do general med management & not as much in terms of counseling. Work with a therapist to get yourself into the best head space as possible preop. Good luck to you!

[gamergirl 4,609]

Noor i heard something from a client today that I wanted to share with you. He said, if you focus on past,you get depressed. If you focus on the future, you get anxious. Therefore the best thing to do is focus on the now.

Buffle and black diamonds ideas of getting ready slowly are excellent. Also puresouthernnsoul is right. If you're going to take responsibility for the past decisions, you should take responsibility for the smart decision you made to have surgery too .

[Fluffnomore 1,235]

Hi Noor. My husband is bipolar and we're in the middle of an appeal for this surgery. Like you, part of him is stuck stuck stuck in a waiting pattern hoping that he will be approved and he doesn't know what to do with himself while he waits. Since he won't listen to my suggestions (grin) I will pass them along to you.

Try to eat healthier now. Don't go on a drastic diet or anything, but feed yourself roughly according to the guidelines (Protein, vegetables, then carbs) so you have the chance of feeling better mentally and physically while you wait.

Try not to obsess. For my husband, this is like telling him to try not to breathe. But your worrying will not make it move faster and will make you miserable.

I applaud the idea of seeing your psychiatrist, but maybe see if you can get some sessions in with someone who specializes in weight issues. When my husband sees the psych she adjusts his meds. When he sees the other therapist, she works on strategies with him.

As to the rest, if you look around there are hundreds of us who did not make it "on our own." You are not weak, or lazy…you are being proactive about this.

[Beach Lover 1,084]

Believe it or note you are already into the process of your sleeve. You may not have it yet but this is still part of the process and an important part. Own your past and look forward to your future. Revel in what you are doing right now! Each step pre or post op plays a part in your success. Let us help put a smile on your face and realize that you have already started the steps to your new life. Let go of the insurance worry especially since you know you have the coverage already. It is true that there are many highs and lows going through all of this but keeping a positive attitude will bring you around to being successful. We are all here for you and voicing your concerns as you did today will help you to let go of them and be more confident. I wish you the very best.........You will come to love your new life!