I am so upset. I am almost halfway through my six months of supervised diet to get approved with my ins and everytime my husband gets really mad at me he threatens to take me off of his ins. I am on his ins plan because I work for myself and getting ins for myself would be way too expensive. Today, he picked up the phone and started to call the ins co. and I ran out of the room crying. He knows how much this means to me and he is holding it over my head.:cry

Any advice?

Janiee

Play his game , get the surgery and leave his arse ! Thats just wrong what he is doing. :angry

Sounds like a real jerk. I'm pissed at this guy just reading about it!

And, since you asked for advice: Tell him you want immediate counseling or a divorce, his choice. He needs to really DEAL with his sadism and it can't hurt you to face whatever demons you might have.

It takes two to tango, and I'm sure you haven't always been an angel yourself (who is?!!), but spouses should be supportive of each other, not threatening or intimidating or power-hungry. You deserve better than this, especially during such a stressful time.

Your Lap-Band might need to go on a "secret" credit card as a self-pay... Send the bill to a P.O. Box or your parent's house and TAKE BACK THAT POWER over your health and future.

I'm not saying it's a wise financial choice, but it might change the balance of power between you two- You should be EQUALS and FRIENDS, not dominant/subservient and enemies.

Ultimately, I'm recommending counseling. If he's as much of a %*(#&% as I think, he'll pull out every stop to avoid being dragged into the light like that.

Just my .02 cents.

Stay strong and good luck.

Thanks so much!! I am wondering if I should just kiss his butt until surgery? He will not go to a counsler:mad:

Or just say forget the whole thing and find other means and be in debt.

I knew I could count on you awsome people!!

I am leaving and coming back friday so I can't wait to come back to see more advice and words of wisdom!!

Janiee

It's hard to know too much from just one post, and there may be more to the story. But from just the description you provide your husband's behavior is off the chart of "normal marital ups and downs." I agree with

Cascadian's description of the behavior as sadistic. It's hard to imagine having any sort of a loving relationship with a sadistic person. It sounds to me that your world at home is so disfunctional and corrosive to the spirit that fixing that is a good bit more important for your health than even losing weight. I would seriously consider getting yourself free from this situation and then figuring out the weight loss later, especially since you say your husband will not go to counseling. The lap band is not that expensive. You can find a way to do it on your own when the time is right.

Of course, it's easy for me to say this posting on a forum. And all I have to go on is just your one brief description of your situation. But from what you tell us, your situation is cancerous and simply intolerable. I would think about dealing with that first.

Do you think he would have actually removed you from his policy, or do you think - since he knows how badly you want this - that it has become a power source for him... a way to have control when he needs it?

Sounds 95% like a power struggle to me. And his own insecurities can be fueling that as much as any other factor.

Think of a newlywed couple (not saying you are, just making an analogy) where the man has professed his love & worship for the female, so the female - knowing this man has essentially no limits in what he will tolerate - uses, "If you do this/that, our relationship is over" as a way to force him into submission over even the most trivial of situations.

Thanks so much!! I am wondering if I should just kiss his butt until surgery? He will not go to a counsler:mad:

Janiee

Hmmm...

What is your self-respect worth?

Lap-Bands can be had for around 12-14K and financing is available. :nervous

Seriously, though, this is a choice only you can make. Just do what's right for you.

Truly, best wishes.

just a bit of advice- if its not enrollment time and there has been no life changing events ie divorce, death, birth- under most insurances he cant just take you off.

Missy I was just about to say that. Go through his paperwork and check that out. If he can't remove you then call him on it.

babygirl- that is right. call his bluff- and since you are on his insurance you can call them and find out when enrollment is.. dont you dare kiss his azz infact turn it around him.. )

I had one like this - stayed with him 15 years - was badly overweight and he never stopped telling me so. I'm going back a long time now but I met up with a teenage sweetheart [after not seeing him for about 16 years] dumped the weight [56 lbs of it] and dumped the man. Married the man of my dreams - 10 years on never been happier - OK I'm struggling with the weight again but this one is so supportive you wouldn't believe.

Get your band, lose your weight, look fabulous and then kick his arse into touch.

just a bit of advice- if its not enrollment time and there has been no life changing events ie divorce, death, birth- under most insurances he cant just take you off.

Janiee, he can delete a dependent; no reason is needed. But you should call his employer to explicitly state that this would be against your will, and the employer AND the husband could end up on the wrong end of a lawsuit. If your employer knows that it's unlikely they'd let your husband play games this way.

I'm with Wheetsin (as usual)--this is a power play pure and simple. It would be insane for him to take you off the insurance policy because any medical bills you have would end up costing HIM plenty. He's a manipulative jerk who can't see past the end of his own nose.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

I was just chatting with a colleague here about this, and it seems that in fact Janiee is on the wrong end of this stick. There wouldn't be any grounds to sue the husband or the employer; they are NOT required to maintain insurance on a spouse if the employee signs a document terminating the spouse. But that's not to say the employer still wouldn't try to discourage the employee from doing it if they knew the spouse wasn't amenable.

The consensus here, Janiee, is that you'd be much better off divorced (from an insurance perspective). That way the employer MUST offer you the chance to continue your coverage for up to 36 months, and that removes your husband from the picture altogether.

Good luck!!

I'm sorry for your situation! Of course, we couldn't possibly know the details of your marriage...just what you tell us. No matter what the situation, what he is doing is plain wrong.

In my opinion, I'd lay low/kiss some butt and get the surgery. All the while, I'd PLAN my way out of this marriage. Make arrangements (mental and/or physical) regarding your living situation/job/kids/finances/lawyer.

If things get worse or are worse, then do it sooner or later. There are other ways to finance your surgery.

Take care, Shawn

This is a difficult situation for sure. However, medical insurance would be an issue you would have to deal with in a divorce. In some divorce decrees it is written in that health insurance has to be provided for X amount of time. Also, he will take a big financial hit if you divorce. You need to ask yourself what would happen if you had a major illness or required surgery? It's not just the lapband surgery that you are facing. It could be anything.

Most divorces take time to get and work through. You are half way through the 6 months so you could have surgery in 4-5 months. Goes against my grain, but maybe laying low for a while will get you closer to the surgery. Once it is done you could start filing divorce papers. You might have to pay for aftercare, but that would be a smaller portion of the total costs.

Hope you can work all of this to your advantage. No one should have to submit to emotional blackmail.

Woah woah... slow down for a sec.

My cursed objectivity, perhaps, but I see lots of "divorce" and "use him to get your surgery, then leave him" being thrown around. But you haven't indicated any ongoing relationship problems. Everything you've mentioned is around his threatening to remove you from his policy. Are there more problems? Or is it possible that you're not seeing some turmoil that he's going through? (power, insecurities, uncertainties, etc.) My husband was a little Jerky before I had my surgery because he was afraid something would go wrong and he would lose me. He didn't know wha to do with those fears, and they ended up coming out in less-than-desirable behavior.

Do you guys really think that "when he gets mad he threatens to remove me from his coverage" really warrants ending a marriage, or compromising integrity and happiness in order to use someone for a surgery?

Obviously we don't know much about your situation, but I think that him threatening to remove you from his policy is FAR from reason to end the marriage, or use him just to get the surgery and dump him afterwards.

Surgery can be a very emotionally charged situation. Especially weightloss surgery and all the hype around risks and complications, and fear of future changes. Will she leave me once she loses the weight? Will I have more "competition" and need to worry about things? Will I still be attractive to her if she loses weight and I haven't? Etc.

And if it happens around more than the surgery, then its his way of feeling in control.

A lot of people refue to go to counseling. It doesn't mean they don't care. Especially in the case of insecure men, they fear being told "it's your fault". You know how guys sometimes won't go to the doctor even though they know something is wrong, because they don't want to "officially" hear what the problem is? This is the same kind of situation. Girls, too - for sure - but guys in particular are really finicky about this kind of stuff.

Maybe just take a step back and consider his situation and see if you can identify anything that would be causing him distress. Marriage is a two-way street. If he's just a jerk, then that's fine. But if this is atypical behavior (and I have the sense that it is, , you need to open up some communication and talk about fears and concerns, what's eating him, and how he's manifesting those emotions.

Ok, that's my advice, worth exactly what you paid for it.