Scared to death!

[4theluvof 11]

I am sooo terrified that I cancelled my 9/11 surgery for the love of!!!!!!. Soo many folks on this site that can't wait for their surgery date and I cancelled mine. I even went on wellbutrin prescribed by my doc to calm my anxiety and still I cancelled! I have been going to a lot of support groups and listening to stories and reading on this website (which is fabulous) and still I am freaking out! I am so irritated with myself! I am a breast cancer survivor and I would think that would be enough for me to go through with it due to fat producing estrogen and that is what was in my tumor so now have been put in a medical menopause so my ovaries quit producing it but the fat still does. Even my oncologist said I would benefit on many levels from this surgery.

In 2005 I quit smoking with the help of wellbutrin --that was a 22 year habit for me. I was so sick of that little cigarette running my life. My addictive personality has always been focused on food, which you cannot completely quit. Unfortunately it is the highlight of my day. My favorite things are food and happy hour-yep, love the cocktails too!. I am a 45 year old gal divorced with no kids except my 2 pups. I wasn't going to tell anyone about my surgery. My family would definitely not support this. They think this would be a weak way to deal with my weight. Tried everything with dieting and exercise and still did the famous yo-yo thing like many of us. My food addiction is very strong , I consider food my reward and fulfilling which I know is wrong but am struggling. I even go to the movies more for the bucket of popcorn than the movie! I actually get excited the whole day just about the popcorn!! I have even contemplated going to the theater just to get the popcorn and leave-who does that??? So far I have not done that but just that thought scares me.

I am 5''5" and weigh 229lbs. I have a desk job and a cleaning business. I work many hours so food is defiantly a highlight. This is very depressing-I know there has to be more to life.

I want to call the docs office and reschedule before the end of the year. That is when my insurance approval expires. I even have an easy preop diet. Just liquids 24 hours prior to surgery. I did have to lose 5-10 lbs before they would let me meet with the surgeon . My clinics philosophy is that they want the patient to be able to lose some weight on their own to get you started and to see how ready you are before they okay you. I did that which was easy due to being so overweight.

I just may need to have someone knock me over the head and drag me in to the hospital caveman style!!! I am also so afraid of the food mourning period. I'm already depressed, I don't need to climb any further into a hole. I am thinking some very good antidepressants might be needed for that. Due to my addictive personality I am wondering what my food addiction will transfer to?

I need help! Any advise is greatly appreciated!!:-)

[No game 14,436]

Well you mention Wellbutrin.. But do you see a therapist? A good counselor that deals in disordered eating would be best.

It's really goes hand in hand, I am a food addict a binger and surgery alone does not cure this..

[vsginkc 117]

I completely understand your fears. Like you, I looked forward to the movie popcorn (and junior mints) more than the movie. Sometimes I couldn't tell you what I saw, but I could tell you what I ate...! I had surgery on 8/22. Here is what I can tell you about it. The surgery itself wasn't bad at all. I had the worst time the few weeks leading up to surgery. It was a real mind f--k. Soooo many fears (similar to yours). After surgery, it was really easy for the first couple of weeks to follow "the plan." You don't feel good enough to not follow it. Now, at 4 weeks, I feel great and I am struggling with my "food issues" again. Last night, I was at a party and there were all my favorite foods there. I grazed some on Cookies, which then awoke my carb monster and I got pretty miserable because I wanted to eat more. But... I look at it this way: Before, if I would have grazed on some Cookies, I would have followed it up with a couple bowls of Cereal and then a PBJ to top it off. A "binge" these days isn't much food even when I make a bad choice. And, today, I'm back on track. I'm doing things now that I NEVER would have/could have done before surgery. For example, today, I am spending the day cooking my meals for the week, creating 1/2 cups of healthy, Protein rich foods. Then I will do what I said I would NEVER do -- track it all in My Fitness Pal. Again, don't let these things overwhelm you - I never thought I would be able to do this. My fear was: If I were able to diet and exercise, I wouldn't be in this predicament in the first place. Surgery DOES help with it. I hope you will reach some peace with your decision, whatever it is. Only you know what is best for you. That said, given you have insurance approval, I'd think long and hard about it (I had to self-pay...with insurance coverage would have been much more incentive for me).

One more thing I will add: I am in AA. I don't bother myself too much with the question of whether I am a "real" alcoholic. I have a desire not to drink, which is all that is required for membership. The 12-step program has helped me SO much with all of my addictive behaviors (I quit smoking for surgery). Like you, I can get addicted to pretty much anything. And after surgery, you aren't going to be able to drink for a long while and, when you can again, it will be in limited amounts. AA has been a real life saver for me. If you don't go with AA, you could also consider OA, which is another version of the 12 steps. Each of these programs costs $1 per day - much cheaper than one-on-

Good luck to you!!!

-Angela

[Indigo1991 1,612]

Laura-ven is right, talking to the right counsellor might be the best place to start for you. There's so much you raise in your post that you may need to address before surgery.

The sleeve helps us lose weight but its not a sticking plaster for our issues. The mind is a powerful tool. It can work for you - or against you. Getting some support to sort out what's in your head, rather than reaching for antidepressants in order to cope, might let you get to the bottom of your anxiety around the sleeve and other matters.

But good for you posting this - being aware that there's a problem and recognising that it needs to be dealt with is the right place to start rather than rushing headlong into surgery and possibly creating a bigger problem. Good luck ....

[Arts137 1,811]

This is hard. Was it fear of surgery or fear of weight loss (and food-love loss) that made this decision? Keep talking to us. We'll help if we can.

[BayshoreBuddy 58]

Do you actually want/need bariatric surgery? This may be a hard question; but, realistically you need to be honest with yourself and not listen to guiltless comments from others. It is your body, how do you plan on managing your health?

Sleeve surgery is a one-way journey to better health and longer life IF you use your pouch/tool to take control of your eating. Ask yourself what you want the rest of your life to be like and how do you plan on getting there!

As for me, I got tired of lying to myself, looking in the mirror, and being a walking pharmacy. I committed, dieted pre-surgery, had textbook smooth surgery, follow my Nutritionist's and Doctor's orders, and am experiencing a comfortable recovery with desired weight loss.

You can do the same once you have made your mind up!

[No game 14,436]

I completely understand your fears. Like you' date=' I looked forward to the movie popcorn (and junior mints) more than the movie. Sometimes I couldn't tell you what I saw, but I could tell you what I ate...! I had surgery on 8/22. Here is what I can tell you about it. The surgery itself wasn't bad at all. I had the worst time the few weeks leading up to surgery. It was a real mind f--k. Soooo many fears (similar to yours). After surgery, it was really easy for the first couple of weeks to follow "the plan." You don't feel good enough to not follow it. Now, at 4 weeks, I feel great and I am struggling with my "food issues" again. Last night, I was at a party and there were all my favorite foods there. I grazed some on Cookies, which then awoke my carb monster and I got pretty miserable because I wanted to eat more. But... I look at it this way: Before, if I would have grazed on some Cookies, I would have followed it up with a couple bowls of Cereal and then a PBJ to top it off. A "binge" these days isn't much food even when I make a bad choice. And, today, I'm back on track. I'm doing things now that I NEVER would have/could have done before surgery. For example, today, I am spending the day cooking my meals for the week, creating 1/2 cups of healthy, Protein rich foods. Then I will do what I said I would NEVER do -- track it all in My Fitness Pal. Again, don't let these things overwhelm you - I never thought I would be able to do this. My fear was: If I were able to diet and exercise, I wouldn't be in this predicament in the first place. Surgery DOES help with it. I hope you will reach some peace with your decision, whatever it is. Only you know what is best for you. That said, given you have insurance approval, I'd think long and hard about it (I had to self-pay...with insurance coverage would have been much more incentive for me).

One more thing I will add: I am in AA. I don't bother myself too much with the question of whether I am a "real" alcoholic. I have a desire not to drink, which is all that is required for membership. The 12-step program has helped me SO much with all of my addictive behaviors (I quit smoking for surgery). Like you, I can get addicted to pretty much anything. And after surgery, you aren't going to be able to drink for a long while and, when you can again, it will be in limited amounts. AA has been a real life saver for me. If you don't go with AA, you could also consider OA, which is another version of the 12 steps. Each of these programs costs 1 per day - much cheaper than one-on-

Good luck to you!!!

-Angela[/quote']

God I hate calling people out but my OCD tends to go into overdrive and I will obsess about this all day (better than popcorn though ) at a month out you will have a much different perspective than someone that's say a year out?

Yes?

Right now you are healing still and are not able to eat a lot... It gets harder! Or easier... to binge the further you get out, that's why it's important to not rely solely on the sleeve.

[4theluvof 11]

Thanks for the replies-I really appreciate it!

I guess my biggest fear is the loss of my best buddy -food. I get temporary highs from food but when I look at the results of focusing on food it really pisses me off. I know I need to change for better health and quality of life-just not easy.

[buplee 556]

I agree with Laura and Indigo, finding and seeing a good therapist can help you deal with you food addiction. Having an addictive personality is a hard issue to handle. You don't want to trade your food addiction for another destructive behavior and a therapist can help you. You're strong as a cancer survivor who has been through surgery and can do this.

I'm not a cancer survivor but someone who has undergone 7 surgeries in 6 years including the sleeve, and will be undergoing my second neurosurgery in a year in the coming weeks. So, I know how you feel, as someone who has survived a life threatening infection. Sure, you're afraid and freaking out as many of us are (were), but we made it or will make it through and so can you. Let the therapist help you resolve your issues with food, and not let you mind keep you from saving your life. Good luck to you, and remember we're here to support you.

[No game 14,436]

Yes you will find support here! I recieve therapy, but I find being open to telling someone, like my husband or my friends here helps when I'm obsessing about food.

[vsginkc 117]

Laura, I am the one who ate 1.5 cups of pumpkin a week ago and was scared. I'm not sure why you would obsess about my post and/or need to "call me out." Trust me, I don't need a "call out." I'm struggling and scared as I said clearly in my post and as I've shared very candidly on this board.

As I said in my post, I am only 4 weeks out. There is no doubt in my mind that someone a year out will have better advice and more experience than I could possibly have at four weeks -- so the answer to your question is "Yes, I will have a much different perspective than someone that's say a year out?" Again, was just trying to share my limited, four week experience in hopes that it might help someone out. And, FWIW, I've been in therapy (for 9 years and ongoing) and 12 step meetings (5 years). I am very well aware of my food addiction issues and binge eating issues. I'm working on it the best I can by reaching out for help on this board, reaching out to others to share my experience, and continuing therapy to work through my issues.

All of that said, I am not sorry I had this surgery. As I was trying to communicate in my post, the surgery has helped me quite a bit already - I'm measuring my food, planning my food, and tracking my food. I never thought I would be able to do that before surgery. Am I doing it all perfectly? No way! My food issues certainly did not correct overnight nor do I expect this surgery to fix any of them.

My apologies to anyone who misread or misunderstood my post. I truly was trying to say straight out: (1) I am 4 weeks out; (2) I was scared before surgery like the OP; (3) The first few weeks were easy to stay on plan because I didn't feel good; (4) Since I've started feeling better, I've struggled with my binge eating; and (4) despite my struggles, the surgery has helped me in terms of planning, measuring, and tracking my meals.

Best to all,

Angela

[Madam Reverie 2,958]

All I can say is Babe, you've dealt with Cancer. The rest of this is just sweating the small ****.

Be amazed at yourself for how far you've come. So what, you had a wobble?! I had a wobble! I was supposed to go in on the 2nd Sept, but had too much going on in my life and in my head, that I rolled it till the 19th Sept.

Yup, I'm 3 days out. I'm alive, I'm well - yes, I'm a bit sore - but I am very optimistic. This WILL change my life. And, if there are hurdles (which I'm sure there will be), then I'll cross those bridges when I come to them.

I know you say you have an addictive personality - but I think most of us food-lovers have a food addiction at some level. I hope to swap one shower of crap traits for a load of healthier and happier ones. Like, for example, wracking up extensive debt for all the designer clothing I shall be buying! Huzzah! (Only kidding - to a degree ). If you need more time, take more time. If you need to talk to someone - talk to someone. If you want to bounce ideas in this forum - we're all here and every viewpoint is valid.

However, it is important to note that no matter what is said - the decision ultimately lies with you. As it stands, I think you're amazing on many levels. Surviving cancer so courageously and baring your soul so openly and honestly on here being two of them. You're a survivor. Take a deep breath, weigh up the pros and cons like you had to do before, make your decision and be comfortable with it. Whatever you choose, we'll all be here rooting for you. xx

[No game 14,436]

Laura, I am the one who ate 1.5 cups of pumpkin a week ago and was scared. I'm not sure why you would obsess about my post and/or need to "call me out." Trust me, I don't need a "call out." I'm struggling and scared as I said clearly in my post and as I've shared very candidly on this board.

As I said in my post, I am only 4 weeks out. There is no doubt in my mind that someone a year out will have better advice and more experience than I could possibly have at four weeks -- so the answer to your question is "Yes, I will have a much different perspective than someone that's say a year out?" Again, was just trying to share my limited, four week experience in hopes that it might help someone out. And, FWIW, I've been in therapy (for 9 years and ongoing) and 12 step meetings (5 years). I am very well aware of my food addiction issues and binge eating issues. I'm working on it the best I can by reaching out for help on this board, reaching out to others to share my experience, and continuing therapy to work through my issues.

All of that said, I am not sorry I had this surgery. As I was trying to communicate in my post, the surgery has helped me quite a bit already - I'm measuring my food, planning my food, and tracking my food. I never thought I would be able to do that before surgery. Am I doing it all perfectly? No way! My food issues certainly did not correct overnight nor do I expect this surgery to fix any of them.

My apologies to anyone who misread or misunderstood my post. I truly was trying to say straight out: (1) I am 4 weeks out; (2) I was scared before surgery like the OP; (3) The first few weeks were easy to stay on plan because I didn't feel good; (4) Since I've started feeling better, I've struggled with my binge eating; and (4) despite my struggles, the surgery has helped me in terms of planning, measuring, and tracking my meals.

Best to all,

Angela

My apologies to your Angela.

I did not mean to offend.

Laura.

[NtvTxn 1,262]

Laura, I am the one who ate 1.5 cups of pumpkin a week ago and was scared. I'm not sure why you would obsess about my post and/or need to "call me out." Trust me, I don't need a "call out." I'm struggling and scared as I said clearly in my post and as I've shared very candidly on this board.

As I said in my post, I am only 4 weeks out. There is no doubt in my mind that someone a year out will have better advice and more experience than I could possibly have at four weeks -- so the answer to your question is "Yes, I will have a much different perspective than someone that's say a year out?" Again, was just trying to share my limited, four week experience in hopes that it might help someone out. And, FWIW, I've been in therapy (for 9 years and ongoing) and 12 step meetings (5 years). I am very well aware of my food addiction issues and binge eating issues. I'm working on it the best I can by reaching out for help on this board, reaching out to others to share my experience, and continuing therapy to work through my issues.

All of that said, I am not sorry I had this surgery. As I was trying to communicate in my post, the surgery has helped me quite a bit already - I'm measuring my food, planning my food, and tracking my food. I never thought I would be able to do that before surgery. Am I doing it all perfectly? No way! My food issues certainly did not correct overnight nor do I expect this surgery to fix any of them.

My apologies to anyone who misread or misunderstood my post. I truly was trying to say straight out: (1) I am 4 weeks out; (2) I was scared before surgery like the OP; (3) The first few weeks were easy to stay on plan because I didn't feel good; (4) Since I've started feeling better, I've struggled with my binge eating; and (4) despite my struggles, the surgery has helped me in terms of planning, measuring, and tracking my meals.

Best to all,

Angela

Angela, I totally understood what you were trying to communicate. We all have different stories and we are all in different places on this wild ride we've chosen to board.

At over three years out, it is still hard for ME to analyze this. I've been maintaining for over 2.5 years, and I'm still learning new things. I know of a great PhD doctor that does the psychological evaluations at a hospital in my area. If I could find a reason, I'd go see him one on one. He heads up one of the support groups I attend and he is very wise.

My thoughts and advice are this - the doctor does his job, he removes approx. 85% of our tummy. After that, it's all up to us, there is no end date. What this surgery DOES do for us is make it much easier to make wiser decisions, and resist when we need or want to. For the first time in my life, I don't feel guilt when I eat something sweet. I feel like I eat like a naturally thin person. Nothing other than carbonation, is off limits. There are things I choose not to eat or not to eat often, but it is my choice. This is not a diet, it is a new way of life. To the OP - this is scary and exciting, it's life altering and it's the wisest decision I've ever made. I had no health issues, none, zero.....this is preventive maintenance. My knees feel better and I have more energy. Forced Portion Control is what I needed.

Shopping for ME is fun for the first time in my life. It's fun not being or feeling like the 'biggest girl in the room'. This is totally, 100% your decision, nobody can or should drag you to the OR!!! You need to be on board and ready to make lifestyle changes, changes that you can live with forever.

Good luck to you.......you'll take the plunge when you're ready and join us on the loser's bench. It's a nice view!!

** Angela, kudos to you!!! You are doing great. I STILL log my food on line, I still weigh and/or measure my food and I weigh myself every morning. It's my new life, it's not an effort, it's like breathing to me!!! **

[4theluvof 11]

Wow! This forum is fantastic! Like I said before I wasn't telling ANYONE about this surgery. Now I know from being on here it is exactly what I needed. I really appreciate the advice and personal experiences-extremely helpful.. I do have a pretty extensive health history and when I weigh the pros and cons of doing this surgery, the list of pros is endless. It sure is a fact that the mind is a powerful tool. This decision was easier to digest the further out I was from my surgery date. I guess a lot of fear goes into the permanency of the surgery and the what if's....

I always compared things I have done in my life to my cancer and the treatments I went through for it. So every time I ask myself "is it worse or will be worse than that time of my life" or I woujd say "doesn't hurt as much as chemo". When I do that for this decision it seems like a no brainer.. One thing I was concerned about was getting all the nutrients I need due to depleting some being in this medical menopause. My doctor said that us a common concern with cancer patients who consider this surgery but like I mentioned before, fat produces estrogen so that definitely is on my mind.

Hey folks -this forum really helps with getting things out there, listening to others and trying to hammer it out from there.

From the bottom of my heart-THANK YOU!!!