I'm posting this in The powder Room - but men are more than welcome to read/comment.

First of all - I'm 10.5 wks out from surgery. Total of 86lbs down, 44lbs down since surgery. Still have about 180lbs to go...

OK, so I met a man. I haven't dated in forever. FOREVER. Too self-conscious. But I started to feel pretty cute lately since I'm fitting in smaller clothes and getting compliments, so I rejoined POF and met a guy. We've had a few dates. I like him. A lot. I haven't told him about surgery, but I have told him about becoming more active and losing weight. He's actually doing the same, he says he wants to lose about 50 more lbs... don't know what he started at, and don't know if he's had surgery (I mean, maybe he did, it's not like I want to tell him about surgery, either...)

Problem is, I'm terrified to get naked in front of anyone. While I'm feeling flirty and cute and confident when wearing a good bra and jeans that make my @ss look great, I really don't like what's going on under the clothes. I'm all lumpy, my scars are still bright pink/red (against my super pale complexion it's quite noticeable) and everything's saggin. Now I have a tendency to be a little harder on myself than I need to be, so I'll say my knees down/ chest up area is looking nice - but the belly and upper thigh area is a fright.

How do I overcome this self-image and allow myself to be naked in front of this man? I can tell from our make out sessions that he's quite patient, so I know he's gonna be the type to take his time exploring the entire land that is "Moi". Part of me is really (really, really, really) looking forward to that, but at least 25% of me is dreading it so much that my skin crawls just thinking about it. I am horribly, completely and totally insecure when it comes to my body - it's just not cute. :\

Does anyone have any wise wisdom to share or a good slap in the face that might help me get through this? I don't think sharing my insecurities with him is really a good idea, I don't want to scare him off because I like him...

Just warn him if he is a real man he wont care

Just warn him if he is a real man he wont care

Not everyone is on here because they didn't like the package they were offering. I loved my curves but I didn't like huffing and puffing climbing up two flights of stairs. I didn't like binging and purging and being depressed because I didn't feel like I could change that. However I always loved my corsets and how I looked etc. I never wanted for attention or guys.

I think your statement should really be:

"I am having trouble loving my body, if you love me, you will love it for me" Isn't that what a partner does? Fills in the holes where you can't?

Just my two cents

I couldn't have said it better!

Please don't be offended by what I am about to say.....if you still have 180 lbs to lose then this mans main attraction to you is not your body.

I must take issue with one of your statements about his main attraction is not her body!

I'm sure he likes her mind but if he likes her why wouldn't he like the whole package???

I actually see both of your points. I mean, obviously I'm still big, but like I said, in clothes, I'm looking GOOD for a "big girl". I KNOW he's attracted.

Just warn him if he is a real man he wont care

I've been thinking about it and I think this is a good test of how serious this guy is. I just never really tested guys before, so I feel like it will be more awkward if I continue to wait to tell him. Now I'm looking forward to it, to see his reaction. I want this guy to be the guy, and this is actually a way to find out if he is who I think he is...

WISH ME LUCK! date night tomorrow...

I think it is somewhat hypocritical of us to expect someone else to like 'the whole package' when everyone on this site are here because they didn't like the package they were offering. How can we sit back and say "I hate my body, but if you love me you have to love my body". Seems a bit much to expect.

I actually disagree with this. I had surgery not to change my body (or shape for that matter) but to ward-off any potential health problems that were bound to crop up once I got older if I stayed obese. Actually I'm tall (pushing 6 feet) and even with the weight, men (gorgeous ones at that) approach me almost daily.

I'm super curvy with a thin waist for my overall size (same shape when I was half this size). Based on my experience, it is possible that he approached her because he was VERY attracted to her now. Some men like a woman with more weight.

My first thought was the other way around...what if he does not like how thin she becomes. As she is losing weight and with WLS most lose a ton of weight. What if he prefers that she be bigger?

That's my only reason for thinking that she (once more comfortable with him) tells him about her WLS.

I actually see both of your points. I mean, obviously I'm still big, but like I said, in clothes, I'm looking GOOD for a "big girl". I KNOW he's attracted.

I've been thinking about it and I think this is a good test of how serious this guy is. I just never really tested guys before, so I feel like it will be more awkward if I continue to wait to tell him. Now I'm looking forward to it, to see his reaction. I want this guy to be the guy, and this is actually a way to find out if he is who I think he is...

WISH ME LUCK! date night tomorrow...

Good luck

I know exactly how you're feeling. I met my husband 10 years ago after I had lost 115 pounds on the Atkins Diet. (I gained about 75% back slowly over 10 years, b/c that diet is very difficult to keep on forever!) But I was extremely nervous about my droopy chest at the age of 26 and loose skin, etc.

He did not care one bit. He was very, very sweet and encouraging to me about it and reassured me that I was very attractive.

If your new guy gets scared off, it's not meant to be.

There are plenty of men who like bigger women. My year living in the UK was the most productive in my life in that department ... .

IMO if you did this surgery to get more attention from men you did it for the wrong reason. SMH.

OP - as others have said, those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter. I'm willing to bet if he's battling the bulge he will be understanding.

Makemyownluck, have a fantastic time on your date. Enjoy it and savour every moment, great feeling when a new relationship may be starting - then report back here with ALL the details, lol!

I am off on a second date at the weekend and we are doing lunch. So I may have to say something cos at 3 months out he's going to notice my small portion. But I will take it as it comes, just looking forward to seeing this lovely man. After 30 years plus with ex, this really is all new along with new bid, lol!

Good luck!

Bod not bid ha ha!!!!

https://m.xojane.com/relationships/i-learned-that-some-men-will-never-date-me-because-of-my-body-and-im-okay-with-that

This article made me happy I'm married... I was THIN when I met my husband, I gained all this weight when I was with my husband, and I plan on losing every single pound....

With my husband! SMDH men can be annoying.

IMO if you did this surgery to get more attention from men you did it for the wrong reason. SMH.

There are a million reasons to have this surgery, and none of them are wrong. In this life, our only destiny is to find our happiness and I wasn't finding it at 459lbs. I wasn't truly and completely happy with anything. So yes, I had this surgery to change my life. I had this to improve my health, my mood, my complexion, my wardrobe, my attitude, my love life, my E V E R Y T H I N G. It wasn't one reason. It was a million. And one of them WAS to get the attention of a good man so I can have the life I want. Period. I will never feel guilty for what I want and how I'm gonna try to get it - not ever - because I know I'm a good person with good intentions who deserves good things.

Regardless of the reasons, we're all in the exact same boat here. We've GOT to stop shaming people on this site because that's NOT what we're here for! (at least I'm not)

Makemyownluck, have a fantastic time on your date. Enjoy it and savour every moment, great feeling when a new relationship may be starting - then report back here with ALL the details, lol!

I hope you have a fantastic time on your date too, and good luck! My date was good! We went out to eat and I had the perfect opportunity to tell him about surgery, but I lost my nerve. I do still really like this guy, but I decided that for me - I need to slow down. Just in general. I want to like this guy for who he is, not for the idea of what I think he could be. I don't know him well enough to know if I can tell him my secrets... but I do wanna stick around and find out if he's worth sharing with!

PM if you want. We can gossip about our dates.

There are a million reasons to have this surgery, and none of them are wrong. In this life, our only destiny is to find our happiness and I wasn't finding it at 459lbs. I wasn't truly and completely happy with anything. So yes, I had this surgery to change my life. I had this to improve my health, my mood, my complexion, my wardrobe, my attitude, my love life, my E V E R Y T H I N G. It wasn't one reason. It was a million. And one of them WAS to get the attention of a good man so I can have the life I want. Period. I will never feel guilty for what I want and how I'm gonna try to get it - not ever - because I know I'm a good person with good intentions who deserves good things.

Regardless of the reasons, we're all in the exact same boat here. We've GOT to stop shaming people on this site because that's NOT what we're here for! (at least I'm not)

My apologies for the poor word choices on my part. I meant to say if getting attention from men is the reason, that it was the guiding factor in one's decision, then the hypothetical person ought to do some real reflection. Sometimes the thought does't reach the keyboard for me . Here's a hard truth: relationships come and go and one should never peg their happiness to being in one. I did that for many years and it left me hollow, depressed and dissatisfied. Thin people can also have a hard time getting dates. One of my best friends is thin as a rail, blonde and blue eyed. Typical cheerleader looks. She is also funny and smart - has a PhD in the basic sciences. I think she's an amazing catch but the eligible men of New York seem to disagree. She doesn't let her occasional bouts of loneliness and perpetual singlehood interfere with getting the most out of life and having fun with her family and friends.

In any case, sounds like you did this surgery to change your life completely and I can't think of a better reason. You've done an amazing job thus far and have so much to be proud of and I know you'll find people who are supportive and understanding. They can't argue with the results. All the best.

Makemyownluck, the most important thing u said is "I want to like this guy for who he is, not the idea of what I think he could be".

Not rushing at this is exactly right - getting to know him and deciding if he's worthy of ur trust is so important. It is easy to give ourselves away, not just physically but emotionally, especially when we don't feel good about ourselves. i know that's how i have behaved in the past when I didnt feel good about me. But in saying what u did, I think u show the power of the changes that have happened in ur life since ur sleeve. I know that my confidence is returning and I hadn't even appreciated how low it had got! But I know I won't be giving myself away any more, a potential partner will have to earn my trust and all that goes with it ????

U have got things the right way round - tell him when it feels right anout the sleeve but only once u are sure about him.

Will PM post date, has been a very long time since I had dates to gossip about lol.... ????

My apologies for the poor word choices on my part. I meant to say if getting attention from men is the reason, that it was the guiding factor in one's decision, then the hypothetical person ought to do some real reflection. Sometimes the thought does't reach the keyboard for me . Here's a hard truth: relationships come and go and one should never peg their happiness to being in one. I did that for many years and it left me hollow, depressed and dissatisfied. Thin people can also have a hard time getting dates. One of my best friends is thin as a rail, blonde and blue eyed. Typical cheerleader looks. She is also funny and smart - has a PhD in the basic sciences. I think she's an amazing catch but the eligible men of New York seem to disagree. She doesn't let her occasional bouts of loneliness and perpetual singlehood interfere with getting the most out of life and having fun with her family and friends.

In any case, sounds like you did this surgery to change your life completely and I can't think of a better reason. You've done an amazing job thus far and have so much to be proud of and I know you'll find people who are supportive and understanding. They can't argue with the results. All the best.

I hear you, honey. I do. And I apologize if I snapped as well, but we all have insecurities on here, right? I understand the intentions of your original post now that I re-read it. Agree that if the only reason you do ANYTHING is for a man, it's a bad reason to do it! Especially something like surgery!

But that said, this surgery is life changing in just about every possible way. Including the love life!

Happiness, for me, is attainable even if I stay single forever. I can't deny, tho, that there is a definite part of me that wants to be in a relationship, possibly married, if and when I find the right man to do it with. Here's to hoping I find him and that he loves every part of me, including my scars, stretch marks and skinnnnn. Cuz included with my flaws is a good hearted person with a Beeeeyooootiful face to kiss.

Makemyownluck, the most important thing u said is "I want to like this guy for who he is, not the idea of what I think he could be".

Not rushing at this is exactly right - getting to know him and deciding if he's worthy of ur trust is so important. It is easy to give ourselves away, not just physically but emotionally, especially when we don't feel good about ourselves. i know that's how i have behaved in the past when I didnt feel good about me. But in saying what u did, I think u show the power of the changes that have happened in ur life since ur sleeve. I know that my confidence is returning and I hadn't even appreciated how low it had got! But I know I won't be giving myself away any more, a potential partner will have to earn my trust and all that goes with it

U have got things the right way round - tell him when it feels right anout the sleeve but only once u are sure about him.

Will PM post date, has been a very long time since I had dates to gossip about lol....

PLEASE do! Can't wait to hear! Good luck!!!

Maybe being afraid to SHOW ( your post-op body) and TELL him about this surgery is giving you some information about where your relationship is. Trust. Love. Knowledge. They gotta be in place before intimacy, or you're walking into a lot of emotional vulnerability your relationship with him isn't ready for. And, for what it's worth, if this guy feels free to leave you because you're "too big" then honey, you gotta be ready to leave because he's "too small"!!! Just saying....