Jump to content
×
Are you looking for the BariatricPal Store? Go now!

dating and body issues...



Recommended Posts

I'm posting this in The powder Room - but men are more than welcome to read/comment.

First of all - I'm 10.5 wks out from surgery. Total of 86lbs down, 44lbs down since surgery. Still have about 180lbs to go...

OK, so I met a man. I haven't dated in forever. FOREVER. Too self-conscious. But I started to feel pretty cute lately since I'm fitting in smaller clothes and getting compliments, so I rejoined POF and met a guy. We've had a few dates. I like him. A lot. I haven't told him about surgery, but I have told him about becoming more active and losing weight. He's actually doing the same, he says he wants to lose about 50 more lbs... don't know what he started at, and don't know if he's had surgery (I mean, maybe he did, it's not like I want to tell him about surgery, either...)

Problem is, I'm terrified to get naked in front of anyone. While I'm feeling flirty and cute and confident when wearing a good bra and jeans that make my @ss look great, I really don't like what's going on under the clothes. I'm all lumpy, my scars are still bright pink/red (against my super pale complexion it's quite noticeable) and everything's saggin. Now I have a tendency to be a little harder on myself than I need to be, so I'll say my knees down/ chest up area is looking nice - but the belly and upper thigh area is a fright.

How do I overcome this self-image and allow myself to be naked in front of this man? I can tell from our make out sessions that he's quite patient, so I know he's gonna be the type to take his time exploring the entire land that is "Moi". Part of me is really (really, really, really) looking forward to that, but at least 25% of me is dreading it so much that my skin crawls just thinking about it. I am horribly, completely and totally insecure when it comes to my body - it's just not cute. :\

Does anyone have any wise wisdom to share or a good slap in the face that might help me get through this? I don't think sharing my insecurities with him is really a good idea, I don't want to scare him off because I like him...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The only opinion I have is that you may want to tell him about the surgery. He may be inquisitive if he sees your scars and if you take it to that level he may be upset if he sees the scars and you hid it from him. Just my humble opinion ;)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Baby steps. Take more time to get to know him. Watch & listen to his comments about how folks look. If he should make a comment about someone else's body image, use that as an opportunity to open a dialogue & feel him out.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Fantastic job on the weight loss, keep up the good work!

Congrats on meeting a man, happy to hear the good news.

Tell him that you are conscious of your skin until it catches up to your weight loss. You don't have to go into more detail.

Keep the lights low/off and some clothes on if you're in intimate town. Once he's felt around he'll have to know about the sagging skin and he's either going to be okay or not about it. If he can't deal with it, not your fault. Bring up surgery soon but casually at dinner one night and see what he things about it.

You probably already realize this, but you need to overcome the self-image issues for your sake, not his. Even if a guy rejects you, you have to be able to carry on. The right guy for you will accept you for who you are, faults and all.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Definitely tell him about the surgery before any nekkie times. To help with any body image nerves, have a glass of wine (or two). :D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Bottom line is if he likes you none of that will matter. If it scares him off well it's better now than when you've developed strong feelings for him later. You're doing amazing! Congrats on your continued success!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've dated a couple girls with WLS. They told me on the first date, it's no biggie.

If the guy is only concerned about your body, he's a crappy catch anyhow.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I so dread telling him about surgery. I realize that I need to know sooner or later if this is a deal breaker for him, but I like him and don't want this to make him run away! :(

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I so dread telling him about surgery. I realize that I need to know sooner or later if this is a deal breaker for him' date=' but I like him and don't want this to make him run away! :([/quote']

Please don't be offended by what I am about to say.....if you still have 180 lbs to lose then this mans main attraction to you is not your body. Whether you tell him about your surgery or not is your personal decision. With so much weight already lost and more to lose, it's obvious that you will likely have loose skin.

At the end of the day doesn't he just need to know that you are losing weight and dealing with the issues that come with that.

You are doing a great job, just enjoy the new experiences coming along.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I so dread telling him about surgery. I realize that I need to know sooner or later if this is a deal breaker for him' date=' but I like him and don't want this to make him run away! :([/quote']

Hey there and congrats on ur wl!! You def deserve to treat urself and feel loved by som1 special. But, u shud first love what u c, love what uv accomplished by making a sound investment in ur future. Ik uve not dated in a while, nd its exciting, esp in ur New hot bod. But plz do urself a favor and slo down. We know u really like him, does he feel the same? Like don said, take ur time. Imho, I think if you wud spend some time getting to really know each other, ull know if u can or shud tell him. I mean, what if u do tell him now nd he leaves, will u be able to mentally nd physically handle that? What if u give him that special part of u wo telling him nd he leaves? Not being a Debbie downer, but I wud get to know him a little better b4 getting that intimate, esp if ur not going to tell him. And if once u feel comfy in sharing that info w him nd he stays, Yippie. But if he goes afterwards, then Yippie bc at least ull not have given so much to him intamately. Look at it like this, if ur comfy enuff to share the goods, then b comfy enuff to share ur good success w wls, stop worrying about losing him. You are worth more than that:) I hope it works out for u but if not, there are more chances to catch better fish w ur new bait (hotbod nd personality) :) ps its ultimately up to u, just my 2 cents.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Please don't be offended by what I am about to say.....if you still have 180 lbs to lose then this mans main attraction to you is not your body. Whether you tell him about your surgery or not is your personal decision. With so much weight already lost and more to lose' date=' it's obvious that you will likely have loose skin.

At the end of the day doesn't he just need to know that you are losing weight and dealing with the issues that come with that.

You are doing a great job, just enjoy the new experiences coming along.[/quote']

I must take issue with one of your statements about his main attraction is not her body!

I'm sure he likes her mind but if he likes her why wouldn't he like the whole package???

On that note be honest makeyourluck about your changing self and don't rush into anything when the time is right those worries you have will be the last thing on your mind :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree with everyone else. Although I'm dealing with the same issues about my body and towards myself - I've also opted to not put myself out there yet so coming from me - you've already won half the battle! You've most yourself out there and met someone, that's the first step & truly that's commendable.

In my opinion, if he is worth any of your time and intimacy - he will listen to what you have to say and be considerate of your insecurities. Everyone has them. You should be open about the surgery with him for you, not for him and him alone. But, this is obviously stressing you and not being open with him about it may inhibit the relationship from growing. I also think it is better for him to know now before you really invest serious feelings in the relationship. If he really likes you as well, he will see you for what you are, not your insecurities!

Good luck & congratulations on the weight loss! That's fabulous!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I must take issue with one of your statements about his main attraction is not her body!

I'm sure he likes her mind but if he likes her why wouldn't he like the whole package???

On that note be honest makeyourluck about your changing self and don't rush into anything when the time is right those worries you have will be the last thing on your mind :)

I think it is somewhat hypocritical of us to expect someone else to like 'the whole package' when everyone on this site are here because they didn't like the package they were offering. How can we sit back and say "I hate my body, but if you love me you have to love my body". Seems a bit much to expect.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think it is somewhat hypocritical of us to expect someone else to like 'the whole package' when everyone on this site are here because they didn't like the package they were offering. How can we sit back and say "I hate my body, but if you love me you have to love my body". Seems a bit much to expect.

Not everyone is on here because they didn't like the package they were offering. I loved my curves but I didn't like huffing and puffing climbing up two flights of stairs. I didn't like binging and purging and being depressed because I didn't feel like I could change that. However I always loved my corsets and how I looked etc. I never wanted for attention or guys.

I think your statement should really be:

"I am having trouble loving my body, if you love me, you will love it for me" Isn't that what a partner does? Fills in the holes where you can't?

Just my two cents

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My husband's initial attraction to me was my body at close to 300 pounds. He likes big women. Now he loves me no matter what! But there are a lot of men who are attracted to big women just like there are those attracted to skinny women.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recent Topics

  • Most popular:

  • Recent Status Updates

    • allwet

      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
    • The 56 Bypass

      This video is an excerpt from the same, larger video. In this video, I pull out only the Food Addiction portion. Its such an important revelation for me and it may help someone else, thus I think it warrants its own video. 🙂
       
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=esuavdnSHEQ
      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
    • The 56 Bypass

      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
    • TraviMac

      Just getting on to find a great support community. My surgery date is fast approaching!
      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
    • allwet

      this one is a bit of a slog to get thru but it is important to see the differences they are trying to define.
      https://www.cambridge.org/core/services/aop-cambridge-core/content/view/2A9776922A28F8F757BDA32C3266AC2A/S1368980017000234a.pdf/un_decade_of_nutrition_the_nova_food_classification_and_the_trouble_with_ultraprocessing.pdf
      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
  • Trending Topics

  • Together, we have lost...
      lbs
    ×