I've only told a select few close friends and family that I had my surgery. There are plenty other friends and family who I have not felt comfortable telling. I may find myself able to tell them someday, or I may not. Some of these friends I consider close friends.

Tonight it struck me .... exactly WHY haven't I told some people?

-- If I had an emergency appendectomy, surely I wouldn't feel embarrassed or vulnerable telling people.

-- If I had an elective surgery like hernia repair, I don't think I'd have a problem telling people about it.

-- If I had my tonsils out, or my son had ear tubes, I would have no problem revealing it.

-- If I had knee replacement surgery ...

-- If I had laser vision correction ...

Are you seeing the pattern here? So I asked myself, why do I feel uncomfortable or vulnerable about telling all my friends and family?

And as of yet ... I don't really know the answer. I'd sure like to know the answer. I have some suspicions, but I'm not certain.

-- Maybe I've bought into some social stigma?

-- Maybe I fear changed attitudes toward me?

-- Maybe I worry about having to defend my choice?

Then again ... these people are friends. Anyone who would criticize me for my choice, isn't someone I'd call a friend in the first place. I listed my friends to myself mentally, I can't think of any of them who would do that.

So I still ask myself ...Why haven't I told some people?

Now I ask you ... why haven't YOU told people?

The white lie is out there ... how do I correct it? That may take more courage than just outright telling them in the first place.

I just had to do this on Tuesday. I told my coworkers back in August that I "may have to have surgery" (so they could cover my shifts' date=' if I actually went through with this). They obviously asked why, & I said that I have issues with my stomach/guts & may have to have a portion of my stomach organ removed...& left it at that. But after my psych Eval it finally seemed real. So I said "OK...I feel awful but I've sorta been lying to you guys about my surgery..." and fessed up. & they were SUPER supporttive! Way more so than I ever expected.

347*294/285/135 (*347HW/294SSW)

I think it comes down to how you can handle negativity. I'm totally embarrassed that I let it get this far. And I have a lousy support system. 8 years ago I had lost 90lbs doing Optifast. The entire time I was doing the diet family and friends kept telling me I was going to put the weight back on. Ugh, I got sick of it. When I started eating food people would make comments on every bite I put in my mouth. It got to the point that I would only eat by myself. If I put a few pounds on it was pointed out to me. This is family and friends, people who should be a support system. I was so self conscious. I even started running, 25 miles a week, slimmed down even more. Still bombarded by negativity. I kept it off for 3 years. I only put the weight on when a serious of really bad things happened. In a 2 year period my father died, we built our dream home only to have to abandon the house because of construction defects. We lost $300,000. The company I worked for laid off my team leaving me to start working 70 hours a week. I eventually quit because I couldn't handle the pressure. Had to take a 20% pay cut. Had to move to another state for new job, and it was a total disaster. (My new boss was a nightmare.) We were sued by the HOA where our abandoned home was. Not to mention what the bank was doing to us. Even though they did confirm that the house was not safe to live in. Had to hire 3 different lawyers to get out of the mess. My husband checked out and left me to deal with everything. He quit his job and just gave up. Had to empty out my 401k to keep a roof over my family's head. Then bankruptcy. So yes I gained the 90lbs back with a few to spare. And my wonderful friends and family proudly said "See told you, you put the weight back on!".

The good news is that life has gotten better. New job, finally making back the money I lost. My nightmare job had setup a special account (not 401k) and it was cashed out when I quit. Much to my surprise it will cover the cost of surgery (after taxes). So yes, I am going to do this for myself. I am paying cash and I really did not care what my husband has to say. I am doing this for myself. And I'm not going to share this with my family or friends. I just don't need to hear it. Maybe someday I can share with them........we'll see. So do what feels right to you. You can always tell them, you just can't un-tell them. Take care.

I think it comes down to how you can handle negativity. I'm totally embarrassed that I let it get this far. And I have a lousy support system. 8 years ago I had lost 90lbs doing Optifast. The entire time I was doing the diet family and friends kept telling me I was going to put the weight back on. Ugh' date=' I got sick of it. When I started eating food people would make comments on every bite I put in my mouth. It got to the point that I would only eat by myself. If I put a few pounds on it was pointed out to me. This is family and friends, people who should be a support system. I was so self conscious. I even started running, 25 miles a week, slimmed down even more. Still bombarded by negativity. I kept it off for 3 years. I only put the weight on when a serious of really bad things happened. In a 2 year period my father died, we built our dream home only to have to abandon the house because of construction defects. We lost 300,000. The company I worked for laid off my team leaving me to start working 70 hours a week. I eventually quit because I couldn't handle the pressure. Had to take a 20% pay cut. Had to move to another state for new job, and it was a total disaster. (My new boss was a nightmare.) We were sued by the HOA where our abandoned home was. Not to mention what the bank was doing to us. Even though they did confirm that the house was not safe to live in. Had to hire 3 different lawyers to get out of the mess. My husband checked out and left me to deal with everything. He quit his job and just gave up. Had to empty out my 401k to keep a roof over my family's head. Then bankruptcy. So yes I gained the 90lbs back with a few to spare. And my wonderful friends and family proudly said "See told you, you put the weight back on!".

The good news is that life has gotten better. New job, finally making back the money I lost. My nightmare job had setup a special account (not 401k) and it was cashed out when I quit. Much to my surprise it will cover the cost of surgery (after taxes). So yes, I am going to do this for myself. I am paying cash and I really did not care what my husband has to say. I am doing this for myself. And I'm not going to share this with my family or friends. I just don't need to hear it. Maybe someday I can share with them........we'll see. So do what feels right to you. You can always tell them, you just can't un-tell them. Take care.[/quote']

I think you need a new circle of friends.

I think you need a new circle of friends.

I agree.

"OK...I feel awful but I've sorta been lying to you guys about my surgery..." and fessed up. & they were SUPER supporttive! Way more so than I ever expected.

Thanks mwrarr, that's just what I needed to hear. I'm going to build up the courage to do this.

I think it comes down to how you can handle negativity. I'm totally embarrassed that I let it get this far. And I have a lousy support system. 8 years ago I had lost 90lbs doing Optifast. The entire time I was doing the diet family and friends kept telling me I was going to put the weight back on. Ugh' date=' I got sick of it. When I started eating food people would make comments on every bite I put in my mouth. It got to the point that I would only eat by myself. If I put a few pounds on it was pointed out to me. This is family and friends, people who should be a support system. I was so self conscious. I even started running, 25 miles a week, slimmed down even more. Still bombarded by negativity. I kept it off for 3 years. I only put the weight on when a serious of really bad things happened. In a 2 year period my father died, we built our dream home only to have to abandon the house because of construction defects. We lost 300,000. The company I worked for laid off my team leaving me to start working 70 hours a week. I eventually quit because I couldn't handle the pressure. Had to take a 20% pay cut. Had to move to another state for new job, and it was a total disaster. (My new boss was a nightmare.) We were sued by the HOA where our abandoned home was. Not to mention what the bank was doing to us. Even though they did confirm that the house was not safe to live in. Had to hire 3 different lawyers to get out of the mess. My husband checked out and left me to deal with everything. He quit his job and just gave up. Had to empty out my 401k to keep a roof over my family's head. Then bankruptcy. So yes I gained the 90lbs back with a few to spare. And my wonderful friends and family proudly said "See told you, you put the weight back on!".

The good news is that life has gotten better. New job, finally making back the money I lost. My nightmare job had setup a special account (not 401k) and it was cashed out when I quit. Much to my surprise it will cover the cost of surgery (after taxes). So yes, I am going to do this for myself. I am paying cash and I really did not care what my husband has to say. I am doing this for myself. And I'm not going to share this with my family or friends. I just don't need to hear it. Maybe someday I can share with them........we'll see. So do what feels right to you. You can always tell them, you just can't un-tell them. Take care.[/quote']

Wow, and I thought I had it rough by working full-time, going to grad school, and being a single mom. I gained over a hundred pounds during that time. It's crazy how life's stresses can nearly tear us apart. I'm glad things are coming back together for you, and I wish you success on your sleeve journey.

" Ok everyone I'm letting you in on my secret..I made a vow not to tell anyone until after 2 months to be a surprise or to.see how my body took to it ....doubts and negative feedback is unhealthy so you wanted to wait until.u were done healing and everything.

I found this very encouraging and helpful. Thanks aliasmith.

Everyones situation is different. You need to make a decision based on yours.

Where I am it would not be smart to let people know. I have no problem with my family being told but anyone in town and especially at work needs to be kept in the dark. I live and work in the New York area and giving out too much information is bad for your career.

Great question, one I have asked myself on several occasions.... The answer for me, after some much needed self reflection, was fear. Fear of how people would react, what they would say and I needed to keep a positive outlook. After surgery, when I finally decided to start telling people, I figured, well, not much they can do about it now, done did it! I find that most of the people I've told have been very supportive. Those who aren't, really don't have a place in my life anymore.

Thanks everyone for the replies.

Now for the next question:

Now that I'm starting to wonder what's so bad about telling people ... how do I tell people whom I've not told yet? I'm talking about people who, for the last six weeks, think that I've just adopted really good eating habits (finally). The white lie is out there ... how do I correct it? That may take more courage than just outright telling them in the first place.

Yep.... courage, I need some of that too. I do know I have great friends and when I decide to tell them, they will be fine with it and totally understand my hesitancy (especially because the stigma reasons are true to me) and they will extend to me any grace that is needed. I am sure as time passes I will choose to tell most people. I am very outgoing and mostly just did not want the pressure of them knowing right now or pre-sugery.

I don't care who knows. If they don't like it or think I shouldn't have done it, that's their opinion. Doesn't bother me. The only person I didn't tell was a good friend who struggles with a lot of health issues which have made her own weight a problem and surgery is not an option for her. I just feel bad talking about that touchy subject with her. She lives in another part of the country so she doesn't need to watch my weight loss and feel left out.

I tell everyone and yes some negative however three people are doing it now and changing their lives because I told them about the sleeve and I'm only 1 month almost. I did not just do this for me I would like to be an inspiration. However we are all different;)

Stigma - you have touched on a different topic then the usual "to tell or not to tell" so I am going to be honest even though it is UGLY! ( Not asking for those of you on here to tell me my feelings are wrong and I should change them' date=' they are what they are and I am admitting up front with UGLY I know they are, but feeling have a mind of their own- they are not facts or chosen beliefs that we control)

#1 I am EMBARRASSED I felt I needed to and decided to "not do it the right way" and I am taking the "easy way out".

#2 I have judged others for years and wondered why they would have WLS and take that giant risk when they could have just changed the way they ate and exercised more.

#3 I do not feel like people understand the difference between the different types of WLS and when I say I had the sleeve even with an explanation of what it is, they just lump me in the WLS category with everyone else and I feel I am so different and made an informed decision and was unwilling for years to get the bypass because of the complications. I do not want to be considered "One of them" ( see UGLY judgement on my part once again)

#4 FEAR! So many I know who had WLS have gained it all back and I it breaks my heart and I feel so bad for them and can only imagine how difficult it must be. To have taken such a big risk and failed. I fear that will be me and if others do not know I had surgery it will just be another in my long list of diet fails - some how that I know I can handle,but a WLS fail seems bigger and I would feel much more judged/disapproval so I would rather they did not know.

#5 I have way to many friends who would be watching me, asking questions wanting explanations of why and how come and asking me to help friends and adding a lot of to-do's to my daily life -when I am taking time to establish a new healthy lifestyle and do not need the stress or burden that would bring. So if they do not know about my surgery, I do not need to be bothered to help, inform, explain or whatever would arise by their inquisitive minds

#6 I am loosing about 1 1/2-2 pounds a week which is so normal there is no need to give details. It is the easy way out by not telling them. Except for the tiny bit of guilt when they are all excited and proud of me and just can not believe my will power and ability to eat such a small portion and move on. That tiny bit of guilt ..... for now I can live with.[/quote']

Ok your comment.... People just don't understand our surgery vs others soooooo true!!!!!! So so true, I did tell bit frustrated I always have to educate to defend myself.

I'm a little guilty if over-sharing about my surgery! If people really care about me-theyre happy for me and have been praying for me (DOS 10/11/12). I too yo-yo foisted my entire adult life. Once my aunt, who was very under-weight her whole life and has since passed, said to me after losing my usual 50ish pounds on whatever diet (I think it was WW-been on them all!) "Oh Holly, you'll never be skinny! Just accept yourself!" in front of allmy cousins etc. Meanwhile I looked and was feeling great! That statement hurt more than she would ever know. Yes, of course I did gain the weight back and then some, but I feel like she planted a seed in my sub-conscious where I too lost faith in myself. I'm sleeved. I'm proud. And I will be "skinny" (trim and healthy is my goal, but that's a 'back at ya' to my Aunt Pat (rest in peace!). The truth will always set you free! Peace!

I only told a few close friends and family -- but that said, I don't tell personal information of any kind about myself, for the most part -- mostly for career reasons and a small town. I absolutely couldn't care less what people think and they can gossip behind my back all they want. What others think of me is none of my business. I just don't care to discuss it with them. And I also couldn't care less about 'taking the easy way out' -- so the eff what?? How many areas in life do we deliberately do something 'the hard way'?? Makes ZERO sense, and is anyhow based on this very judgey perspective that fat people have sinned against aesthetics (mostly fat women) and deserve to be punished and work very hard to gain back the right to be counted amongst the human beings again. Yeah, no thanks LOL. And finally, maybe talking about it is awesome and reduces stigma and all that, but it's not my responsibility to change what anyone thinks, especially if they're being judgey and negative. That's on them and I'm not fussed at all about it. They're welcome to their opinion and they're even welcome to share it with me, but I don't have to care about it and I for sure don't have to try and convince them otherwise. Which is anyhow notoriously ineffective...