I have had such a problem in the past really admitting to what has actually caused me to be fat. I have been married almost 11 years and I just told my husband this today. He had no idea. Since I was 19 years old (I'm 27 now) Whenever I'm alone, especially when I would drive to town with out kids or husband, I would binge on food. I would not throw it up, but I would just stuff my face and then hide the wrappers. Hiding the wrappers I have no idea why because my husband met me big and has never been bothered by the fact. (he has a thing for bigger women). He has never told me to not have that extra twinky or slice of pizza. If I'm happy, he's happy. But I still found myself buying two double quarter pounders with cheese, two large orders of french fries, and a large soda and downing in in 20 minutes. If I was on any kind of diet, whatever I didn't eat in front of someone, I didn't count as eating at all. (hmmmmm, wonder why I'm fat??? lol). Anyways, I'm so glad I can put this out in the open, I have never talked about it and certainly never posted it in a public forum. I just figure, if I keep it a secret, I'm obviously not trying to change it. Although, now I'm banded and doing great so far. I feel as if my life is gonna change. I know the band does not change my mental issues with food but after admitting this, I think I have decided to start seeing a counselor about that part. Thanks for listening. What a load off my chest. (about two quarter pounders and a some fries worth!)

I used to have this mini road trip I would do in the evenings after work. On this circuit that I used to drive in St Petersburg FL, I would hit four McDonalds. The first was for a quarter pounder w cheese meal. I would order another at the next one and throw out the evidence before I got to the window to pay. Then I would stop and get some apple pies. Then I would stop and get some cherry pies. I would always wash these down with a couple of diet cokes! I used to imagine the McDonalds employees calling each store saying "She's heading your way now." I would drive along the beaches and binge away listening to Jimmy Buffet. Ahhh... the memories. Needless to say, I would waddle out of the car and be sick to my stomach every night and say I wouldn't do it the next night. :biggrin1:

First off, big huge congratulations for being open and honest with yourself. What you have here, those kind of eating patterns, is less about food and more about control. There's something going on in that noggin that only a trained therapist can help you figure out. Congrats on seeing your pathway and I wish you much love and luck on the path.

With the grace of God and a good therapist, I was able to kick pretty severe bulimia, so I know a little bit about those urges that cause you to eat and eat for no real good reason.

*hugs*

When I use to work late more times then I care to recall, I would go to Jack in the Box and order 4 cheesburgers and 2 large tacos, then drive to McDonald's for an extra large order of fries and a Diet Coke. I would eat it all on my way home (10 mile drive).

But I think my lowest low was when I took a whole box of Little Debbie Swiss Rolls and ate them in the bathtub so no one would see me. I felt very very bad after I did that.

You know now that you are not alone. When I was alone, I would stuff my face as fast as I could, as if it was over fast it didn't really happen. In the grocery store, I would also buy an ice cream goodie, or a candy bar and eat it in the car before going home so no one would know. Hard stuff to admit, but for us, maybe the start of healing?

Are you my twin? I would do the same thing plus I would sneak food at night when everyone was asleep. I am so grateful that the band has helped me stop that behavior. It's rather a miracle for me.

I too was a SNEAK eater. I can remember in my early married life, I would stop and eat a cheeseburger on the way home, with FF, so I could pretend to NOT be hungry at dinner.

Now 38 years later, I still eat my desert, like a little dish of ice cream, after DH has gone to bed, old habits just never die, or maybe it's the bit of guilt I feel, cause I surely know better, LOL.

I can honestly say, I no longer stop at the fast food places, it WILL get better for you, thanks for sharing.

I just tuned in. I am shocked to find so many people that shared my eating in the car behavior. I can't tell you how many times I stopped at the drive through ice cream place and drove around neighborhoods until I ate it all. Then I had to find a place to ditch the evidence. Before I learned how be very careful, several times I dripped chocolate on my shirt. When I got home I would have to make a dash to the bathroom, like I needed to go, so I could clean up the drips before anyone saw me.

I was definitely a closet eater. Like no one suspected a thing. I hate being out of control like that - or is it what someone earlier said - it is really that I liked the fact that no one could control me and keep me from eating whatever I wanted! Either way, self-destructive behavior.

Do I need psychoanalysis? I'm not banded yet and I'm struggling with the pre-op diet.

Oh, you are soooo not alone! Secret eaters - I share your shame!

I used to stop for food on the way home nearly every night, and eat it in the car before getting home. I'd then turn around and eat dinner, dessert, and secret late-night snacks.

For months, I'd kicked the habit - mainly by not letting myself ever feel too hungry in the afternoons. Obviously that's trouble in itself... At work I usually eat my way through the arvo - it must be boredom or frustration, because I don't do it on my non-work days.

I lapsed tonight on the way home - I was trying to get a headstart on the pre-op diet, and did well all day. However, I forgot I had a seminar to stay late for, which threw a spanner into the plans I made for dinner time, and I got too hungry (sugar-low kind of hungry). It was like a switch in my head flipped and I lost control. That physical drive to eat came back on with force. I went to Maccas' for a fillet-o-fish, fries and a diet coke, and when I was done, I said to myself "what the hell just happened here?". Then I went to get the groceries, and ended up also buying a roast chook and fattening deli-salads for dinner, this time washed down with several glasses of full-strength coke. Also bought a family block of Cadbury's for a late night snack (at least I gave DH half...). Double "what the hell just happened here???". I knew what I was doing, but couldn't stop myself from doing it anyway.

I know it's not a huge binge by some standards, but for me it was a major setback. However, I'm not going to get cut-up about it, at least now I recognise what just happened, and am trying to deal with it, whereas before I would have been in denial that it ever happened.

Now I'm feeling queasy, and am trying to figure out what sort of control issue caused this incident - rebellion from being on a diet, or an inability to deal with feelings of hunger? Or both??

I am most worried about control issues once banded - I am hoping that I can use the band as a tool to learn how to control these old habits, and not sabbotage myself. Everyone's stories of success with these control issues are inspiring, and what helped me finalise my decsion to get banded. I definitely need to plug into a good therapist as well...

Goannabanda: Reading your blog I could feel exactly what you went through! Been there, felt that way. It feels mysterious. Intellectually you know you're above all that. But that primal urge takes over and you can't help yourself. It must be what a junkie feels like. Driven until you get that fix. AAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Guess that's why I'm in this mess I'm in.

Its good to know that others have been in the same situation, makes it feel less shameful. I used to be a drive-thru junkie, one after the other after another. It had nothing to do with being hungry. Once my husband took my vehicle and pulled a BK bag out from under the drivers seat. He proceeded to pull out about a half a dozen bags I had hidden under there, from McD's, BK etc... it was sooooo embarrassing. The part I didnt tell him was that, that was only from the day before. OMG, I'm so grateful for my band.

Cloe: Your progress looks amazing! I hope I can do as well!!

That is so me - drive-thru junkie. I used to eat fast food 3-4 times a day. I still want to but now I'm down to maybe once or twice - it's such a struggle. I've done the therapy thing and OA - no good, so I'm hoping the band will help with those cravings.

Becky, thank you for being so honest, i too was 1 to hide wrappers, and i'd wake up in the middle of the night to eat cakes and sweets, omg admitting tht feels really good

It is so comforting to read everybody else's stories and know that I was not alone. I sure felt like I was. I remember waiting until my days off b/c hubby wouldn't be at home and I could have an all out gorge session all alone. I would order a large pizza and wings and then go thru the drive-thru after drive thru afterwards. I would always make sure to toss everything in a dumpster before hubby got home to try to hide the evidence. I remember how much $$ I was spending right before my band--it was very expensive. Whenever hubby and I were together I would eat what he ate but be so freakin' hungry that a couple hrs later i would sneak off to get a large f.fries from McDonlds. I feel so relieved that I am not helpless anymore to my addiction. Thank goodness for this incredible tool.

~Liz~

03/10/06

241/173/160

5'7''

Wow! You all give me so much hope. I envision myself with the band, not being able to stuff myself and growing slowly slender. I'm trying to make myself accept the fact that this should be a 2-yr program - not overnight. I'm just so frustrated with feeling so lousy about myself, and feeling that food controls me!