I am not changing my mind
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I cant believe how awesome this board is!.. Seriously! I love it more than the OH boards.. It is like a family!
I find myself tracking everyone and reading most of the blogs and may be rereading some of the posts... I should always be thankful to GOD that I found this board.
Now, after saying I am brave enough, I am doing this for myself! and I can actually do this! I am freaking out! I keep having sleeping problems, visualizing the day I will walk myself to a hospital asking for pain! yes pain! I am very sensitive! may be a coward! . I cant believe I will be able to proceed! although I know I will. I know I will wear the gown and let them do the pre op procedures but then what!! how can I give them the permission to drag me to the surgery room! and cause me pain:( I remember with the band, I woke up to a terrifying pain! I dont wanna feel that pain again.
Dont take my post as if I am changing my mind or something. I just needed to let this out and let someone else know that although I act brave infront of my family I am still panicing deep inside! I dont wish anyone who is having the surgery near to read this .. I really need words of encouragement! something to think of when I try to say no I changed my mind dont put me under anesthesia !
I am doing this knowing I might not reach my goal! and I might end up losing 50 pounds at most.. I know it will be so worth it. But I am afraid of the surgery, Afraid I might not make it, I still didnt live! my fat never allowed me to! Also I am afraid of the pain:(
Well, there I let you know about my everyday thought while I am trying to sleep .. that moment they will drag me to the operation room! and will I make it there..?
Thanks again for listening XOX