Dating and dealing with the sleeve...

[youknowit 11]

Posting here as well, since the "Singles" forum has limited traffic... I need help, all! :smile:

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Hi all. So, as of now, I'm dating someone whom I really like, same for him, we're really just in awe that we hadn't met before and that we did finally meet (we have a LOT of friends and acquaintances in common). However, this isn't about all that, as much as I need some advice on how to deal with my sleeve, eating, etc, while "dating".

From the very first date, this guy noticed that I ate VERY little, and even went so far as to comment about it twice on our first date. Since then, he has "commented" on this repeatedly, even going so far as to say to me in text the other day "you barely eat anything, i don't know how you survive like that..." This was in response to my being out of town and mentioning I was looking for something to eat for dinner, and he threw that little tid-bit on the table. Clearly, this is bothering him... and clearly, this is something I'm having trouble talking about.

As some of you may know, I decided before (and since) to keep my sleeve to just YOU here on VST, one friend and my brother. That's it! Now, I feel confronted by the need to explain to this guy, but I just keep telling the usual tales... "I'm watching what I eat," or "I've been working on losing weight," or "I have a sensitive stomach," etc...

What can/should I do? Am I obligated to tell him upfront (which we've already past) or can I wait, or not tell him at all? My feeling is that it's personal and private, that it isn't hurting him by NOT knowing, and that if/when we are in an established (long-term?) relationship, I will then divulge my situation? I knew this would come up... but honestly, not one single friend, family member or anyone else has even noticed or mentioned my "eating" nor even my 45 lb weightloss... this guy, he's tuned in, he knows something is up... HELP! :scared0::scared0::tongue_smilie::sneaky2:

[Globetrotter 1,340]

Well, what's worse, explaining to him that you took control of your health and are in no way deprived by the seemingly tiny portions, or ... him thinking you are an anorexic headcase making excuses to not eat? There was another thread on the forum regarding dating and telling and most of the women there agreed that it turns out that men don't have negative reactions to the news - and if they do, it's a yardstick that lets you know they aren't a keeper!

You mentioned that the two of you have a lot of friends in common and that you have chosen to tell only one friend. Are you concerned that if you told him he might tell someone in your circle and "out" you? I can understand that, trusting is just a gamble sometimes.

[youknowit 11]

Yes, I am concerned that the word will get around in our "group". Vegas is a big city "small town" if you know what I mean? There's a few small sets of people who intermingle socially, in the arts scene, club scene, etc... we all cross paths. Indeed, trusting him to NOT say something to someone in the future, whether intentional or unintentional, scares the shiz out of me... BUT... beyond that, yes, I am concerned he will have a negative opinion about it, which you're right to say would mean I should lose the guy... Such a conundrum. :tongue_smilie:

[pumpkin07 32]

I respect your right to privacy. I think your approach to just tell him you are watching calories is a good one, perhaps ensure him it is under doctor's care and that you are in good health. You could say your cholesterol was high (if it was) and that you don't want to go on medicine for it you'd rather get the weight off.

I don't think you should feel obligated to tell him. I would imagine many people notice your weight loss, but perhaps know you are private and therefore don't say anything. You and I have lost the same amount and people do notice. I am kind of at the point that I will say I have WLS if they ask how I'm doing it, but otherwise I try to just say thanks, I'm trying to get my weight in the normal range.

I have been surprised how uninterested most people are with the concept of WLS, honestly. It is a personal choice, but one I've come to realize most people don't think much about or that most people would ever consider doing to lose weight. So even though I tell them, it isn't as interesting to most people as the new fad diet they are hoping to hear about. I didn't hide it at work, but also didn't make a HUGE announcement. I was surprised the word doesn't spread like wildfire, no one really pays much attention to WLS b/c I guess it doesn't concern most people. So for me having people know has been no biggie.

[Tiffykins 672]

I'm with Globetrotter on this one. While it is a private decision, I firmly believe that since he has noticed the abnormal eating habits, it's only fair to at least tell him about surgery.

Explain to him that you have kept this private because it is your medical and personal information, and would ask him to respect you enough to not blab his mouth to your shared social circle. Men aren't typically "gossipy" or chatty about personal stuff.

I am all for not volunteering information. Honestly, I do respect the fact that you aren't ready to tell him. BUT(you knew there would be a but), if you plan on establishing a long term, committed, solid relationship with someone, I firmly believe that having open communication and upfront honesty is more appropriate and constructive than keeping something like this from him. Men don't like to be left out of the loop, they don't like to feel that we are hiding things from them, at least that's been my experience.

Has there been a situation that you could discuss WLS in general to get a gauge on his reaction? Maybe talk about a "friend" that you talked to recently, or visited lately that had WLS and see how he reacts. That would give you an idea of how he may react to your 'coming out' about your decision.

[cactusmom 0]

I'm dealing with the same problem. And guys DO talk, just like girls. My boyfriend's a blue collar worker--maybe they do more, but he tells me about their talks all the time. I know just from having the band and telling only a few people that that has led to uncomfortable situations and I wished I hadn't. He probably thinks it's cute you don't eat much, my boyfriend did. If I told him I had surgery he probably would have had a different impression because he himself struggles with weight. Let's face it, WLS is looked down upon by many, just as being overweight is. People tend to think you're weak, unmotivated. I feel your dilemma.

[youknowit 11]

I think guys do talk... I see them do it in my group all the time. Sadly, quite a few of my aquaintences are big time "shit talkers" if you get my drift... they will certainly spread the word if they have it. Ugh. I, personally, do keep things to myself partly because of this, partly because I'm kind of secretive... Overall, I know if things progress I will have to tell him, but I just can't bring myself to that point at this very moment. If we get there, I will tell... I know it has to be done. :biggrin0:

[Tiffykins 672]

Maybe it's just the guys I know, and they just don't talk about that kind of stuff.

I don't think it's wrong to keep it until the relationship progresses. It's a comfort level thing, and it's probably because I'm super open with just about everything.

[SouthernSleever 228]

I don't think it's any of his business right now. I'm sure you guys haven't told each other everything yet and until you have a solid commitment it really doesn't need to be told if you don't feel comfortable. There is a stigma that goes along with over weight people and WLS and if you can't be sure he will keep his mouth shut then I just would keep it to myself.

[Oregondaisy 2,019]

I've been dealing with this for awhile now. It really got to be a problem. I finally told the guy I was dating and he was fine with it. I waited until I knew that I was going to be eating a lot of meals with him. I finally got tired of lieing to him.

You'll know when the time is right if you want to tell him. If you are entering into a committed relationship, it would seem that he would respect your feelings and not tell others.

I have a lot of friends who don't know. I don't tell very many people, that's for sure.

[FabBy50 0]

Truth is always the best way to go, he will resent you later on for not feeling like you could let him in on your secret!

[KZol 0]

There are a few guys out there who are weirded out when a woman "doesn't eat". I'm not even sleeved yet, and I've run across a couple. "Why are you taking such small bites? Who eats like that? I DARE you to take a giant bite right NOW". I suspect that these guys are not good candidates for a relationship after VSG. They want that magical girl who eats like a guy but still stays super thin. I think the majority of guys are charmed by limited eating. My own husband was certainly pleased that when I met him I only ate two energy bars and one can of soda per day. Wildly unhealthy, but I was thin and he liked it.

I would try the slightly more truthful "I had stomach surgery, and I have to eat like this right now."

As far as guys talking....yes, they talk, but in my experience they don't really gossip like women do. They mostly talk about themselves. My best friend has been a guy for over a decade, and even talking to a woman, there's very little in the way of gossip. I think if you decide to tell him, your secret will be safe, especially if you tell him you're not interested in the news getting around.

Just my two cents. Best of luck!

[youknowit 11]

Thanks all for the great input and insights... I will continue to ponder and will likely tell him if/when we are in a "committed" relationship, as many of you have stated. I don't feel like as of right now, just "dating" it's really his business yet... So... we'll see what happens I guess! :thumbup:

[AJW 18]

He's intuitive obviously and he's sensing that you're keeping something from him. In his mind, and as we all "tend" to do, he'll start going to the dark side thinking you're ill and that's why you don't eat. I think when you tell him he'll be greatly relieved as he's again (obviously) very fond of you. I tell everybody who notices that I've lost weight. It's no big deal. If these so-called friends of yours have seen you shrink, they've probably suspected something along these lines anyway. You have to become confident enough in YOURSELF to not care what anybody thinks about your health decisions. When you're confident that you did the best thing for yourself, you won't care what reaction anyone has, know what I mean? I saw a guy the other day I haven't seen in awhile, and he was almost afraid to comment on my weight loss because he thought that possibly I had become ill and that's why the big drop. It didn't occur to me that people would automatically go "there," but they do and can. The next time it comes up - and if you think you're going to be with this guy - just say, Look, dude, I had weight loss surgery that's why I can't eat, OK? Well be a little more sensitive than that, but answer him and get it behind you finally (so to speak.) That's my 2 cents of advice.

[Papillon 7]

If you care about him tell him. He will feel better knowing you are OK and not worried that your eating is a warning sign of a larger problem like anorexia... If anything it shows that he cares because he is asking you about it. : ) I hope that your relationship becomes something wonderful. I love my husband and I consider myself very lucky.. a strong relationship begins with communication and kindness. (the rest is just frosting)