GUILTY ..Super Sad

[Phatcurves 3]

So my surgery is May 12, and rapidly approaching. I quit smoking a couple of weeks ago and its been a freaking nightmare because my BF is a major trigger for me smoking and he has been a really winner lately. I am feeling super sad and guilty because I have just been eating whatever and not caring until after the meal where i want to cry.

I told myself a few weeks ago when my surgery date was set that I was going to try to lose 15lbs by my date and eat smart just to help my body out. Currently I am at the lowest rockbottom part of my life with my weight. Even though years ago when I had the band I weight about 40lbs more I am older now and my fat/body is reacting differently to being this heavy again. (I gained 25lbs two months ago when they unfilled my band).

Seriously everything about my belly makes me want to cry. Even now just sitting here my freaking stomach is sitting on my upper legs and making me hot. All of my jeans do not fit from 2 months ago and I am having a hard time finding shirts that are long enough to cover my lower belly.

I know that I am going to get the surgery in two weeks but I really hoped to be going in with such a positive mindset so to thrust me into my new positive life. Right now I just feel depressed, sad, alone and needing a hug.

[Phatcurves 3]

BTW I am sorry to Rant and Rave but I just feel horrible and secretly wish I could just cut my belly right off. But I guess the surgery is going to basicly do that.

[goodlife 3]

Life is about to get so much better for you....just you wait and see.

And how awesome is it that you quit smoking!

I'm really struggling with it. I'm on chantix now which makes me just wanna puke but I've still been smoking.

I smoked my last cigarette early today and I'm trying not to let myself go and buy another pack. I'm not supposed to smoke 24 hours before surgery and that starts tomorrow morning.

I'm trying to make do with my electronic cig. SIGH.

Don't let yourself get too down....hell quitting smoking is a way bigger deal IMO than this surgery! You've got a LOT to be happy about right there.

[stcyt 15]

Awe Phatcurves, Your on your way girl

I am only 5 days post op and I have to say, those weeks approaching surgery were the hardest. Finally, durring the last week I bought two new outfits to wear to work. I knew I would onnly wear them once but I just could't stand myself busting out of my cloths.

I literally woke from surgery with a grin. I was in pain and having a hard time figuring out what was going on, but I knew there was no going back. That all that shame and disgust would be leaving me soon and nothing could stop it.

I'm sorry its bad right now... but I promise, once surgery is over nothing can stop you.

[CraftyChristie 62]

Hi sweetie... first of all, I'd like to say that I think I understand some of how you are feeling. I don't have a surgery date yet, my consult is the 12th, but I am expecting to have surgery 3-4 weeks after that. Even just knowing that it is coming, I think I am starting to mourn the loss a bit - the loss of eating what I want, when I want. Even though I WANT this, that is a loss I have to mourn and I think I am doing that by eating junk and eating too much and feeling super full - because I won't want/be able to do that after surgery. I realize what's causing my behavior, but it still makes me feel depressed, sad, and mad at myself. I think it also gives me a fear of failure... like, if I can't have the right attitude right now, how do I know I can have the right attitude after surgery?? This might be where the depression is coming from. That fear of failure. But I have to realize this is a process, and mourning the loss is part of that process. I don't know if this is the same for you, but wanted to put that out there in case it is.

Also, quitting smoking is a REALLY big deal. I have never been a smoker, but I have seen how hard it is for people to quit. My parents smoked for 35+ years and they both quit in 2001. I am so proud of them and their lives have changed so much. I think all addictions have so much control over us - especially food. You are about to try to conquer TWO major addictions in your life at once - give yourself the credit and recognize that this is a big deal. It's a lot to take on at once, and you're doing it, and that is a struggle. You are not a failure if you feel like it's really hard to do both of these things at once - it IS hard! I know you can succeed though, and when you do, embrace the feeling of accomplishment because you deserve that.

I don't know anything about your boyfriend, your relationship, how you feel about him etc - but from a complete outside opinion based on what you wrote.... if he is a trigger for bad habits in your life, maybe it is time to let go. The things you have to take on are going to be difficult, and having support is great..... but better to be alone than to be with someone who makes it even harder. In yourself you can find support but if someone is pulling you down, that is an extra challenge that you just don't need right now - you are facing enough challenges as it is. Just my view from the outside.

I wish I could give you the hug that you need!! But I'm in Colorado By the way I am about 310lbs right now and it's also the highest for me, I was down in the 230's 3 years ago and missing that so much. Just so you know you look fantastic in your photos and I wish I looked as hot as you at this weight!!

[lmmore 0]

Quitting smoking is the hardest thing in the world to do. And, it puts sooo much stress on you right now. Good for you for doing this for yourself. Now go out and buy a couple of tops that fit.......yes you are going in for surgery, but you will still be wearing these for a few weeks. Feel comfortable and pretty. It's all going to be better soon. Trust me.

[pnw218 14]

I agree with everyone else. Don't be so hard on yourself. One bad habit down, the other one will take care of itself very soon.

I bought my largest size of jeans ever in my life in December. It was very depressing. After only two months, I am now in 3 sizes smaller. Jeans I haven't had on me since December 2006. It feels amazing!!

I was so glad that I didn't have a pre-op diet because I was too busy literally crying over foods as I ate them for the last time. Mentally it is still a challenge but physically, it is great!

Go to a thrift store, buy a few things and then eat what you want, unless the dr has advised you differently. You can only control so many aspects of your life at one time.

In a month or two, you will be very happy!

[Phatcurves 3]

You all are right and I think in a way I am in pre mourning for the food, although I have been telling my mom for years that i wish I just didnt have to eat to live. I would always say that with addiction to drugs or alcohol atleast you didnt need it to survive where if you have a food addiction its always around and you have to eat to live.

I think once the surgery is done I will feel mentally better but there is so much junk going on right now. I am 33 in school, a so so crappy unsupportive relationship (while feeling like I cant do better), Im still married to my ex because he wants me back. **long story.. I do not have a regular sleep schedule and am sort of an insomniac who sits around to much and well I could go on and on.

I want to thank you all for replying. I know that my relationship is super toxic but I do not have enough strength right now to leave. My body woes at this weight are temporary I know but are just contributing to my crummy self esteem and I think I need to get in and talk to a professional about the crud that is clogging up my brain.

My mom told me today that I just need to do the best i can with my food and go for a walk everyday to get the blood flowing and I know she is absolutely right.

THANK YOU ALL. YOUR POSTS REALLY CHEERED ME UP AND GOT ME FEELING A BIT BETTER TODAY. I have the feeling this might be a bumpy road.

[wannalise 15]

Hey deary! I was just gonna come on and post my whole on rant and I hope that I don't monopolize yours but that maybe we can make each other feel better. This will sound dumb to your preop and I hope I can even make sense. I have done really well post op having a plan, following through, staying within my goals. I have always used food the way others use drugs. I don't just like food I use it to numb discomfort, or to heighten good moods. Today I very impulsively stopped and bought a small fry and a small milkshake and then like a giant sneak sat in the back of a parking lot and ate 4 fries and four bites of that shake. Then I felt uber gross and the ice cream ended up coming back up. I felt awful, but it wasn't about what I ate specifically, I came home and entered those foods and I'm still within all my targets, it was that for a matter of a few minutes I let something outside myself have control of me. Your body woes, and your frustrations with smoking are not little. They are symptoms that you can look at and realize that there are things in your world that need to be different, and that you deserve for them to be different. Toxicity only breeds more toxicity. I once had it explained to me that you can't put an oily cloth and a white cloth in a bowl together and hope that the oily cloth will come out whiter, everything will be oily.

This will be rough, I am probably going to struggle til the end of my days to use food as a thing that fuels me and that I enjoy, but not the thing that drives me. But I know that I have a team of supporters and I hope that you do to. I have no idea what pant size you are in, but I have 2 cute pairs of Old Navy 26's that are in my thrift store bag, but that I'd be happy to send to you if they'd help. Take care and let each day be a new start. I'm gonna have to keep telling myself that too.

[kalex21211 0]

Congrats on the smoking thing! I know that is HUGE for you. I agree with everyone else about the pre-op diet....tackle one battle at time. A few things that fit will really help you to feel better, even if it is something that you will not get much wear out of.

Now that I am typing this, I am remembering that either on this forum or on obesityhelp.com there is a classified type section where you can trade or purchase clothes from other members like us. That may be a good place to start....Good luck to you! All of this is short lived and you will be even more confident and beautiful than you already are!

Karen

[Robbiehage 1]

:thumbup: Hugs Girl! It will all be looking up soon!

[Mary Gordon 3]

i totally feel for you, it sounds like this has been going on for some time now.....i hope you are able to find some way to feel better about your situation. why don't you start doing some exercise and breathe so that you can feel better and less depressed.....i hope this surgery is your answer to your weightloss, i know it will be.....Godbless and wish you the best, please keep us posted.:thumbup:

[pnw218 14]

Today I very impulsively stopped and bought a small fry and a small milkshake and then like a giant sneak sat in the back of a parking lot and ate 4 fries and four bites of that shake. Then I felt uber gross and the ice cream ended up coming back up. I felt awful, but it wasn't about what I ate specifically, I came home and entered those foods and I'm still within all my targets, it was that for a matter of a few minutes I let something outside myself have control of me.

You are so not alone!

On Sunday, my husband and I were running errands and he started going low blood sugar. He is diabetic. My little brain worked quickly and I told him to pull into Wendy's. A chicken sandwich was just what he needed. Oh, and by the way, get the full meal deal so I can have a few fries!! They were hot, crunchy and salty, just like I love them. I also had a couple of sips of his pop.

Nummy! I only ate a few and it was enough to fulfill the craving. Hopefully that will take care of it for another couple of months!

[CraftyChristie 62]

OK firstly I am glad you are feeling a little bit better! I want to say one thing though. I totally understand your feeling that you are not strong enough to leave right now. And I won't harp on it but just want to put this out there - similar to what was said by someone else about the oily rag.... I know you feel your self esteem is low and you don't feel strong enough to be on your own but sometimes the truth it that it is the other person who takes away your strength. So although you feel that now, you would actually feel stronger without him in your life.

I'm no counselor or anything but I have seen friends in these situations. I know it's a hard thing to face so I would never try to push you, rather I am only trying to encourage you to see that you CAN do this on your own and that it may actually be easier, because you don't have to fight anyone.

We are all here for you if you need us!

[pnw218 14]

Very good points Christie!

And the exact reason why I got divorced the first time. He was supporting me financially but nothing emotionally. So even tho it meant going back to work and raising two little kids on my own, it was actually easier because I wasn't expecting any help from anyone except myself.