MrsWilson1212

This past Thursday I had my psych appt. As I sat in my truck finishing up the last few pages of the booklet I was told to fill out before my appointment, I wondered what I was walking into since I have seen posts that describe it as a simple discussion with a doctor and others as a series of tests. The waiting room was filled with other hopeful WLS patients and after a 10 minute wait I was weighed (lost 6 lbs!- the good) and taken back to an office with the shrink and a student who was there for observation. (I said I didnt mind) She reviewed my questionaire and pretty much asked me questions based on my answers. It was simple enough but based on my very honest answers, she suggested I seek counseling based on my past history of depression for at least 6 months after surgery despite the fact I told her my depression was situational and I am very excited about the surgery. She also suggested I return to taking medication I had been prescribed (and honestly never took) and told me she wanted me to have whoever I decided to see to call her. I guess to confirm that I had followed her instruction. She told me she would recoommend that I get the surgery based on the fact I seem to have educated myself enough about the process, but I think her assessment was based more of how SHE felt about what I had shared with her and now how I was telling her about how I felt. She was nice enough but I did not totally agree with her suggestions. (the bad) Seeing someone wasnt the problem since I decided to visit a counselor I had in the past that I had grown to really like and who I know had battled her own weight problems. Taking the meds however was not something I wanted to do since I never really took the prescribed medications. The next day, however, I got up and took one of the little blue pillsbefore I went to work figuring it may be a preventive measure for the depression she said many patients sufffer from after surgery. Within a half hour of arriving at work, I felt very sleepy. An hour after that I felt angry and cranky.:thumbup: Within a half hour I felt my emotions going haywire and I started to cry:crying:. Realizing something was wrong, I went to my best friend and simply asked her to help me because something was wrong. She calmed me down, I returned to my desk and minutes later started to have a panic attack. My husband eventually was called to pick me up and I went home. I cried in the car all the way home and by the time I calmed down really felt depressed. :sad: The rest of my Friday was spent in the bed trying to sleep off the drug that was supposed to "help" me. On Saturday I woke up with a migrane from hell and ended up laying around for the better part of the morning. By the time I felt well enough to get out of bed, I was starving and ended up eating like it was my last meal. Needless to say, that really pissed me off (with myself) when I realized I had totally lost control. I am not quite sure what happened, but I am guessing because my chemical levels were fine, taking a drug that is supposed to change those levels, sent my body into a frenzy. I had called my PCP but she was on vacation and her back up called me back after I had left work. I will call back on Monday. One thing for certain...no more drugs until I see my PCP. If my PCP agrees with the shrink, I will let her handle it because its possible she can give me something else or a very low dosage. My willingness to do whatever it takes to comply with suggestions of medical professionals in an effort to get my surgery has made me more open to doing things I wouldnt have otherwise, because failure is NOT AN OPTION for me. But that episode on Friday has reminded me that no one knows me the way I know myself and I have to have more faith in God and myself to be a success. When I first started this journey, I prayed about it and said, if it isnt in God's plan, it will not simply happen. Since then I have had successes, failures, doubts and fears that have made me wonder. But on Friday, as a friend held me as I sobbed like a baby, she said a prayer in my ear and it brought me some peace and when I look back today, a reminder that no matter what happens on this journey, in the end, its all part of God's plan so I only need to have faith.

Hi and welcome home and to the true start of your journey. I am glad to hear everything went well and you are feeling well. I look forward to hearing from you again soon. Congrats!

Hi I went to a support meeting yesterday and asked if anyone had their "before" pictures and out of 10 people only 1 woman was able to show me a picture and it was in her phone because many admitted they hated the way the looked in pictures so they stopped taking them. Ihave been unable to avoid taking them but I cringe when I see pictures of myself (even my wedding pictures) and can't wait until the day I can smile when I see a picture of my TRUE self with the layers of fat that have covered me for so many years gone. I also love the quote you have on your post. Its simple, but powerful. Good luck with reaching your goal.

Hi..Just wanted to send you some encouragement and wish you the very best of luck. I do not have my date so I can only imagine how you feel..BUT..after reading WLS for Dummies the other day, I got nervous and really wondered (for a split second) if this was the right thing for me to do. It passed, as yours will, so stay focused on your new chapter in life. Good luck. I look foward to your reading your posts after surgery. :sad:

Yesterday I attended my first support meeting. My oldest daughter and husband had to work so my youngest daughter accompanied me. The surgeon and nutrionist were there with about 7 post op patients, 4 pre op patients and 3 others supporters of post and pre op patients. It was very informal and it was like visiting this website without the typing. :smile2: As everyone went around the room for introductions I took mental inventory of who was post op wondering what they looked like before. I started off the questioning wondering if anyone had experienced that feeling wondering if they had made a mistake intially after having surgery and the room was filled with loud "YES!" But they also chimed in how it passed. As the Q & A progressed, I realized all of the post op patients had gastric and there wasnt a single person in the room that could tell me about their lap band experience. So I couldnt relate to the stories of "dumping" and no one could tell me what a "fill" feels like. I was disappointed :sad: but to get their perspective of what it is like to have reached such a big goal and how their lives had changed as a result of the weight loss, kept my attention. As with any group, there was the negative people who only seemed to speak up when it was time to complain :cursing: but a couple of really positive people that made me feel proud of them as if I knew them personally. :thumbup: I heard the stories about being able to do the simple things again (like running up a flight of steps without being winded or crossing your legs) and battles they still deal with (cravings, social functions, etc) Many of them were there to get more support than offer it (because they had gained weight back) and a few were having a difficult time mentally accepting their new body image because the extra skin made them feel more unattractive. One woman had just had surgery last month and she looked very good which was a surprise since the only person I ever knew to have gastric was still in the bed 3 weeks after surgery. With the exception of 1 other guy, I think I may have also been the youngest person in the room, making me wonder how many of them wished the could have done it sooner ( I know I do) and how many years did they suffer with weight related health issues and self esteem issues before making the choice to have the surgery. I wanted to ask about hair loss, but the woman sitting next to me was completely bald and since I wasn't sure if it was a fashion choice (because she really looked good with it) or a result of the gastric, I decided to leave that question out.:thumbup: In the adjoining auditorium, the surgeon was having an orientation meeting with new patients and he asked if some of the post op patients were willing to stay and speak to them, and the meeting came to an end, but not before I asked the group did anyone have a "before" picture. Only one person did, because many of them, hated the way they looked in pictures so much they said they had stopped taking them. Not surprisingly it was the most positive woman in the room. She pulled her cell phone out and showed a picture she took last year on her birthday and I had to take a double take because she looks like a soccer mom that has been in shape her entire life. If I saw this woman in any other venue, I would have never thought she had WLS. I hugged and thanked her for sharing, realizing who I am today, does not have to be who I choose to be tomorrow. I left with samples of broth, puddings and drinks used by post op patients. I had purchased Ensure before arriving at the meeting planning a self imposed liquid diet to "practice" in the weeks to come. I am glad I attended the meeting,and hope to one day be that positive person providing inspiration to others who are ready to regain control of their lives.

Yesterday I attended my first support meeting. My oldest daughter and husband had to work so my youngest daughter accompanied me. The surgeon and nutrionist were there with about 7 post op patients, 4 pre op patients and 3 others supporters of post and pre op patients. It was very informal and it was like visiting this website without the typing. :tt2: As everyone went around the room for introductions I took mental inventory of who was post op wondering what they looked like before. I started off the questioning wondering if anyone had experienced that feeling wondering if they had made a mistake intially after having surgery and the room was filled with loud "YES!" But they also chimed in how it passed. As the Q & A progressed, I realized all of the post op patients had gastric and there wasnt a single person in the room that could tell me about their lap band experience. So I couldnt relate to the stories of "dumping" and no one could tell me what a "fill" feels like. I was disappointed :eek: but to get their perspective of what it is like to have reached such a big goal and how their lives had changed as a result of the weight loss, kept my attention. As with any group, there was the negative people who only seemed to speak up when it was time to complain :biggrin: but a couple of really positive people that made me feel proud of them as if I knew them personally. :thumbup: I heard the stories about being able to do the simple things again (like running up a flight of steps without being winded or crossing your legs) and battles they still deal with (cravings, social functions, etc) Many of them were there to get more support than offer it (because they had gained weight back) and a few were having a difficult time mentally accepting their new body image because the extra skin made them feel more unattractive. One woman had just had surgery last month and she looked very good which was a surprise since the only person I ever knew to have gastric was still in the bed 3 weeks after surgery. With the exception of 1 other guy, I think I may have also been the youngest person in the room, making me wonder how many of them wished the could have done it sooner ( I know I do) and how many years did they suffer with weight related health issues and self esteem issues before making the choice to have the surgery. I wanted to ask about hair loss, but the woman sitting next to me was completely bald and since I wasn't sure if it was a fashion choice (because she really looked good with it) or a result of the gastric, I decided to leave that question out.:sad: In the adjoining auditorium, the surgeon was having an orientation meeting with new patients and he asked if some of the post op patients were willing to stay and speak to them, and the meeting came to an end, but not before I asked the group did anyone have a "before" picture. Only one person did, because many of them, hated the way they looked in pictures so much they said they had stopped taking them. Not surprisingly it was the most positive woman in the room. She pulled her cell phone out and showed a picture she took last year on her birthday and I had to take a double take because she looks like a soccer mom that has been in shape her entire life. If I saw this woman in any other venue, I would have never thought she had WLS. I hugged and thanked her for sharing, realizing who I am today, does not have to be who I choose to be tomorrow. I left with samples of broth, puddings and drinks used by post op patients. I had purchased Ensure before arriving at the meeting planning a self imposed liquid diet to "practice" in the weeks to come. I am glad I attended the meeting,and hope to one day be that positive person providing inspiration to others who are ready to regain control of their lives.

Although I am in the final stages of pre-op I am already feeling a little adversity from a co worker who had gastric bypass. Ironic right? :sad: WLS for dummies made it very clear that negativity from co-workers (and others) is going to occur especially if you are no longer going to be the fattest person in the office. I will admit, when she first started talking about surgery, I was a naysayer. I saw it as an easy way out for her because she had never really tried anything to lose weight. I wasn't feeling jealousy because she was getting the surgery (because I am afraid of the extensive surgery involved with gastric) but I will admit, when she returned to work months later with her clothes hanging off I had feelings of envy because she had lost more weight than I ever had in my numerous attempts. Since she was a friend (of sorts) I had to congratulate her and compliment her because she looked good and it was obvious she felt better because her self esteem was through the roof! By the time that "gaunt" look left her and she began to shop for clothes that fit, I was convinced WLS might not be a bad thing and truly apologized to her for being a naysayer...and eventually decided to get lapband. Since I was now the fattest person in the office, the things she envied about me (the fact I finished school, got married and had the less stressful position in the office) seemed to take a back seat to her because she had that "one up" now and I noticed she would flaunt herself around the office, going out the way to "visit" with people on the other side of our floor just so they could see her. She also seemed to find a cruel pleasure in making comments about other fat people (including me) as if she never wore those shoes. This pissed me off but it also motivated me more. Another friend in the office, who is supporting my decision after seeing the results of gastric with our coworker and her brother in law, told me early on that I shouldnt expect her to be too excited for me because she probably fears that when I get my surgery, I am going to be back to having a "one up" on this woman because I will probably look better. (I was smaller before her surgery and am 10 years younger) All in all, its really not about what anyone thinks. Its about how I feel when I walk up a flight of steps and feel like I was kicked in my chest, or my back aches after walking a city block. I am tired of being tired of being obese. (its funny to finally be able to accept that word) I am tired of being taken less seriously despite my intelligence because my weight immediately causes assumptions that I am lazy or lack control. I am tired of literally being the "elephant in the room" and figure in the end, those that truly love and care will share in my joys and triumphs realizing the quality of my life has improved and a healthier me will give me (and them) many more years of ME.

I just read in WLS for Dummies last night that what you are experiencing is very normal. I am near the end of the process hoping to get banded by the end of Oct so why I cant yet relate to the feeling I have heard this many times before. Be strong..Good luck. I look forward to reading your posts as time goes on and u feel better

LOL..the scale has never been a friend to me but I am looking forward to the day where getting on it wont cause my palms to sweat because I know its DEFINITELY gone up..still waiting for my process to end so I can join the other ranks of "scale whores." LOL

Yesterday my pre-op gastric co-worker brought to work "Weight Loss Surgery for Dummies" (I love those books!) and after thumbing through just a couple of pages I begged her to let me hold it. She told me she had planned to take it on vacation but when I promised to buy her some magazines to replace it, she relented, leaving me custody until Tuesday when she returns. Well..the moment I had the chance to sit, I found myself skimming over the things I had already learned from the Dr., online and members of this website, and started to really READ things I hadnt quite realized or thought about. (this is why I love these books) The section which explained some of the adjustments that will be have to made emotionally after surgery were never really a consideration I had. I mean I know I wasnt going to wake up 100 lbs lighter one day, with all my troubles gone, but according to this book the loss of the "friendship" with food, can cause depression like any other loss. And for a split second, I said to myself..hmmm..maybe being a fat chick isnt such a bad thing. I began to ask myself am I REALLY prepared for this and I realized I wasn't. For the last 2 months that I have began my journey I was so focused on the beginning and end, I did not give enough thought to the middle. The way I am goin to feel after surgery (mentally), how to deal with the reactions of friends, coworkers and family and how I am going to succeed. I know! I know!..I am going a little too far ahead of myself, but I can be a little neurotic like that :wink: sometimes. I guess it comes from the last 15 years of true self discovery and realizing I am not exactly the best at completing tasks. I mean yeah, I finished college...I can finish out a workday...but I still have not completed the needlepoint I started last January or putting away the summer clothes that I decided I would look better in next year so I can make room in my closet. I began to hear the doctor's voice replay in my mind the day of orientation telling everyone, while going through the process start to adopt the new habits that will be crucial to the lifestyle change. Instead I have been going in the opposite direction. I have yet to begin an exercise program, I still have those moments where I eat like crazy and I am still smoking, despite cutting back drastically. I called my sister and tried to vent but she was too busy trying to give me advice to just listen. So right now I am simply taking the moments slowly. I realize I am going to have to "baby step" my way through all of this because failure is simply not an option for me. Outside of the winnning lottery numbers for tomorrow, there is nothing I have ever wanted more for myself...and its really time I started to get what I want out of my life because I am only going around once! So while I feel scared to death at the coulds/maybes/probablys..I also never felt so brave.

Yesterday my pre-op gastric co-worker brought to work "Weight Loss Surgery for Dummies" (I love those books!) and after thumbing through just a couple of pages I begged her to let me hold it. She told me she had planned to take it on vacation but when I promised to buy her some magazines to replace it, she relented, leaving me custody until Tuesday when she returns. Well..the moment I had the chance to sit, I found myself skimming over the things I had already learned from the Dr., online and members of this website, and started to really READ things I hadnt quite realized or thought about. (this is why I love these books) The section which explained some of the adjustments that will be have to made emotionally after surgery were never really a consideration I had. I mean I know I wasnt going to wake up 100 lbs lighter one day, with all my troubles gone, but according to this book the loss of the "friendship" with food, can cause depression like any other loss. And for a split second, I said to myself..hmmm..maybe being a fat chick isnt such a bad thing. I began to ask myself am I REALLY prepared for this and I realized I wasn't. For the last 2 months that I have began my journey I was so focused on the beginning and end, I did not give enough thought to the middle. The way I am goin to feel after surgery (mentally), how to deal with the reactions of friends, coworkers and family and how I am going to succeed. I know! I know!..I am going a little too far ahead of myself, but I can be a little neurotic like that :sad: sometimes. I guess it comes from the last 15 years of true self discovery and realizing I am not exactly the best at completing tasks. I mean yeah, I finished college...I can finish out a workday...but I still have not completed the needlepoint I started last January or putting away the summer clothes that I decided I would look better in next year so I can make room in my closet. I began to hear the doctor's voice replay in my mind the day of orientation telling everyone, while going through the process start to adopt the new habits that will be crucial to the lifestyle change. Instead I have been going in the opposite direction. I have yet to begin an exercise program, I still have those moments where I eat like crazy and I am still smoking, despite cutting back drastically. I called my sister and tried to vent but she was too busy trying to give me advice to just listen. So right now I am simply taking the moments slowly. I realize I am going to have to "baby step" my way through all of this because failure is simply not an option for me. Outside of the winnning lottery numbers for tomorrow, there is nothing I have ever wanted more for myself...and its really time I started to get what I want out of my life because I am only going around once! So while I feel scared to death at the coulds/maybes/probablys..I also never felt so brave.

Thank you all for your kind and encouraging words. Mr. Wilson in his own little awkward way yesterday again told me why he didnt think it was a good idea and even offered a solution. He said he would become my personal trainer for a year! It was sweet...but I have not budged from my desire to have surgery. I will blog more on this later.

This past Monday I went in for my much anticipated visit with the doctor and nutrionist. It was my first time back in over a month and I was excited, curious and nervous all at the same time. I was excited because I knew this was another step closer to where I eventually want to be, curious about my test results and nervous about getting on the scale because I knew I had gained weight. Well, my appt definitely took me closer because by the time I left I had my psych appt scheduled (8/20), my appt following the sleep study moved up 2 weeks and in between appts to return to the doctor. More or less I have an appt every week between now and the end of Sept and if everything goes well, I may be looking at an Oct date. My test results came back well. I was told that my ultrasound and upper GI was normal and my blood tests were excellent. My blood clot scare last year had me wondering about how my tests would come out since this is always a worry for me now, but it gave me a chance to dicuss this further and I will see the doctor that will insert the filter to avoid clots prior to surgery on my next appt at the hospital. My fear about the weight gain rang true. I knew it from the way I was feeling. My back has been aching and I feel sluggish. My back aches at a 5 lb weight gain, so I knew I had at least gained that..but I was shocked to learn it was in fact 11 lbs. :wink: I was told it was probably fluid. Yeah..Grey Goose I explained. The numerous happy hours my co workers and I had attended since my last visit had caught up with me. The nutrionist and doctor both encouragingly told me not to worried since "thats what I am there for". I later had to laugh since it was the first time I wasn't scolded by a health care professional for gaining weight. The surgeon on the other hand, came to see me with a couple of students, wasnt as dismissive reminding me of the high calorie content of alcohol and how important calories will be when I get lap band since my body will not reject the sugar automatically like gastric. I knew he was right and could only sit there like a scolded kid nodding in agreement. I needed that kick in the ass. It brought the importance of this surgery and saving my life back to the forefront of my mind. I had lost focus having so much time in between appointments and simply slipped back into bad habits. I had to get back on the horse. As I explained to the nutrionist, I KNOW what to do, its DOING it. I am a professional dieter. I know it all..I have read it all. I am just a very unsuccessful dieter. She listened but I could see she wasnt buying it, she gave me my food journal for the week and told me to fax it on Friday. She told me her appt is last and usually a couple of weeks before my date to avoid wasting money if not approved. She said she had flexible hours so I said, cool lets meet for drinks. I quickly followed with..IM JOKING! and she actually laughed, then added, sure we will meet for breakfast and have carnation instant breakfast drinks! She was so quick I had to join her in laughing. :eek: She later repeated it to the surgeon who also got a laugh. Putting that imprint on her mind, also puts her in the forefront of mine. I know I have to make more of an effort to do the right thing because it is truly now or never.

This past Monday I went in for my much anticipated visit with the doctor and nutrionist. It was my first time back in over a month and I was excited, curious and nervous all at the same time. I was excited because I knew this was another step closer to where I eventually want to be, curious about my test results and nervous about getting on the scale because I knew I had gained weight. Well, my appt definitely took me closer because by the time I left I had my psych appt scheduled (8/20), my appt following the sleep study moved up 2 weeks and in between appts to return to the doctor. More or less I have an appt every week between now and the end of Sept and if everything goes well, I may be looking at an Oct date. My test results came back well. I was told that my ultrasound and upper GI was normal and my blood tests were excellent. My blood clot scare last year had me wondering about how my tests would come out since this is always a worry for me now, but it gave me a chance to dicuss this further and I will see the doctor that will insert the filter to avoid clots prior to surgery on my next appt at the hospital. My fear about the weight gain rang true. I knew it from the way I was feeling. My back has been aching and I feel sluggish. My back aches at a 5 lb weight gain, so I knew I had at least gained that..but I was shocked to learn it was in fact 11 lbs. :sad: I was told it was probably fluid. Yeah..Grey Goose I explained. The numerous happy hours my co workers and I had attended since my last visit had caught up with me. The nutrionist and doctor both encouragingly told me not to worried since "thats what I am there for". I later had to laugh since it was the first time I wasn't scolded by a health care professional for gaining weight. The surgeon on the other hand, came to see me with a couple of students, wasnt as dismissive reminding me of the high calorie content of alcohol and how important calories will be when I get lap band since my body will not reject the sugar automatically like gastric. I knew he was right and could only sit there like a scolded kid nodding in agreement. I needed that kick in the ass. It brought the importance of this surgery and saving my life back to the forefront of my mind. I had lost focus having so much time in between appointments and simply slipped back into bad habits. I had to get back on the horse. As I explained to the nutrionist, I KNOW what to do, its DOING it. I am a professional dieter. I know it all..I have read it all. I am just a very unsuccessful dieter. She listened but I could see she wasnt buying it, she gave me my food journal for the week and told me to fax it on Friday. She told me her appt is last and usually a couple of weeks before my date to avoid wasting money if not approved. She said she had flexible hours so I said, cool lets meet for drinks. I quickly followed with..IM JOKING! and she actually laughed, then added, sure we will meet for breakfast and have carnation instant breakfast drinks! She was so quick I had to join her in laughing. :biggrin: She later repeated it to the surgeon who also got a laugh. Putting that imprint on her mind, also puts her in the forefront of mine. I know I have to make more of an effort to do the right thing because it is truly now or never.

Quite a bit has happened since my last post and I have been mentally exhausted making it difficult to think about anything but how much my job is stressing me out. Enough about that... Well last Sunday I talked to my husband about the surgery. I told him I was having the surgery and would like his support. He told me no and I shrugged advising him it would not change my mind. I proceeded to tell him how this was something I had to do for myself and how it was unlike the gastric bypass my coworker had (he thinks she looks horrible) and he pretty told me I couldnt sell him on it. I told him I wasnt trying to and explained how it would give me a better quality of life. Blah Blah Blah Blah. Once Mr. Wilson makes up his mind about something, there is no changing it. He has to come around on his own after he SEES himself disproved. I know this about my husband. He has always been this way which is why I told him it would be nice to have his support, but my mind is made up. He even told me to let him know when I was going to do it so he could have "the papers" (meaning divorce) for me to sign. I totally ignored him, knowing it was the only "weapon" he thought he could use. But I didnt care and figured it became truly THAT serious for him, then I will cross that bridge when I get to it. Besides I know my husband and despite what he may see as "defiance" he loves me and will not refuse to help me when the time comes. For a moment I could see him pondering more over my stance than my words. He seemed to want to get angry, but he couldnt because I had a calm but determined attitude. As the hours and days passed since our conversation last Sunday afternoon I noticed something different about Mr. Wilson. It was as if a lightbulb went off in his head and he began to show me affection in ways that were very touching. Light kisses as I slept. Smiles and compliments were more frequent and I began to wonder...Did Mr. Wilson have a sudden epiphany of sorts remembering how I looked when we first me 8 years and 30+ lbs ago? Did he began to imagine the image I have been seeing in my dreams for years of myself as a stronger, healthier, happier more confident woman? I am not sure what happened, but it was obvious something clicked. :thumbup: So for now..it is what it is. By Thursday, my routine had returned and I struggled through my work week looking forward to Friday. When I began to create the weekly schedule for my office, I noticed one of my assistants was off the day I was scheduled to see the surgeon again (8/17) so I called the office to see if I could possibly have my appointment pushed up hoping someone cancelled. I felt a little discourage when I had to leave a message but lo and behold, I got a call back an hour later from the very helpful and excited office manager that was glad I had called in. She had been on vacation when I had my last visit so my appointment was scheduled in error. She advised that I actually was scheduled to come in last week. (it would have been nice if someone would have called me) I told her I was not aware of this appt and she apologized asking if I could come in on Monday. I told her yes, advising I was looking forward to it because the winds had been let out of my sails waiting all this time. I also told her about my sleep study being scheduled later this month with a possible 2nd one early next month, but the appointment to discuss the results were not until the first week of October. She said she would try to get it changed for me realizing that I wanted to get the surgery "yesterday" which I agreed with a chuckle. She told me she would schedule me for the psych appointment on Monday when I came in, also taking me closer to the end of the processes. If all goes well, I hope to have everything done by the end of October so it can go to my insurance company for approval and I can prayerfully get a date. I felt my excitement return and it put me back on cloud 9. Only problem is, I know I have gained weight. I am not sure how much, but I know its most if not all of the 8 lbs I had lost. I have been doing happy hour more often with other stressful workers filling my body on a Grey Goose laden pink lemonade cocktail I enjoy always with a side of buffalo wings. I feel like crap. My back aches from the slight gain and my clothes are tighter. In fact a favorite pair of jeans I purchased a size smaller (it was the last pair and they were on sale) that I was fitting well, can not be zipped.:thumbdown: Yeah guess who feels crappy about that?! One of my assistants is prepping for gastric and she just finally finished the last of her testing yesterday. We promised we would try to set our dates where they wont collide, especially since her surgery is going to require more recovery time. It looks like that is going to be impossible at this point and she will probably get to go in first. I cant worry about it or her because I still have a very long way to go and alot more work to do, but my level of excitement has come back and I am looking forward to Monday so I can find out the result of my tests and prepare for the next phase. Please keep me in prayer.

Quite a bit has happened since my last post and I have been mentally exhausted making it difficult to think about anything but how much my job is stressing me out. Enough about that... Well last Sunday I talked to my husband about the surgery. I told him I was having the surgery and would like his support. He told me no and I shrugged advising him it would not change my mind. I proceeded to tell him how this was something I had to do for myself and how it was unlike the gastric bypass my coworker had (he thinks she looks horrible) and he pretty told me I couldnt sell him on it. I told him I wasnt trying to and explained how it would give me a better quality of life. Blah Blah Blah Blah. :thumbup: Once Mr. Wilson makes up his mind about something, there is no changing it. He has to come around on his own after he SEES himself disproved. I know this about my husband. He has always been this way which is why I told him it would be nice to have his support, but my mind is made up. He even told me to let him know when I was going to do it so he could have "the papers" (meaning divorce) for me to sign. I totally ignored him, knowing it was the only "weapon" he thought he could use. But I didnt care and figured it became truly THAT serious for him, then I will cross that bridge when I get to it. Besides I know my husband and despite what he may see as "defiance" he loves me and will not refuse to help me when the time comes. For a moment I could see him pondering more over my stance than my words. He seemed to want to get angry, but he couldnt because I had a calm but determined attitude. As the hours and days passed since our conversation last Sunday afternoon I noticed something different about Mr. Wilson. It was as if a lightbulb went off in his head and he began to show me affection in ways that were very touching. Light kisses as I slept. Smiles and compliments were more frequent and I began to wonder...Did Mr. Wilson have a sudden epiphany of sorts remembering how I looked when we first me 8 years and 30+ lbs ago? Did he began to imagine the image I have been seeing in my dreams for years of myself as a stronger, healthier, happier more confident woman? I am not sure what happened, but it was obvious something clicked. :cursing: So for now..it is what it is. By Thursday, my routine had returned and I struggled through my work week looking forward to Friday. When I began to create the weekly schedule for my office, I noticed one of my assistants was off the day I was scheduled to see the surgeon again (8/17) so I called the office to see if I could possibly have my appointment pushed up hoping someone cancelled. I felt a little discourage when I had to leave a message but lo and behold, I got a call back an hour later from the very helpful and excited office manager that was glad I had called in. She had been on vacation when I had my last visit so my appointment was scheduled in error. She advised that I actually was scheduled to come in last week. (it would have been nice if someone would have called me) I told her I was not aware of this appt and she apologized asking if I could come in on Monday. I told her yes, advising I was looking forward to it because the winds had been let out of my sails waiting all this time. I also told her about my sleep study being scheduled later this month with a possible 2nd one early next month, but the appointment to discuss the results were not until the first week of October. She said she would try to get it changed for me realizing that I wanted to get the surgery "yesterday" which I agreed with a chuckle. She told me she would schedule me for the psych appointment on Monday when I came in, also taking me closer to the end of the processes. If all goes well, I hope to have everything done by the end of October so it can go to my insurance company for approval and I can prayerfully get a date. I felt my excitement return :cursing: and it put me back on cloud 9. Only problem is, I know I have gained weight. I am not sure how much, but I know its most if not all of the 8 lbs I had lost. I have been doing happy hour more often with other stressful workers filling my body on a Grey Goose laden pink lemonade cocktail I enjoy always with a side of buffalo wings. I feel like crap. My back aches from the slight gain and my clothes are tighter. In fact a favorite pair of jeans I purchased a size smaller (it was the last pair and they were on sale) that I was fitting well, can not be zipped.:eek: Yeah guess who feels crappy about that?! One of my assistants is prepping for gastric and she just finally finished the last of her testing yesterday. We promised we would try to set our dates where they wont collide, especially since her surgery is going to require more recovery time. It looks like that is going to be impossible at this point and she will probably get to go in first. I cant worry about it or her because I still have a very long way to go and alot more work to do, but my level of excitement has come back and I am looking forward to Monday so I can find out the result of my tests and prepare for the next phase. Please keep me in prayer.

Congrats on your weight loss! You look great and you are truly inspiring. Keep up the great work!

It seems like everything has simply stalled for me and as a result I have lost focus..lost my mind..lost my excitement. I have been eating like I have a bottomless pit for a stomach. I do have see the bariatric surgeon again until the middle of next month and the sleep study the week after. I keep telling myself that I will get back on track tomorrow and find myself sidetracked. Work has been very stressful and co-workers and I have been going out for drinks and as a result have found myself the next morning trying to eat down hangovers the next morning or working through breakfast or lunch because it is so busy then going overboard at the next meal. Just picking up alot of the bad habits that got me to where I am today. The little bit of wieght I lost I am sure I have gained back and I feel my distractions have come easier because I am not moving along in the process to getting the surgery at the initial pace which seemed to have me doing something once a week when I first started my journey. One of the other concerns I have is making sure I have the money I will need for the psych and nutritionist appts that will cost me close to $500. With my oldest daughter in college and my youngest starting high school in a couple of weeks, my husband wanting to complete home improvement projects and no overtime at work my money is very "funny". So in a sense, the delay is somewhat of a blessing since it gives me some time to save but at this point and pace, I don't see myself getting a date until the end of the year or beginning of next year. From the beginning I have told myself if it is meant to be, everything that I need will be available when I need it and I will be just fine. My faith is all I have. So its another Sunday, and again I promise myself to get back on the horse of developing more positive habits, that will simply get me prepared for what I will eventually have to make a permanent part of my life.

It seems like everything has simply stalled for me and as a result I have lost focus..lost my mind..lost my excitement. I have been eating like I have a bottomless pit for a stomach. I do have see the bariatric surgeon again until the middle of next month and the sleep study the week after. I keep telling myself that I will get back on track tomorrow and find myself sidetracked. Work has been very stressful and co-workers and I have been going out for drinks and as a result have found myself the next morning trying to eat down hangovers the next morning or working through breakfast or lunch because it is so busy then going overboard at the next meal. Just picking up alot of the bad habits that got me to where I am today. The little bit of wieght I lost I am sure I have gained back and I feel my distractions have come easier because I am not moving along in the process to getting the surgery at the initial pace which seemed to have me doing something once a week when I first started my journey. One of the other concerns I have is making sure I have the money I will need for the psych and nutritionist appts that will cost me close to $500. With my oldest daughter in college and my youngest starting high school in a couple of weeks, my husband wanting to complete home improvement projects and no overtime at work my money is very "funny". So in a sense, the delay is somewhat of a blessing since it gives me some time to save but at this point and pace, I don't see myself getting a date until the end of the year or beginning of next year. From the beginning I have told myself if it is meant to be, everything that I need will be available when I need it and I will be just fine. My faith is all I have. So its another Sunday, and again I promise myself to get back on the horse of developing more positive habits, that will simply get me prepared for what I will eventually have to make a permanent part of my life.

Hi Girlfriend! As always it is nice to "hear" from you. Congrats on your new home, that is definitely a great accomplishment and I wish you the very best of luck. I appreciate you sharing the fact you were able to enjoy some of the foods you love and feeling that a bite was enough. That is very encouraging to me since I am one of those people that simply love food...the colors, flavors and smells and I know changing my relationship with food is going to be instrumental to my success or failure. I am looking at the lapband as the restrictive control my mind does not have when I have my food favorites in front of me. Again, congrats on your new home. It sounds like you are about to not only re-invent yourself but your entire life and I applaud you. Until the next time..

Great post! I love it and I applaud you for refusing to let what you see define the love you have for yourself. I had to chuckle at a couple of descriptions, but the brutal honesty is what I am seeking in these very early stages of my journey, so thank you for sharing and you strut your stuff in that bathing suit with your head held high because like you HAVE succeeded!

Its been a while and stress at work more than anything has kept me from the very good routine I had started with visiting the site and posting to my blog, but better late than never... right? Well it will definitely have to be right in my case because my preliminary phases have been stretched out a little. This past Thursday I had my lab work, ultrasound and upper GI. I have to admit I was shocked by the speediness that I was able to get everything done and be out of the hospital. It was a truly effortless day. I am not scheduled to see the docs again until next month but I finally heard from the folks at the sleep study center and I have an appointment on the 26th. I have heard more than once it will not be a good night's sleep and I may have to do it twice. The 2nd appointment is 2 weeks after that first and then I have to see their doctor in early October. Since I was told the appointments for the nutrionist and psychologist does not occur until after those phases, in my mind I do not see myself getting a date (if its all approved..still have to keep my fingers crossed on that) until Thanksgiving or later. That actually might not be a bad idea..in fact, if possible I might even push for mid-December so I can recovery during the Xmas holidays with my family. As my title suggests, I consider the late dates to be a step back, but not like the other 2. First..the smoking thing..I would like to say I kicked it cold turkey but I have not:thumbdown:..still working on it. I have cut back to damn near nothing which is why it makes me angry when I actually smoke. I get the urge more for the "habit" reason than the physical need for nicotine since I actually went a whole day without one. It still makes me feel like crap if I have one, so the insanity of it just pisses me off. :smile2: Like I said work has been a real source of stress and I took time off as a result and ended up totally falling off my wagon of small portions, good food choices and just being more active and I am SURE I have gained back at least 5 of the 8 lbs I lost. I can feel it. I feel horrible. I just lost my damn mind. I binged on all of my favorite things. Chinese food, fast food, wings, and alcohol meeting up with thin girlfriends for drinks. Horrible! And of course..like it goes..more I ate..more I got tired and less active. Yes, I am totally disgusted with myself! :smile2: But today..is a new day..I am back in the right frame of mind. Because I understand it is truly all about how I think and IF I think about what I am doing. I simply have to get my focus back and remember my goal. I am also going to re-visit the discussion with my husband about the surgery because I certainly cannot go to the sleep study without telling him since he may be a little concerned and/or :confused: if he comes home from work and I am not in the bed. I am going to simply advise him that my point of discussion is not to get his permission or for him to agree but to give him the opportunity to go to an appointment with me and/or one of the upcoming information sessions I want to attend. I also want him to understand I would like to have his support, but with 2 supportive daughters than can help me with the physical and emotional issues that may arise, if I don't it will not deter me. It really is that simple. Please keep me in prayer.

Its been a while and stress at work more than anything has kept me from the very good routine I had started with visiting the site and posting to my blog, but better late than never... right? Well it will definitely have to be right in my case because my preliminary phases have been stretched out a little. This past Thursday I had my lab work, ultrasound and upper GI. I have to admit I was shocked by the speediness that I was able to get everything done and be out of the hospital. It was a truly effortless day. I am not scheduled to see the docs again until next month but I finally heard from the folks at the sleep study center and I have an appointment on the 26th. I have heard more than once it will not be a good night's sleep and I may have to do it twice. The 2nd appointment is 2 weeks after that first and then I have to see their doctor in early October. Since I was told the appointments for the nutrionist and psychologist does not occur until after those phases, in my mind I do not see myself getting a date (if its all approved..still have to keep my fingers crossed on that) until Thanksgiving or later. That actually might not be a bad idea..in fact, if possible I might even push for mid-December so I can recovery during the Xmas holidays with my family. As my title suggests, I consider the late dates to be a step back, but not like the other 2. First..the smoking thing..I would like to say I kicked it cold turkey but I have not:thumbdown:..still working on it. I have cut back to damn near nothing which is why it makes me angry when I actually smoke. I get the urge more for the "habit" reason than the physical need for nicotine since I actually went a whole day without one. It still makes me feel like crap if I have one, so the insanity of it just pisses me off. Like I said work has been a real source of stress and I took time off as a result and ended up totally falling off my wagon of small portions, good food choices and just being more active and I am SURE I have gained back at least 5 of the 8 lbs I lost. I can feel it. I feel horrible. I just lost my damn mind. I binged on all of my favorite things. Chinese food, fast food, wings, and alcohol meeting up with thin girlfriends for drinks. Horrible! And of course..like it goes..more I ate..more I got tired and less active. Yes, I am totally disgusted with myself! :thumbup: But today..is a new day..I am back in the right frame of mind. Because I understand it is truly all about how I think and IF I think about what I am doing. I simply have to get my focus back and remember my goal. I am also going to re-visit the discussion with my husband about the surgery because I certainly cannot go to the sleep study without telling him since he may be a little concerned and/or if he comes home from work and I am not in the bed. I am going to simply advise him that my point of discussion is not to get his permission or for him to agree but to give him the opportunity to go to an appointment with me and/or one of the upcoming information sessions I want to attend. I also want him to understand I would like to have his support, but with 2 supportive daughters than can help me with the physical and emotional issues that may arise, if I don't it will not deter me. It really is that simple. Please keep me in prayer.

Hi Girlfriend.. Your sense of humor about everything makings reading your blog a real joy...imagining the needle just sticking out your stomach while you took a quick nap made me chuckle. I appreciate you sharing this because I never imagined getting a fill could be problematic. I am still in my early phases but getting close. Thanks for sharing..

My life has been moving at a very fast and stressful pace the last couple of days and I did not get the opportunity to detail my first visit with the doctor this past Monday which now has become a slight blur after a day of meetings and the training of 2 new assistants. But the details are simple..the appointment was longer than expected mostly due to waiting..I saw the bariatric doctor first and she gave me a full examination and a clean bill of health to proceed with getting the procedure. That was no surprise since I have been blessed to live all these years with extra weight and none of the health problems usually associated with being obese. She asked me how much weight I was looking to lose and agreed I would be a great candidate for lapband. The nutrionist came in next and spoke with me about alot of the same things she had discussed at the seminar I attended a week before and little tips on how to "practice" what will become my new style of eating. I kinda felt like she probably did the same speel with everyone and could do it in her sleep, but like everyone on the staff, she was really nice and it probably was more me, than her feeling like there was nothing this woman could tell me about how to eat properly, the food pyramid, reading labels and exercising...I knew the rules..I just did not apply them to my life. The surgeon met with me last with his plastic stomach replica to show me how the band actually works and also touched base on my concerns about blot clots since I had a clot last year. He was very patient with my questions and made me feel at ease. The fact that I had checked him out online when my primary doctor gave me the referral, helped alot. By the time I left (3 1/2 hours later) I was exhausted and starving :biggrin: but smiling brightly because I had my appointments scheduled for the necessary tests all patients have. My sleep study was the only thing not scheduled but with another 6 weeks before I return to see the doctors, I will wait to hear from them for my appointment. On a good note...I met my angel. Despite some distractions she had that morning, she managed to meet me and sat with me while I waited to be seen. She was just as beautiful as a person as I imagined and having her there for support was truly special. She is highly opinionated on some things, but I like her spirit. On a quasi bad note..I have been smoking. Considering the fact I am doing it sans any smoking aids and for the first time ever since I started smoking at age 20, I think I am doing pretty well. I bought a pack on a very stressful morning when I couldnt "bum" one and found myself reaching for them as my stress continued. I smoked about 8-10 cigarettes a day before I decided to quit, now i have been smoking about 2-4 a day. I will not give up. I will just continue to try because I know I have had enough and have been tired of the habit for a long time. Its just been a really long and stressful work week. (and its only Wed) Its no excuse..but its the truth. On another good note..I weighed in at my appointment at 270. That was a 8 lb weight loss since I saw my doctor last month with no real effort. Just small changes to my diet and doing those little things like walking a little further and just getting off my ass. My appetite has also decreased because I have cut back but today I felt as if I really cheated myself because despite the intent to have a heatlhy lunch that I bought to work, I rushed when I finally got a chance to eat without being abel to savor my food and of course ate more than I would have when I got home for dinner if I would have been able to eat what I took to work. I am truly trying to embrace my life and I am looking forward to process ahead of me simply because I know as I complete each phase, it is just taking me closer to getting banded and the road to making positive changes in my life.