Sharon1964

I would suggest reading "The Five Love Languages", figure out your language, then TELL your husband how to speak it, and make him practice.

Have a proper sendoff! Buy a dozen in & out burgers, and hand them out to homeless people. That way, they will be put to good use.

Make sure you discuss "bipap" or "variable pap" with your sleep study doctor. They are not as difficult to adjust to as the cpap, which gives continuous pressure. The others give pressure only when you need it.
Once I had my mask adjusted to fit me correctly, I had no trouble sleeping with the machine. If the mask is too loose, then when I turn over at night the mask comes loose, the machine blows in my face, and I wake up.
Now the only time I can't use it is when I have a cold or cough.

Well, if you eat them, they're just going to go to waste. If you hand them out to the homeless people, you are giving someone a meal that would otherwise go hungry.
Maybe go volunteer at a Soup kitchen. Have you really examined your relationship with food?

Have a proper sendoff! Buy a dozen in & out burgers, and hand them out to homeless people. That way, they will be put to good use.

I told the technician the same thing. She showed me that there is a quick disconnect, to detach yourself from the machine. She told me if I woke up and had to pee, just say her name and she would come in and unhook me (there is a microphone in your room). I told her she would have about half a second to get the job done.
When I did wake up to pee, I'm not even sure I finished saying her name before she was in my room! She unclipped me, threw the wires over my shoulder, and I was in the bathroom in no time!

Have a proper sendoff! Buy a dozen in & out burgers, and hand them out to homeless people. That way, they will be put to good use.

Have a proper sendoff! Buy a dozen in & out burgers, and hand them out to homeless people. That way, they will be put to good use.

I spent some time and read all 107 pages (!!!) of this thread. You all are so inspiring! It is so wonderful to read of all of your victories. Thank you for sharing your stories.

This was my favorite part: "you tell me since the test was friend and when I walked in and I had to go to bathroom to you and for you leave so I was little so says now that was on the way home."
Congrats!

My primary care doctor has a philosophy that he doesn't care what the number is, as long as the scale in going in the direction it should be going.
I'm good with that.
Sharon
PS: Someone remind me of this when I whine (and I WILL!) about slow weight loss after my surgery, tentatively scheduled for July 2015.
PPS: I'm not saying the OP is whining by asking this, I'm saying that I will surely whine in the future.

You might want to ask the surgeon what he is going to do about the damage to your vagus nerve that he caused. If he says he didn't cause damage to your vagus nerve, insist he explain why he is of that opinion. I'm not a doctor and I don't play one on tv, but a lot of your symptoms including gastroparesis can occur after abdominal surgery if the surgeon damages the vagus nerve.
Just a thought.

I have a number of friends in very successful marriages that are open to one degree or another.
I also have a number of friends that believe you can love more than one person at a time.
I don't think this guy's marriage state has any bearing on the real issue.
Personally, I think having this coffee would only muddy the waters. You need to decide what you can live with and what you cannot, and then act accordingly. An attraction to someone else should not be a part of this decision.

I cannot believe that no one has said, "what this thread needs is pictures."
Sigh. I am so disappointed in you all.

I have a number of friends in very successful marriages that are open to one degree or another.
I also have a number of friends that believe you can love more than one person at a time.
I don't think this guy's marriage state has any bearing on the real issue.
Personally, I think having this coffee would only muddy the waters. You need to decide what you can live with and what you cannot, and then act accordingly. An attraction to someone else should not be a part of this decision.

I have a number of friends in very successful marriages that are open to one degree or another.
I also have a number of friends that believe you can love more than one person at a time.
I don't think this guy's marriage state has any bearing on the real issue.
Personally, I think having this coffee would only muddy the waters. You need to decide what you can live with and what you cannot, and then act accordingly. An attraction to someone else should not be a part of this decision.

Sorry to disappoint, but no, having the EGD and spending money doesn't mean you are approved.
Call your insurance company (look for the member services number on your insurance card) and ask them what their requirements are for weight loss surgery.
One thing I didn't see on your list which is a requirement for many insurances (or your surgeon if your insurance doesn't require it) is a psych eval.

I agree with the others, there's a whole lot going on here and you need professional help.
The one thing I would NOT do is to get married with things the way they are now.

I cannot believe that no one has said, "what this thread needs is pictures."
Sigh. I am so disappointed in you all.

I cannot believe that no one has said, "what this thread needs is pictures."
Sigh. I am so disappointed in you all.

Here is your answer, "thank you for your concern, my doctor has it covered." Then change the subject.

I agree with the others, there's a whole lot going on here and you need professional help.
The one thing I would NOT do is to get married with things the way they are now.

So I posted about my colonoscopy from earlier this week. The day before the colonoscopy, I had my psych eval. These are some of the things that we talked about during my psych eval.
Ever since I decided that "enough was enough" and I wanted to have WLS, back in November 2014, my right eyelid has been twitching. Almost constantly. It drives me crazy, but it's what happens to me when I'm stressed. I couldn't figure out what I was stressed about, but I figured it had something to do with my decision to have WLS. I have spent a lot of time since that decision really exploring my past and how I got to where I am.
I looked at pictures of my childhood, and saw that during the time my father was telling me I had to diet because I was too big, I was actually normal. I was shocked. I was shocked at how much one person could really screw you up. I thought about all of the things he did over the years, and the things that brought me to cut him off about 10 years ago and stop all contact. He is a mean, toxic person and is no longer in my life.
I also thought about the time in high school when I weighed 195 (I'm 5 ft 7 inches tall) and thinking, "well, it's okay, because I'm not 200 pounds." I remembered in my early 20's weighing 281 pounds and thinking, "well, it's okay, because I'll never weigh 300 pounds." Now all through this time period, I was still dieting, losing weight, then regaining weight when I couldn't keep up with the demands of the diet. But hey, it was okay, because I wasn't XXX pounds, right?
Then in my early 30's, I got serious (or thought I did), and dieted down to 225. I married someone who liked big women and was not supportive in my efforts to lose weight. Two years later, at 350 pounds, I got pregnant. When our daughter was two years old I left him. I continued to struggle with weight. About 5 years ago, I got on the scale and it read 397. I was shocked. There was no way in hell that I was going to let the scale read 400. I went back to my go-to plan, Atkins. I lost 75 pounds. But I couldn't keep it up, I was still emotionally eating and eating out of boredom.
But hey, it was okay, because I have tons of clothes (thank you, internet shopping), boots that fit my fat calves, and even tights that fit. There was nothing wrong with being a BIG BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, because that's what I was hearing all over the place. Accept who you are! Accept your size! That's the message I was hearing.
People couldn't believe that I was 50 years old. They would say, "you have no wrinkles" and I would respond, "that's because I'm fat - only skinny people have wrinkles." And they would laugh and I would laugh. Because it was okay to be fat, right?
In November 2014 I got on a scale and it said 403. I felt sick to my stomach. I did some soul searching. I decided to stop kidding myself and to stop accept being fat.
I told the psychologist that Fat Acceptance did me no favors. It may have done wonders for other people's self esteem, but it just enabled me to be fat. Now most of you are younger than me, and you may not remember what things were like before "FA" became a thing. There was no such thing as "BBW" - the term hadn't been invented.
I told the doc that I was afraid of failing. That I had read a post here about someone who was afraid to get rid of her fat clothes, because every other time she had done that, she had to go back and buy that same size again when she failed in her efforts to keep the weight off. I told him that I had a hard time with failure (and had been my whole life, another thing to thank my father for), and I think that was what I was really stressed about.
I poured all this stuff out to the psychologist, things I had never, ever admitted, even to myself. And it felt great.
And then my eye stopped twitching.

I feel so accomplished - I read through everything! Even the responses. So far as being supportive - You sound pretty supportive to me.
You're a therapist? I'm in mental health too... and I don't know if you've gotten yet that self care has to come first.... Heck, some days I'm not sure if I have gotten that yet. Dealing with other people's junk all day can push us to the point where we think pretty abnormal is 'normal'. What you describe ain't normal.
I was sleeved about 6 weeks ago. My husband was not objecting to it really, but not the most supportive partner either. My husband is now planning a sleeve. Let's just say our personalities are different. He asked me to line things up for him, I've started him on Vitamins to correct a few deficiencies that showed up in his blood work and increased Protein, decreased carbohydrate in prep for his meeting with his surgeon, which he had me schedule. My husband is my fifth child sometimes - but when it comes to medical things, he prefers it that way and I tolerate it.
I'm going to share a few different categories of things - you can use the title to see if you want to read the whole list:
Things I've learned about weight loss surgery.
1. Most people who have it are usually successful on a diet but have trouble maintaining.
2. One of the things they screen for in terms of the psychology work up is making sure you're selfish enough to take time to ensure you have/get/do what you need... for people who ALWAYS put others first, the self care required after surgery is unbearable and they tend to have more complications.
3. It has turned me into a scale, food, appearance obsessed narcissist. I actively try to suppress this because I don't want to upset the people around me.. but it is a fact. I obsess what I put in my mouth, my kids mouths, what my husband puts in his mouth.. just not out loud. I'm hoping this is temporary; as I have less to worry about what I eat, I worry less about what they eat.
Things I've learned about people.
1. There is a difference in a caregiver and a caretaker... I was once categorized as a care taker, and I think perhaps you are on my side of the line we can call our team, "I have the answers... why won't you just listen?!"
2. And the answer to that question... Because they don't really want my answers... they want to come up with their own. Weight watchers, the gym, a trainer... whatever works for you - he isn't listening because he didn't ask you how to lose weight, what you say is he told you he was ready to do something about his weight.
3. They think I am a know it all who doesn't hear them. Until they come up with the same answers, and then they're like - well, I should have just listened to you.
Age... maturity... wisdom... ADD medication? Has helped me temper the impulse to blurt the answer, whether someone asks me or not.
Things I've learned about marriage.
1. A selfish person does not get any less selfish.
2. The work load just gets heavier, it doesn't get distributed more equally. What you're describing is a 90/10 split. Maybe you can carry your part now... but what about when that part gets more involved?
3. Men do not change. Boring stays boring, lazy stays lazy, spendthrift stays spendthrift.
In reading your post - and many responses - it reads like you're paying him to stay with you. In my experience, he will get more expensive and you will get less value for your money. When you need him, he will not be there.
Things I've learned about sleeves and marriage:
Back to me and my husband. At first he was adamantly against surgery. Then he was ok whatever with surgery for me but remained adamantly against it for himself. Then that darling man kept complaining about his weight. And I said, "If you want the sleeve I'll be happy to support you in that."
For you, however - you said that makes an automatic negative reaction. How is that any different than when he said, "I want to do something about my weight" and you said, "Do weight watchers like me." or "Go to the gym with me." He's hearing "I'm not happy with my weight" and saying "Get a sleeve like me."
I finally told my husband, and meant it, "Baby - I love you. 200 lbs, 400 lbs, great hair or bald, sickness or health.. Yes, I think you need to lose weight. For blood pressure, for pain control, for inflammatory control - I think you need to do something about it. I will walk with you. I will cook whatever meal plan it is you want to follow..but if you're not going to watch your intake, I'm not going to listen to your weight shit. "
For the record - I only tell him what I've lost if he asks... just like everyone else, and I don't bitch about what I have to eat or don't get to eat.
His surgery consultation is a week from Tuesday. And I swear I will not eat solid food in front of him while he's on liquids and mushies.
So if you've made it to the end of my post - I second and third, you yourself need a therapist. It's amazing how much you know in your brain but don't apply in your life until one of your colleagues gently (or sometimes not so gently) points out to you that you really ought to not lay at other people's feet if you're going to get upset when they walk all over you.... or that if you feel like people aren't listening, maybe you should stop giving away your words.
I also personally and professionally think you need to have him move back into his own place and pay his own bills. He's not saving up for a future with you.
After he moves out, I'd consider couples counseling - if he suggests it.
A successful marriage requires work; if he isn't putting work forward before the marriage - it's probably less painful to just let the relationship die a quick death than 10 years from now when you're giving him half your house, paying off joint bills he ran up, and he's got your kids every other weekend and holiday and half the summer... and he's poor mouthing because he's 2 grand behind in child support.

Beware, I can be blunt.
As I read your story, my impression was that YOU were the one who was trying to control him. Don't get me wrong, the man has a boatload of issues, but that was my impression.