cadladykim

Have had my fitbit for almost a year. LOVE it. I dont think I would be as successful without it. (I'm a numbers person)
I need friends though. Please feel free to add me cadladykim@gmail.com

I'm a very curious person who sees life as a nuanced, complex experience.
But sometimes I think it just boils down to "People be crazy!"
Also, I've never had much luck trying to convince others that they're wrong. Humans seem pretty committed to being right.

I am scared for some of these newbies and the lurkers who are reading. This fear is probably a huge part of why I don't just log off permanently.

Is it just me or does the trend seem to be "I'll eat what I want when I want no matter what my surgeon says" with other people actually coddling/recommending/applauding/defending that viewpoint?
When I joined this site, I had my @ss handed to me several times (THANK GOD!!) because I wondered why (out loud) my diet was so restrictive. I wanted permission to break some rules because it was damn hard to follow them. I never did test those waters (with the exception of a Hershey's Kiss one week post op -- it tasted like I imagine licking an ashtray would) because the experienced people scared the **** out of me with talks of leaks, tears, vomiting, and the worst? BEING A FAILURE AT WLS.
Maybe because I had my surgery in my 40s -- after decades of being fat and ready for a change -- I didn't take those words as "ganging up", "bullies", or "mean girls". Maybe it was because I knew in my head that I was being a dumbass every time I whined about wanted something salty instead of sweet. Maybe because I had the self realization that "listening to my body" put me in a place where I needed WLS, so clearly listening to me was a horrible idea...

I will never forget my first WLS seminar. There was a young girl a few rows in front of me who was scheduled for surgery the next week. When we were going over the dietary stages post op, she raised her hand and told the NUT she has a bachelorette party a week after her surgery. She TOLD this woman that she WOULD be eating wings and drinking, no matter what. It was, after all, her body and her right. I would love to know what happened to her. Ideally, they took her off the surgery schedule. Most likely, she had surgery and is still obese 3 years later.

I wish great success to anyone and everyone who has WLS. The quality of life this procedure has given back to me is worth all the coookies (sic) and crackers and french fries in the world. (Even McD's -- fresh out of the fryer!!) I hope everyone gets to experience everything they want to experience in a thinner, healthier body. I would love to hear less and less stories of people who never lost or gained it all back but I fear that those stories are just going to multiply with this new mindset.

It's a shame. It's a great big DAMN shame.

I'm a totally different person. I've found my voice. I'm also freshly divorced. I am confident in my appearance and carry myself differently. I speak up now. What I wasn't prepared for was becoming the thin friend among my small circle of besties.
I'm now thinner than all three of my best friends. We're not a group, and don't see each other together, so I hadn't noticed it much. But yesterday I was walking down the street, girly shopping with my best friend, and two women were walking toward us.
Courtesy would dictate that they and we would each form single file lines so we could pass one another and all stay on the sidewalk. However, the other women kept yakking and stayed two abreast. I fell a step behind my friend. The approaching women didn't fall into single file. My friend held her ground as we walked past the women, and her shoulder bumped one of them.
As we walked on, my friend muttered, "damn if I'm walking in the grass". I said ,"huh?" My friend said, "If they expected me to move onto the grass just because I'm bigger than them, they thought wrong."
This startled me for a couple of reasons. First, I've never heard my friend talk like that. She's gained about fifty pounds (all in her hips, just like her mom is built) over the last dozen years and probably weighs about 225 at 5'6". She's never been on a diet IN HER LIFE. She's not a compulsive overeater like I am. I suppose she eats more than she needs since clearly she's got this extra weight, but she doesn't binge like I did all my life. She's always been my skinny friend. But now she outweighs me by at least forty-five pounds.
But here's the kicker. I didn't interpret those women not budging because of any judgment on their part. I just attributed it to self-absorbed, oblivious rudeness. And yet my friend concluded they were judging themselves as superior to her because of her size.
MY MIND DOESN'T GO THERE ANYMORE.
When I walk down a sidewalk I'm just another woman. Not a big woman. Not a lesser woman. Not an ashamed woman. Not an angry woman.
I was saddened and affected by my friend's comment. I wondered when she began to refer to herself as "bigger than". Because I don't remember when that happened. I was always the fat one and I was always the one who stayed home and avoided social events. My friend is still a social butterfly and is the first one on a dance floor (not me, I've got two left feet). I didn't pursue the conversation because I was at a loss for what to say. We quickly turned our attention to something shiny in a store window.
But it's been on my mind ever since.
JustWatchMe

After losing 100 lbs. I looked at myself in the mirror and had no idea who was staring back at me. I was fortunate enough to find a therapist with experience working with weight loss patients and I've been seeing her for over two years now working on getting to the heart of my issues.
As many know, the weight is a symptom of whatever our issues are. It took me such a long time to even acknowledge that for me, being fat meant I could hide the things that hurt me. Now that there's no fat to hide behind, I'm having to face those issues head on and learn how to deal with them. It's very much a work in progress so know that what you are going through, many others have gone through as well.
In my opinion, there's no way we can change our outside so drastically without changing what made us so self destructive in the first place.
If you find that you are having difficulties with all the changes, don't hesitate to speak with a professional. If you are getting the help and support you need from your husband and other loved ones, you may be able to identify your new self with time alone.

Funny story.. (kinda sad, but makes a point)
There's a guy in my office building who acts like he's God's gift. We work for separate companies, but we use the same parking lot, entrance and walkways. our businesses are close enough that we pass each other frequently.
I've worked here for 10 years - the first time he saw me (I was 310#) he did the eyeroll and promptly walked past without even acknowledging my "good morning". Doesn't even look in my direction or hold the door open for me like he does other people (even guys). It really didn't bother me because I didn't find him attractive AT ALL and his type makes me sick.
Once I decided to do WLS, I wanted to see if I could get him to notice me, so for the 6 months leading up to the surgery, I made a point to get in his face and be all "Hello!", "How are you today", "Good Morning", "Have a great day" as much as possible. Then I avoided him after surgery for over 8 months.
Fast forward to a couple months ago, I'm 10-15 from goal, and had forgotten all about him. This guy is holding the door open for me. It's snowing so I hurry past and go to my work. Next time I see him it's really nice out so I don't need a coat, and I have on nice, more form fitting cloths. He actually speaks to me and asks how long I've worked here!! So I just stop and look at him. then I eyeball him up and down, roll my eyes, turn on my heels and walk away with my head high shaking it.
"I may be fat - but you're ugly and there's no diet that can fix that"

More recently I have the question asked: "How much more weight do you want to loose?"
I have answered like this (sometimes, depending on who's asking) I look them up and down and say "I don't know how much do you weigh?"
I love the answer "one hundred and sexy" to the question "how much do you weigh now?" question!!
People suck. And the worse thing is, they don't even realize it.

More recently I have the question asked: "How much more weight do you want to loose?"
I have answered like this (sometimes, depending on who's asking) I look them up and down and say "I don't know how much do you weigh?"
I love the answer "one hundred and sexy" to the question "how much do you weigh now?" question!!
People suck. And the worse thing is, they don't even realize it.

More recently I have the question asked: "How much more weight do you want to loose?"
I have answered like this (sometimes, depending on who's asking) I look them up and down and say "I don't know how much do you weigh?"
I love the answer "one hundred and sexy" to the question "how much do you weigh now?" question!!
People suck. And the worse thing is, they don't even realize it.

More recently I have the question asked: "How much more weight do you want to loose?"
I have answered like this (sometimes, depending on who's asking) I look them up and down and say "I don't know how much do you weigh?"
I love the answer "one hundred and sexy" to the question "how much do you weigh now?" question!!
People suck. And the worse thing is, they don't even realize it.

More recently I have the question asked: "How much more weight do you want to loose?"
I have answered like this (sometimes, depending on who's asking) I look them up and down and say "I don't know how much do you weigh?"
I love the answer "one hundred and sexy" to the question "how much do you weigh now?" question!!
People suck. And the worse thing is, they don't even realize it.

If you call your insurance company, they can tell you if your plan even covers the surgeries at all, and what it will take to MAYBE get them covered. My insurance does cover all skin removal surgeries, however I have to supply documentation of debilitating infection or skin irritation from my PCP for 3-6 months (depending on the area) with photographs, and for my stomach, it also has to have caused a cellulitis infection that required antibiotics. And they won't even consider it until I am at least 6 months out from a stable weight. My bypass is on Monday so I am planning ahead.
I am a medical coder, so here are the CPT codes for the most common procedures so you can ask specifically what is covered:
15830 - panniculectomy (this is NOT a Tummy Tuck, insurance will not cover TT because it is cosmetic. This is only for skin removal, not muscle tightening or changing belly button location)
15832 - thigh lift (inner thigh)
15833 - leg lift (lower leg)
15834 - hip lift (outer thigh/hip)
15835 - buttock lift
15836 - arm lift (upper arm)
All of the "lifts" are actually termed "removal of excess skin" in the particular area. For a full lower body lift, your surgeon may combine several of the above procedures for billing. Your insurance may only cover the panniculectomy and not the butt lift, etc. For your purposes you would want to ask about 15832. They should also be able to tell you what the average price in your area is if they do not cover it. Good luck!

Funny story.. (kinda sad, but makes a point)
There's a guy in my office building who acts like he's God's gift. We work for separate companies, but we use the same parking lot, entrance and walkways. our businesses are close enough that we pass each other frequently.
I've worked here for 10 years - the first time he saw me (I was 310#) he did the eyeroll and promptly walked past without even acknowledging my "good morning". Doesn't even look in my direction or hold the door open for me like he does other people (even guys). It really didn't bother me because I didn't find him attractive AT ALL and his type makes me sick.
Once I decided to do WLS, I wanted to see if I could get him to notice me, so for the 6 months leading up to the surgery, I made a point to get in his face and be all "Hello!", "How are you today", "Good Morning", "Have a great day" as much as possible. Then I avoided him after surgery for over 8 months.
Fast forward to a couple months ago, I'm 10-15 from goal, and had forgotten all about him. This guy is holding the door open for me. It's snowing so I hurry past and go to my work. Next time I see him it's really nice out so I don't need a coat, and I have on nice, more form fitting cloths. He actually speaks to me and asks how long I've worked here!! So I just stop and look at him. then I eyeball him up and down, roll my eyes, turn on my heels and walk away with my head high shaking it.
"I may be fat - but you're ugly and there's no diet that can fix that"

Funny story.. (kinda sad, but makes a point)
There's a guy in my office building who acts like he's God's gift. We work for separate companies, but we use the same parking lot, entrance and walkways. our businesses are close enough that we pass each other frequently.
I've worked here for 10 years - the first time he saw me (I was 310#) he did the eyeroll and promptly walked past without even acknowledging my "good morning". Doesn't even look in my direction or hold the door open for me like he does other people (even guys). It really didn't bother me because I didn't find him attractive AT ALL and his type makes me sick.
Once I decided to do WLS, I wanted to see if I could get him to notice me, so for the 6 months leading up to the surgery, I made a point to get in his face and be all "Hello!", "How are you today", "Good Morning", "Have a great day" as much as possible. Then I avoided him after surgery for over 8 months.
Fast forward to a couple months ago, I'm 10-15 from goal, and had forgotten all about him. This guy is holding the door open for me. It's snowing so I hurry past and go to my work. Next time I see him it's really nice out so I don't need a coat, and I have on nice, more form fitting cloths. He actually speaks to me and asks how long I've worked here!! So I just stop and look at him. then I eyeball him up and down, roll my eyes, turn on my heels and walk away with my head high shaking it.
"I may be fat - but you're ugly and there's no diet that can fix that"

Funny story.. (kinda sad, but makes a point)
There's a guy in my office building who acts like he's God's gift. We work for separate companies, but we use the same parking lot, entrance and walkways. our businesses are close enough that we pass each other frequently.
I've worked here for 10 years - the first time he saw me (I was 310#) he did the eyeroll and promptly walked past without even acknowledging my "good morning". Doesn't even look in my direction or hold the door open for me like he does other people (even guys). It really didn't bother me because I didn't find him attractive AT ALL and his type makes me sick.
Once I decided to do WLS, I wanted to see if I could get him to notice me, so for the 6 months leading up to the surgery, I made a point to get in his face and be all "Hello!", "How are you today", "Good Morning", "Have a great day" as much as possible. Then I avoided him after surgery for over 8 months.
Fast forward to a couple months ago, I'm 10-15 from goal, and had forgotten all about him. This guy is holding the door open for me. It's snowing so I hurry past and go to my work. Next time I see him it's really nice out so I don't need a coat, and I have on nice, more form fitting cloths. He actually speaks to me and asks how long I've worked here!! So I just stop and look at him. then I eyeball him up and down, roll my eyes, turn on my heels and walk away with my head high shaking it.
"I may be fat - but you're ugly and there's no diet that can fix that"

Funny story.. (kinda sad, but makes a point)
There's a guy in my office building who acts like he's God's gift. We work for separate companies, but we use the same parking lot, entrance and walkways. our businesses are close enough that we pass each other frequently.
I've worked here for 10 years - the first time he saw me (I was 310#) he did the eyeroll and promptly walked past without even acknowledging my "good morning". Doesn't even look in my direction or hold the door open for me like he does other people (even guys). It really didn't bother me because I didn't find him attractive AT ALL and his type makes me sick.
Once I decided to do WLS, I wanted to see if I could get him to notice me, so for the 6 months leading up to the surgery, I made a point to get in his face and be all "Hello!", "How are you today", "Good Morning", "Have a great day" as much as possible. Then I avoided him after surgery for over 8 months.
Fast forward to a couple months ago, I'm 10-15 from goal, and had forgotten all about him. This guy is holding the door open for me. It's snowing so I hurry past and go to my work. Next time I see him it's really nice out so I don't need a coat, and I have on nice, more form fitting cloths. He actually speaks to me and asks how long I've worked here!! So I just stop and look at him. then I eyeball him up and down, roll my eyes, turn on my heels and walk away with my head high shaking it.
"I may be fat - but you're ugly and there's no diet that can fix that"

Me too. I think curves are healthy and beautiful. There are several "heavy" women I know that I think are gorgeous and I have always envied their looks. Personally, since childhood I have always "FELT" unattractive at any weight. I still struggle with it sometimes. It's a hard mindset to overcome when your whole life was that mindset. I drove every aspect of me. It's getting better, i can tell and my family and those that know me see the mental change too.
I just hit my 1 year anniversary last month and my kids told me that they think my attitude is better and I seem happier and they like that change the most. I think I do too.

I'm kinda in that boat. Been married going on 24 years. I was always big - always! (I'm actually 40 pounds lighter now than when we got married)
Anyway, during the 22 years prior to WLS i went from Big to Obese. He didnt like it - and it hurt our marriage that I was so overweight and I was unattractive both physically and mentally. (dont gasp yes I said that out loud and I can admit it now). I battled depression and all that comes with it, binging, bad decisions...vicious cycle. Then I snapped and said I'm doing this. I was in the process for 5 months and was getting ready to have my date scheduled before I told him. I was scared to death at what he would say. I already lost 40# pre surgery but he hadn't noticed and also didn't balk when I finally said I was doing the WLS. He was kinda supportive. At least for him. So that was good.
It's been 13+ months since surgery and he hasn't really complimented me on my loosing 150 pounds, or how I look. That hurts and I tell him that but he doesn't believe me that he hasn't, he gets mad and says he has...whatever.
He really doesn't like it when people come up to him and talk about how good I look "Doesn't she look great?" - he just shrugs.
But he does hold my hand when we are out sometimes like we used to when we were younger. He will occasionally put his arm around me when we are sitting beside each other. He hasn't done that in forever. So in his own way, maybe he likes it. But I really don't know because then he will complain that my boobs are too small and too saggy now and I have no butt...
I really think it's a catch 22 for him. He wanted me to look better, but maybe not better than him. I don't think I do and have never said otherwise to him or anyone else - maybe it's his own inner demons he has to face. I do know the better i look in public (hair makeup cloths) the more attention he pays to me - but once we get home, he completely ignores me.
Okay, therapy rant over, sorry I wasn't any help. I just think that those of us in long term relationships where the SO has seen us and accepted us at our worst - have a hard time with the new us. I think our mental states change just as drastically as the physical part of us.

My husband wasn't overly full of compliments when I lost weight. We live together, see each other every day, so I am not sure it was a dramatic change for him like it was for others. At any rate, I had my surgery in Dec. of 2013. It has taken him until now to adapt to a healthier lifestyle change himself. He is eating better, exercising, losing weight, and high-fiving me when I finish my cardio. (Which I really hate, btw)
My point is, I find him more able to give compliments as his self-esteem and health improves. That is vital.

It's all a matter of perspective. @Cervidae Made a good point, regardless of the situation, no one except you will ever know what it is like to feel the way YOU feel in the same situation.
No 2 people think exactly the same way about the same thing. 25 years ago I thought I was obese at 200 and felt horrible about myself, depressed, ugly...etc. as the years went on, I felt horrible at 250 and at 300+ and WISHING I was only 250 again or dreaming of only being 200. But that doesn't diminish how I actually felt at those other weights and how absolutely horrible I felt about myself at those times. Because in MY HEAD I might as well have been 1000# because I was the ugliest person alive and no one could understand how I felt. Ans when someone at a lesser weight would say they felt fat - sure I would get mad, thinking "If you only knew what fat was really like". But how do I know what mind demons are making them feel that way about themselves? I'm sure their feelings are just as valid as mine are.
People will think what they think and we cant waste our time getting upset about it because their perspective isn't the same as ours. Whether it's about weight or something else. Everyone's feelings matter.

Funny story.. (kinda sad, but makes a point)
There's a guy in my office building who acts like he's God's gift. We work for separate companies, but we use the same parking lot, entrance and walkways. our businesses are close enough that we pass each other frequently.
I've worked here for 10 years - the first time he saw me (I was 310#) he did the eyeroll and promptly walked past without even acknowledging my "good morning". Doesn't even look in my direction or hold the door open for me like he does other people (even guys). It really didn't bother me because I didn't find him attractive AT ALL and his type makes me sick.
Once I decided to do WLS, I wanted to see if I could get him to notice me, so for the 6 months leading up to the surgery, I made a point to get in his face and be all "Hello!", "How are you today", "Good Morning", "Have a great day" as much as possible. Then I avoided him after surgery for over 8 months.
Fast forward to a couple months ago, I'm 10-15 from goal, and had forgotten all about him. This guy is holding the door open for me. It's snowing so I hurry past and go to my work. Next time I see him it's really nice out so I don't need a coat, and I have on nice, more form fitting cloths. He actually speaks to me and asks how long I've worked here!! So I just stop and look at him. then I eyeball him up and down, roll my eyes, turn on my heels and walk away with my head high shaking it.
"I may be fat - but you're ugly and there's no diet that can fix that"

@@salmon77 sadly too many of us are familiar with how you are feeling. Words bite and the emotional toll they take on us through out our lives is great.
My mother was a heavy woman, I never knew her to be slim figured. She was always obsessed with her weight and eating. I was a very thin child, and I hated to eat. In fact Breakfast lunch and dinner times were often the worst times of the day for me. They always involved some kind of argument about me not wanting to eat or not finishing the food on my plate. All of these things and more created scars in my emotional psyche.
My mother died when I was 26 years old from a brain tumor. I don't think she ever realized how damaged she was as a person when it related to her own sense of self esteem and self worth, and how she pushed her issues onto me. As I grew up those words and deeds stuck in my mind and in my head, and soon I was battling my own demons.
I was the overweight mother calling her 10 year old son Super Chunk! Telling him he was fat and lazy and he needed to get up off his duff and move or he was going to be fat as a house! My middle son was overweight as young boy, but OMG did I just say those things to him and when did I turn into my mother?!
Right there I caught myself and put a stop to that! If I had to be like my mother let me find the good things about her and not the negative ones. My children didn't need to have my issues revisited upon them.
When I reflect on life, I can clearly see how I became overweight, how I became obese and why. I know we all blame our parents...but in this mine have some responsibility because they were never evolved enough to see that their issues weren't mine it was theirs.
Thankfully I was able to break that cycle and while my older son's battle the bulge they do so in a healthy way. They are slightly overweight but they are not obese and when they find their pants are a bit snug they know they need to cut back on the overindulgence rein it in and get a bit more active. They keep a balance to life I still struggle to find with my own, but I do have peace of mind that my struggle is mine and I didn't whip them into obesity with it.

There are many aspects to a person - character, ethics, morals, thought patterns, behavior, insecurities... just many layers.
I would argue that due to better thought patters, better overall health, fewer insecurities, less physical pain, it is has made more room for the good things. It is hard to be genuine in your everyday life when you don't like who you are at that moment. It is hard to be forgiving and giving if you don't completely believe in your own worth and worthiness. It is hard to feel joy for other people when your own pain is so encompassing
Very few people have the courage to actually tell you the truth. I have an aquantaince from a barn I used to keep my horse at. She told me a truth that I recognize. When I was obese, I was always polite and respectful, would chat and be friendly in a superficial way.... but there was always a wall. After I lost weight, she told me that I put out this energy that made people just want to be with me, to feel some of that. I thought about what she said, and she is right... a wall that I had constructed over a lifetime started coming down. Due to my basic outgoing and extroverted personality, I think in some ways it was a bit of an untruth to be so guarded whilst being superficially friendly and outgoing. I feel like I am much more the real me now.

Three years out and my posts have started to shift to living and observing life as a thin person and not focused on what to eat/not eat, what I weight..etc.
Yesterday I had an encounter that would have meant nothing to someone always thin, but reminds me constantly that I am not the same person I was. I don't mean that my moral compass has shifted, or that my personality is vastly different...or possibly it is.
I was at the market yesterday and bumped into another shopper. Happens all the time in NYC markets...they are very tight as is everything in NYC. I apologized and the woman laughed and said, 'hey, this in Manhattan...nothing we can do about it.'. I agreed with her and moved on and then realized this would not have happened when I was obese. I would have still apologized but my eyes would have been down and I'd have scurried away as soon as possible.....because it would have been my fault that we collided. How does an obese woman not get in other people's space when she takes up more than her share? Now times that by a thousand because of how we live here in the city.
The old Liz would have been so embarrassed but this new, normal sized Liz wasn't even thinking that way...I was only apologizing as anyone would have done. And then I allowed a bit of small talk after that encounter that would have never happened before either.
We really need to admit that when we lose so much weight, we do become different people. Both internally and externally. I was on a girls weekend recently with long time friends and likely due to the amount of alcohol flowing, we got silly and sentimental. I heard many times, how inspirational my story is. How I changed my life around. How I was always a great person before, but I simply glow these days. I found it embarrassing but I understood it was complementary and I just had to suck it up while they went on and on.
Don't tell me that doesn't change a person because it does.

My temper wouldn't tolerate most of these comments. I'm too pretty for jail, so I'm glad I kept my surgery to myself.