My Bariatric Life

I am reading a book by Dr. Judith Orloff, cited below. I find her perspective interesting as she combines psychology and spirituality, and speaks to the concepts of soul mates and unconditional love. She writes, "In your life, I urge you to keep checking in with your intuition about decisions. Never defer to opinions about whom you ought to love or be... So, in your search for a soul mate, practice defining what you want, then practice letting go of your attachments to those requirements, an excellent exercise in surrender. Set your intention, then release it— a tactic much different from obsessing or trying too hard to make something happen. You’ll get the hang of intuitively knowing when to lean into the right relationships instead of trying to force people to be what they’re not or having unrealistic expectations. Attaining such balance enhances the dance of intimacy." Instead, how many couples have we seen like this: Dr. Orloff writes, "I've treated longtime couples who aren’t soul mates but remain together out of loyalty, convenience, or inertia. It feels like a breach, “too much trouble,” or “too scary” to change, disrupt their routine, or work on restoring passion. They may care about each other, have children and a social network, and have day-to-day lives that function well. In addition, resisting change is often associated with the fear of being alone, of never finding a partner who’s a better match. Or negative patterns such as abuse and low self-worth keep them hooked into destructive relationships. It’s too big a leap to trust that the universe will bring them someone better, much less someone spectacular." Orloff, Judith Md (2014-04-01). The Ecstasy of Surrender: 12 Surprising Ways Letting Go Can Empower Your Life (p. 160). Potter/TenSpeed/Harmony. Kindle Edition.

I eat PALEO and do not eat red meat, so fast food is virtually impossible for me. And I am thankful for that. But there are a few options when I am in a bind. In and Out burger (not sure if they offer a turkey burger) and Jimmy Johns subs will serve their sandwiches wrapped in lettuce rather than bread. I order double meat at Jimmy Johns. Chipotle has a few nice salad options and several items are organic. I order the chicken fajita salad and hold the Beans and cheese and double up on the chicken. Carrying dried fruit and nuts and canned fish or chicken in the glove box of your car also are fast foods in an emergency.

After my transformation (see video) from plastic surgery following massive weight loss, I went through an identity crisis. I looked back at my pre-bariatric surgery photos from 2003 and no longer identified with that person. I gazed at my new and improved reflection in the mirror and wondered who “she” wanted to be. So I set out to find myself, and in doing so, I found love. I gained True Love for myself and others. I learned What Love is Not. And I grew fascinated with understanding the Soul Relationships in my life. If you are on the path to find your self after weight loss, then may this series of articles be helpful guideposts along your journey. We lightly explored the spiritual and sexual aspects of soul mate and twin flame relationships in Soul Relationships part 1. In part 2 we’ll explore how to recognize soul love and the purpose of the . Attraction is a curious thing. We can meet someone who has all the right qualities we seek in a mate, and yet not be attracted to him in the least bit. Less frequently, we meet someone and are physically attracted to him and an emotional attraction develops as we get to know him. Even less frequently, we meet someone and quickly we are drawn to him physically and emotionally, even though we do not yet know him deeply. The emotional attraction even may happen before the physical attraction, and can be very powerful. There is a recognition. When you feel this strong urge to enter into a relationship with someone, that’s soul love. If you’re in a true soul connection, you and your twin will truly love each other more than you’ve ever loved before. You love each other’s soul in a pure spiritual way and that love has existed before you even met. If the twins are not spiritually awake enough to welcome these loving feelings that consume them almost daily, then they may cause fear. Fear, insecurity, and doubt can be terrifying — a love that’s so powerful you begin to fear it because you’ve no control. You fear getting hurt. But you love her and you cannot help but to draw her near. You don’t understand these feelings, its as if she’s put a spell on you. You might analyze the relationship to death and come up with all the reasons why not to follow your heart’s desire. Or you may doubt her love (it’s not her fault, it’s your insecurity). You may push her away, by cutting her out of your life. Remember, each twin always feels what the other is feeling. So she may question your love and test you to see if you truly love her. Both twins are being forced to evaluate what their love is, and what it should be. There will be a crisis, or series of crisis, and this part of the process is very painful. The commitment level of both twins on the validity of their unconditional love is being put to the test. They are flooded with an emotional hurricane and eventually one or both twins withdraw from the other. This in turn, causes one twin to chase the other, and is an equally painful experience. The purpose here is to teach the twins that the Universe is in command and it is time to put their destiny into Its hands and release control. This surrender begins a powerful healing process. The quickest way through is to release pain, fears, judgement, and control to the Universe and send your twin unconditional love if you want her to come back. If she feels your anger she will stay away. If this is you, then you join a huge group of people who have experienced the inexplicable, "What the heck is going on?" Do not worry, just have faith and trust. This relationship is under Divine protection and all will be revealed and harmonized in the end. The Universe has brought the twins together because the time is right. Once you both grow to new levels of spiritual consciousness you will be reunited in the physical. Unconditional love is key to growing through that which challenge us most. That’s our Soul’s purpose—to learn and grow. When we do, we ascend to our higher consciousness. Our soul relationships trigger our issues precisely so we grow into our highest self, we lose our egos and love unconditionally. Unconditional love is what makes the twin flame union work. All feelings are derivatives of love or fear. To grow simply means we transform experiences of fear into experiences of love. We grow by consciously committing to unconditional love, each and every day. Choosing love means we see people (including ourselves) beyond their mistakes. We focus on the good in someone rather than the bad. We see the potential in our mates even when they cannot see it within themselves. We work through our “stuff.” We are kind, compassionate, understanding, and forgiving, even when it's hard to do. Both twins must accept that what is destined will be no matter what. Don’t be under the illusion that you can somehow circumvent this process. You are not the orchestrator of the Universe. The only thing your procrastination will accomplish is to prolong the hell that accompanies the Twin Flame Process and delay bliss. Your free will is not powerful enough to override it. That’s because the twin soul union has a Divine purpose. The Twin Flame journey is immensely deep and sacred. As the twins’ egos die completely the Divine force and destined events happen. Each twin experiences an awakening and Divine light and love radiates from them. You ask, “What was I thinking to run away from him" as both twins experience flashes of insight that ignites their spirituality and unconditional love. Together the twins have extraordinary power to heal, and this is their Divine purpose. The Twin Flame connection is beyond words, beyond time and beyond the ego. It has a destiny of it’s own, and is written in the stars. You can’t control it, you can only surrender to it. The Twin Flame Reunion may not adhere to your mind’s or society’s ideas of what is ‘normal’ within relationship paradigms, but remember we are in the midst of a global shift in energy that requires a new way of thinking about how life, and love, works. Please always listen to your own intuitive knowing about your twin flame, and don’t discount what you feel. You have the power to create or destroy your future. Our beliefs and desires manifest for us and reveal the key to nurturing love and joy in your lives.

My point of view is that naturally carbonated mineral water counts.

You were Enlightened at a much earlier age than I was! I'd never heard of conditional love until I watched this documentary. Its very freeing to love myself and other people unconditionally. It is very peaceful.

Good luck to you, JWM! I am on that path, as well. Some of the resources I've used that have been helpful to me are listed in my opinion piece, True Love, on BariatricPal. Perhaps there's something there that will resonate with you. Wishing you a lifetime of true love!

Ann, I looked at the Wiki entry... I believe in integrative medicine, also known as complementary medicine, but I do not believe in alternative medicine for treating serious diseases. I also caution anyone from taking medical advice from a non-medical professional. Null's views here more than likely fall into my category of "leave the rest." Thanks again.

Yes, Ann, I think I am and I include my relationship with my self in with that. Thanks. The views expressed, not all of which are Gary Null's but other educators as well, have certainly opened my eyes to what love is and isn't. What I found most helpful was this segment on what love is not. And why that is, is because I'd made the commitment to unconditional love recently. So much of my focus has been in understanding what love is and how to manifest it, that I never considered looking at what love is not. This was incredible insight for me into my self and my relationships past and present... not only in how I receive love but also how I express it. I truly enjoyed the documentary and highly recommend it. I am not familiar with Gary Null outside of this film. If he has quack ideas on HIV (I haven't clicked through the link but I will) I do not feel that negates his views or the views of the other clinicians expressed on love. Like all things, I believe in take what you need and leave the rest. I just finished the book, Return to Love by Marianne Williamson. There were many passages that I highlighted and will refer to in the future. There also were passages which upon reading I did the eye roll. What I mean by take what you need and leave the rest means that I filter information in order to make the best decisions possible for myself. Thanks again.

Never surrender to love because its not love you are surrendering to. Anyone who wants you to surrender your authentic self is manipulating you. This is what love is not. With Valentine's Day just behind us it is a good time to take stock of our relationships. What follows is a synopsis of "what love is not" from the documentary film LOVE with Gary Null, Ph.D. You may watch LOVE on Amazon. Manifesting unconditional love requires two steps. First you must be aware of and step away from your conditioned negative response. Next you must proactively step into self actualizing love. Self actualization of love means you cannot say “I love you” and do something negative. Have you been in a situation where someone says love and then they are hypercritical or judgmental of you, or in someway made you feel obligated? No matter how many times someone says the word love, this is not love. Anyone who does this is not sharing love. The person is trying to control you by making you feel bad. As in “I did this for you and now you owe me.” That is a condition placed around love. You can’t owe someone love. It is not a commodity. You cannot barter it. No heart breaks when a person is manifesting love. Hearts break when the needs that are conditional are not being met. Watch how many times you can do something wonderful to a human being, with a human being, for a human being, and things are great until you stop. Watch how quickly that person comes at you. How many times have you done something for someone out of love and when you stopped they threw it back at you? Love is not one person demeaning another and expecting the other person to abdicate, so that person comes back and they share love. You are not sharing love when someone does something negative. When someone says something negative, when someone does something negative, it is not love that they are manifesting or sharing. It is a dark side conditional need in their own tortured and perverse way that they are making judgments against you so that you will surrender to them. Never surrender to love because its not love you are surrendering to. Anyone who wants you to surrender your authentic self is manipulating you. This is what love is not. And when people do surrender to have the relationship, or what they think is important in the relationship, they are going to find one day they wake up and wonder “Geez, why in the world am I feeling this way?” “Why are you speaking this way?” “Why are you doing this?” That is because the relationship had nothing to do with love. We have lost our self in the relationship, in the other person. This is not an organic, mature relationship. It has taken over our life in some sense. And then we really don’t know who we are. It is about the reflection of the other. Its always important when we love someone else to have that reflection and understanding and see a mirror of ourselves through the other. But we should not merge into them. Some of us have been mis-programmed and really cannot respond appropriately to the concept of love and harmony and beauty in the world we live in. These programs are downloaded into our subconscious and are like tapes that we play over and over. The conscious mind can override the subconscious mind. The conscious mind is the creative mind, where our dreams, desires, wishes, and ambitions are made. Unfortunately the conscious mind operates about 5% of the time and most of us are going about our day unconsciously operating from programs that have been prerecorded in our minds, things like “not good enough” or “you don’t matter” or “I am a failure." For personal empowerment we need to emphasize our conscious mind so as to overcome the subconscious. Our biggest opportunity for growth is to correct the mis-programming of our youth and put into our lives much more loving, healthy, harmonizing programs. We can reprogram the subconscious mind using the conscious mind. Suggested further reading is my opinion piece True Love on BariatricPal. See all articles by My Bariatric Life.

I am 50 years old and only several months ago did I realize that I loved myself. I hadn't known that I hadn't loved myself... that it until I really loved myself. There were so many parts of me that I kept hidden, due to embarrassment, or fear of rejection, or fear of being judged. Plastic surgery turned out to be freeing for me in so many ways. I put all of me out there now without any hesitation because I am secure in who I am... and that comes from self love. And finally, finally I can look back at old photos of myself morbidly obese and love that person I was, and feel compassion for her rather than disgust and shame. I am proud of how I have turned my health and my life around. And what life lessons I have gotten from that have helped me to then share that message with other people and inspire them to take control of their health and their lives. I have been told to investigate NLP. Might you recommend a good book on it? Thanks!

Yup... I let fear hold me back. I put off the WLS for years. It turned out that it saved my life. I guess that I did not learn my lesson of allowing fear hold me back because I put off my plastic surgery for 6 or 7 years. It turned out to be the best thing I ever did for myself. After my plastic surgery I vowed never to let fear hold me back from doing what I want to do (or say). And I am honoring that commitment. I have been living life fully doing things I never would have done in the past. I always say that I am a size 2 and living larger than ever! Live a life you love. Love the life you live.

It occurred to me today that I chose to be obese. It really is a choice. So is recovery.

Hahaha, I guess in my "former life" if you will (obese) these were my soul mates, especially PBJ.

Once we master our physical appetites we then begin to change the way we relate to ourselves and others. We are in a great transitional period. Our old way of being that was deeply entrenched in us was fearful. There is an awakening after obesity. We experience true living. Our lives can, in fact, be Heaven on Earth. Once we master our physical appetites we then begin to change the way we relate to ourselves and others. We move into higher levels of consciousness as our in-dwelling Souls (true self) take dominion over our once unbridled appetites (the ego) of the physical life. There is an awakening after our crisis (obesity, dis-ease). This higher part of us also then starts to develop a new understanding of how to rightly relate to the outer world, and resources (food), and to people. We are in a great transitional period. Our old way of being that was deeply entrenched in us was fearful. With this clearing of the mind (from a selfish consumption-driven life) we realize we have a piece of the answer, insight into a joyful Soul-driven life in which we experience true living by relying on our inner guidance rather than dogma and giving and receiving love unconditionally. Our focus will be on making our lives Heaven on Earth with the Spiritual purpose to serve all humanity. I am excited to bring my best forward. Destiny I believe in Teilhard de Chardin’s philosophy that we are Spiritual beings living a human existence. We existed in Spiritual form before we were born into our physical bodies. Our Souls, our true selves, are eternal. Our Soul is a part of the Divine, here to experience this life and its lessons. Our physical world reality exists for Spiritual growth. We are here to play and experience as much as we can. We are here to grow. For this purpose, Soul Mates have made agreements while in the Spiritual form to find each other in the physical world. Be it to clear up karma, complete unfinished business, or accomplish a particular goal together, these relationships are destined. Soul Mate Relationships During the first few meetings Soul Mates feel in some way connected, familiar or drawn to one another. It just feels different with this person. There is an instant affinity. Often the person or the situation has an emotional "charge" to it. The more intimate the relationship the larger the opportunity we are given to learn and grow. Soul Mate relationships are mirrors for us to learn more about ourselves. Some relationships are a joy to be in. This allows us to have a glimpse at who we could be, if we wanted to. This person is usually someone that we idealize and put on a pedestal. Some relationships challenge us and take work. Self understanding is the reason for these mirrors, not to ‘fix’ the other person, but to look at ourselves. This mirror is hard to look at; it reflects the things we’ve not yet finished in our karma. These are the things that we are most blind to. If we miss this opportunity, we’ll experience the same type of problem over and over again until we learn the loving lessons that are being presented to us. Though the life experience often feels otherwise, these lessons are always blessings and for our growth and fulfillment. Soul Mate relationships can be beautiful. They may be a married couple or true friends without any sexual involvement. Relationships may last a lifetime or only temporary for a particular purpose. De Chardin said, “Love alone is capable of uniting living beings in such a way as to complete and fulfill them, for it alone takes them and joins them by what is deepest in themselves.” The love between Soul Mates is very intense and strong. They, however, must learn to develop unconditional love and place the wants and needs of the other above his or her own (self-sacrifice). This love energy between Soul Mates only can be surpassed by the love between Twin Flame Souls. You may have several Soul Mates in a lifetime but each of us has only one Twin Flame (Twin Soul). Twin Flame Unions The Twin Flames’ sexual energies are immensely powerful and more profound than in any other relationship. This is not an ordinary relationship and it does not adhere to the ordinary rules. The act of love is dreamlike, it is electric, it is Heaven — the divine union of masculine and feminine energy — and will go on for hours. Twin Flame relationships are very different and very rare for they are two halves of the same soul. Attachment and longing for their union is ever-present in the subliminal consciousness. And the incessant throbbing of desire and deep-rooted love for the other Twin is never far beneath the subconscious. They go to great lengths to make the other Twin happy and secure even to one’s own detriment. The Twin’s happiness must be above one’s own. Inevitably there is infliction of pain, it is part of the Twin Flame process. This emotional conflict is almost unbearable, because they are Twins each feels precisely the same feelings as the other, so to hurt the other is to hurt oneself. There should be no blame here – only deep and unconditional love. Approach any disagreements with patience and love and compassion. One does not love the other despite the other’s faults; one loves the other for the other’s faults as much as for the other’s virtues. There is no room for judgment in Twin Soul pairings. Theirs is nothing less than Divine love. It is a relationship of such magnitude that others may not understand it, but will envy it. An energy that is beyond their control seems to pass from one to the other. This is both Twins recognizing each other at the soul level although most are not consciously aware they are Twin Flames. There will be synchronous and inexplicable events surrounding the union, and the Twins’ meeting may occur at a seemingly inconvenient time. Quite often one may be in an emotionally unfeeling marriage whilst the other is in a controlling and abusive one. Both can feel trapped. The Twins swing back and forth in a painful “twin flame dance” connecting then withdrawing. They long to hold and touch each other. They can’t stop thinking or fantasizing about one another. Yet they’re frightened to lose each other — they may fear being rejected or that their intense feelings may be one-sided. There may be other obstacles; the relationship may be judged inappropriate by moral precepts, such as a wide discrepancy in age. However Twin Flames are able to defy all laws that apply to this physical realm. Destiny has brought these two together at the perfect time, under the right circumstance. It is fated. Inevitably the two are torn apart and separated. This can be confusing if they do not understand the divine purpose of this separation. It is one of the 7 stages through which the Twin Flame Relationship must pass. Learning to have patience and not forcing the relationship is part of the Twin Flame process. Synchronicity is at work here to bring the two back together to fulfill their destiny. Once they’ve grown in Spirit, balanced their karma and love unconditionally so that they are whole within themselves, the Twin Flames join in a soul partnership deeper and more powerful than anything ever imagined. The only thing, in fact, that can keep the Twins apart is themselves. Continue to Soul Relationships, part 2.

That's probably self recrimination...

A big part of our identity feels lost...

Thanks for your comment, Stevehud. I am glad that you have found a soulmate. The crux of my opinion piece is about coming to love yourself unconditionally. It is only then, when you love and accept your authentic self, that you are able to truly love anyone else. Only recently have I come to the awareness that I did not love myself. I certainly thought I did. But it was not until I did the "inner work" that I came to realize love of self and was no longer ashamed of the obese person I once was (12-yrs ago). I released all the blame and shame and loved myself unconditionally -- who I was then and who I am now and all that I will be in the future. I had worked for so long to transform my physical self (outer self) after weight loss surgery but I never did the inner work to find myself. Switching topics, if you believe in the concept of soulmates, which is someone who comes into our lives to help us grow (sometimes they are with us for a moment in time and sometimes for an entire lifetime), then you also may be interested in twin flame or twin soul relationships. Peace.

I grew up with a romanticized notion of love: One day my prince would come and life would be perfect. I still have my vision of him: A big, tall, dark and handsome dominate male, the stallion, who would rescue me, worship my feminine traits, but not possess me (except in the bedroom). Aside from the attributes in parenthesis, my fantasy man came straight from the Disney Princess movies of my childhood. Love is the deepest and most fulfilling connection to the world. Yet it is sadly ironic that most of us don’t know what love is. Storybook Love I grew up with a romanticized notion of love: One day my prince would come and life would be perfect. I still have my vision of him: A big, tall, dark and handsome dominate male, the stallion, who would rescue me, worship my feminine traits, but not possess me (except in the bedroom). Aside from the attributes in parenthesis, my fantasy man came straight from the Disney Princess movies of my childhood. That’s not true love, although I admit I still long for this fantasy man of my dreams. Thanks a lot, Disney. I’ve been “in love” a few times. I met John when I was 15 years old. He taught me what it was to be loved. John was my protector, my knight in shining armor who rescued his princess many times. Joe was three-years older than me. He swept me off my feet on his white horse (a Chevelle) and ultimately shattered my illusion of love. And then there was Bob who cherished me. He called me his beautiful Czechoslovakian doll and wrote me poetry. Bob is the closest I’ve come to my Prince Charming and I married him when I was 19 years old. But life has not been perfect. There are two other men I have loved but our relationships were never consummated. My storybook love ideal caused pain in these relationships. I was looking for someone else to make me feel complete, to satisfy all my needs, to make my life perfect. These precious men truly were deserving of my love. But I did not know how to love myself. And I did not know how to love them. That’s not true love. That was me being selfish. Truth is, I ultimately shattered my illusion of love, not Joe. It took me a long time to understand that love is an “inside job.” Finding Myself Decades pass and thorough them I go from fit to overweight to obese, then back to overweight and finally back to fit. And it was not until recently that I was able to love the person who was: That obese woman who used to look back at me in the mirror. Late last year I began a spiritual journey toward finding myself. I believe this important step in our transformation after weight loss is often overlooked. It took a series of catastrophes within relationships with people who were very important to me, to bring me to my knees and ask “what is the meaning of all this?” Fate delivered a spiritual guide to me. I stumbled a lot at first. Jen, a weight-loss surgery/plastic surgery friend, during our interview about love after obesity told me “change requires being open to being guided and looking for the lessons and messages in that guidance.” I remained open to the messages the universe was sending. I kept searching for what I was supposed to learn. I counseled with Rev. Mark, who also is a metaphysician, one of the most enlightened spiritual leaders I’ve met; I read a few books (good read: Return to Love) and countless articles; I did guided meditation and visualization; I did the course on YouTube and journaled; I watched documentaries (good watch: Love); I prayed (and still do) for the Holy Spirit (G_d's love) to allow me to see only through the eyes of love. And around Christmas my heart was broken open. That's when miraculous experiences began to happen. I reacquainted myself with my spirituality and my philosophy on life from a time long ago when my heart was filled only with love. It was the time before I became overweight and had used food to insulate my quiet inner voice of love from the frantic assault of the outside world. Finding True Love Finding true love is an inside job, means we must establish a sense of wholeness and intimacy within ourselves, first. Once I had unconditional love for myself, I was able to stop beating myself up for past failures. I was able to love me even though I made mistakes. And then… I was able to love others even though they made mistakes; even though they did not live into my fantasy of Prince Charming. I saw past the shell of these men and recognized their love given me through acts of service, gifts of quality time, and physical touch (good read: The 5 Love Languages). I was able to see the love given me because I had accepted myself as someone who could be loved. Previously I had seen myself as unlovable and therefore had doubted and tested the love given me. I saw their vulnerabilities and their faults and accepted these men just as they were, without judgement of how I thought they should be. Loving your idealized image of someone until they disappoint you with who they really are is not true love. That’s possessive love: I love you but only if you behave in the way in which I think you should be. That’s love with strings attached. I was able to love them with their flaws because I had accepted the flaws within myself. I was able to see their pain and how they had been hurt by me, whereas in the past I only could experience my pain and how they had hurt me. In doing so, I experienced what it is to love unconditionally, to experience self sacrifice for the good of another. Rev. Mark told me that is the deepest love there is. He called it soul love. The Resurrection of Love I had been reaching outside myself to men for the wholeness and intimacy that I was missing inside myself. Before expecting to find wholeness and intimacy externally, we must love ourselves as we are rather than trying to find someone to make us feel complete, to fix us, or to be who we want them to be rather than who they are. That is not what love is about. Every person in the world was born with the same incredible gift: the ability to love oneself and others unconditionally. We can resurrect that love at any point in our lives. I believe that forming a loving connection with another person (not necessarily a sexual relationship) is one of the most rewarding of life’s experiences and a crucial step in our growth into wholeness. If you don't know how to do that, how to really love someone else, then you will ultimately shatter the love that you have with anyone else, including with your mate. According to Maddisen K. Krown, M.A., “When we establish this awareness and loving connection, we establish a wholeness and intimacy with ourselves, which will very likely be projected and reflected back to us by others in the form of the loving, whole, and intimate relationships we have always longed for.” What have you done to discover true love of self after weight loss? Please share your story in the comment section below. Want more love? Read about soul mates and twin flames in Soul Relationships or learn to manifest your heart's desire in No Fear. No Regrets. Living larger than ever, My Bariatric Life Visit My Bariatric Life on MyBariatricLife.org,Flickr, Vimeo, Twitter, Google+ View my Borne Appétit recipe collection on Pinterest