Angelica

Done and Done =)

Hey Ladies =) Okay, so today was supposed to be my offical countdown of walking at 100 miles before my one year anniversary. Didnt happen. My best friend got busted for Shoplifting (what the hell was she thinking?!?) and instead I spent the entire day dealing with her kiddos and coming up with bail money (which my boyfriend gave me to save up for a car, so she had better return it) I'm a little stressed out about the whole thing, and I didnt follow one rule today, ate around the band, and had all sorts of sodas and Cookies, and I know, I sabotaged myself because I couldnt deal with my emotions. I seems like everyone is sick these days. I have had viral bronchitis for about a week now, and its not horrible, because its helped me quit smoking (again, its going to stick this time, I am trying to use Abrahams law and will it into existance here). So I hope everyone else is feeling better, because I am hoping to be over this by next Wednesday. It was stressful to say the least. I dont care who screws up their lives tomorrow, I dont care how needy my boyfriend is, I dont care who is pulling me in what direction. I am getting some walking in under my belt tomorrow if it KILLS me. -A

=) Okay, so, things are good. Lets play catchup: I got a boyfriend, he moved in, we're in love, things are awesome. Hes HUGE. Like six foot four, makes me feel safe, makes me feel SMALL. He told me I was tiny the other day =) His name is Raul, and I had dated him before, but it fell apart for various reasons, and now its back on. I'm happy. My bestie ray and I arent besties anymore. He did something really vile, and I cant talk about it, because I am still moving through the stages of dealing with it. Once I own it and its mine, I will be more willing to discuss. I still have issues, but my fill is strong, and my band is helping me. I have lost about 50-55 lbs (I never weigh myself) and i am down to a size 20 in jeans, and like a 14/16 in tops. I have a small butt, and thin legs, but that big stupid gut. I hate it =( I am moving along steadily. I just keep eating better, and fixing my attitude, and I feel like I am doing well, its been 10 months, almost, I'd like to lose a total of 75 lbs the first year and 50-65 the second year. I feel like its a feasible realisitic goal. I learned that you dont always have to rush everything. I've got to look up the prices of tailors, I need to have my pants tailored, so that I can actually fit into them. The legs of my pants are so big and sloppy, but the waist fits. Its sort of a cycle I guess. I will have them tailored. I am still plugging away at the same job. Its fine. Its not fantastic, but my insurance company is going to pay for my skin removal after I lose 100 pounds, and I am having my accessory breast tissue (side boobs, hot pockets, little bunches of grossness in my armpits) and my pannus removed hopefully in January after six months. My first consult with the plastic surgeon is on the 26th, and I am exicted and nervous. Its so hard to work out, because I get this terrible rash on the pannus, and on top of that, its always flip flopping everywhere like a dead fish. Gross. Chop that shit off. I'm sick now, with something in my lungs, its hideous. I have been sick since last Monday, but the doctor told me it was viral bronchitis and I couldnt take any antibiotics for it. The truth is, I dont know if I want to take antibiotics anymore because I feel like my body needs to stand up for itself I stopped smoking, which i know is part of the reason why I am STILL sick. I know that your lungs move all sorts of gross stuff up when you quit smoking, and I expect to be sick for a while, so I am just trying to grin and bear it, because smoking is really kinda lame. I never realized how much I stunk. :w00t: -A :tt2:

=) Okay, so, things are good. Lets play catchup: I got a boyfriend, he moved in, we're in love, things are awesome. Hes HUGE. Like six foot four, makes me feel safe, makes me feel SMALL. He told me I was tiny the other day =) His name is Raul, and I had dated him before, but it fell apart for various reasons, and now its back on. I'm happy. My bestie ray and I arent besties anymore. He did something really vile, and I cant talk about it, because I am still moving through the stages of dealing with it. Once I own it and its mine, I will be more willing to discuss. I still have issues, but my fill is strong, and my band is helping me. I have lost about 50-55 lbs (I never weigh myself) and i am down to a size 20 in jeans, and like a 14/16 in tops. I have a small butt, and thin legs, but that big stupid gut. I hate it =( I am moving along steadily. I just keep eating better, and fixing my attitude, and I feel like I am doing well, its been 10 months, almost, I'd like to lose a total of 75 lbs the first year and 50-65 the second year. I feel like its a feasible realisitic goal. I learned that you dont always have to rush everything. I've got to look up the prices of tailors, I need to have my pants tailored, so that I can actually fit into them. The legs of my pants are so big and sloppy, but the waist fits. Its sort of a cycle I guess. I will have them tailored. I am still plugging away at the same job. Its fine. Its not fantastic, but my insurance company is going to pay for my skin removal after I lose 100 pounds, and I am having my accessory breast tissue (side boobs, hot pockets, little bunches of grossness in my armpits) and my pannus removed hopefully in January after six months. My first consult with the plastic surgeon is on the 26th, and I am exicted and nervous. Its so hard to work out, because I get this terrible rash on the pannus, and on top of that, its always flip flopping everywhere like a dead fish. Gross. Chop that shit off. I'm sick now, with something in my lungs, its hideous. I have been sick since last Monday, but the doctor told me it was viral bronchitis and I couldnt take any antibiotics for it. The truth is, I dont know if I want to take antibiotics anymore because I feel like my body needs to stand up for itself :thumbup: I stopped smoking, which i know is part of the reason why I am STILL sick. I know that your lungs move all sorts of gross stuff up when you quit smoking, and I expect to be sick for a while, so I am just trying to grin and bear it, because smoking is really kinda lame. I never realized how much I stunk. :smile2: -A :tongue2:

ugh, i ate a snickers bar over the course of the day, but I did manage to avoid the soda. So far, thats been it, when I get home, it'll probably be vegetables with ground turkey (I'm trying only to eat solids, and not drink before or after the meal, you know the deal) I really like my job, but Jesus Christ, why are they always passing out candy, and why do I always give into it? My boyfriend and I had an arguement about this last night, he took the opprotunity to tell me that generally addicts are self involved people who have never been denied anything, and subsequently, they dont know how to deny anything to themselves. Most of the time hes really a calm patient guy, but I guess hes on his little weight loss trip (at six foot, four inches, and 230 lbs, how much more weight is this dude going to lose?). Its frustrating because he thinks he knows everything about the band (he only knows what I have told him and what hes seen on big medicine) and then on top of it, hes called me jack the ripper before because I told him my intentions of getting a tummy tuck. =( Then, he goes on to tell me that he will pay the rent and the household bills for the next six months so I can save up any money I may need for my plastics. Sometimes, I dont know what to think. He threw a fit because I asked him not to bring cokes into the house, and now hes all gung ho talking about how he read foodnetwork.com and hes got some really good looking low calorie recipies. Oh hes weird, but I love him. I'm going swimming when I get home for an hour, doing laps, I got these neat little weights that go on your ankle while you swim, so I will try them out today, they are only 7 lbs each. -A

Oh, I'm glad I found this thread :wink2: Angelica - banded on the 23rd of October, 2007. I must admit, this has been a really difficult thing for me. Its difficult to admit that weight is not coming off as fast as it COULD, but thats all my fault. So, I am putting myself back on track too. I have lost EXACTLY 50 lbs since I underwent surgery. My goal is to look awesome in a halloween costume. This will happen. (I am planning on being Dr Girlfriend from the Venture Brothers cartoon on cartoon network) so today, I drank my salad (this is what I call jucing a bunch of vegetables, I've been doing this for years, and its something I MIGHT have to rethink) generally, I dont juice high sugar things. I juiced (for my boyfriend and I) a head of romaine lettuce, a cucumber, and a pear. It was delicious. Its hard to be fat, and a health nut. I also had about 3/4 of a chicken breast and maybe a cup of Pasta with pesto sauce. Thats it for today so far, save the Water. My biggest deal right now is SODA. I never even DRANK soda until I got banded, and now I generally shake it up so all the fizzies come out, and drink a coke a day. I know this is a really bad habit, and can be really bad for my band, and my pouch, so that is what I am currently working on. I have made it through so many addictions, or mini addicitons as I like to call them since the band. First it was liquor, alot of it, then it moved to fast food, then I started smoking heavily, and now I am at soda, so I guess I am not doing something right, because I keep replacing my habits with another one. I dont know if I can ever break this, honestly, but I do know that while I fight it, I can focus myself on maybe a more healthy addiction, like exercise =) I did housework all day, so I doubt I will exercise today. My boyfriend and I have taken to swimming everyday in the mornings before work. He does this to support me, I do it because I need some sort of exercise, and Jesus, its HOT in El Paso these days. In either case, I am really happy to find you guys, so thanks for the great idea =) -A

Okay, so, I have my consultation appointment on the 26th of August for removal of the pannus and some accessory breast tissue (believe it or not, I hate that stupid breast tissue more than my stomach/loose skin) My insurance will cover both of these procedures (BC/BS Horizon NJ) at 100% with a letter of pre determination. I know I'm in for another fight, but hey, I got them to approve my lapband, right? Does anyone have any words of wisdom as far as paperwork submittal to the insurance company that I can use? I'd really appreciate the help! -A :thumbup:

Maybe I am sounding like I have a huge chip on my sholder, and I probably do. My point really was that its not fair to hold something over someones head. I've had debates that have lasted into the wee hours when men and women start talking about 'slightly damamged 'people' and how you 'should date someone who has something wrong with them because they wont ever leave you'. The whole train of thought is disgusting to me. Being overweight doesnt have to define you as a person, if I were to subscribe to a dating service online I would not select BBW as a way to describe myself. I would describe myself as someone who was smart, and witty, educated, funny, driven, and by the way, I happen to be overweight. I will not tell men, or women, for that matter that I have had WLS, not because I am trying to hide it, but because I dont want to be bothered by their constant questioning about it. I was curious, and looked up all sorts of dating websites, there are a million of them out there. Daters with Sexually transmitted disease, daters for alternative lifestyles, shit, there is even a dating site for people who eat 60% or more raw foods. Its incredible. There is someone for every someone, and I believe that to be true, my someone will be a man who understands who I am, and knows ALL of me, and will not feel the need to define my body shape before he defines anything else. -A

There was a really well written post about the procedure to submit paperwork to your insurance company successfully for a TT, I cannot find the thread, is anyone familiar? -A

For me, regardless of who coined the term, its still reminds me of cavemen. Its like saying, you are beautiful, but I HAVE to qualify the fact that you’re overweight, just to let you know I didn’t miss it, just to let you know that you’re beautiful, but not quite beautiful enough, its a farce. If a man is not attacted to someone who is overweight, he should look elsewhere. I for one, am not attracted to the types of men that I generally seem to attract. Listen, men and women both get rejected for their looks, if its weight or otherwise, but my point was that its offensive to me when a man openly admits that he is NOT attracted to a woman’s outsides, but loves her on the inside. Should a man that I date ever tell me that, he'll be out on his ass faster than you could imagine. Love all of me, lumps and all, or none of me. Its a subtle way to manipulate people, by saying, I love you for your INSIDES but I will remind you that your OUTSIDES are too big for me to pin you into a corner where you don’t expect too much from me because I am already making a HUGE sacrifice for you, because you’re a BIG BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. PFFT, fuck that. I am a beautiful woman; I don’t have to qualify myself. Just like I don’t run around saying, 'Hi, I'm Angelica, I'm a beautiful woman with a Graduate degree', I will NOT qualify myself saying 'Hi, I'm Angelica, and I am a big beautiful woman'. In my opinion, obesity is something that should be faced head on, we don't walk around saying things like 'Shes a beautiful woman and the cancer, it just makes her more beautiful'. No, we dont, because cancer is a disease, just like obesity. Far be it from me to tell a woman who is overweight that she is not beautiful, because 9 times out of 10, I'd be wrong, however, being obese doesnt DEFINE my life, and I dont understand why other women would let it DEFINE theirs. Just typing the words sort of makes me shudder.

BBW Romance. I saw a banner ad for this type of service today whist visiting my favorite low carb support forum, lowcarb.ca. Before I start, I will say that I have a wicked hair up my ass today, and I am having a bad day, so forgive this blathering. BBW… The ‘Big Beautiful Woman’ thing makes my SKIN CRAWL. Hey, here’s an idea, fuck you. Don’t call me a BBW, I am not a BBW, I am a WOMAN. Don’t tell me that I am ‘Big, and Beautiful’. Tell me that I am beautiful without qualifying the fact that I am overweight. It makes me want to SCREAM when a man who is not overweight feels like he gets to pat himself on the shoulder for dating a woman who IS overweight. Like they’ve earned brownie points or something. I’ve heard men say all sorts of hideous things like ‘She’s fat, but I’m taking one for the team’, or the infamous ‘She’s got such a pretty face’ line. Please, stop fucking condescending me, for the love of God. Stop trying to segregate me from the rest of the world because I have a weight issue. Stop trying to compartmentalize me and tell me that I should only date a man who would traditionally want to be with an overweight woman. If you love a woman her circumstances should disappear, including her weight. -A

So, a wobbler.. Whats a wobbler, a wobbler is when Angelica loses her mind, and sort of falls into a world of HIGH anxiety and depression. I guess most people would call this a fat day? Lets break it down like this, I have lost about 5-7 lbs for every month that I have had the band (today is my 6 month anniversay, btw) Okay, so 30-35 lbs. In 6 months.. I am TRYING to be patient, but I realize that its not the band that I am losing patience with, its MYSELF. I have gotten my fills, but I havent eaten the correct foods, I havent eaten the correct portions. I havent been exercizing like I know that I should. I have been sort of trying to skirt out of the fact that I have a band. Since the last fill, under floro, thats not so much an option anymore, either it goes down, or it comes up, I'm adjusting to learning to eat small amounts, and chewing the shit out of everything. I feel like I am losing weight, but I dont own a scale, and the tape measure that i keep in my bathroom aint reading any different from last week. Frustrated. I mean, I get it, I am not doing the right things, this is MY fault. I dont run like I should, I have to eat well now, but thats just because its a physical imposibility to eat poorly anymore. (meaning portion size) To top that off, I am going on a trip to NM with my mom, (road trip, aweesoommmee) and my mother has decided she would like to take me to get a haircut at this swanky place, I just feel fat and stupid and slow and generally like a shitty person today. Christ, I'll even cheat MYSELF, how could I not cheat someone else, the fundamentals of Angelica are off, bad. I feel like an asshole generally. Ugh, this is going to get better, but I'm having a wobbler today. -A

So, a wobbler.. Whats a wobbler, a wobbler is when Angelica loses her mind, and sort of falls into a world of HIGH anxiety and depression. I guess most people would call this a fat day? Lets break it down like this, I have lost about 5-7 lbs for every month that I have had the band (today is my 6 month anniversay, btw) Okay, so 30-35 lbs. In 6 months.. I am TRYING to be patient. I have gotten my fills, but I havent eaten the correct foods, I havent eaten the correct portions. I havent been exercizing like I know that I should. I have been sort of trying to skirt out of the fact that I have a band. Since the last fill, under floro, thats not so much an option anymore, either it goes down, or it comes up, I'm adjusting to learning to eat small amounts, and chewing the shit out of everything. I feel like I am losing weight, but I dont own a scale, and the tape measure that i keep in my bathroom aint reading any different from last week. Frustrated. I mean, I get it, I am not doing the right things, this is MY fault. I dont run like I should, I have to eat well now, but thats just because its a physical imposibility to eat poorly anymore. (meaning portion size) To top that off, I am going on a trip to NM with my mom, (road trip, aweesoommmee) and my mother has decided she would like to take me to get a haircut at this swanky place, I just feel fat and stupid and slow and generally like a shitty person today. Christ, I'll even cheat MYSELF, how could I not cheat someone else, the fundamentals of Angelica are off, bad. I feel like an asshole generally. Ugh, this is going to get better, but I'm having a wobbler today. -A

So, a wobbler.. Whats a wobbler, a wobbler is when Angelica loses her mind, and sort of falls into a world of HIGH anxiety and depression. I guess most people would call this a fat day? Lets break it down like this, I have lost about 5-7 lbs for every month that I have had the band (today is my 6 month anniversay, btw) Okay, so 30-35 lbs. In 6 months.. I am TRYING to be patient. I have gotten my fills, but I havent eaten the correct foods, I havent eaten the correct portions. I havent been exercizing like I know that I should. I have been sort of trying to skirt out of the fact that I have a band. Since the last fill, under floro, thats not so much an option anymore, either it goes down, or it comes up, I'm adjusting to learning to eat small amounts, and chewing the shit out of everything. I feel like I am losing weight, but I dont own a scale, and the tape measure that i keep in my bathroom aint reading any different from last week. Frustrated. I mean, I get it, I am not doing the right things, this is MY fault. I dont run like I should, I have to eat well now, but thats just because its a physical imposibility to eat poorly anymore. (meaning portion size) To top that off, I am going on a trip to NM with my mom, (road trip, aweesoommmee) and my mother has decided she would like to take me to get a haircut at this swanky place, I just feel fat and stupid and slow and generally like a shitty person today. Christ, I'll even cheat MYSELF, how could I not cheat someone else, the fundamentals of Angelica are off, bad. I feel like an asshole generally. Ugh, this is going to get better, but I'm having a wobbler today. -A

Geez, I feel awesome today. I read this forum pretty regularly. Probably on a daily basis, provided that work permits... Ive read so much, seen so many attitudes, seen alot of pain and hurt over being overweight, alot of triumph over losing weight... I did something this week that I am proud of. My dating life, its bad. I started talking to an ex boyfriend of mine called Raul.. Raul, hes, difficult to describe. He possesses a brilliant criminal mind; and uses it to his advantage. Hes involved with some sketchy things, most of which I am not fully aware of. He came back around, and started talking to me about how he liked me, and he wanted to see me, eventually I invited him to my new apartment, and we talked. He started persuing me really aggressively. I sort of went along for the ride, but started to realize that it was his actions, and some of the things he does to earn a living that will prevent me from being able to be with him. He did offer me some really good advice on my current situation, and he did help me see a way out of my current situation. To me, his exploits are that taboo, because my father did the samething, so I just sort of learned to live with it, however, the more I begin to enjoy my life due to this weight loss, the more I smile, the more I find value in myself, I realize, I dont want to go down that path, and I dont want to be involved with someone who does. I have always pictured myself to be somewhat of a mastermind as well. I'm a natural born leader, I keep my head above water always, and I have struggled in my life with doing the right thing. Its just like eating well when you have the band, its hard, but you do it, because you know the outcome is worth the small amount of inconveince for you. my point is that I managed to stand up for myself, and tell him I wasnt interested, I broke it off. Hes steady telling me its because I cant handle a real relationship, that I cant deal with someone who truly cares about me. Maybe thats true right now, but its not the right time for me to dedicate myself to a man, I need to stay focused on myself, and keeping up with the progress I am making in my life. I dont want to hurt the dude, but I have to stay focused. I went and had a fill under floro about 2 weeks ago. It was pretty awesome. I had never seen the floro screen before, the first fill I had had the screen pointing towards my back. My port is a little twisted, the doctor said, but easily accessible, so no real issue. My band is placed well, no slips, no nothing. It was a little loose, so my doctor added 1 cc, that brings me to 8.7 ccs in a AP band. it was bizarre watching the swallow and how my stomach reacted. I really liked it, keeps pushing me towards a medical career, which honestly, would be pretty amazing for me. I think I would make an excellent nurse, or doctor. I will be ready to go back to school again soon, and knock it out of the park. Anyway, I SAW what kind of restriction I had, which has really helped me understand the chewing and so on, so forth. Should you have a fill under floro, you should ask your doctor to watch the screens, its really incredible. I have been doing well, and I know I am losing weight because I can see it, but I havent weighed myself, because I dont do it unless I am at the Doctors office, but I might invest in a nice scale soonish. I feel good today, life is good =) -A