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Nykee

LAP-BAND Patients
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Blog Entries posted by Nykee

  1. Nykee
    Just... in the exact same position I was when I left off here years ago. I am STILL around 320 pounds... and i am STILL TIGHT and have restriciton problems constantly. But instead of trying to fix it with prednisone, I just deal with it. I choke every day. On food or water.
     
    I think.. ill just start off with a food journal.
    I just gave up cookies yesterdaty or so I tell myself, we shall see. I gave up candy 10 months ago, and have had NO candy since. Which is mindboggling.
     
    I have not done a food journal for months. I got to see where I can make changes. See if what I THINK, is really the Truth.
     
    Tuesday April 12th
     
    11am. - 2 pills and one gulp of 100% Grape Juice.
    12:45pm- 4 tortilla chips
    2:30 - One inch section of granola bar ariel handed me and I took.
    3:30 -Now.. and Im hungry. but... ya. I can still feel that granola bite, in my throat.
    5:00 = 3/4 cup mashed potatoes with gravy (from this dinner thing, i fed the meat to the dogs) 20 ounces 1% milk, with nesquick
    7:40 - eating Rye chips right now.
     
    hey. I should go to fit day.
  2. Nykee

    5000 calories

    By Nykee,

    I had a 5000 calorie day today
     
    I had like 80 ounces of whole milk
    60 ounces of grape juice
    6 hershey kisses
    25 almonds
    spegetti noodles, with butter
    sauasge, eggs and fried potatoes
    ketsup, mayo
    cocoa krispies cerial
     
    :help:
  3. Nykee

    Almost there

    By Nykee,

    I am all ready to get a gastric bypass with Emma patterson when I find out that I am Not going to get medicare like everyone said i was.
    I have to have medicade and WLS is excluded.
     
    Well my only choice now is to self pay in mexico.
    I call a place and end up having so many problems on the phone that one day I get on line and just look up someone else. I dial
     
    It was the Obesity Control center.
    A lady tells me all about the band.
    I had considered the band but decided Gb was a better idea.
    But now I was sold on the band.
    She gives me a date for less than 2 months away.
     
    This is it.. I have a date. All my dreams are realized.
    FINALLY..
     
    I become sullen. I dont want to be here.
     
    I kinda check out. I dont research or find support or anything.
     
    I feel guilty and wrong and pissed that I have to do this.
     
    Hard to feel good about something that reminds you of your most extreem failures.
     
    I loose the manditory 40 pounds pre op ... I am desperate because I just KNOW that if I dont get the band, i will not choose to be a burdon to this world anymore. I am ready to die.. Its DO or DIE
     
    It was Feb 14th when I get on a plane for the first time.
     
    I have a cashiers check for 9500$ (the cost of a trailer home for my family)
  4. Nykee

    Am to PM/ Shot /prednisone

    By Nykee,

    I took the 40mg of antiinflitories last night and either it wasnt enough or It wore off.,.
     
    The shot they gave me lasted 24 hours..!!!
     
    Tonight I will take the 60mg he reccomended.
     
    I dont like the idea of taking all this pill form prednisone..
    I dont know why I think the shot is any different..
    But it just seems that way.
     
    I only take these amounts of prednisone when I have a few days of something very physical to do like go camping or go to a family gettogether or go on a date.
     
    I have been told that prednisone makes ya really irritable and well I have starteded to notice how I feel irritable after I get home from my bouts of prednisone and the extra physical activity.. BUt I dont care, I rather of had a goood time where I was able to walk and be physical then not do it just to be less grumpy later.
     
    So, taking that much DAILY.. just to decrease AM restrcition just dont seem like a good idea.
     
    YET, if I dont find a way to be less restricted in the AM, THAN I cant find a way to be MORE restrcited in the PM.. (so needed)
     
    I am going to look up what the shot was exactly.. it wasnt called prednisone.. see what it is..
     
    Plus that shot opened me up WAY WAY too much and lasted 25 hours.. I mean I was able to eat a whole slice of pizza and gulp it down with like 3 cups of milk.. THAT is completely TOO loose of course.. So I need to ask them what Milligrams they gave me and remember thats too much..
    AND see what those millagrams are compared to what the 60ml of prednisone is..
     
    THERE MUST BE A WAY to fix this!
  5. Nykee

    AMAZING aftercare!

    By Nykee,

    February 7th
     
    Today i woke up with the same kind of extreem restrcition that I had yesterday, but worse.
    Yesterday at noon I had one ounce of milk and burped and gurgles on it for hours.
    Today I didnt dare drink a thing, then I found I was gurgling and burping (on my saliva obviously)

    I got scared.

    I felt I should try to NIP this swelling in the BUD. It was FINE, until my period started and it should be fine after. BUT NOt if I let it swell upon swell upon swell until Its gone too far.

    NOW, to get a slight unfil, would only cause more swelling and I would end up losing most my fill anyway. So of course I dont want to do that. That already happened in November and I spent ALL THESE months NOT losing any weight and saving money to buy another fill.

    The way to NIP it in the Bud before it gets out of control... (in case I found my self choking and sliming and spitting on my own saliva, which is ABUSE of my band) Is to take antiinflamitories in huge doses.

    Seeings how I couldnt even sip water.. I needed it intraveniously.

    I went to Urgent Care and I told them my story and I got a BIG ol DOSE by needle. Now I have a prescription for HUGE doses to take at night when I am open, to see if it helps the AM swelling!!

    JUST WHAT I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED!!!!!

    I WAS SO WORRIED.. I WANTED THIS SO BAD. I though NO one would ever listen, ever care enough..

    The doctor was soooooooooo Nice.. He was totally interested, he felt for my port, he asked me a ton of questions, he was very thoughrough..

    and SIMPLY, I COULD TELL.. HE CARED. HE wanted me to continue to have success on this thing and he knew I lost 70 pounds (he spoke to my primary care doctor) and He saw some dehydration in my mouth (how, I dunno..I mean some dryness, Not dehydration) and Anyway.. He said COME IN ANYTIME I NEED IT intraveniously!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Which obviously would be when I am having problems sipping anything..
    Which shouldnt be a probelm once my period goes away.

    I HAVE BEEN SO LUCKY with this aftercare... SO lucky not to be judged and dismissed and not listened to.. SO lucky to have such caring and compassionate doctors..

    MY FILL DOCTOR is like not even an hour away.. she just told me to NEVER not come in due to lack of funds if I need a fill.. TO NOT go all those months needed a fill.. she will work with me..
    SHE also said if this fill OR any fill isnt enough and I decide I want another one within a week and a half or so.. SHE WILL GIVE ME MORE, NO charge!
    She also said if the lady who makes the appointments says there are no openings.. TELL her I am coming ANYWAY and JUST COME>.
    WOW WOW OWWO

    My own primary care doctor is new to all this, and he is so open to learning and working with me. (he is the one who told me to go to urgent care, cuz it was easier to get the IV that way instead of at his office)
    He has NEVER failed me.. EVEr

    Now this Doctor at the Urgent care.. He didnt know much, but so willing to listen and look things up and well .. YEAH.. WOW

    PLUS, remember in JUNE I had to go to the ER.. cuz I had choked for hours on pills after being filled in Mexicool. and they filled my with antiinflamitories (but it was too late for that) and they used a spinal neddlle and having NEVER done a unfill on a lapband before, they all rallied around and unfilled me.. (on the phone with Ortiz to guide them)

    ANYWAY

    I FEEEEL SO AMAZINGLY CARED FOR>.

    :) :) :) :)
  6. Nykee

    An Angel and the Crisis

    By Nykee,

    Soo..
     
    One day I am sent to a vocational doctor.. and I take the chance to run by her my proposal for ultram and how It will help me get my life back and lose weight and such,
     
    She thinks its a GREAT idea. But she cant prescibe them due to the ins rules.
     
    She has examined me thoughoughly.. she has talked to me and touched and checked me more at that time than my regular doctor ever did.
     
    I tell her what my doctor has done. I cry knowing she will never give them to me.
     
    She said, You let me take care of that, She gave me a referrall and said to take it to my doctors. It said that I was severely limited in mobility and that she reccomends me to have 6 ultram a day"
     
    I did.. She laughed at it, like it was fake or something. GRRRRR
     
    I got her to contact the voc doctor and she came back with a two page fax and a scowl on her face.
     
    She was pissed.. She was out for my blood and this is what she said.
     
    "OK.. YOu are getting what you want. I hope your happy now that you got your way"
     
    "6 ultram a day? I DONT THINK SO... you can have 4 a day"
     
    "you will have to come in every two weeks to pick up your prescription from this office, it cannot be called into the pharmacy"
    (not true, that was her rule)
     
    "I want to see you every two weeks as well.. I want to see the look on your face"
     
    Suddenly..
     
    I had to come in every two weeks and weigh myself.
     
    I HAD TO LOOSE 10 pounds a month OR ELSE I would NOT get anymore pills. I had to bring in a journal of the food I ate for the week"
     
    "YOU think this pill will save your life and make you super women.. then proove it.. IFyour twice as active as you claim to be than the weight should fall off. "
     
    "I need proof that this pill is working for you. I refuse to prescribe it for pain. I am prescribing it for you to lose weight. IF it fails to end in weight loss than I will not prescribe these to you ever again"
     
    "ITs all up to you now. You wanted them, you have convinced yourself and lets see you try to convince me"
     
    "If you keep up the loss of 10 pounds a month, I will continue to give them to you.. IF NOT.. THEY ARE GONE!"
     
    "I dont want you to blame me either... dont come crying to me, this is your chance.. May i suggest you try the prism diet, I lost 15 pounds and it was really hard but if I can do it, you can do it"
     
    CRAZY BITCH comparing a 130 pound women to a 350 pound one.
     
    Needless to say... I was obsessed with loosing the weight..
     
    I didnt care as much about loosing weight as I cared about being mobile and normal again. But I had to push hard to lose the 5 pounds every two weeks. It was so stressfull to have your life hangin in the balance contingent on weather you lose weight when you failed all your life to lose.
     
    First month easy. She loved to make fun of my journals.
     
    second month I was down by one pound and she let it slide. WHEW
     
    Third month..I lost 7 pounds the first half and in the second half I was in a major car crash and couldnt walk for a week..
     
    I didnt lose the weight and I gained 2 pounds, making my loss neggative by 6 pounds. I couldnt exersize as I had been.
     
    She said the car crash was an excuse. (I had proof, it was bad, I was black and blue all over my stomach and legs and shoulddres)
     
    I had lost 25 pounds in three months.. slow and steady..
    And she yanked me.
     
    I was devestated.
     
    So.. I saught another doctor and when I did, she told them I was a drug seeker. I had refused to sign narcotic release forms and I didnt comply with perscribed care.
     
    I had NEVEr had any pills cept ultram and I only got them twice a month and on my periods (I had only once every 2 to 3 months)
    I had never claimed to loose them, never asked for more.
    I HAD NOT DONE ANYTHIGN at all, that could possibly show drug seeking.
    She had NEVER asked me to sign anything.
    And not complying with care is NOT loosing 25 pounds in three months?
     
    New doctors did not care about getting facts and proof, they automatically got this look and belevied her on her word.
    I was humiliated and felt so wronged
     
    THEN SHe sends me a certified letter saying she is releasing me from her care becasue I got agressive with her and I treated her nursing staff rudely and I didnt comply with care. The next report used the words Abusive instead of aggressive.
     
    I never yelled, I never left my seat, I didnt motion at her, I didnt slam a door, I didnt stomp, alll I ever did was cry and try to explain myslef.
    I always felt inferiour and affraid of her..
    I was in no way rude to the nurses. I was always nice. They took me to weigh my self and I would chit chat about how I hoped I made the weight.
     
    I had to go into crisis counseling after this. I was affraid of finding a doctor and I was crippled again.
     
    NOW I am back to the WLS story.
  7. Nykee

    Ashless Birthday party

    By Nykee,

    So, we had her Birthday Party.
    All of us and my sister, neice and her new man. Plus Ashlee's friend.
     
    It went better than I could of ever hoped for.
     
    She was totally surprised by her ID bracelet and very happy to have it and beemed expressions of feeling lucky and special. That was my intent.
     
    She loved her Roses as she has never had any before and we are not a flower or jewlry kind of family.
     
    The dinner went well at Applebee's, I had tomatoe soup and some Spinach dip and got alittle choked up but it subsided. Everyone else had HUGE and delicious meals. Sure would be nice to eat like that again.. NOT!!!
     
    My sister went and paid the bill, The TURKEY. I tried to pay and it was already paid. THE SNEAK. I called her and she said "thanks for doing my taxes" OH BROTHER, it took me all of 5 minutes to do those taxes. But she did get a hefty refund.. So, HEY, Now I can pay the water bill!!
     
    Ashlee then took off for the coast. She is staying in a motel with a HUGE jacuzzi hot tub in the room (this is a 99$ deal in Lincoln City we are fortunate to get in the winter months) With her boyfriend.. I KNOW I KNOW.. that sounds terrible.. But they been dating for 4 years and well I had to get over that a long time ago.
     
    I wonder what the first "I am an adult" thing she will try to pull on me??
  9. Nykee

    BANDVERSITY

    By Nykee,

    My bandversity was Feb. 14th
     
    I weighed in today, alittle late (cuz I was being so lazy, its in another town)
     
    AND I am 335 pounds..
     
    THATS 80 pounds.. LOST.. in a year
     
    I CANT beleive it.. but its all true..
     
    My life is really happening..
     
    I HAVE NOT weighed this little since I was in college in 94-96
     
    THATS ten FUCKING years (this does not include yo yo dieting of course)
     
    I AM FUCKING AMAZING.... (not really, I am SUCH a BAD banster.. I cant even imagine how much I coulda lost if I was a good badster)
     
    I am realy motivated now to be a better bandster.. we will see..
     
    I was hoping all along this kind of thing would transform me into someone who can Do something right with my body for once and MAYBE IT can!
     
    I LOVE ME.. I DO. :clap2:

    P.s... (as if this is a small thing)

    He checked my blood sugar and it was 160
    I asked "is that ok" (yes I am a very nieve diabeties patient)
    HE said "its great, i exspected alot worse frankly"
    This wasnt my Regualar docter, he was kinda a dick.. SO HA HA.. he had mentioned maybe giving me some insolin since the solumederal is not a good idea to give someone with high sugars. I NEVER take my metformin (THATS A secret.. I NEVER take it.. I havent like EVER took it.. I mean ever regularily and SO WHAT IF I DID?? I would BE NORMAL blood by now (under 100) I SHOULD really take it and BLOW their freaking minds!
  11. Nykee

    Diabeties stuff

    By Nykee,

    My blood sugar on the meter thing at the doctors has been 146, 132 and 150...
     
    I just wanted to document that!
     
    I showed up on monday and my doctor had all this education ready for me.. and insulin. HOW much to give myself depending on how high my numbers were and HOW to do it..
     
    But he said "nevermind" and I was GLAD.
     
    I dont plan on EVER having to learn that CRAP!
  12. Nykee

    Doctors Appt. Aug 06

    By Nykee,

    I went to the doctors yesterday and told him about stuff..:help:
     
    I was referred to a urologist (spell?)... but I didnt know that until the urologist called today..:eek: I thought he said an MRI was being referred.?
    (another one!)
     
    He switched my viccodan for ultram, just like I asked and wanted.
    I got a perscription for a cream in case I ever get a rash again.
    I got on high blood pressure medication and that made me cry, I am surpose to be getting healthier here!:confused:
    I weighed 342.. its climbing..
    I didnt get the results of my blood yet..
     
    I got bitched at for my use of prednisone.. (well ya know, not really)
    prednione this, prednisone that...(rash, diabeties, high blood pressure)
    I get 5mg a friggin day.. THAT CANT be harming me.. (I save it up and use it NOT in 5ml a day, I TELL HIM exactly how I use it.. ITS STILL such a low dose!)
  13. Nykee

    ewww

    By Nykee,

    I am fed up..
     
    I am gaining weight cuz my fill isnt tight (and I dont follow a diet consistantly)........ I need a fill, but even with one, I HAVE to restrict myself in calories, carbs ect.. OR i wont lose much more..
     
    I am NOT happy about a approximate 75 pound loss in 18 months...
    I lost pre-op and I lost during a few winter months, ever since I have been gaining and loosing the same 10-15 pounds... but I dont see anymore loosing of those pounds, only more gain.
     
    I struggle with extra tightness.. often enough and I respect it.. ..
    but its inconsistantcy is really annoying, cant plan my diet....have ups and downs with emotions with eating food.. all cuz I just dont know whats ok.
    I hate that.
     
    When I am well restricted and I know basically how restricted I am, I accept it and I dont have all the concerns about food. I dont crave what I know I cant have. (its great)
     
    But there are enough times when I am not so tight to allow in too many calories....... and I need a fill... for those times..
     
    I dont want to deal with the times I will be extra tight.. twice as much.
    I fear I may send myself into a too tight situation like I did a few months ago... and have to accept that my restricition level now is where I have to be.. and where the weight is coming back on.
     
    I will get a fill as soon as I have the money.. I wish I could do it now!
     
    IF I JUST DIDNT HAVE a SENSITIVE BAND.. IF I was just more consistant..
    EVERYTHING would be perfect.
     
    If this is it..
    I have been left with a smaller scale weight, a flabby nasty body that cannot be contained and maked me look fatter everywhere but the shoulders back and face.. I deal with skin infections now, and lower self body image. The changes, the flab is sooooo different and soooo ugly and sooooo bothersome and so apparent that my weight loss does not seem worth it.
    My sciatica is worse,..
     
     
    ewww
     
    one day, I feel a rash between my legs, on my inner thighs and buttocks near the gina... it just showed up that big, nothing gradual at all..
     
    I have never in my life had a rash down there... !!
    I have been 400 pounds and I have been laid up and unshowered and it never ever happened...
     
    I have got small rashes of 1/4 the size.. under my belly many times, I soak in a tub and wash those and they go away by the next day..
    This rash was NOT like those ones.. this rash was like a burn, raised and leather like, and hurt.
     
    Truth is I know about how fat people get rashes.. once I was browsing through a web site of gross pictures and saw two naked ladies about 250 to 300 pounds bending over to show their asses and there huge infected rashes that seemed to me to be untaken care of.. (real bad)
    I didnt understand it at all.... I felt that anyone could control such a thing if they tried hard enough. I knew that I would never be able to live with such a problem.
     
    soooo.... I dont freak out.. I soak in the tub and wash and wash it and assume it will go away after a few soaks... and then I guess I have to take extra steps to keep my new massive flabs clean and tidy. (like I dont have enough to do to keep it all clean down there, I use about 5 wet wipes everytime I pee, and need to..)
     
    The next time I soak..... My rash is peeling off in brown skin chunks...
    I peel and peel and it never ends.... the skin underneath is raw and not healed.
     
    I begin to cry my head off.
    (never had a yeast infection or anything happen down there.. plus my odor has always been faint)
     
    I am scraping off skin from that area... unreal.
    I worry that there will be lasting effects (like i wasnt ugly enough down there)... its like sinking a level of obesity I didnt count on everr....
    Especially didnt think of it as an affect of weight loss..
     
    NOW its happened obviously cuz of all the excess flab from my weight loss. I cant keep my thighs from touching in the tub, they float together... and out of the water I have to spread my legs real far before they dont touch.. I would guess the flab added about 6 inches to the size of my inner thighs..
     
    I get up the nerve to take some pictures.. I have to ask my daughter to do it.. and she is nice of course... but after wards I cry for like an hour..
    I dont cry alot.. It was really humiliating..
     
    I have took pics of every rash i got so far, but this isnt something I want to tell anyone happened to me.. and how gross to have photographed..
     
    BUT.... I have to think of my future and do all I can if and when I have to fight for my skin cut off as a medical nessesity.
     
    My worst fear is that who ever I am talking to about that issue, tells me or implies that I am not really doing all I possibly can to keep clean, or I am lying about never having had any rashes when I was over 400 pounds.
    and that
    those are regular rashes that are trypical of obese and nothing extrodinary .. bath more, wear cotton undies.. etc... Deal with it.
     
    My flab is so horrible.. I HATE IT.. I dont see why it changed sooo much at so little loss.. GRRRR
    IF I knew i was going to lose another 150 pounds, and most likey get it all cut off, I wouldnt be so upset over it..
     
    but all I see is.. I am not going to lose enough weight to cut flab off and I now have this deformed body that I hate more than my 400 pound body.
     
    Plus if I gain weight and I get to 400 again... OMG, I cant imagine how bad that would look..
     
    Why isnt all of this an incentive to DO WHAT I NEED TO DO...
  14. Nykee

    experimenting

    By Nykee,

    Feb. 10th

    I took 60mg last night and it worked some because I was able to take drinks of jucie all through the night every time I got up to go pee.

    I was able to eat a few chewy carmels so far too.. its 11:30 am.

    I havent tried any hot soup or milk or anything yet... (since 7am or so)

    All the prednisone is going to do if I take it day after day is open me up all times of the day,.. meaning at night I will eat even more than I do now.

    Well the point of that was to be able to get a fill.. But I think its unwise to count on the antinflamitory to keep me from being way too tight in the AM.. I dont need to be causing problems.. and it all seems like one big problem.

    THE Real problem is I NEED TO DIET.. I NEED to diet a little bit. I HAVE TO. I have to DO SOMETHING..

    Last night I had over 3000 calories again.

    I MUST do something. The band has made it alot easier to diet, but I still cant seem to do it.

    I have cut out so much.. My habits have changed soooo much..
    BUt fact is, I get in over 2500 calories like every single day.. THAT cant be worth much more weight loss for much longer.
  15. Nykee

    Fill in info on way to band

    By Nykee,

    I get a new doctor and he does not treats me fair.
     
    He agrees to give me ultram for back pain, I dont have to lose weight.
     
    And pretty much I dont.
     
    He checks me for diabeties and I have it.
     
    HUMMM I wonder why that witch never checked it.???
     
    With this doctor, I have a new phobia called NEVEr tell the doctor your in pain. Hide it at all costs.
     
    There would be days at the doctors where I would get this pain in my back and sit and hold it forever and if the nurse asked if I was ok I would say "oh my back is hurting alittle" no big deal" and when alone I would go crazy and then i would walk as normally to my car as possible and then collapse and cry my head off and go home and be bedridden for two days..
     
    I said enough to keep the untram, but no more.
     
    I was scared to death of being dismissed and ridiculed and NOT cared for again. This was very stupid. I fell alot and I got hurt alot and I hid it all.
     
     
    I become more and more crippled and gained weight.
     
    I end up unable to work and sent to the jobs program in the welfare system.
     
    I am scared. I am trying to hide the fact that I am in excrusiating pain.
    It was like the most important thing to be.. to hide my pain and problems.
    I couldnt stand anyone seeing me as a loser, a fat cripple, a broken women. I rather suffer than show it.
    (now I show it, I dont care)
     
    Well they noticed. They sent me to the voc doctor again and she told them I was disabled and not to make me do anything.
     
    They made me apply for SSI
     
    This day was the worst day of my life.
     
    I didnt want to apply for disabilty. I didny know what it was and I didnt want to. All I knew is that I SURE AND THE HELL WASNT to be one to get disabilty.
     
    I was completely bent, couldnt think of a single job i could do. At this point even sitting in chairs wasnt possible for very long.
    I was disabled. I was.
     
    But to apply for disability is admitting your the ultimate failer...
    My fat brought me to this point and it was too hard to admit that.
     
    This was the most depressed I have ever been.
     
    No one made me do anything..I was 'awainting disabilty"
     
    I became 400 pounds in this meaningless existance
     
    THEN.. ANOTHER Lesson.. The DISABILY thing became My chance at life and weight loss again..
     
    I had to get the dissability, to get the back pay, to pay for the gastric bypass.. TO GET OFF OF disabilty.
     
     
    It was a plan.. BUT it took a long long time.
     
    About 5 years.
     
    In the meantime my doctor left and I got assigned Dr. MOORE and he was so cruel to me that his nurse turned him in, people called me, I testified on the phone and then i was notified that he had been reprimanded.
     
    Becasue of this I got a special doctor at a fancy clinic.
     
    He checked my back right away and I was herniated and had sciatica and he said it was like that a long time.
     
    YEAH, ever since I QUIT school and began to complain to my doctors.
    WHY DID NO ONE EVER CHECK MY BACK??
    Sheesh
     
    So yeah.. 5 years, cuz I had shabby doctors..
     
    I rememebr times when I wished the SSi would NOT go through, so I would get MORE money when it went through the next time...
     
    I needed at leaste 15,000
     
    Well i found out that medicare would cover my gastric bypass and all I had to do was wait. Find doctors and go to all the pre stuff.. so I did
  17. Nykee

    First heard about WLS

    By Nykee,

    I first heard about the gastric bypass in the year 99 or 00.. It was on Montel. I knew it was the one thing that could save me, the only thing.
     
    About a year earlier I had gave up the notion that I could ever lose wieght on my own. I hadnt stopped trying, but because I was becoming worse off physically, I knew I would not be able to do it on my own.
     
    I needed medical intervention. I knew it. I now knew it existed.
     
    So I began research. It was like 50,000$ and not covered by my insurence (though it had been a few years prior). I was poverty striken.
     
    I was so close once. I had found a bariatric surgeon to talk to and give me information and send me stuff.. He said that IF I had Gallbladder problems (symptoms are heartburn, yes I had that) that the gallbladder work would be covered by insurence, and while he was in there he could do the gastric bypass for 3500$ AND I could make payments.
    I was sure that he implied that he would make sure I got a diagnosis of a gallbladder problem. His and his nurse seems in on it, cariing for us.
     
    Well,, My ins said that I would have to see the gallbladder docter in my coverage area, BUT he wasnt a bariatric surgeon. I could only go out of my area if we didnt have one, but we did.
     
    I considered moving to the coverage area. BUt I was in college. I Had a job where I only had to work two hours a day for like 800 a month and it was the only job I could physically do and it was a hard job to find.
    Plus that doctor stopped taking payments AND I wasnt so sure he would say I had a bad gallbladder and the consult was prohibitive in cost for me.
    I kinda started to think, I just cant make this work.
     
    I decided to wait and see if anything might turn up in the future.
     
    At least I knew there was some HOPE that I might not be obese until I die.
  18. Nykee
    I found two long lost videos of my son and my boy on the internet.
     
    I am so happy about that.
     
    Now I got to find the ones of cry and amb..
     
    I write this incase this is the brightest point of my day.
     
    Havent done much thinking yet, cept of food .... it is almost 3pm and I am not open yet.. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrr
    ME want JUICE!!

    From fitday:

    Current Weight
    Your weight is 345 lb as of 02/05/2006.
     
    Weight Goal
    Your goal is to weigh 315 lb by 02/14/2006
     
    Goal Progress
    You are currently 30 lb above the target weight.
     
    The deadline for your goal is 9 days (1 weeks, 2 days) away.
     
    To meet your goal you need to lose about 23.33 lb per week.
     
    LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL GOOD LUCK LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
  19. Nykee

    How to use this Journal

    By Nykee,

    Hummm, trying to think of how to use this Journal to my best advantage.
     
    I have always wanted one, on line and I never got around to making one, like a blog or my own website or anything like that.
     
    I would like to continue to post as I have on the site, minus my long winded personal rants and such... and adding my basic life details, that I wouldnt normally feel any need to tell anyone but myself, just to have.
     
    so.. I think thats what I will do.
     
    plus, I will try to log once a day..
  20. Nykee
    FEBUARY 6th

    So, yesterday I felt like I could hardly eat at all. I never had a meal.
     
    I sipped on milk and broth all day.. and around 6pm I was able to chew and spit some chicken and then I had some applesauce and pop and milk and almonds and candy.
     
    BUt it all added up the same as every other day.. About 2500 calories, 100 grams of fat, 300 carbs...
     
    So I didnt like that. It really goes to show how things can add up.. Like I had chocolate chips, two at a time.. but WOW the calories really added up and I had the smallest amounts of pop and those calories added up too..
     
    Had I left out the pop and chocoalte chips, witch would of been so easy. I might of had a lesser calorie day for once..
     
    Its been 4 days since I been loging my food.. and it seems like two weeks for something..
     
    I think tomarrow I may break down and weigh myself.. I wanted to wait till the 14th but tomarrow I will be in the town that I can weigh on the real accurate scale.
     
    Maybe if I see how far I am from Goal (75 pound of loss by Feb. 14th) than I will kick it in this last week??
     
    I MUST BE 340 POUNDS... I JUST MUST.
     
    I could drop 10 pounds in a week, if I really tried.. BUT whats the use? Just to say I made goal? I would just gain it back anyway.
     
    AS USUAL.. I cant get a fill cuz I am too tight in the AM.
     
    PLUS I am eating around the band anyway I can.. how obvious is that!
  21. Nykee

    MILK

    By Nykee,

    I drank a half gallon of whole milk this night
     
    I am high on steroids and of course cant sleep and I am wide open.
     
    I find that the gallon of new milk in the fridge is whole (a kid musta made a BIG mistake, NO one likes whole in this family)
     
    I been up watching the movie RENT.. (I think its 4 hours long!!!!lol)
    WOW WOW WOW by the way WOW WOW
    I never knew what rent was about.. WOW
     
    and I been pissing all night (I pissed myself 3 times... thats sad but true, just a bit, I cant make it to the toilet when I get the urge.. its FATTIE incontinent leaks)
     
    I just went to fill my cup... again ... and its half gone.. and I opened it.
    And here I am on the computer again and watching the commentarty on RENT.
     
    Dilema Dilema.. I cant BE wide open like this.. LOOK WHAT I revert to doing. I will NEVER lose weight.
     
    I cant be as tight as I have been, having pains on my saliva till 4pm or its abusing my band. (and its causing me to drink sugar, not have meals)
     
    oh well.. what ever
     
    In case I forget.. (my food log is not in here) I ALREADY drank like 40 ounces of nesquick and 30 ounces of 1% milk...
     
    MAYBE I WILL TOP IT ALL OFF AT A GALLON.. if there was any nesquick left GUAREENTEED I WOULD.
     
    Friggin solumedrol.. I shoulda let that chex mix sit there for ever.
    (I had a little at 7am and it wouldnt go away, I didnt PB, but I could feel it.. obviously swollen.. I am too tight and tHIS TIME I CANT SEEM TO COPE WITH IT)
  22. Nykee
    Febuary 3rd.
     
    Today I have two 18 yr olds. :nanahump:
     
    Its my daughters birthday, she is the middle child.
     
    My son will be 19 in Mid March.
     
    If they werent both still at home and still completely under my wing and control, this could be a very sad day indeed as I always imagined it would be. Instead I am happy, I am really really happy.. Hummm, TAKE NOTE!:nanahump:
     
    I have to go out now and get reservations at Applebee's and Buy 18 Roses and pick up her present at the jewlers, its an ID bracelet that has ner name on the front and 'happy 18th, love Mom' on the back.
     
    I am proud of myself for saving the money needed to make this a special day for her. ((((hugs to self))))
     
    NOTE: I lost 75% of my income in July and we been having HARD times.
    It is NOT the time to have such luxeries but the kids understand that.
    But, I couldnt bear to have had to jip her on this special day. There is NO way she exspects roses and a nice ID bracelet. I am very excited. I did this on my OWN too.. (the 75% income loss was a MAN and his money)
     
     
    P.S.
    My daughter is ABSOLUTELY amazing. Just 18 and a Sophmore in college. I am so proud of her, its hard to put into words sometimes..
    She was my middle child AKA the 'bad seed'.. total middle child syndrome. My whole life I had to make it up to her for being the middle child, where my oldest was the BEST son anyone could ever ask for and my youngest was the most precious little perfect babykins I ever needed..
    This made her quite selfish, self centered, spoiled and a terrorizing little brat, I honestly thought was going to have major problems in life and grow up hating me and the world for not making her happy or giving her everything she thought she deserved.
    We werent half as close as I was to my other kids and each year it got worse instead of better. I really resigned myself to have failed this child in a way I had not my others. Why didnt she know how much I loved her, why hadnt she learned to be selfless and humble and happy like the others?
    This is of course all the neggative, she was far from this horrid, but this was a part of her and the part I am Soooo GLAD and AMAZED and GREATFULL to report was not permanant..
    She grew up. All of a sudden, I have this perfect child who outshines the others now.. and she is proud and she is happy and she acts like this life does NOt revolve around her, but around US.. as a family.. and what we can do with our selves in this world and our fellow humans.
    I could go on and on about what she does, from always bringing in the mail and running erronds for all of us left and right, from having a car and insurence and a job and
    a responsible and safe and good social life..

    NEVER EVER THINk your kids are lost forever.. IF my AShlee could come out this, ANY KID CAN! Beleive in what you taught them and what you say and show them and Of course the one thing I never ever did was stop loving her, and I DIDNT let her convince me that I had...

    I love her. I just cant say enough. She is my light, she is really the best thing in my life right now.. She is my everything. :nanahump:
  23. Nykee
    Work in Progress
     
    I been using my computer (posting, emails, etc.) from a chair for a month now. I guess I must say I am in a comfortable rocking chair thing with cushions. BUT its UPRIGHT and so am I.. lol
     
    (Oh for those who dont know.. I always had to post from the couch, then later I got this neat lounge chair chaise (spell?) due to pain as I have some back injuries)
     
    I bleached my hair three time in the last two months.. and to rinse it out, I leaned over the tub and rinsed it in the tub facet.
     
    I mean I HAD to cuz I forgot my fancy disabled people shower thingie at my old place. (damn it, that was expensive!)
     
    And it was basically easy. I mean it wasnt easy. But it was WAY WAY WAY easier. Compared to before, it was a SNAP.
     
    I have had to do this before (use the facet) and it has left me in tears.
    I have had crisis interventions over this in the past. (I have to do my hair like every couple months)
     
    I either couldnt reach the facet it well enough to rinse thouroughly and fried my hair, absolutely could not hold my possition and had to leave the area before I was done, cried alot, needed someone to come with a picher to help me, had to get in the tub and let the bleach run all over my body and ect ect... lol, seems like alot to go through to dye my hair, but thats life ya know.. you do what you gotta do and you dont think about it.. UNTIL NOW when its so different.
     
     
     
    I can lay on the couch for more than an hour.
     
    This couch from goodwill..It has two reclyning chairs on the ends.
     
    I couldnt lay on it. It was extremely uncomfortable. (the mechanics inside, undetectable to the normal sized..)
     
    I tried and tried to get a place on this couch because Um I NEED to lay down and I need to be in my living room.
     
    I tried until it was completely clear that in NO way could I use this couch. My family loved it.. Its a pretty cool couch for everone else.
     
    I only had the chaise lounge chair that I could tolerate for semi long periods and it wasnt sufficient. I could only sit on the couch about an hour in its upright possition with the reclyner out. (not quite upright.. lol)
    And EVERY time I regretted it (pain pain pain)
     
    I had no where to "be" in my own living room if I was "bedridden' that day, I actually had to be in my bed.. and I dont like being isolated like that.
     
    So... My stuff was in storage.. I just got a new place... and GUESS WHAT..
     
    I went to lay on the couch.. and I could. AND I CAN..
    I HAVE A PLACE TO BE IN MY OWN LIVING ROOM NOW! WOW
     
    My Watch is loose.
     
    My friend gave me the watch in christmas of 04, she got it fit for me and it fit perfectly. Now its always upside down, dangling and at least three links could be removed. I dangle it everytime I need a pick me up.
     
    I can weigh on a normal scale and the scale at the ymca becasue I am under 350 pounds now. Nuff said.
     
    I had my first Orgasm from a Man, that I didnt have to help one bit.
    I am 35 and having my first one, unassisted. I thought it would NEVER happen. I was OBESE by age 16 and not sexually educated before that....Three kids by 19 and never did enjoy sex. and it was dead ever since because I felt so crappy about myself..
    I almost never even touched myself. I felt so discusted. NO looking even.
     
    This O happened with a good friend who has never done anything wrong to me, who I have been seeing casually for over three years and who I have become increasingly comfortable with. (26 yr old hottie too)
    Last year on my 34th bday, I was able to have 7 multiple O's with him, (I did it, but it only happened cuz he was there and he was OMG AMAZING)
     
    So.. Its a mixture of my becoming increasingly comfortable with him as well as with myself.. In fact, the whole sex thing was so much better that also made me ready and capible..
    This was never due to HIs lack of skill, I know he has the skill, I have known that from our first time. But I was dead and his skills mean nothing if I am dead.
    I am still in shock.. I mean you go 35 years and your mom and sister and best friends ALL know you have never had an orgasm from a man.. and that last year was my first one with a man at all (assisted) (and I date plenty, and many have tried and tried well)
    AND now, its not my story anymore.. lol. (I havent even told them yet!)
     
    Sex..Details later..MAYBE, kinda new and feeling too personal.. BUT ITS HUGE.
     
     
     
    WORK IN PROGRESS
  24. Nykee

    Period. "cuz I can" Reese

    By Nykee,

    ITS MY PERIOD!! YEAH.

    I got the cramps around 10pm and just now found some pink.

    So... I am gonna assume its my menstral.

    Now, I just feel so much better about it all.

    I dont know for sure, but I have a feeling I can stick to some lower calorie eating for a few days now.

    I didnt want this Journal to be about all this crap.. BUT, I guess it will be what ever it is... Go with the flow.

    .............

    Tonight I almost went to the coast with my daughter.. she jsut got back today, but had to go back cuz Dono forgot his wallet in her car.
    I was gonna ride along. But in the end chose not to go.
    I was debating whether to go, cuz I know it would be painfull and it was a quick trip, not for any certain kind of fun or activity, but I have been bored and it was something to do..
    Plus I could stay at my friends house for the night and thats something to do too..
    BUt my daughter said "cuz I can" to something I asked her and I acted like I didnt want her company..... Well, that was obviously me using that as a way to justify my social anxiety and sheer lazyness and fear of pain. All of which I HATE allowing to control me.
    I layed on the couch and watched Southpark all night, helping Cry with her nonexistant family tree and fighting with Ambree to do her chore.
    I coulda been in bed with my friend feeling all calm and relaxed knowing the ocean was nearby and feeling wonderfully small.

    I have a date this weekend with Reese. I AM going, no matter what. If I find a way to weasal out, I may as well give it all up and
    But I am nervous. I think its gonna last Saturday to Monday cuz his work schedule. Well, I will talk about this later.

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