CherylA

I have so much going on right now and I am waiting on so many answers..... My paperwork has been turned in for the 2nd time because they needed more info before they could approve or deny. My 2nd insurance has approved and now we are just waiting on the primary......
 
Now here is the kicker...I need to have this surgery done before May, which is not a problem for my doctor, but we are waiting on the insurance company.
 
My husband and I are also waiting to find out about a job for him in Dubai. If he gets it which I am sure he has it he will be leaving in May! Same company he works for now, so he will have the same insurance. I just need his help with the kids while I recover!
 
There is just too much going on and we have to wait for too many answers! My body hurts from all the walking and weight lifting that I have been doing. The soreness does not help with my emotions at all. I feel like a huge ball of raw emotions and like I am going to cry at any time.
 
This is the first time in a while that I have logged in here because I have been trying not to think about it at all.

Let the countdown begin. Weighed in at 305 or less 2 days in a row - so it's official, 305 lbs. (I don't officially call it until I've been at a weight for at least 2 days!). Weighed in at 304.8 this morning, 305.8 at 5pm., let's see if it happens two days in a row again!
 
Just a matter of days until I'm below 300 lbs - 1st time I'll be that low in almost 4 years. Hard to believe I'm losing weight. Been too many years hoping the dream would come true, and this actually happening to me are too difficult to accept as real. I keep thinking I might be in a dream or I'm being punked. I'll wake up and POOF, I'm still in my old body.
 
The thoughts of it not being real and being disappointed again keep crowding in. Don't know when I'll let myself accept the reality of being at a lower weight. Oh well, I'll just keep drifting down the river Denial. Maybe I can deny myself right into 190 lbs. :-P

I have to share...I ran into the forum How are you doing on the emotional side of being thin..or something like that. It really made me start thinking. How did I ever get to this point in my life? O there are so many things I can sit down and list that made me unhappy and that I LET push me to over eat and eat from emotion. Let's face it, it is a roller coaster that once you get on there is no getting off without some serious help. I am a little worried about how I will handle things once I have my sleeve, but I will take it one step at a time. I hope to turn more toward lifting weights and walking. Heck maybe even running! I would love to run with my oldest daughter. She seems to really enjoy it. My middle child enjoys sprinting. What a day that will be when I can run and sprint without the worry of ending up in the hospital!
 
Last year I had started jogging and walking with the family everyday. I started getting more and more dizzy. I even had to go in the hospital for them to try to fig out what was wrong. Come to find out there are these rock like things in your inner ear that I jarred loose and out of whack! I guess it is because of being so big and running. I was getting to where I could run and keep up with the kiddos too.
 
I really enjoy this site because it gives me a chance to get a peak into the world I will hopefully be facing very soon.

I have to share...I ran into the forum How are you doing on the emotional side of being thin..or something like that. It really made me start thinking. How did I ever get to this point in my life? O there are so many things I can sit down and list that made me unhappy and that I LET push me to over eat and eat from emotion. Let's face it, it is a roller coaster that once you get on there is no getting off without some serious help. I am a little worried about how I will handle things once I have my sleeve, but I will take it one step at a time. I hope to turn more toward lifting weights and walking. Heck maybe even running! I would love to run with my oldest daughter. She seems to really enjoy it. My middle child enjoys sprinting. What a day that will be when I can run and sprint without the worry of ending up in the hospital!
 
Last year I had started jogging and walking with the family everyday. I started getting more and more dizzy. I even had to go in the hospital for them to try to fig out what was wrong. Come to find out there are these rock like things in your inner ear that I jarred loose and out of whack! I guess it is because of being so big and running. I was getting to where I could run and keep up with the kiddos too.
 
I really enjoy this site because it gives me a chance to get a peak into the world I will hopefully be facing very soon.

Tonight I had an appointment at Lahey, well I thought I had 2, but it turned out into being a class with a few other ladies there. It hosted by the other bariatric nurse & nutritionist (we get assigned a team, but I've met the other "team" during these group meetings). It was an overall good presentation with some good to know info. It started off with the nurse giving an us an idea what to expect on the day of surgery & how to best prepare. The 2nd portion was the nutritionist going over our after surgery diet & supplements.
 
I thought that I already knew quite a bit from reading other folk's posts, but I did learn some things tonight:

No driving for 1 week after the surgery
Prior to the surgery, no vitamins for 2 weeks & no pain medications other than Tylenol
Breathing exercises 40-50 times day (to help prevent pneumonia)
No gas-x strips required, they'll provide some if needed (after I just ordered some, of course)
Prilosec for 1 month & Actigall (gallstone prevention) for 6 months
Bye Bye steak & pork for about 3 months. Also raw veggies other than lettuce & tomatoes
If a food gets stuck, DO NOT TAKE A SIP of something to try to fix it (get up and walk around instead)
Being full is not going to be experienced the same way. Hiccups, burps or a runny nose could be the signal

 
I had been growing a little concerned seeing people posting about dealing with their insurance companies & with approval/denial forms. It seems Lahey took care of all that, and if an issue does/did come up they try to resolve it. Pretty nice
 
Overall, feeling pretty good. Next week has a total of 7 appointments for me (groan) but I think some of them will just kinda slide into one another (hospital admissions to the nurse examination, etc) so it shouldn't be too too bad. The reality of all this is starting to lurk back into the picture, but I'm not freaking out again (yet).

I had my first psycho therapy session in over a month. I usually schedule the sessions on Wednesday afternoons because I telecommute that day. Unfortunately scheduling conflicts occured with all of the pre surgery doctor visits. I'm wondering now if one of the reasons that I am so down these days is that I haven't talked through my issues.
 
I honestly think exploring why and how I eat was a very good decision on my part. My therapist has had WLS fairly recently so she can understand when I talk about my fear of not losing weight, or my fear that I won't be able to hide behind my weight anymore. She also tries to understand when I talk about being afraid that my depression will sabatoge the surgery.
 
I have not been very social in the last few months; I go out once in a while with friends but my regular week day is like this: Wake up; shower etc, commute, work, commute, lie in bed when I get home. I don't know how to get out of this dark mood and be myself again. Clinical depression sucks. It sucks because nothing is funny or fun anymore and petty annoyances (a boss who feels that talking to me is intimidating) and 'real life issues' (like my mother's dementia and my father just being himself) are not improving. One of the reasons that I am having this surgery is that I want to get out more. It's embarassing but execising hurts now. Exercise used to make me feel good.
 
I pray and I pray. I do feel better. I feel relieved and calm when I pray and I can stop myself from stuffing my face. It's funny I turned to food for comfort but the comfort is never there. I hate myself for overeating and I'm physically miserable when I'm stuffed. I realize that I can be my own enemy in choosing to do something that harms me in different ways.
 
One day at a time; each day as it's own. I remember that God loves me and I smile on the inside too.

I'm working graveyard shift today, but my body doesn't want to cooperate with sleep...so here I am, awake when I should be asleep. But it's ok.
 
Since my breakdown on Monday, I've been making a concerted effort to really question my motivations for anything that comes in or out of my mouth. I hadn't realized it, but I have been buying into the pity that has been coming from aquaintances:
 
"If I could only eat a few bites, I would DIE!"
 
"Aren't you going to end up like Carnie Wilson? You know, she had that surgery and gained it all back."
 
"Wow, you're going to be so sick...I had a (insert friend or relative here) who had that surgery, and he/she was so malnourished that she had to live in the hospital for (insert long period of time), they had to feed her through a tube and he/she almost died!"
 
"We're all going out drinking....you coming CatLady? Oh, that's right...no fun for you anymore!"
 
etc, etc, etc.
 
I'm not sure why I took so many of these to heart, but I have. It comes down to feeling....abnormal. It's a feeling I've struggled with almost my entire life. I just want to fit in - and since surgery, it feels like I stick out even more. For some reason, I chose to remedy this in a fashion that was really no remedy at all. It just made me feel like more of a screw up.
 
So my goal this week has been to listen only to myself, not what I -THINK- others may think or say about me. It has been challenging, but doable. The big realization is that I *AM* normal. THIS is my new normal. and I've got to go with the flow.
 
Took my daughter to Panda Express (her favorite place) to celebrate the last day of school, and was perfectly content picking at 1/4 of a side's worth of Mushroom Chicken. Enjoyed talking to her and being inside in the air conditioning. And felt ok. Just have to lock this feeling away and remember it.

I was so looking forward to having to "make myself eat" after my sleeve. This has definetely not been the case. Im still hungry all the time. Im also upset that I have only lost 1 pound a week for the past 4 weeks. And this is after increasing my workouts from almost nothing to 3-5 days a week. I was so excited when I was in the gym that all of that hard work was going to mean more #'s off the scale. I guess not. Everyday of my life, when I see skinny women, I think to myself "is she hungry all the time?" and "what does she eat to be so damn skinny?". Basically these thoughts rule my world all of the time. As im sitting here, my stomach is growling and the idea of eating is awful because I know it will just keep making me fat. And on top of it all, this concept of protein keeping hunger at bay, well...I just dont believe it. I drink my protein, mix it into just about anything I can, and it sure isnt keeping me from being hungry. Uuugggghhh...
On the positive side, I do feel good. I havent had any problems with my surgery, and I feel 100%. Im just going to keep eating healthy foods, excercising, and praying that one day god will help me get over this food addiction I have.

I lost 1.2 lbs this week. This puts my current weight at 215.4 (from a high of 246). My total weight loss since starting this journey has been 30.6 lbs (average weight loss per week is 2.5….which does not include the 10 lbs I lost post op).
 
I am two months PostOp and I am pretty much eating whatever I want – except in smaller amounts (examples of things I am eating – watermelon, spaghetti, cereal, small salads, asparagus, etc.). If it can fit into one of my 4 oz containers that is how much I eat.
 
Best meal this week was a tomato, mozzarella, basil salad with left over fresh tuna my husband caught (ate separately…drizzled wasabi, soy, ginger dressing on the tuna..yum!). The day before I had the tuna on a small bed of lettuce with the dressing and sliced up cucumbers.
 
Please note that I don’t enjoy cooking at all. I did make the tomato/mozzarella salad but my husband cooked the tuna. I’ve been looking up “make ahead” salads so I have more healthy “go to” items in the fridge (this weekend I want to try a black bean confetti salad and a Texas caviar salad – found easy recipes through pinterest). I thought those would be good with some pre-cooked chicken.
 
I made the mistake of watching the documentary Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead this week. Now I want a juicer and started obsessing about getting in micro nutrients (I liked parts of the documentary but not all of it. It is about juice fasting.). I also made the mistake of weighing myself every day (which has not helped me mentally and has me questioning everything I am eating when I am eating below 1200 calories as it is). I am close enough to being under 200 to “taste” it. We bought plane tickets to go home this summer and I would love to be under 200 when I go. I am feeling some “self pressure” to drop those pounds in the coming month which I think is contributing to my recent blah mood (mainly because I know I should probably join the Y and get on a regular exercise program if I want to lose that weight in the next month).
 
I had a moment yesterday where everything was ticking me off and all I wanted to do was go and eat and eat and eat. I went to McDonalds and got a hot fudge sundae and that made my stomach feel horrible and I pretty much didn’t eat for the rest of the night. I was mad that I couldn’t eat like I wanted but got over that (I’m normally a pretty happy person so I am going to blame my recent mood on PMS).
 
My exercise is still hit or miss and not really planned. I walked 3 miles on Saturday and did some hiking and a lot of walking around on Sunday.
 
I am not counting calories or weighing my food (too much “work” for me). I am eating in 1, 2 or 4 oz increments (these are the mini containers I purchased so my meals are measured with that).
 
Here is an idea of what I am eating:
 
Breakfast – High Protein Slimfast Chocolate Shake with Skim Milk (sometimes with strawberries or bananas blended in). Sometimes Go Lean Crunch cereal with skim milk served in a ramekin. Sometimes a ready to drink shake that I have on hand in case I am running late. Sometimes an Atkins bar.
 
Snack (around 10 a.m.) – Atkins bar or 4 oz flavored greek yogurt with 1 oz of Go Lean Crunch mixed in or applesauce or jello.
 
Lunch (I usually start eating from 11:30 to 1 p.m. in little increments)
4 oz applesauce
4 oz of left over dinner (i.e. spaghetti, grilled tuna, sliced ham and cheese, usually something with protein, etc.)
4 oz watermelon (this is a recent thing but I have also had sliced cucumbers too)
Sugar Free Jello snack pack

 
Mid Snack (around 3 p.m.) – Almonds, Atkins bar, yogurt, cheese stick (any of those)
 
Dinner (around 5:30)

4 oz of dinner
4 oz of veggies with dinner (I usually don’t eat the carbs that go with the dinner)

 
Desert – SF popsicle, cut up fruit, or SF gelatin

Well its been 2 1/2 month since my surgery and today i went to my medical dr. and weighed 350 lbs. i weighed 442 back on Oct 2011. By the time i had my surgery March 5th i weighed 417lbs, So now i have lost 67 lbs since my surgery and 92lbs since Oct. Many more to go

You know you have it bad when you read a post that talks about being so hungry that a person decided to chew some food and spit it out, just to feel like they were eating, and instead of being grossed out, you think damned, that sounds good!
That's what 21 days on fat free milk only does to your mind
Suregery tomorrow, thank God!

The nerves have set in today, I have this anxious energy that won't stop. It's like I've been nesting today, cleaning, bills, shopping, planning and so on. I just want tomorrow to go fast so I can get this part over! My brain won't stop thinking about everything, "am I doing the right thing, for the right reasons, is it selfish when I have a family to consider, would I ever be able to do it another way, don't I deserve this, what if something goes wrong, what will I look like in a year".... and on and on it goes. All the mental debates I've had over the months streaming back through two nights before.
Even with the doubts, I know this is the right choice! Just last minute jitters I guess.
My husband and I are going for an hour massage tomorrow, then we will get a clear fluid of some kind and walk for a while. Later I will pack for the hospital and then go to be early (if I can sleep) so I will be well rested for surgery on Tuesday. I'm so lucky to have a man like my husband in my life! He took a week off work to be with me every step of the way. I'm really thankful he is mine!
2 nights to go!

Thanks to those of you that did read my last whiney arsed post. I am still worried about the hospital bill, but you know I've been reading some bible entries (no I'm not the most biblical nor the most church going person; however, I'm in a women's study group of "seeing yourself through god's eyes" and it has helped me a bit). I sometimes forget that with my faith, everything will work out in the end.
 
We never have ppl over, it's a rarity. IDK why, we are hermits I guess. But one of the parents that helped us tremendously whenever I was in the hospital for the month of March, we had them over for dinner last night. I didn't know the dad was an atheist. He's been through a lot of physical abuse from his dad in his life and he said that's why he doesn't believe in God. He doesn't understand how a God can let bad things happen to people. Well, you know, I don't either but I told him it made me sad. Maybe I sound naive, but through all of my trials and tribulations, I have been angry at God and pissed at the world before - and God still is there - and He's still blessed me through my worst and loved me through it all. I've seen His blessings in my life. I don't know why bad things happen to good people.
 
One of the passages in the study that I am doing talked of God teaching us all lessons. Perhaps this parent that came over, his was where his lessons crossed and where his dad's lessons crossed as well. A few days ago Passion of the Christ was on PBS. I've never seen it and it was more than 1/2 over whenever I caught it on t.v. It shocked me how terribly they beat Jesus. Ok so I do sound naive, but I remember going to Catholic school for 8 years (as a non-Catholic, yes I was baptist going to private catholic school. Why? I think my parents wanted to keep me segregated. Written with total sarcasm: They loved that I married a black man........ but that's another therapy session/entry at another time...). I never understood the full extent of how they beat Jesus until I saw that scene - I really thought of it as an adult. Why did God allow all of that pain to be inflicted on His son? There was a point at the end - and in a long winded fashion, that's what trials and tribulations are for all of us. Lessons to be learned. Character that is grown through trials and tribulations.
 
Most of us are experiencing a trial in something that we share and that's weight loss (or grrr for the plateau patty's out there like me, the non weight loss at times, double grrr). I just hope most of us have the faith to know that God is there through whatever trial or tribulation. He has blessings in store for us, if we remain faithful. I'm having my moments on hospital bills and life and weight loss. But I will be ok. I know God's got my back, in the end. Doesn't mean the road won't be hard and that I won't cry or whine (y'all forgive me pls for that); however, thank you to those that help pick me up whenever I feel like I can't or that I feel like I am not worth it. We all have our moments..... thank you for picking me up whenever I have mine.
 
OH and btw, I DID get on the scale this morning. I'm down another .5 lb. Dang it, I'm counting it! lol... 59.5 total I think. I went today and tried on clothes at Ross (I am a cheapskate, I LOVE LOVE LOVE Ross) - and they all fit, some even being too big. So again to those that have said whenever I have a stall "have you measured yourself?" Well no, I don't measure.. but trying on clothes today SHOWED me keep on going. Remain in faith - you'll be surprised how God blesses you (and that I KNOW for sure).
 
So I hope someone that is in doubt, or may be struggling and may not speak up about it reads this, because I sincerely know how you feel. Remember pls you aren't alone.
 
And thank you to those that lift me up ... thank you much. Ok rambling rita signing off, lol... I wish you all blessings! xoxo
 
PS - OH and I leave you with one of my favorite quotes, I think it's from eggface.... I've been trying to remember this lately:
Weight loss is a journey, not a destination.

PSS - The other quote I love (and was in my studies, I saw it this morning): This too shall pass.
 
PSSS - And from my yoga class this morning (omg I thought I was gonna die, I wanted to quit at one point, it was hard but I stuck it out, just like life), the teacher was talking about yoga and comparing the stances to trials in life. He had a point. If you aren't happy or satisfied or whatever, stop and focus... not on others, not on what they have or have done, but on you and your blessings essentially... so remember :
What is your focus?

Well it is my last night of my old life. Surgery at 11:30 in the morning. I can't seem to get things ready. I still haven't even packed my bag yet. I am terrified but know what ever happens is God's will and it is out of my hands at this point.
 
It is hard to describe how I feel today. I;m apprehensive but so ready to be on the other side. I pray that the pain isn't too bad and my surgery is uneventful. Sometimes I feel like I'm being selfish when I pray for myself. I have a strong Christian faith and I know that HE is in control not me. I'm keep holding on to that.
 
Thanks everyone for listening to me whine about everything since my journey began. You guys rock! I'm not really one of those people that says "the glass is half full".... I'm sure you've caught on to that reading my post. I will, however, go into this surgery with a positive attitude.
 
Thanks to this forum for helping me to this point. Tomorrow is the beginning to my my new life.
 
Next blog will be on the other side!

It amazes me how much my body has changed in only five weeks. Rolls are smaller, my side boobs are almost gone, and my stomach is semi flat (though still big). My legs are changing and shaping and my boobs are shrinking to the smallest they have been since college....when I used to think they were very large. If I have changed this much is such a short time, I can't even imagine what I will look like in a year. The idea of being around 150 pounds is still unreal to me. I know it's my goal and I am doing everything I need to in order to make my goal, but it still seems crazy to me to think I could ever bee that thin. I wasn't even that thin in high school.
 
Yesterday I took the plunge and tried on my bathing suit. I knew when I bought it two years ago that it was too small for me, but I didn't care. I shoved every inch of fat into it and enjoyed myself on the beach or in the pool. That won't be the case this year. First, it went right on with no wiggle-wiggle. You girls know what I mean. The moving your body and the garment in an attempt to get it up and over your ___________(fill in the blank). Nope, this time it slid right up. It fit perfectly and I looked good in it. Not model good, but good. I will no longer have to pretend that I feel comfortable at the beach, because now I will be. I was so excited that I came running out of the bedroom to tell my husband only to find him passed out on the couch taking a nap. So, I decided to jump into the car and drive the mile to my parent's home and show my new body to my mother. I was smart enough to throw some clothes on before running out the door. I think it would be a little strange to see a woman driving in her bathing suit this early in the summer. I do live near a beach, so it's not as uncommon as you may think. I literately walked into the house, said hello and stripped down to my bathing suit. Lucky for me my mother is very understanding and didn't demand me to stop stripping in her kitchen. Instead, she looked me up and down and told me how wonderful I look. Yea, I look wonderful in a bathing suit. LOL
 
Then to make my weekend even better, I tried on a pair of Old Navy sweats I bought prior to my surgery. They couldn't get over my but when I bought them but now, they fit just perfectly. I am really liking this weight loss thing that comes from getting a sleeve. I wish someone would have told me this would have been a side affect. I would have done it a long time ago. LOL Just kidding. The only side affect I didn't really know about was how good I would really feel and not just because the clothes fit. It's more just feeling better all around. Knowing I did something for me that is making me healthier every day. Now, if weight loss is a part of that, I'll take it. I will also take feeling good in a bathing suit (both kinds) because, that's something I haven't felt .... well, ever.

I was super excited to fit into this shirt I haven't been able to wear for awhile and these size 18 (no W after it!) pants from Walmart (those I had to stretch out last night by doing the fun lunging and squatting
 
I was working with some young kids releasing butterflies and one of the other teachers took this nice shot. If you compare it to my profile picture you can see I've lost weight in the face.

Now that I am in the week before surgery, my family who is very supportive, has shared there fears and concerns with my about the procedure I am electing to have. They have made it a point to make sure I know how much they love me no matter what I weigh. This week I am having to reassure them, that I am making a very educated choice, not just because of a jean size, but for my future health. I have a great surgeon who will be doing her best for a great outcome. I know there is always a fear regarding any medical procedures, I'm just going to have to rely on God to see me through.
 
Only 5 nights to go, I'm so anxious, I hope these nights go by fast because I can't think of anything else. Just have to get through 2 more days of work, pray I can keep my head in the game!

Hi Everyone,
 
Well at last I have managed to get myself a little more co-ordinated and am now doing the step plus daily. Before you ask, yes I am still a klutz, with two left feet and no sense of direction. But, now I am a klutz with two left feet, no sense of direction and able to move that bit faster and longer than before. Yea!
 
I have also had a small move on the scales (very small) I have lost another 1/4 lb. Pathetic isn't it. However, I am hoping that this is the start of things moving again. 6 weeks is long enough for any stall.
 
Actually, the extra time and movement with the step plus is already paying off, as this week I have been out with my husband and one of my sons and we have walked miles. Something I would not have been able to do before, so on that front I feel great. I have upped the jogging to ten minutes at a time now. The first time I did ten minutes I thought I would die, but it does get easier, although I don't think I will ever really enjoy running. Never mind. Walking in general is so much easier and is my preferred choice of exercise.
 
I am still eating well and carefully, making good choices although I did succumb to a square of my husband's chocolate bar the other night. (it was lovely). I am just loving being able to eat any vegetable and any fruit now. I still can't eat a great deal of salad but that's ok. I enjoy what I do have. The weather here is improving and I am really looking forward to barbecue season. Lots of lovely protein and all alfresco to boot.
 
I don't go back for another weigh in until June, so I hope I can shift a bit of weight by then. I saw on this site someone managed to lose 90 lbs in just ten weeks. Wow, I was absolutely amazed, and then completely green with envy. Then I figured I don't know how much she weighed at the start, whether she lost any weight on a pre op diet and countless other bits of information that will have had an effect on her weight loss and on mine. We are all individuals, our bodies react differently, and I just have to accept that mine will do it's own thing in it's own sweet time. (sigh).
 
Don't you just hate the fact that it used to be sooooooooo much easier to put on weight than lose it. At least during my stall I never gained any weight, and that is a first!!! Before the sleeve I would most definately have gained weight in that five/six weeks. So I may be slow, (lets face it, there is no maybe about it!) but I am heading in the right direction. I just have to keep on going.
 
So to all other slow losers, keep on keeping on
Phoenix

Wednesday will be the one month anniversary of being sleeved....what a wild, crazy trip it's been! As of yesterday, I am 30lbs down from the weight I was on sleeve day, which is pretty damn good given the circumstances.
 
I still have abdominal edema from my portal vein clot, which is making clothing an interesting proposition. I can now barely button pants I wore pre-op, but the thighs and butt are loose...it's just that pesky abdomen full of fluid! I appear to have also lost some breast tissue, which is an annoyance. I have a job interview today and tried on my normal interview dress: almost too tight in the middle, hanging odd on the top ( I don't fill it out at well!). Makes me look like pregnant potato, but it will have to suffice.
 
Food has been a hot topic this week. For 8 days, I hung out between 269-270lbs on the scale. Then two nights ago, we were at the movies and I broke down and tried popcorn...and found that Cthulu Jr likes it....a lot! All told I had about 1/2 a cup over a period of 2 hours. But the odd part was, in the past I would not have been discerning. I would have eaten any old kernel that ended up my hand. This time, I found myself hunting through the bag for those perfect salty, buttery, seasoned, puffy pieces - and rejecting any other imperfect tidbits. Very satisfying. Next morning I get on the scale....and bam! 266. Excellent.
 
Today I had one thick, perfect piece of Boars Head Mesquite Turkey Breast lunch meat....delicious. CJ found this palatable as well. Yesterday I had a single saltine cracker with my chili at lunch, and it added that crunch that I had been craving. Not the best nutritionally, but it has forstalled my decent into total insanity for yet another week.
 
This time last week, I remarked to my dear husband that I was afraid to try new foods. I was pretty much stuck with tuna, chili (blended), mashed potato, and refried beans. But I finally realized that I can't live like that forever and I had to move past my fear.
 
Relearning how to eat has been scary. I don't want to be that woman who at 6 months post-op is back to eating a ton of junk. But I am one of those people who had this surgery not so I could live my life on terrible tasting synthetic protein foods...but so I could live as a 'normal' person. So I could eat sensibly 90% of the time, but still nibble on a sliver of cake at my best friend's wedding, or have the occasional bite of a Cinnabon. Today has been the first day since April 16th that I have not regretted this surgery.
 
I am hoping that the days that follow are much the same.

Here I am sitting at 308 lbs, well that is what they weighed me in at the doctor's office on May 9th 2012. I went for my first consult. The dr says he does not think showing a medical need will be any problem. It is just a wait and see game to know what hoops the insurance(Aetna) is going to make me jump through. The office said it will take about 2 weeks to hear back from the insurance company. Come on 2 weeks. I am ready to start a life that has me playing the lead as a smaller ME!
 
I have been fat my entire life and it has caused me such mental pain and now it is causing me physical pain as well. This is the largest I have EVER been in my entire life. When you hit rock bottom I guess there is only one way to go and that is up. My weight got out of hand after being pregnant 5 times. I have had two miscarriages and 3 live births. I was on bed rest with the last two for a good half of the pregnancy. Since that time I can not make the scale move in the opposite direction. It just keeps moving up.
 
I want to be able to chase my girls and play without being afraid of hurting one of them. It is funny the larger I get the more I just want to hide and the more impossible being able to hide gets.
 
Does anyone have Aetna? If so what kind of experience did you have?