DeLarla

I just went to the kitchen to fill up my bucket-o-water. ERIN IS IN THERE MAKING FRENCH BREAD pizza. It's 10:30 in the morning. Ten F-ing thirty, and the office smells like pizza. I'm going to die. I know I will. I finished the one Propel, but I gave the supply to my buddy, Jon. He's on my side through all this. I'm gagging down Water to get the pizza smell out of my nose. YES, I shook up those damn sodas! The whole front row of them. Queen - I'm really weird and would probably love a North Dakota winter. Any time I've walked through hip-deep snow all I can do is laugh my ass off.

My band is more accurate than CNN when it comes to weather. It's also more reliable than a Timex. Yep, mine is a very valuable clock and weather station. Too bad it can't pick Lotto numbers (yet, it's still in training.)

I've been banded about 1.5 years, and I practically NEVER had a port. The band alone offers a good amount of restriction. I've had two fills, and I was extremely lucky the Mexican doctor didn't overfill me. But he very easily could have! Flashbacks remind me how hard the Water was to get down when I was still on the surgery table. He shot in some saline, then had me sit up and drink. It took a minute for the water to get down, but he ASKED ME if I wanted a little tighter. I said YES. So he gave me more saline. This was way before I had so much knowledge. If I knew fills usually take a couple days to kick in, I would have passed on the extra fill. Dr. Billy flat out REFUSED to give me even a drop of extra saline when he removed my last port. I practically begged, but that's why Billy has so many healthy Bandsters. Where are you today? How are you feeling? Are you going to Mexico for the port removal?

I LOVE this thread! NJ Chick is the cutest thing around here! I have my own sliding glass door to a patio in my office. Today I wore a long sleeve sweater, then opened my door to hear the pinecones clunking when the wind blows. Then my puter crashed, so I had to lock down and I'm now in the back of the building in a dark, lonely corner. I'm riding my motorcycle to work the rest of the week because bundling up in my leather jacket makes me feel like I rule the world. It's beautiful here.

During my monthly "visit" from Aunt Flo, I have an AX WOUND. My late MIL used to tell people to "KISS PINKY" when she was mad at them. She was referring to her bung hole (there's another one.) I use the term, "doorbell" when I'm refering to my girl buzzer. I tell my ladies, "TELL YOUR LOVER THEY CAN'T GET IN THE FRONT DOOR OR THE BACK DOOR UNLESS THEY RING THE DOORBELL." Too bad that's not my line.. I borrowed it from a Slumber Sister, but it's a great one!

Have I told you all how much I adore you lately? Now, will you all please send me written, signed consent forms so I can steal all these great words to use in my shows? Poofie? Ting Tang? SUSIE? My husband has a Mangina.

Hi Baby. xoxo from Vegas.

Interesting topic since that's been the theme of my whole week. I already had lenghthy discussions with my 3 normie friends. One is too skinny, but all she eats is chicken, veggies and rice - every day. That's borderline anorexic in my opinion because she whines about being fat (flat belly, size 1, 2 grown kids, no cellulite.) Then friend #2 was size 6 her entire life & never had to think about weight. She just went thru horrible divorce & put 10 lbs on instantly, and she's totally freaked out but can't change her bad night-eating habit. I told her to knock it off now or she'll just keep gaining - get that 6 back now or it could be 16 next year. Then I talked w/ my closest friend this morning - almost in tears over my sugar addiction. To my surprise, she's just as scared as me. She got a new job near a vending machine and splooged (thanks for that word) once on a candy bar. Next day she treated herself again. Now she says the addiction has her scrambling for change at an urgent pace every afternoon. So she even got hooked to candy, and a few pounds have crept up. I even tell my skinny friends that have gained a few to knock it off. I tell them to use me as an example, that a few pounds are no biggy, but the addiction and bad habits tend to take over and get uncontrollable. So, in aswer to your question, even the skinny ones are in the same struggling boat.

P.S. STUPID 7-11 doesn't carry any diet ice tea. I gotta make my own tomorrow. I'm giving up sugar. I have to. I'm looking great for a 43 yr old 250-ish broad... but just once... just once... I want to be drop-dead HOT. I want to put on a slinky skirt and some friggen hooker lookin' cha-cha heels and be a six foot tall frigggen Amazon beauty just once. I can't do it without you guys, either. SMOOCHES from my sugar free lips

Damn, damn, damn. I made it through one day without drinking any sugar at all! Then today I stocked up on Propel and stupid Splenda drinks (hate it, gag, puke barf.) Then I choked down my Splenda coffee, gross. But I'm determined to kick the sugar... so I'm half way done with my Propel, thinking, "hmm, this stuff is yummy." Then I look at the stupid label and it's loaded with sugar, too! Now I've polluted my temple once again. I don't need a clock or watches because I can tell you within 15 minutes of the time based on my sugar craving. I start itching and Jones'n at 11:45, then again at 2:45, etc. So now that I've had sugar, I'll need more around noon. Propel isn't a good choice for me because of my severe addiction. Damn, gotta start from Square One. I did NOT eat in bed last night. That's huge for me... HUGE. PLEASE KEEP KICKING MY ASS. The holding lovey dovey stuff doesn't work for me, I need tough-hard-as-nails love. He'll, throw shoes at me if ya gotta. Thanks everyone - you guys got me through a rough time last night so I'm leaning on you. This is a funny thread, but damn serious. I got busted shaking sodas in the fridge this morning, but it's my "anti-soda" co-worker who LOVED the idea. And I can't throw them away. My firm buys an entire pallet of sodas every month. They are stacked up by the case, stacked in the fridge - everywhere. Diet, regular, Coke, Pepsi, 7-Up. It may as well be pills, crack, meth, cocaine, pot. Same diff.

Okay, it's 10:05 p.m. I did not drink Coke. I did eat Cookies, but I did not eat in bed. There, I said it. My 2nd latest weirdo habit is eating in bed. Not tonight though. Good night. I'll see you in the morning looking like Hanibal Lechter (sp?) I didn't even begin to tell you about Erin's stupid Candy Corn. I don't even like the stuff, so it's easy to say NO. But that wasn't good enough for her, so she starts chanting, "it's cho-co-lattteeee." I chant back, "it's little pieces of candle waxxxxx." Then she sends me a list of ingredients to prove there's no wax and highlights and underlines the chocolate part. One day I'll get fired over her, so I better make it good. I'm not going to be able to sleep because I'm so excited about shaking all the Cokes. And the funnest part is that I have 100% support from my attorney! He's supported me through my entire Band journey, and he's warned me to be careful around Erin. He's really skinny, and it blows his mind that she's not 600 pounds the way she eats all day. I've never seen a man eat like her. I have a feeling that Erin's husband doesn't let her eat at home - or he really tries watching her weight. I swear, she has two French Bread pizzas with a box of crackers and a tub of cream cheese and spinach dip on her desk at 8:00 a.m. Then she's first to lunch at 11:30 for anything Supersized, then makes Snacks in the toaster oven in the afternoon (snacks like a football party spread.) So I wonder if she eats all day then pretends she doesn't eat when her husband is around. Either way, she's sick, sick, sick. She makes me insane with the food.

There aren't always symptoms. Several of my friends had erosion but didn't know it. They went for regular fills, and the doctor noticed the barium wasn't flowing through the band correctly. They usually stop the fill process right there, then schedule you for an endoscopy (camera down the throat to look at the belly for erosion.) The endoscopy is the only true way to see erosion, but you can see signs with the fluoroscopy.

THAT'S IT. THAT F-NG C@#45WHORE IS HISTORY. I am shaking the HELL out of every f@#$#%ING can of soda on those @#$@%$ pallets first thing in the morning. I'm PISSED. I didn't have these #$%@$%@#$% stupid mother-f@#$%@$%@ Coke cravings before @#$%@$%@#$ Erin! How mad am I? !#$%#$%@#$%@#$%@#$%@#$ THAT %@#$%@$% MAD! Watch out, Erin. Here comes DeLarla. I'm going to bring that girl a Coke every half hour. Here's a cold Coke, Erin. Here's one on ice. Here's a double. Here's one with a friggen cherry, and another with a scoop of FAT ASS vanilla. She's a nice gal, but the party is over. I will not look like her, no, no, no. The good news is that I stayed away from Coke all day (first day in months.) Not even a sip. Bad news is I'm flying to the moon after OD-ing on Diet Pepsi (to stop Coke cravings.) Tomorrow I'm back to my Diet Arizona Green Tea. Better get the F outta my way, too. I sure hope I can be this mad in the morning. I can't WAIT to shake the F out of those cans! Oh, this is going to be more fun than I imagined. I owe you all a Coke (ducking from those flying shoes.) HA! Damn, I feel like a mad woman. I've lost my last marble - all over some friggen soda? Mmmm, soda. NO. Yes, soda. No, DeLarla. Shut up, Lisa. Bitch. Slut. Fat Ass. Moron. C-word. STOP THE INSANITY. Now where did I put my crack dealer's phone number?

Keep reminding yourself that a healthy BAND is more important than a healthy port. The Band is the important thing. Keep it safe and healthy - the port is the easy part.

Hi Erin, I'm the resident pro on port infections, and I'm a little worried. Please don't get scared because you might be fine, but you should get a 2nd opinion pronto before getting a fill. I went through exactly what you are going through. My port incision never healed - it just leaked and leaked and never closed. About a month after surgery, I was told the port had to be removed. I was afraid to trust him, so I started calling other surgeons. A total of 5 surgeons agreed that an infected port MUST be removed. But an infected port can lead to erosion, which is why my doctors wanted me to wait several months to be sure I was clean-clean-clean before getting a new port. The doc that removed the port was in Mexico, and he gave me a fill before removing the port to hold me over. However, my current US surgeon said it's horrible medical practice to give someone a fill before removal. My US surgeon had to save a guy that just got filled before port removal. By the time he got home from the hospital, he couldn't swallow liquid because the fill took awhile to kick in. Then he had to rush back to the hospital for another surgery where they opened him, put a port in, unfilled him, then took the port out. ALL AT HIS EXPENSE AND PAIN. Please, you waited long enough for the band, so be patient and let them take out the port. I don't have a port, and I'm still maintaining a 60 pound weight loss. Please read this part very carefully: Ask your doctor where he plans to "stash" the extra tube when he removes the port. I learned that the tube needs to be stashed in the abdominal wall. When they removed my first port, they just left the tube floating around, and it tried to make its way out of my body. At one point, the tube actually found it's way out of the incision, so I walked around with tube sticking out of the infected port incision. The reason was because tube too near the surface of the skin will prevent the wound from closing. My advise: Have your port removed immediately. Allow yourself a solid 3 months (at least) to heal. Then get an endoscopy and a laproscopy. The endo is a camera that goes down your throat and looks at the inside of your belly. The lapro is a small incision (like in the belly button) where a camera sees the outside of the band. Make sure you have NO signs of erosion before getting a new port. AN INFECTED PORT CAN LEAD TO EROSION. Don't put yourself through any extra heart ache. I'll PM you my number. It breaks my heart that anyone else has to go through with this, so I'll make you a deal, right here, right now. If you take my advice and heed my warnings, I will be your personal diet buddy. I will commit to losing as much weight as you say. We can call each other every night, write, hell, fly halfway around the moon for a lunch walk if we gotta. See you in PM.

Thank you! I need all the positive vibes I can get. The problem started with ERIN, the $@%#$@$%^@#$% CO-WORKER who was placed on this planet for the sole purpose of torturing me. She's the one that eats all day. 300 pound woman that doesn't shut her mouth when she chews - food flying everywhere. She makes dinner at 8:00 a.m. every morning in the company kitchen and walks around with plates of meatballs and wings. I shut my door, but it's really too hard to work that way. Anyway, my firm buys 2 pallets of soda every month. I always ignored them, but then Erin walks around with a Coke all day talking about Coke this, Coke that, "how can you get by without Coke?" "Can I get you a Coke?" "Boy, I need a Coke." Pretty soon we started fighting. Grown women at a law firm. I eventually started screaming at her because nothing I said worked. I asked nice for months to leave the food, food suggestions, menus, COKE, candy, and dinner for Breakfast away from me. Eventually I broke down. Erin handed me my first real Coke. Those pallets of soda never bothered me before. Now it may as well be a mountain of cocaine to a drug addict. It's 3:00 p.m. Still no sugar. Can I make it till 4:00?

Oops, let me correct myself. 800 calories a day isn't enough food. I wasn't saying you should eat 800 calories, I was simply stating that if you only eat that much, the weight will start to fall off fast - and very unhealthily (is that a word?)

Friends, I'm in a bad, bad situation. I've consumed more sugar in the past 3 months than all my life combined. What the heck happened to me? I never drank Coke. EVER. I had no desire for Coke or Pepsi because I was addicted to Diet Pepsi. Several months back I had a real Coke. Then another. I saw other Bandsters drinking Dr. Pepper and Coke, so I started. Now I can't stop. I'm actually being serious for a change. Yesterday I went all day with no soda. Then I actually popped a Pepsi open at 9:30 p.m. IN BED. ANOTHER CONFESSION: I picked up a new habit of eating in bed, then going right to sleep. I almost called Michelle last night, but the phone was too far away. I need to confess this because I'm really scared. I've gained about 10 pounds, and I want to stop the insanity. It's 2pm. I switched back to Diet Pepsi today, and I ate plain Protein for lunch. All I need is one day. I need to make it past one night without opening a Coke. Why did this happen? How the hell can someone my age come up with new bad habits this late in the game. And yes, I said HELL because that's what it's like.

We have lots of spitters around here. GOOD for you for spitting it out! I wish I had that kind of willpower, but once something falls in my mouth it's all over.

Bub, this sounds extremely familiar to me... I'm going to hunt for a friend on-line now because I think she went through something similar. It rings a loud bell, but I can't figure out where I've heard this before... lemme go sniff around.

Hi Quilter Mom, I wish you would have introduced yourself sooner. I just sent a huge box of quilting scraps to a Katrina donation center with the suggestion for someone crafty to start a Katrina Love Quilt. I sure hope the stuff gets used, cause I would have loved to send it to a fellow bandster. Congrads on your skinny self! Nice to meet you.

On another thread, one of our members referred to her girl parts as giblets. I'm still laughing! What are some of your household nicknames? Follow my lead: Grandma used to make me go "Shishee" before we left the house (pee pee.) I have a Nooner (coochie.) My husband likes a good hooter. Or he wants me to hooter his p****.) Tampons = poonage Poonage for the noonage = Tampons (thank Chris for that one.)

Estela, you already took and passed the first step. Most people like you blame everyone around them, but admitting that you and your husband are the ones that spoiled him is the best way to fix the problem. You are in the right direction by becoming more firm. When you tell him NO, then you mean NO. I helped intervene with a similar child. She was hell-on-wheels, and my first few sessions with her nearly split my ears. Her mother would drop the screaming, kicking, fighting terror at my house, where I would put Chloe in the "Crying Room." That was our guest room. She'd scream Bloody Mary in there, but it's all for attention. I would let her scream all alone. Then as she calmed, I brought her a cold rag and told her she could only come out of the crying room when she was calm. The first time was about 40 minutes of screaming and crying, but it wears them out. Then she whimpered and hiccuped and said she wanted out. I wouldn't let her come out till she could talk without skipping a breath. Then, after she knew I meant business, I would make her sit on the couch and drink a glass of Water and wipe her face with a cold rag. No TV, no dogs, no toys. Then we'd talk. If she started crying again, it was right back to the Crying Room. The rules are that nobody can enter the Crying Room. The good news is that Chloe only got sentenced to the Crying Room 4 times. After that she was healed. She knew she wasn't allowed to hit, or scream, or act like a brat around me. Soon she was a perfectly behaived kid in my house. You can NOT give in to screaming brats or they'll run your entire home. It's hard in the beginning, but if you don't fix it now you'll have your hands too full in the future. I also took away Chloe's favorite toys after she hit her brother. She'd let out a screech so loud that windows would shatter! I put some older toys in the trash and she never got them back. Others I hid in the garage. I repeated, "YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS" but I never raised my voice. A week later, after she had been good, she asked for her toys back. I made her sit on the couch and talk about the bad behavior that got the toys taken away, then I had to tell her she'd never see them again since the trashman took them. She tried really hard to choke back tears. It was really hard to do, but if YOU don't follow through with threats, then they have no reason to behaive. After a couple weeks, she started being really good, so we sat down for another talk about her extra good behavior. Only after that did we go get her toys from the garage. Estela, it might sound harsh, and it's very hard to do. The good news is that you only have to do it a couple times. Give your son the message that YOU ARE THE BOSS. At first he'll fight it, but it might just take a week or two.

Oh, and as far as not eating enough calories to lose weight, that's just a myth. Sure, the body may kick in and "TRY" to hold onto your fat when you are in true starvation mode, but people starve to death all the time. It's just a temporary state of being. If you eat 800 calories, the weight will eventually fall off.

The only thing I'll say is that each person is different. Some have sexual dysfunctions and need a strong enhancement (like X) while other products are designed specifically for the overly-sensitive. Kim, if the person who sold you the X knew you were ultra sensitive, you should demand your money back because it wasn't designed for your sensitive bod. Would you use bleach on delicate fabric? Would you take prescription meds without instructions from the pharmacist? Ouch is right! Too many distributors (Fun Parties, Mary Kay, Pampered Chef, Slumber, etc.) just want to make money so they'll sell you anything. Remember, this is my hobby, not my full time job - you don't have to buy something to ask me for info. I have a truckload of testimonials from around the country. Some are good, some are bad, and I'll share all of them in private. Please feel free to contact me privately by e-mail, PM, phone. I'm not a good salesperson because I talk clients out of products and "things" all the time. Even if you buy it elsewhere, feel free to call me with any questions. Peace.