I am so overwhelmed w/ this that I can't think straight. Well let me tell you, my three year old son attends a home daycare and Friday I got a letter from his care provider telling me that she will no longer be able to keep my child because of his behavior. He fights w/ other kids and when she tries to put him in time out, he even hits her. What am I supposed to do? He does fight at home w/ his sister, but I didn't realize the problem was this big. I have enrolled him at the private school my girls attend and have spoken w/ his new teacher and expressed my concerns regarding his behavior. She said she would work w/ me. She is strict --my little girl had her last year and she is tough. I don't really know what to do?? I called his pediatrician and he recommended we take him to a child psychologist (sp?) I just called to make an appt and they don't take our insurance, so it is going to be $150 hr, that is alot. I went ahead and scheduled an appt, but don't know if that is the route I should go?? Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? I think that most of his behavioral problems are directly connected to how we treat him. When he was born he had some medical issues and later had to have some surgeries to remove some very large hemangiomas on his face, back and leg, so I guess what I'm trying to say that because he went through so much, we are overprotective of him -- lets put it this way, he gets his way most of the time, and I'm sorry to say that my husband is the one that does most of the letting it slide by, I am guilty of it too, but sometimes it so much easier to just say give it to him so he shuts up. It sounds horrible but I do it and my husband does it. We have created a little monster, I don't know what to do?? I am going to start being more consistant w/ my disciplining this has got to stop, I hate that my child is seen that way. You know the type, you say oh no here he comes!! We all know someone that has that type of child, well I have one. I would appreciate any advice you may have.

Estela,

Did your care provider ever let you know previously that he had an issue with the above or is she just not wanting to deal with him?? I know children are different at home vs when they are at Day Care. I would see how he acts with the teacher first before stressing the appt's and money with the child Psy. I am in the same boat with my older son 7 1/2 going on 20 but he has a strict teacher this year and he knows when to not cross the line with her. Give it a couple weeks and follow up with her twice a week on how things are going.

Good Luck

every now and then she has told me that he had a bad day and fought, but other days he gets bullied and hit and it goes back and forth. In my opinion they are kids, you know. When he comes home w/ a knot on his head or a scratch on his arm, I just shrugg it off, kids play, so to speak.. But your advice is very good and I was just thinking the same thing, I made the appt until the 31st that gives him three weeks w/ the new teacher and maybe just maybe we won't have to see the dr. So cross your fingers and please keep me in your prayers, that I don't lose my sanity and that I have the patience and the knowledge to be a better parent and to do what is best for my child. He also has some outstanding qualities, loving and sweet, he is my first boy so I don't have too much experience w/ boys, my girls are different, they are all pink and nice. My mom says he is just being a boy and that he will grow out of what ever he is going through, I don't see him as such a bad child, but then again, I don't know what he is like when he is not w/ me. Hopefully we can take care of any issues that he might have and maybe just maybe he will do better in the school environment than the home daycare. He has been telling me that he wants to go to the christian school w/ his sisters so maybe this will be a good change for him. We'll see. Thanks for your wonderful advice.

i would suggest you both go to parenting classes on how to deal with your child and his behavior. Most kids need limits and will push beyond the limit and need to be put back at the limit. You might check with your local church and see if they have a counseling program, many schools do too. Is his agression attention? Is he able to stick to tasks at hand? If not he could also have ADD or ADHD and need medications to help keep him calm. I dont like kids to be on medications, but they do help. Also DIET is importain watch red dyes and sugars.

Estela, you already took and passed the first step. Most people like you blame everyone around them, but admitting that you and your husband are the ones that spoiled him is the best way to fix the problem. You are in the right direction by becoming more firm. When you tell him NO, then you mean NO.

I helped intervene with a similar child. She was hell-on-wheels, and my first few sessions with her nearly split my ears. Her mother would drop the screaming, kicking, fighting terror at my house, where I would put Chloe in the "Crying Room." That was our guest room. She'd scream Bloody Mary in there, but it's all for attention. I would let her scream all alone. Then as she calmed, I brought her a cold rag and told her she could only come out of the crying room when she was calm. The first time was about 40 minutes of screaming and crying, but it wears them out. Then she whimpered and hiccuped and said she wanted out. I wouldn't let her come out till she could talk without skipping a breath. Then, after she knew I meant business, I would make her sit on the couch and drink a glass of Water and wipe her face with a cold rag. No TV, no dogs, no toys. Then we'd talk. If she started crying again, it was right back to the Crying Room. The rules are that nobody can enter the Crying Room.

The good news is that Chloe only got sentenced to the Crying Room 4 times. After that she was healed. She knew she wasn't allowed to hit, or scream, or act like a brat around me. Soon she was a perfectly behaived kid in my house. You can NOT give in to screaming brats or they'll run your entire home.

It's hard in the beginning, but if you don't fix it now you'll have your hands too full in the future.

I also took away Chloe's favorite toys after she hit her brother. She'd let out a screech so loud that windows would shatter! I put some older toys in the trash and she never got them back. Others I hid in the garage. I repeated, "YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS" but I never raised my voice.

A week later, after she had been good, she asked for her toys back. I made her sit on the couch and talk about the bad behavior that got the toys taken away, then I had to tell her she'd never see them again since the trashman took them. She tried really hard to choke back tears. It was really hard to do, but if YOU don't follow through with threats, then they have no reason to behaive.

After a couple weeks, she started being really good, so we sat down for another talk about her extra good behavior. Only after that did we go get her toys from the garage.

Estela, it might sound harsh, and it's very hard to do. The good news is that you only have to do it a couple times. Give your son the message that YOU ARE THE BOSS. At first he'll fight it, but it might just take a week or two.

Not that you are passing blame, but have you ever asked your son his opinion of his behavior at daycare. I have seen it several times where provider and children just don't hit it off and no matter what he would do it becomes an issue. Displine is extremely tough, hang in there but also listen to what he has to say about his day. Yes a three year old can't be in charge but sometimes it is the only way to get a point across. Good luck with the new school. I would save my $150 for now and see how it goes. Thinking about you, sometimes parenting just isn't a textbook.

Shelley

I think that most of his behavioral problems are directly connected to how we treat him.

I can so relate to this, we have done the same thing with our youngest son who had cancer, he missed out on 4 yrs of his life so we have been making it up to him ever since, but I now realize I have created a monster. I feel your frustration. One day at a time is all I do..I have made some changes and they are working. I work hand in hand with his teacher to correct any behavioral problems he may have we have a system where the teacher sends me home a slip everyday telling me whether my son stayed on task or not and turned in his work and was focused or not , if NOT he has consequences, if he stays on task he gets rewards..it is working beautifully. My son enjoys being rewarded for his good behavior then punished for his bad behavior. It can be a reward something as simple as getting an hour more TV time, or 1 hour more to stay outside and play..or a new video game at the end of the week...or dinner out with just me and dad ( no brothers) anywhere of his choice. My son is a very active child who loves to play outside and he is always doing something, he is the most popular 6th grader in his school, onme of my punishments is no computer no cell phone, no instant messenger, n ogoing out with his friends on Friday or Saturday nights to the arcade ot the movies. that kills him so he is really focusing on behaving so he does not lose privledges..Good luck and hang in there and know you are not alone

Hi

I had a son like yours, and I wasn't a good disiplinarian either. I sure wish I would have been able to. But I had been tortured and abused in my home growing up and was always trying to give him a loving childhood. I forgot that children actually thrive on boundaries and that they need to be told "no" and be taught how to handle their frustrations, like everyone else.

You are seeing what kind of behavior he has now and in my opinion that's a great step forward. I couldn't see what I was doing wrong and he is 30 years old now. He does not have respect for me and I know that I have created it.

Yes go to parenting classes, watch Nanny 911 and that other Nanny show, they are really informative. Do it now so he can learn how to be a sucessful adult. This is the job we are supposed to do for our children.

I loved what DeLara said, it is really great advice.

Please keep us posted on the progress, I am pulling for you all.

I have a 3 yr old girl and she is going through the same thing as your son. We've had a few talks with her teachers (she's in a pre-school) and it's an on-going cycle. She definitely has anger issues and when she doesn't get her way she throws herself down on the ground kicking and screaming. She tries to hit and when she does we send her to the corner or to her room - in fact I think she spent more time in the corner this weekend then out of it. Honestly, I think it's a phase she's going through. I think between 2-3 kids start feeling more independence and try to establish themselves as people and when doing so they can lean towards destructive behavior. The best thing we've found that works with her, is my DH talking with her in a low voice, sending her to her room, taking toys away, and putting her in the corner. She thrives on attention so when she's stuck in the corner she hates it. If I lose patience with her and start raising my voice it just makes it worse, so I don't know if that's how your son is too, but try not to raise your voice as they just tend to do the same right back at you escalating the situation. I think Delarla's advice is great. If you have a spare room - a "naughty room" or some specific spot that you can always send him to when he acts up, or a favorite toy, etc you can take away for a fixed period of time, that will teach him there are consequences for his behavior. Do NOT let him fight with his siblings, you must teach him at home that that behavior is not ok or he's just going to act like that elsewhere with other kids. He must be taught from you that hitting, screaming, etc is not ok and you must be consistent. Siblings fighting amongst themselves is normal, BUT, the behavior still must be addressed and discipline enforced. He must learn to express himself through words and not through hitting. I am right there with ya girlfriend! It's a lot of work, but everyone's telling me to just be consistent and she will learn quickly...

We have a little girl who's 2 and a half, five and a half years younger than our middle son and seven years younger than our oldest son. Oh my goodness have we spoiled her. It was so much fun having a girl!

She's a holy terror but thankfully only at home, she behaves perfectly at daycare with other kids.

My middle son was almost expelled from daycare for eyegouging at 15 months old! Parents were complaining left right and centre about the horrific wounds (ones likely to scar) that he'd caused and the centre told me they could not continue to have him if it went on. I was dumbfounded because he never did it at home. He'd learned the behaviour at daycare and only did it at daycare yet they insisted it was my problem to deal with. I had absolutely no idea what to do, he was too young to talk to, he couldnt even talk yet! So I did nothing and thankfully it passed.

I think the suggestions above are good though, sometimes a little tough love is needed. Its so hard because you love him and know what a beautiful child he is, its not nice to think others are thinking he's a little brat.

Just want to add - No child is bad - They just make Bad choices. My first born has been Hell on wheels and I understand you every stept of the way. His Kindergarden teacher had us jump through the hoops with parenting classes ADD classes - the whole nine yards. We finally figured a system that works for us but it deals with a whole new school a good stern teacher and being on the same page as my husband. We are not there yet where I would like to be but slowley with time..

Estela, I think the advice here has been wonderful, but I would like to add - I think that this is a 'family' issue not your son's issue alone. You have done wonderfully to realise your mistake and take responsibility for your son's behaviour, but if you send him alone to a psychologist I dont think it will help very much, I think it would be much better for your whole family to have a couple of 'family therapy' sessions. I prefer this idea because then your son will have your support and not feel singled out as 'the problem child', a label that can stick for years. Other than that, the girls are right, a little tough love is the way to go; although you must remember that his behaviour will get worse in the beginning as he tries out and tests his new boundaries. Best of Luck with it Estela, I think you are doing, and will do, wonderfully!

I am dealing with the EXACT situations.I went out and bought some books,"Nanny 911" and "how to raise a strong willed child".Most of my son and daugther's behaviour is directly related to my hubby's and i parenting skills(low) so we decided to teach ourselves to be better parents,by setting CLEAR boundaries,limits,posted rules & AM and PM routine on the fridge.Reward sticker system for good behaviour and naughty step for time out.Consistency for us(me)is the key.I realized they couldn't act right if they didn't know how.If sometimes it was ok to act a certain way (cuz i was too tired or just not to have to deal with a meltdown) and sometimes it wasn't ok, they would of course be confused.Now the rules are clear for home, car/school bus,NO exceptions.

Good luck,it's not easy but so worth it!

Fellow parent in distress!

Chantal

I can't offer you any advice that you haven't already gotten.

I do have to give you praise for realizing you and your hubby need to change the way you parent him. That takes a lot of guts to admit.

(((((HUGS))))) and best wishes!

I just typed a long response to this, but I think I'll post it in a new thread because I think a lot of people would be interested int this topic discussion, but they will miss it under the heading "Frustrating".

Hope you don't mind me hyjacking your thread Mariposa!

See "Parenting Skills" in the Support Section.

Hi Estela,

This topic hits home for me as well. I have a 10 year old and 3 1/2 year old. My ten year old exhibited aggressive behavior starting at age 3. Lots of hitting and slapping and temper tantrums.By age 6, he was expelled from school and put in alternative school in his school district for 5 days with teenagers and metal detectors. He actually liked alternative school cause he got lots of attention and the principal loved him. During the five days he was there, it was apparent that much of his behavior was due to boredom and immaturity. The kept bringing him work at first grade level. He finished this in half a day. They brought him 2nd grade work. He finished this day 2. The 3 and 4th grade work. He completed all of it. Clearly he was not being challenged in school and that was a huge problem. We brought him to a shrink and started with medication for ADHD and depression by the time he was 7 to try to keep him in public school. He was diagnosed with ADD and impulsivity, ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) and depression. THe drugs made him worse and in the end we pulled him out of public school since they were not able to meet his emotiional or scholastic needs. We took him off all medication and changed his environment by sending him to a school for high IQ kids with behavior issues.

Now the good news. My son is doing great. He outgrew most of the behaviors. He is now back in public school and doing very well. He has not been on medication in 2 and a half years. He is no longer aggressive and understand the consequences of his actions.

I personally dont believe in ADHD and ODD. ODD is just bad parenting and I do believe that some children are aggressive by nature because they had some trauma in their baby years. My son had terrible ear infections, problems with his throat, eyes and ears and had a horrible time his first two years of life. I do believe that sometimes ADHD meds help some folks, but most of the time they dont. I refuse to medicate my kid to mainstream him.

High IQ kids are wired differently and have a different perception of events. They are ornery, whiney, dont like tags on their clothes, dont like the way their shoes feel, take a long time in the morning to get ready, are forgetful, careless with their belongings and sometimes even appear lazy. They are ultra sensitive, cry a lot, get angry a lot faster and are usually very immature, thus lashing out at folks due to immaturity. The problem is that really smart kids have a chronological age which has not caught up with their scholastic age. Clearly your son is bored and admittedly some of your parenting skills are less than perfect, but whose is? I learned the hard way and I am still learning everyday.

My belief is if you change the environment, you change the kid. Slapping, hitting and kicking are not acceptable behaviors and require consequences. As Michelle said, its about a system of rewards and consequences. I dont call them punishments. Its about dealing with behaviors in a different way. Timeouts dont necesarily work for extremely aggressive kids. If they are oppositional, they wont listen and will not stay in a corner for long. And the really oppositional ones dont see this as a punishment anyway. Rewards and accepting consequences for less than ideal behavior seems to work very well for kids with this kind of wiring. Yeah, they cry and scream, make you feel guilty when you take away something they really like but in the end you will have a much happier child and certainly one that is easier to deal with. I wish you luck. You have a challenge ahead of you.

Babs in TX

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