DeLarla

I can't believe I missed this thread. Yeah, Jenna, like I'll stay away? Hey, I happen to know where you can get a new bullet! Plug plug plug. I once shoved a One Eyed Jack in my girl parts and saw God.

Most of you know my Mom was recently released from the Funny Farm, right? Well, I get these letters every couple months that are sad and depressing but often with a funny twist. I'll try finding the letter and posting her exact story, but if memory serves me well, it goes something like this: Dear Lisa (3 pages of government corruption, tax protesting, insulting every single family member for the pieces of doody they are, yada yada...) New paragraph: Last week I was awakened by a horrendous pain in my ear. It was freezing since I live in the basement (some millionaire, hey?) and Uncle Nootchie, who lives upstairs, intentionally floods his toilet into my room by eating too much junk food so his bowel movements can't flush. The pain was so severe that I began jumping up and down to alleviate it on the cold, wet, basement floor. Jumping up and down didn't help, so I rushed to the bathroom (where the flooding urine stained the wall) and poured warm Water into my ear while cocking my head sideways, but still no relief, so I began jumping up and down again while cupping the warm water in my ear. The pain became more excruciating and my ear began ringing so I poured Olive Oil in my ear (other oils will kill you, the government wants to kill us so they can get our money for their Devil satanic rituals.) The olive oil didn't help, so again I cocked my head, cupped my ear and jumped frantically up and down in my dungeon. Doctors are murderers but I went to the hospital anyway, where the doctor used long tweezers to pull out a Japanese Beatle. I laughed loud because I forgot I was working in the garden that day when the beetle probably needed a warm home. The pain went away so I asked for the beetle so I could leave, but the crook wouldn't allow me to keep MY J-BEATLE! I argued the doctor that it belongs to ME (even though it had died after going the wrong direction in my ear, he was probably trying to get warmer then got confused and couldn't find his way out.) The doctor insisted that J-Beatles are the property of the hospital, and since doctors are in conspiracy with the IRS, they wanted my J-Beatle AND all my property! So I pretended I was going to leave but the I GRABBED my J-Beatle and started running fast through the corridor but then the hospital security guard caught me. I wasn't leaving that place without my J-Beatle so I let him know that. I think they were scaring the other patients so the security guard finally told me to leave with my J-Beatle."

SMOKE IT! Okay, that was just some badly needed comic relief. When I found out my neighbor's kids are smoking dope, it simply broke my heart. Flush it down the toilet, then tell your kid you put it where it belongs!

I have no control over what I do, Paula. I figured you knew that by now? Meanwhile, I'm cracking up that 7 people voted that I shouldn't start a Vagina Thread. Hello? THIS IS A VAGINA THREAD! Ha Ha, joke's on you! Meanwhile - this one goes down in LBT's Funniest #$@& of the year! "I should call my husband's unit, Jimmy Hoffa. Been a while since I've seen him."

During his stand-up days (when he was just startin SNL) we lived in the same apartment. He begged me to come in to "show me something." I walked in telling him to show me how to clean up his pigpen (what's with guys and empty pizza boxes?) Instead he dropped trow. I left shaking my head, what a dork. My roommates laughed their asses off that I fell for it, so apparently that was his thing to do back then.

"I am waiting for BigPaul to "not" read this thread...." Thanks, HEATHER! Now I gotta start an "I wet my panties" thread.

I saw Adam Sandler's penis.

My husband said his penis reduction surgery wasn't too painful. FYI.

I AM NOT IN HERE! But I have a fachina.

And NOW I really am logging off before getting in big, big, HUGE trouble with the moderators! Whoop whoop, but didn't ya'll need a good laugh after all the tension 'round here this week? WHOOP, WHOOP!

Should I start a Vagina thread?

"When we are in the early stages of losing weight we are in this euphoric state where everything is beautiful." BLAH, I HATE this. And I hate that Donali is so honest. Blah blah blah! I'm sick of the truth. I want rainbows and puppy dogs. I've probably seen more mental heath professionals in my life than most people given my background (paranoid schizophrenic mother, for starters.) And one thing the head doctors have agreed with my 3 of my medical doctors is [see above quote and Donali's response.] During the "Honeymoon Period" we are elated, weight is coming off, and we can walk past goodies and have this thing tackled. But according to doctors and psychiatrists, the averages human mind isn't designed to withstand long-term willpower. Sure, some of us can fight the feelings longer, and a rare few might keep most of the weight off for life, but those numbers are small. Which is why we had WLS. Can I say the f word here?

Funny how Jersey girls think alike! OMG, I have another F-ing Erin story (many of you have known her for years through my F-ing Erin posts.) Last week we got an enormous tray of frosted Cookies for V-Day. Being a holiday, I allowed myself one heavenly delight. Before leaving work, I (as us eating monsters do) took a final count of what was left and then planned on having just one more with the next morning's coffee. Next morning I intentionally skipped Breakfast to walk in the office, coffee in hand and was shocked to see 3 lonely cookies as I passed the kitchen, but hey, I only needed one. So I set my purse and coffee on my desk (10 feet around the corner) and went back to find the dirty tray empty! Maybe 4 seconds had passed, so I went on a mad march around the office to find Erin in the copy room stuffing her face with one and the other 2 sitting next to her. Who the hell takes all three of the last cookies in one fell swoop when there are 8 other employees? Who? ERIN, THAT'S WHO! I was flaming mad to the point I ate 5 store-bought cookies the next day. Erin is the food devil. She's got weird powers.

I farted in the toaster oven. Shhhhh.

STEP THE F AWAY FROM THE BEADS AND RESTAURANTS! Tricia, don't let her near the bead show, and you two will be hitting the walking trails, malls and museums together, not the restaurants. Penni, don't make me pull your hair! But I'm glad Mommy is home

Pizza wins. I've sprayed my office, the halls, and the kitchen twice because F-ing ERIN is toasting her morning pizza in the toaster oven. I'm "this" close to opening the toaster oven and emptying my can of Lemon Citrus Room Freshener all over her pizza! Don't get me wrong, I love my Watkins, but pizza is sadly more powerful. Not even air freshener makes the smell go away. And instead of working, I'm back at LBT bitching venting because I'm having a rough time with food this week. (%&*%^)_+%&*%^@%&&^@#$%#$@#$@%^&^@*()))*%&

Those of you who say you'll never gain weight back might be willfully stronger than me, but I'll still be able to sit on you so watch out!

I never admitted this before because I promised one Mexican surgeon that I wouldn't say a word about my freebie (otherwise everyone would want one.) But since he broke his promises to me, all deals are off. I did not pay ANYTHING for one of my port removal surgeries other than my travel. The doctor covered his fees, the anesthesiologist, labs and hospital. I didn't pay a nickel. So how come I got a special freebie? Let me repeat what's already been said: THE SQEAKY WHEEL GETS THE OIL, and I'm one squeaky bitch.

Never say never. That's true to more than keeping weight off. I said I'd never binge again, yet I'm up 10 pounds in 2 weeks. I said I'd never drink again after my last hangover. I said I'd never gamble again after I lost a ridiculous amount of money. I said I'd never come to LBT again on work hours. I said I'd never... Never say never.

Hey buddy, how do I say this without sounding selfish? I'm not glad you're losing your band, but I am glad somebody understands where I'm coming from when I say I won't be re-banded. I crapped out, too. The band isn't for all of us. Poop. xo

Josygirl, will you move to Las Vegas and be my new best diet buddy? I've seen the same statement over and over from people saying they'll never gain weight again. Even some screen names make that statement. I think it's great that people believe in positive thinking, but there's also "REALITY." The band can only take us so far, and each of us our different. Some grasp their new eating habits and hang on forever while others (damnit, like me) continue to struggle and gain even before my band was removed.

The interview I read didn't say "medical intervention" per se, but it did say she consulted with docs. I just want that white two-piece bathing suit in that photo up there! When I was a teenager lumberjack, my mom saw an article in a rag-mag about a doctor who invented an injection to stop growing (longer story than that but you get the picture.) My mom wasn't able to find this elusive doc so she took me to UCLA for his famous treatment. How embarrassing - they couldn't believe anyone would rely on something from a rag-mag considering the procedure was never invented, let alone the article said the doctor used his own daughter in clinical trials, which would have been illegal. Just like Playboy and Hustler, I LQQK at the pictures but I rarely read the articles! Maybe I should read more though since I thought a Talking Head was a musician.

SSHHH, no she's not!

"Star is an icon for a lot of people, and a lot of obese people. If she would just admit what she had done, I think she would inspire many of her fans to follow suit to a healthier lifestyle, and she would help to remove some of the stigma of WLS because of her celebrity. What she is doing now is just being evasive and deceitful." I read her interview, and she openly admits her reasons for not sharing her secret. She just doesn't want anyone else doing something just because she did. I posted this somewhere else, but could you imagine if people started asking for the "Star Jones Band?" That could be disastrous for her. If one single person had a bypass based on what Star Jones did and then had complications, the media and world would eat Star Jones AND her surgeons alive for advertising WLS. Even if she didn't advertise it, she's so well-known that anyone with sufficient resources would run out and have a bypass/band. Think about it, the world is a funny place. So that's why she's being evasive... can ya blame her? I'm not defending her because I don't know who she is, I'm just conveying what I read. As far as her talking about smaller portions and healthier eating, it's not really a lie since that's what WLS forces you to do. Do I feel sorry for her? Heck no! Money can't buy you love, but it can take you anywhere ya wanna go shopping!!!

*** uses hand signals (the finger, pointed horizontally toward the door) to get Paul outta the girly thread***