4ALongerLife

Well.......... let's see ...... not sure where I've left off in my story of gastric sleeve. Yet I've had more update as of 11/14, I had a CAT scan as per my bariatric dr's orders to see what was going on.
 
I was complaining of not being able to sleep lying flat, feeling like I was drowning, choking up my lungs each time I tried to lie down. So I resorted to sleeping in a chair or sitting at a 90 degree angle in bed. Not comfortable. Not to mention that I would cough and almost choke myself in the midst of the night, so sleeping was sporadic. Was doing Vicks vapor rub to breathe better and Robitussin but nothing was working. Dr. said let's do a CAT scan, which I did on the 11/14 date - at 1 pm. My dr. called me at 3:45 pm (um hello? that's a bit quick, so uh oh)... he says you have to go to the hospital Stephanie, something's wrong. It appears that I had another staple open up and leak more out into my cavity, which has penetrated my lungs and diaphragm, where I have a slight hole in my diaphragm. I also have a gastric fistula that connects my tummy to my lung and to my diaphragm. My left lower lobe is collapsed on my lung so it's harder to breathe than it should be.
 
So I went and got admitted on 11/14. I went at 8 pm as per the dr.'s request, after the 7 pm nurse shift change. My son and my hubs went with me to the ER and waited with me, thinking we wouldn't be too long in the ER and would get to a room relatively quickly. Um, no. It was 1 am before we got to a room. My poor child was sleeping in a chair in the ER. Let me tell you too, IDK what the heck anyone that works in the ER thinks they know. This last visit to Baylor Carrollton worries me about ever going to the ER. The "dr." (Muniz I think was his name) was such a moron that he thought my dr. was a podiatrist. I personally think that mr. great looking dr. was too busy checking out my very attractive but yet super biatchy nurse. Whatever. I have had my moments in the ER on several occassions and let me tell you, if something goes wrong, you're better off trying to wait to go to your dr. rather than the ER in the midst of the night. At least so has been my experience.
 
Anyways, got admitted and eventually had a chest tube placed. It was placed in my back, in an attempt to drain my lungs out. I also had revision surgery to my sleeve, again, on 11/20. My dr. stapled it again, sewed it and glued it. And attempted to clean out what he could of the fistula. The cardiac thoracic surgeon that was consulted was called away to an extreme medical emergency so he couldn't complete the bronchoscopy that he had planned. He originally thought that it might need to be an open surgery, which thankfully the chest tube extracted more than they hoped, so the CT surgeon thought only a bronchoscopy was neeed. He was called away, so they believe that high doses of IV antibiotics will help address any residual crap that remains in my lungs.
 
So I'm home now, the day after thanksgiving I got released. Can I tell you how bad it sucked to have yet give ANOTHER holiday to this mess of my gastric sleeve experience? I am so sick and tired of complications taking my holidays and my time with my family. Not to mention, yet again, I am on a liquid diet but limited to 4 oz at a time. Except now.... I drink something and choke it up through my lungs somehow I think. IDK what's going on, I just know a sip of something and it goes down and I begin coughing. IDK if it's the fistula still there but I am going to call my dr. tomorrow morning to see if we can plan a CAT scan, chest xray, another leak test before the end of the year (since my deductible is met) to see where we are and what steps are next. I don't believe all of my issues are done yet and I want to know what my options are going forward to get this all addressed.
 
The only problem now is ... my husband got laid off on friday. He had been at his job 10.5 years and they call it a RIF or reduction in force. It's when they decide they don't need as many workers as they needed before. Except I am freaking out now, or did. It's just one more stressor that I don't need. I'm trying to deal with it, but it's scary. I've worked out the numbers to know that I can almost make everything on my salary (thank God) but he's luckily got 1 week of severance with every year of service. So that will get us a bit more than 2 months of pay, yay (thank you God). Let's just hope that he can find another tester position in IT soon.
 
So anyone that might read my blog, that's where I'm at.
 
EVERYONE always says how positive I am, what an inspiration I am.... and I hate to tell you, but my light is lost right now. I feel like God has forsaken me or is angry with me for having done this surgery in the first place. And that has to be why I've had so many issues.
 
I made a list today of all of the things that I miss......... and just eating with my family is the hardest one. I did this to live longer for my son and now I can't have much quality with him. I've lost so much weight that I now fit into a size 4, but it's not a celebratory experience. I am too skinny now. At 5'7", I don't need to be 132.5 lbs. I need to be at the smallest, 135. I know it's not much, but do you realize how hard it is to get quality calories in to keep weight on? So I've said "screw it" and I'm doing chocolate bars, baskin robbins milk shakes, whatever I can think of to up up up my daily caloric intake. I don't feel like eating nor drinking, especially once I do I choke myself to almost the point of vomiting on myself. It sucks, totally. And I am sagging in places I don't wish to sag and it worries me. If my body's reacted this poorly to gastric sleeve, how could I ever consider another surgery? (and the boobs ... well let's just say that's always been a dream but ESPECIALLY now, and with what i just mentioned, guess that dream's gone)
 
The weird thing is my hubs still says he loves me. He loves everything about me, he supports me, he reminds me that I did the best thing that I thought at the time and he reminds me you can't go back in time. God I love that man. Sometimes I forget that, I hate to admit that, but after 23 years together, it happens unfortunately.
 
The best thing was that at least we could fly his mom over to help whenever I was in the hospital. We left his car for her and I wrote out directions to my son's school and the hospital. And kudos to her, she actually drove here to those places. Driving here in any capacity scares the heebie jeebies out of her. The smaller town that we are from is much slower than here so I can understand. God bless her, she was a huge help (although everyone does laundry different, thankfully at least she helped keep up the house in any way possible and spent quality time with my son).
 
So where should I leave off? As I cough more crap up out of my lungs and it tastes like the protein shake that I drank two and a half hours ago, IDK. I am scared. I don't want to have issues from this surgery for years of my life moving forward. We went to the Grapevine Mills mall today and I barely made it, but I did make a lap at the mall. Granted I stopped about 4-6 times to sit for at least 5 mins a time, but I made it. I am wiped out and tired, but I made it.
 
I pray that I stop coughing every time that it seems like I drink. I pray that my PICC line doesn't get infected (it started bleeding last night as I think the shirt I had on yesterday pulled on it). I pray that my left shoulder pain doesn't come back (as it felt like it came back tonight). I pray that the pus pocket that is in my back, that was attempting to poke out of my body (no lie, they said that's why I had that egg of pus on my back), that it goes away. I pray that these home i.v. antibiotics get me to 100% capacity. And I pray that my dr.'s have the knowledge to address any residual effects and that I get to the right one to do so.
 
And I pray for a longer life for my son. I pray that I can be "normal" again and accept lunch dates w/o restrictions on my diet or special considerations. I pray to be able to schedule a vacation and not worry about when and where based on my health status. I pray more than anything that I get my positive back and that I feel the hand of God in my life, guiding me because I think I've lost that right now in all of my fears and I miss His presence with me whenever no one else is around (as I cough up my guts at 3, 5 and 6 am, praying for relief). God forgive me for my weakness, but it is what it is.
 
More than anything, I wish I had had an "easy" gastric sleeve surgery and I wonder why my experience has been the one that I've had.
 
I've got to go do another round of I.V. antibiotics and so that I can get to bed... hope if anyone reads this, that it might help you and that you are doing well. xx

I can't get this silly song out of my head... You made me love youuuuu, I didn't want to do it, I didn't want to do it. It's now 10:35 and I've promised myself bed at 1030... so why posting? IDK. Today was a good day. I haven't had many of them and I've been in so much pain lately that I wouldn't recognize it if I saw it, or so's I thought. But IDK, today I just have been telling myself I know God is healing me. I sound corny or crazy, not sure to which is more apt to describe me; however, I feel like it's right. I am not the most church going person (long list of reasons why, but mostly summed up in as: experience with major hypocrisy, i don't have time to spell check that so forgive me, dang microsoft/now i'm dependent on freak'n spell check).... anywho, the pain was tolerable today (thank God) and I had planned out everything. Limited schedule of time and running, busy today. I like those days. Like I "have a life"... which I say I don't. Living in this large area, there are many times I find myself lonely. Everyone is so spread out, then you add in kids and extracurricular activities and limited time from work to do everything so it's crammed in on the weekends, well... to me, it gets lonely sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I personally have no qualms about "me" time or being alone, that's why I am a gym addict. Once I got over that thing that most of us women suffer from (you know, the 'I have to have a buddy or I feel self conscious'), I was all good and set to fly. Most of my life seems to operate that way and most of the time, it's copasethic. But sometimes, my most social side says "hey over here!" C'est la vie....
 
Anywho, I am rambling again. It's late and I'm honestly tired, but my 3rd wind wants to kick in. I'm about to brush my teefies and get into the most comfy tempurpedic mattress (worth every single stinking penny, twice over) with loads of pillows so I can go to the gym in the morning. Even if it's only for 30 mins (dammit, I want 60) but I just wanted to say, it's been a good day today. I seem to only post whenever there are issues and I'm at my breaking point. Today I feel the light of God surrounding me and I hope His light shines through me to others. Oh pitash if you don't believe in all of that ....... you should be around me, then you'd see it. I hope that I emulate what I feel from Him, to show my faith. Don't get me wrong, I am not perfect (for certainnnn) .... and I still pray 15 gizillion times a day for Him to heal this leak, that I continue to hear gurgling, but in time I know He will. I am trying to think instead of this issue as an opportunity.... maybe this is happening to me so I can truly understand "mindful eating" and that is one major obstacle for me, that could be my undoing. I am a food addict, to the core.... ashamedly I admit, but I never am one to sugar coat (except with hershey's, hehe i wish, dang still on a liquid diet... digressing...). IDK, but I'm trying to view the lesson in this experience (whatever that is) and learn from it, instead of concentrating on something pathetic like poor me, why's this gotta happen (which I'd love to say, but pitash... pffff... s*it happens and it ain't gonna undo what's done or fix it). In every experience I have learned one thing.... there are reasons for these things to occur, which is revealed eventually. So today, thank you God for a good day (but pls pls pls heal this leak inside of me... I did my part, 132 g of protein, that was work too!). Please give me the strength to not be pathetic (as I would like to crumble into the fetal position and cry on occassion), give me the courage to identify my irrational behaviors and the wisdom to learn from my mistakes and move on, being the best me that I can be. Yeah so I ripped off the serenity prayer, but I'm an addict, unfortunately. My drug of choice? Food. And I cannot escape it. So give me strength, courage and wisdom to learn successfully how to deal with it and any of these issues that cross my path. Amen.
 
Ok this was another rambling post, but it is what it is... oh and make sure you go to bed singing "you made me loveeeee youuuuuu, I didn't wannaaaa do it..." *smiles* hugs... xxx Stephanie

IDK if it's fear or what, but my 'tude isn't where I'd like it to be right now.
 
Part of it is this freak'n leak that I am dealing with. Then to come here and read someone's post that hasn't even had surgery yet that says most ppl with leaks/complications have either caused them themselves or their dr's have or a botched surgery, I'm sorry, but it really pisses me off.
 
And why? IDK this person. And I don't care to. Doesn't matter a hill of beans what she thinks nor says. So why's it incite something inside of me?
 
Because I am scared. To the point I find myself crying the last few days on occassion. I rarely cry anymore. Well unless I talk of my family, then that's a whole other ball game (you'd have to know the players to understand the game! so's to speak... anywho, I digress, shocking huh?).
 
I AM scared. What if I never heal? What if I have to have surgery AGAIN? What if this new job that I just got fires me for something minor/contrived if I take off time to deal with all of this? What if I did something wrong to have caused this? What if I put it off the fix for months, will I continue to be in pain so much that I could slap someone? (as was the case today, which worries me since I have a high pain tolerance according to my last two hospitalizations) What if what if what if.... AHHHH just hush. I need to center and just quiet it all.
 
Sometimes, as hard as it is to "believe"..... **** JUST happens. It just DOES. In this highly litigous society, where everyone is a "celebrity" and "entitled" to voicing their opinion via statuses on fb/twitter/etc, I just get tired of the lack of common courtesy in the things ppl say or do, as well as the judgements that goes along with it. No one wishes to have that treatment, so why is it so quick to be dished out?
 
Sometimes things JUST GO WRONG. Etiology undetermined, aka no identifiable root cause. I have spoken to enough dr's and other professionals regarding my health status to know this statement to be fact as it pertains to me. But I get tired of a large percentage of the world that speaks of what they don't know or ask questions that are rather crass in the manner in which they are worded (omg what did you do to cause this?) ......... really, I am struggling enough here.
 
Perhaps MIA for a while is best. I hate that I'm being quite this emotional and even moreso admitting to it, but hell, I am a realist. So MIA? IDK if that's best for me. Hiding under a rock with all of this crappus floating around in my head... IDK. So ending point is.... if you read this, and if you care, please say some prayers for me. I hope God isn't disappointed in what I feel in my heart. I am honestly struggling right now. I've been fighting so much for so long, I'm just tired and... I am scared, I am frustrated, I am tired. It's a foolish waste of energy, but it is what it is.
 
Rambling rita out.... xxx

Last month, I went to a professional conference in Dallas and met a lot of the same colleagues I meet every year. Many of them could not believe my dramatic weight loss. People kept telling me how good I looked. In fact, they were overflowing with comments over how good I looked. Over the last two weeks, I went out to lunch with two different friends of mine; people who I’ve known through work that have not seen me in a while. They were also gushing over how good I looked and how much weight I had lost. The bottom line that I took away from all of these comments was that I’ve lost a lot of weight.
 
The reaction of all of these people scares me. The thing that it leaves me wondering is, “My God, how fat must I have been for these people to have such a reaction to my weight loss?” I never really thought that I was that fat. In fact, I know the numbers say differently, but I feel about as fat as I did when I had an extra eighty pounds on me. In fact, I even feel like I look as if I have another eighty pounds on me. So really, how fat was I?
 
This is partly a very embarrassing question because I really must have let myself go. All of these comments from other people make me quite nervous. While I appreciate it, they feed into my insecurities. On some level, my weight loss is a private matter, and I would like to keep it as such. However, that’s not possible when everybody around you can physically see the changes in your body. People are bound to comment.
 
I asked one friend with whom I can speak frankly with, “Everybody has told me how wonderful I look and how much weight I’ve lost. Everyone has been gushing over me, which leads me to wonder exactly how fat I was.”
 
He just looked at me and said, “Jack, you were really fat. You were so fat that I was really worried about you. When I stood next to you, I could hear you having trouble breathing and I was scared for you. You’ve had trouble walking and getting around. You look a lot better and a lot healthier now.”
 
I was partly in shock. I did not realize that was the image I had been portraying for so long. Now, I am just embarrassed about my weight. I’m embarrassed that I let myself go to such a level. I’m embarrassed to even discuss it. It’s almost as if I feel like I owe the world an apology for being so fat. I feel like saying to everyone, I’m sorry that I let myself go and became as fat as I did. Please forgive me. Please, for God’s sakes, love me now for the new me.
 
Did I feel loved when I weighed 325 pounds? I knew that there were people out there who loved me, but no, I didn’t feel loved. Do I feel loved now? No, I don’t, but I do feel that I am capable of being loved, whereas I didn’t before. I think partly it was because I didn’t love myself, and now, very slowly, I am learning to love myself.

Working out isn't easy when you have back issues. However, being in the water is a great way to get pain relief and to get some exercise in with out hurting myself even more. I live in a condo so the pool is shared by everyone in the neighborhood. Usually there aren't many people there which is great for me and my work outs but I still get some strange looks from the people who are there (including my husband).
 
Now, I can't just dive on in and swim. I mean I can, but I will pay for it the next day. I also can't do a lot of bending and flipping or a lot of ab work. So, what I do is walk. I walk back and forth in the shallow part of the pool. Now, this can get very boring. Also, there is only so much people watching someone can do. It get's a little strange when you are caught looking at the same person for the fifth time because you can't believe she's wearing THAT, or looking at someone's boyfriend for the sixth time becasue you are really looking at the clock over his head but she can't figure that out. Trust me honey, no one wants your man....he's not even half as attractive as you seem to think he is and by judging by what I see in his shorts, he's not that great in bed either.
 
Anyway.....maybe that was a little much....but I'm just telling it like it is. So, in order to keep my boredom down and to make sure I don't get myself in any trouble with the girl who shouldn't be wearing that bikini or have the guy's girlfriend jump in and drown me, I've begun walking back and forth while reading my book. Not only does it help me not look at the people around me, it allows me to walk back and forth and lose track of time. Yesterday I walked for an hour. AN HOUR of walking in the water!!! I was shocked. I didn't even notice I was getting my workout....and isn't that how it should be? Why can't every workout be this easy? I could have waked for another hour except I knew I would hate myself the next day. So, from now on, I plan to get my walk done in the pool, with my head down and my nose in a book. That way, I can still be alive after the workout and not have my neighbors hate me. I think it's a win win for everyone.

I was in the process of writing this very depressing blog about my chronic back pain when I had to use the bathroom. I decided when I was done that I should weigh myself as I haven't done that in awhile. Now before I go on, you have to understand that the past month has been nothing but pain filled. My meds have not helped me and I have not been able to go for normal walks...who am I kidding, i haven't really walked at all. Walking from the bedroom to the living room can almost bring me to tears (and I don't cry from pain). Dealing with this pain can bring even the strongest person down. I know, I've been dealing with it for almost 18 years. Now, I don't tell you that to get your sympathy. I tell you to get you to understand that getting on the scale was the best thing I could have done for my emotional well being today.
 
Today, the scale said 240.2. That is fifty nine pounds down in nine weeks. I had to take a second look. I remember getting on the scale nine months ago and seeing it up to 330 (my heaviest). Seeing that scale today, and the amount I have lost, is exactly what I needed to make me feel a little better. I am not saying that the numbers took away my pain. Trust me, it did not. But it did help with my mood. I walked out of the bathroom, sat back down at the computer with the heating pad on full blast for my back and erased my depression felt blog post about my pain and not being able to work out. I have since written this. A much more up beat blog post about losing the weight I have struggled with for years and years. It's funny how seeing a few pounds leave can be so inspirational.
 
Now, I have no funny things to add. No real words of inspiration. To be honest, the pain is still making it difficult to sit here and type. What I will say is this. I am pretty sure my day will be much better now that I decided to get on the scale today (first time in over a week). I have no idea when I could have ever said those words and truly meant them. For years, the scale is what caused my days to be worse. Not anymore. Getting sleeved is the best decision I've ever made!

Now, for the record, I am not by any means thin...YET. However, I have to admit that today at the pool, I felt really good about myself. From my highest weight, I have lost close to eighty five pounds. Since my surgery, seven weeks ago, I have lost a total of fifty five pounds. It amazes me how losing that weight has affected me.
 
Last year I would go to the pool and try to get a chair as far away from people as possible. I would also make sure the chair was in close proximity to the steps of the pool so that I could just dart in without having too many people see me. I know people don't like to look at overweight people so I didn't want to cause their eyes to have to hurt any more than they would have to. I figured that the faster I got in, the faster I could "hide" in the water. I would have never EVER thought about sitting on the edge of the pool and chatting with a friend or walking to the far steps to get in becasue someone was hanging out at the ones near my chair. I would have waited until the people moved and then darted in to the pool. I broke all my rules today.
 
First, I proudly strutted my stuff down the length of the pool to go in the steps that were not being occupied. Then, I sat on the edge of the pool, legs in, and didn't once think about how fat I looked and how I shouldn't be sitting there. I also didn't dart in, and attempt to hide in the water. I took my time getting in the chilly water and enjoyed myself. When I was done, I again proudly strutted my stuff back to my chair, laid down and soaked up the sun. At one point I even looked at my ever shrinking legs and thought, "Damn girl, looking good!"
 
I have to admit, I like this new feeling. I can't remember ever feeling this good about myself. Even when I was a size 10 I was self conscience. I am sure the more I lose, the more my body image will change for the better. and I can't wait for that to happen, but for now, I am going to enjoy my time this summer at the pool or beach and continue to strut my stuff every chance I get and I hope you all do the same. Strut that stuff and be proud...sleeve or no sleeve, we are all beautiful!!!

Post coming soon....sorry for the tease.....but lets be honest, it's always better with some build up. I just need to read it when I am not half asleep. I want you all to get a good laugh. So until tomorrow.....

I never thought I was an emotional eater. Most times when I am really upset about something, I am not hungry at all. I remember one time when my now husband and I broke up. We were engaged at the time and I refuses to give him my ring when I walked out the door. I ended up going to the beach. It's the one place I can always feel better and make sense of what I am feeling. Those three days, I think i ate 1/2 of a turkey club sandwich. Nothing else. No chips, no sweets, nothing. I lost 15lbs in 4 days. The good thing was that if we stayed broken up, I would have slimmed down A LOT and maybe found a new man pretty quickly. (my husband isn't very happy that I wrote that last part). LOL
 
I tell you all this to explain today. Today I received some bad news. Nothing major. No one died or anything. It was news that I knew caused my mother to be very upset and though it upset me, I was more upset that my mother cried. No one likes to see their mother cry. So, with it being lunch time, I looked around for what I was going to have for lunch. Nothing looked good to me. The thought of eating made my stomach turn....until I thought of carrot cake. If you have been reading my blog, you know my love (almost obsession) with carrot cake. I thought, "YUMMM carrot cake sure sounds good. I bet I could eat a whole slice." WHAT? Where did that thought come from? I haven't really wanted anything sweet since surgery so why was carrot cake on my mind now? I sat for a moment thinking about this and then had my "light bulb" moment. Sugar makes everything better.
 
If I look back at my childhood, sugar played a huge part of making me feel better or was given as a reward. If I had a sore throat, after the doctor's visit, my mother would take me to McDonald's for an ice cream or milk shake. If I ate everything on my plate, I got desert. If I finished my chores, I got a cookie with chocolate milk. Now, I don't think my mother was trying to get me to associate food with good feelings. I think she just thought she was being nice. It wasn't always bad things. There were times I got an apple, an orange, or some grapes. But to me, the best memories were from the special sugary treats.
 
So, as I sat there coming to the realization that food was a reward to me most of the time, I decided that food will no longer play that roll. Food is something to give me energy. It helps my body do what it needs to. It can taste good and be enjoyable but it is not something I get to feel better or to reward myself with. I am thinking clothes would be a good thing to replace food...but that could be VERY expensive. Let's be honest, a milky way is much cheaper than a pair of shorts or a shirt. So, for now my reward is the scale going down. Knowing if I eat to make myself feel better or to reward myself will be sabotage and I refuse to have gone through all this for nothing. So, the candy bars, ice cream, and all the sugary things can remain on the store shelf. How did I deal with it today? I had a Lean Shake. 25 grams of protein, and I'm full. Not as tasty, but much better for me.

Thanks to those of you that did read my last whiney arsed post. I am still worried about the hospital bill, but you know I've been reading some bible entries (no I'm not the most biblical nor the most church going person; however, I'm in a women's study group of "seeing yourself through god's eyes" and it has helped me a bit). I sometimes forget that with my faith, everything will work out in the end.
 
We never have ppl over, it's a rarity. IDK why, we are hermits I guess. But one of the parents that helped us tremendously whenever I was in the hospital for the month of March, we had them over for dinner last night. I didn't know the dad was an atheist. He's been through a lot of physical abuse from his dad in his life and he said that's why he doesn't believe in God. He doesn't understand how a God can let bad things happen to people. Well, you know, I don't either but I told him it made me sad. Maybe I sound naive, but through all of my trials and tribulations, I have been angry at God and pissed at the world before - and God still is there - and He's still blessed me through my worst and loved me through it all. I've seen His blessings in my life. I don't know why bad things happen to good people.
 
One of the passages in the study that I am doing talked of God teaching us all lessons. Perhaps this parent that came over, his was where his lessons crossed and where his dad's lessons crossed as well. A few days ago Passion of the Christ was on PBS. I've never seen it and it was more than 1/2 over whenever I caught it on t.v. It shocked me how terribly they beat Jesus. Ok so I do sound naive, but I remember going to Catholic school for 8 years (as a non-Catholic, yes I was baptist going to private catholic school. Why? I think my parents wanted to keep me segregated. Written with total sarcasm: They loved that I married a black man........ but that's another therapy session/entry at another time...). I never understood the full extent of how they beat Jesus until I saw that scene - I really thought of it as an adult. Why did God allow all of that pain to be inflicted on His son? There was a point at the end - and in a long winded fashion, that's what trials and tribulations are for all of us. Lessons to be learned. Character that is grown through trials and tribulations.
 
Most of us are experiencing a trial in something that we share and that's weight loss (or grrr for the plateau patty's out there like me, the non weight loss at times, double grrr). I just hope most of us have the faith to know that God is there through whatever trial or tribulation. He has blessings in store for us, if we remain faithful. I'm having my moments on hospital bills and life and weight loss. But I will be ok. I know God's got my back, in the end. Doesn't mean the road won't be hard and that I won't cry or whine (y'all forgive me pls for that); however, thank you to those that help pick me up whenever I feel like I can't or that I feel like I am not worth it. We all have our moments..... thank you for picking me up whenever I have mine.
 
OH and btw, I DID get on the scale this morning. I'm down another .5 lb. Dang it, I'm counting it! lol... 59.5 total I think. I went today and tried on clothes at Ross (I am a cheapskate, I LOVE LOVE LOVE Ross) - and they all fit, some even being too big. So again to those that have said whenever I have a stall "have you measured yourself?" Well no, I don't measure.. but trying on clothes today SHOWED me keep on going. Remain in faith - you'll be surprised how God blesses you (and that I KNOW for sure).
 
So I hope someone that is in doubt, or may be struggling and may not speak up about it reads this, because I sincerely know how you feel. Remember pls you aren't alone.
 
And thank you to those that lift me up ... thank you much. Ok rambling rita signing off, lol... I wish you all blessings! xoxo
 
PS - OH and I leave you with one of my favorite quotes, I think it's from eggface.... I've been trying to remember this lately:
Weight loss is a journey, not a destination.

PSS - The other quote I love (and was in my studies, I saw it this morning): This too shall pass.
 
PSSS - And from my yoga class this morning (omg I thought I was gonna die, I wanted to quit at one point, it was hard but I stuck it out, just like life), the teacher was talking about yoga and comparing the stances to trials in life. He had a point. If you aren't happy or satisfied or whatever, stop and focus... not on others, not on what they have or have done, but on you and your blessings essentially... so remember :
What is your focus?

I have no idea why I think I can keep doing this to my body. Three weeks ago I had most of my stomach taken out and then today I had two teeth pulled (one on the left and one on the right). To be honest, I think the teeth pulling was worse than the sleeve. At least I got good drugs with the sleeve surgery. Also, I had better doctors who were nice and caring. This doctor was fast and rough and I only like that every once in a while (wink) but not in a doctor's office with a man I don't know. I figure if you voluntarily go into a place where people actually hold you down while another person does soemthing to you, you probably aren't going to enjoy it very much and if you do enjoy it, it's probably not something we should be talking about on here. Needless to say, my mouth hurts and both sides are swollen. The cold liquids feel good but the idea of trying to eat any type of pureed food right now isn't sounding to good. So, because I am not feeling very comical today I wanted to take this time to thank you all for reading my blog.
 
When I started this, I figured no one would really read it but it would give me an out to vent and talk about going through this in a funny way. It was therapy in a way. We all know that if our family members haven't been through it, they really don't understand what we're going through. That's not to say they don't try, but unless you go through it all, you can't understand the ups and downs of our emotions and our scales. That is if you even have a scale. I'm still a little ticked my husband hid mine from me. LOL
 
So, thank you. Thank you all for taking the time and reading my crazy rants. You have no idea how much I appreciate it. Thank you to all the people who leave me comments. I really look forward to reading what you have to say and I love knowing that I can make your day a little better with my words. As long as I can make someone laugh, then I've done my job. So, I will keep writing if you keep reading. Let me know if there is anything that bothers you while going through this and maybe I can write about going through the same thing.
 
Now with all that mushy stuff out of the way, I am going to go ice my face and hope that my body doesn't start turning against me. I have promised it that I won't take anything else out of it (that I know of). Hopefully that promise will keep it working for a little bit longer. But for now, I need to give it what it wants...REST!!! Tomorrow I promise to write something a little more comical and sleeve based....if my body lets me, who knows, my fingers may go on strike because of the teeth. I'll have to wait and see.

So I'm feeling overwhelmed. And I feel like my last two blogs this week have a whiney tone to them, my apologies. Considering I spoke with the dr's wife who does the nutritionist counseling for him and explained to her that my tummy contorts whenever I eat anything pureed at first and if I drink 1/4 of an oz of liquid, it helps... she told me I might have a stricture. You know just whenever pneumonia and a leak and abscess weren't enough ... now I worry I have a stricture. Let's hope that's not the case because if it is, IDK how I'm going to ever regain my confidence back. Oh lawd, here's that baby again.
 
Ok big girl panties, I wanted to post something more solid, more positive. So I have a book that I'm going to post something from. The book is called "Small Bites: Daily Inspirations for WLS Patients" and it's by Katie Jay and Julia Persing. I borrowed it from the bariatric nurse edjucator from the hospital.
 
Set your angel free
 
When you decided to have WLS, were you longing to set free something inside you? Obesity had hidden your true self from view. You longed to reveal the inner you. So, each day WLS has chipped away at your exterior.
 
Michaelangelo said "I saw the angel in the stone and carved until I set him free." Yet at the end of his first day, the rock still looked like...... a rock. Only slowly did it become the beautiful creation that was locked within. As you lose weight, you will change many times, you will wake up mornings and not recognize the thinner face that has replaced the rounded one. In time, with consistency, effort, and a firm vision, you will release your angel within.
 
Set aside a few quiet moments and visualize the inner you - your inner angel. In your mind, embrace that vision, talk to it, and plan together how your inner angel can help you remain steadfast.

So I'm feeling overwhelmed. And I feel like my last two blogs this week have a whiney tone to them, my apologies. Considering I spoke with the dr's wife who does the nutritionist counseling for him and explained to her that my tummy contorts whenever I eat anything pureed at first and if I drink 1/4 of an oz of liquid, it helps... she told me I might have a stricture. You know just whenever pneumonia and a leak and abscess weren't enough ... now I worry I have a stricture. Let's hope that's not the case because if it is, IDK how I'm going to ever regain my confidence back. Oh lawd, here's that baby again.
 
Ok big girl panties, I wanted to post something more solid, more positive. So I have a book that I'm going to post something from. The book is called "Small Bites: Daily Inspirations for WLS Patients" and it's by Katie Jay and Julia Persing. I borrowed it from the bariatric nurse edjucator from the hospital.
 
Set your angel free
 
When you decided to have WLS, were you longing to set free something inside you? Obesity had hidden your true self from view. You longed to reveal the inner you. So, each day WLS has chipped away at your exterior.
 
Michaelangelo said "I saw the angel in the stone and carved until I set him free." Yet at the end of his first day, the rock still looked like...... a rock. Only slowly did it become the beautiful creation that was locked within. As you lose weight, you will change many times, you will wake up mornings and not recognize the thinner face that has replaced the rounded one. In time, with consistency, effort, and a firm vision, you will release your angel within.
 
Set aside a few quiet moments and visualize the inner you - your inner angel. In your mind, embrace that vision, talk to it, and plan together how your inner angel can help you remain steadfast.

So I'm feeling overwhelmed. And I feel like my last two blogs this week have a whiney tone to them, my apologies. Considering I spoke with the dr's wife who does the nutritionist counseling for him and explained to her that my tummy contorts whenever I eat anything pureed at first and if I drink 1/4 of an oz of liquid, it helps... she told me I might have a stricture. You know just whenever pneumonia and a leak and abscess weren't enough ... now I worry I have a stricture. Let's hope that's not the case because if it is, IDK how I'm going to ever regain my confidence back. Oh lawd, here's that baby again.
 
Ok big girl panties, I wanted to post something more solid, more positive. So I have a book that I'm going to post something from. The book is called "Small Bites: Daily Inspirations for WLS Patients" and it's by Katie Jay and Julia Persing. I borrowed it from the bariatric nurse edjucator from the hospital.
 
Set your angel free
 
When you decided to have WLS, were you longing to set free something inside you? Obesity had hidden your true self from view. You longed to reveal the inner you. So, each day WLS has chipped away at your exterior.
 
Michaelangelo said "I saw the angel in the stone and carved until I set him free." Yet at the end of his first day, the rock still looked like...... a rock. Only slowly did it become the beautiful creation that was locked within. As you lose weight, you will change many times, you will wake up mornings and not recognize the thinner face that has replaced the rounded one. In time, with consistency, effort, and a firm vision, you will release your angel within.
 
Set aside a few quiet moments and visualize the inner you - your inner angel. In your mind, embrace that vision, talk to it, and plan together how your inner angel can help you remain steadfast.

Ok today I feel a bit like crying. I am trying, really trying at this journey to be successful, but why do I just feel like I'm flubbing up? And yes, I don't mean flubbing, but I'm trying to keep this PG or at least PG13, ok?
 
I finally downloaded myfitnesspal.com, where before I was writing everything as I took it in my mouth (the old Weight Watcher's lingo of "write it if you bite it" comes to mind); however, everyone says use fitness pal, so I'm trying that. Omg I'm not eating enough. How in hades DO I EAT MORE? Yeah, I know ... all the newbies that possibly read this are now thinking "WHAT?" but I cannot eat enough to half of the calories this thing says for me to do. And I went to the gym. Mind you I only did 2 miles, I feel like I was lazy but it was a rushed amount of time and this thing says I burned 384 cals. So I'm now about to where I started after breakfast. What? Oh wait I forgot I "ate" the rest of my breakfast shake later. Well whoopee, only 1174 more calories to consume. It's 7 pm. Place your bets if you think I'm gonna get that in. No wonder I'm ravenous late at night. HOW DO I DO THIS? grrrr
 
And is it ok to count Cytomax pure protein tangerine or tropical drinks as my water for the day? Per my dr., I thought so... per myfitnesspal, no... that has it's own category.
 
 
Am I going to fail at this? Seems like the story of my life. Yeah I know boo hoo but I'm having a moment. I lived through the surgery, staying an extra day because my temp kept spiking. Went home and got pneumonia so I went back for a week to the hospital... got out only to go back in in extreme pain, come to find out I have a leak and an abscess and have to do surgery again (mind you I paid for this out of my pocket and have the rottenest. lousiest insurance plan ever). Yes these would be tears in my beer, but I CAN'T DRINK BEER anymore. Sigh....
 
And I'm trying to get back to working out and ppl tell me I'm messing up by doing that. I love love love the elliptical. I miss my workouts of 5 miles min a day. So I'm doing 3 every other day to build up. Mind you the revision surgery was 3/20... so this is too soon? My dr. said do what you want, you should be ok to be active, don't worry your body will tell you whenever you do too much. So it did every other day... enough time for me to recover and get back into the gym and do 3 more miles. So today I "took it easy" and only did two miles. Treadmills are boring to me..... and it's too hot in the great state of Tejas to run outside (yes, it's gorgeous right now but I would keel over and die from lack of oxygen if I ran.... THAT is a huge challenge that I KNOW I am not currently ready for).
 
But then I get on the scale (yeah bad idea) and I'm up a bit. Not enough to mention but just when I'm feeling like ... well since dinner that I struggled to make isn't working for me (as my belly is wringing itself out like a limp dishtowel after I took a few bites of the turkey-nitas --- yeah my own creation. I found a recipe on eggface's website that sounded delish and then in the store I remembered, my dr. says no pork until 6 months out... maybe b/c he's jewish as a friend told me that's not what her dr. said... idk but that's what my dr. said so i follow it, period). Anywho, I digress and ramble because I am having an emotional moment, sorry.... but I feel like I can't eat anything. I'm struggling with not drinking during a meal. REALLY struggling. And in eating enough ... grrrrr. Can someone send me 5 to 10 recipes of what they lived on during this frustrating phase between full liquids to mush? IDK what I'm doing. But here's my goal: NO MORE LEAKS, pray for no abscess (that crap HURTTTTTTS, or mine certainly did as it was in my diaphragm four days after my discharge from the hospital with pneumonia... hmm seems to me that the diaphragm is needed after you get out with pneumonia.... God's funny right? it's not God, forgive me lord....). Just ain't that Murphy's law? It is in my life I guess....
 
Ok sorry that was ramble city... but how do you "be successful" with this? I'm worried I'm "plateauing" already.
 
And DOES my cytomax pure protein drinks count as my water - or just to the 48 oz a day? Sigh.... so much to try to keep up on. I need help. Lord please, send me a patient angel who doesn't mind the rambling overemotional crappus that women do!
 
Hope all of you are being successes... and pass it forward to those that struggle. One day, dang it, that's gonna be me (gulp, I hope).

So I'm feeling overwhelmed. And I feel like my last two blogs this week have a whiney tone to them, my apologies. Considering I spoke with the dr's wife who does the nutritionist counseling for him and explained to her that my tummy contorts whenever I eat anything pureed at first and if I drink 1/4 of an oz of liquid, it helps... she told me I might have a stricture. You know just whenever pneumonia and a leak and abscess weren't enough ... now I worry I have a stricture. Let's hope that's not the case because if it is, IDK how I'm going to ever regain my confidence back. Oh lawd, here's that baby again.
 
Ok big girl panties, I wanted to post something more solid, more positive. So I have a book that I'm going to post something from. The book is called "Small Bites: Daily Inspirations for WLS Patients" and it's by Katie Jay and Julia Persing. I borrowed it from the bariatric nurse edjucator from the hospital.
 
Set your angel free
 
When you decided to have WLS, were you longing to set free something inside you? Obesity had hidden your true self from view. You longed to reveal the inner you. So, each day WLS has chipped away at your exterior.
 
Michaelangelo said "I saw the angel in the stone and carved until I set him free." Yet at the end of his first day, the rock still looked like...... a rock. Only slowly did it become the beautiful creation that was locked within. As you lose weight, you will change many times, you will wake up mornings and not recognize the thinner face that has replaced the rounded one. In time, with consistency, effort, and a firm vision, you will release your angel within.
 
Set aside a few quiet moments and visualize the inner you - your inner angel. In your mind, embrace that vision, talk to it, and plan together how your inner angel can help you remain steadfast.

So I'm feeling overwhelmed. And I feel like my last two blogs this week have a whiney tone to them, my apologies. Considering I spoke with the dr's wife who does the nutritionist counseling for him and explained to her that my tummy contorts whenever I eat anything pureed at first and if I drink 1/4 of an oz of liquid, it helps... she told me I might have a stricture. You know just whenever pneumonia and a leak and abscess weren't enough ... now I worry I have a stricture. Let's hope that's not the case because if it is, IDK how I'm going to ever regain my confidence back. Oh lawd, here's that baby again.
 
Ok big girl panties, I wanted to post something more solid, more positive. So I have a book that I'm going to post something from. The book is called "Small Bites: Daily Inspirations for WLS Patients" and it's by Katie Jay and Julia Persing. I borrowed it from the bariatric nurse edjucator from the hospital.
 
Set your angel free
 
When you decided to have WLS, were you longing to set free something inside you? Obesity had hidden your true self from view. You longed to reveal the inner you. So, each day WLS has chipped away at your exterior.
 
Michaelangelo said "I saw the angel in the stone and carved until I set him free." Yet at the end of his first day, the rock still looked like...... a rock. Only slowly did it become the beautiful creation that was locked within. As you lose weight, you will change many times, you will wake up mornings and not recognize the thinner face that has replaced the rounded one. In time, with consistency, effort, and a firm vision, you will release your angel within.
 
Set aside a few quiet moments and visualize the inner you - your inner angel. In your mind, embrace that vision, talk to it, and plan together how your inner angel can help you remain steadfast.