IDK if it's fear or what, but my 'tude isn't where I'd like it to be right now.
Part of it is this freak'n leak that I am dealing with. Then to come here and read someone's post that hasn't even had surgery yet that says most ppl with leaks/complications have either caused them themselves or their dr's have or a botched surgery, I'm sorry, but it really pisses me off.
And why? IDK this person. And I don't care to. Doesn't matter a hill of beans what she thinks nor says. So why's it incite something inside of me?
Because I am scared. To the point I find myself crying the last few days on occassion. I rarely cry anymore. Well unless I talk of my family, then that's a whole other ball game (you'd have to know the players to understand the game! so's to speak... anywho, I digress, shocking huh?).
I AM scared. What if I never heal? What if I have to have surgery AGAIN? What if this new job that I just got fires me for something minor/contrived if I take off time to deal with all of this? What if I did something wrong to have caused this? What if I put it off the fix for months, will I continue to be in pain so much that I could slap someone? (as was the case today, which worries me since I have a high pain tolerance according to my last two hospitalizations) What if what if what if.... AHHHH just hush. I need to center and just quiet it all.
Sometimes, as hard as it is to "believe"..... **** JUST happens. It just DOES. In this highly litigous society, where everyone is a "celebrity" and "entitled" to voicing their opinion via statuses on fb/twitter/etc, I just get tired of the lack of common courtesy in the things ppl say or do, as well as the judgements that goes along with it. No one wishes to have that treatment, so why is it so quick to be dished out?
Sometimes things JUST GO WRONG. Etiology undetermined, aka no identifiable root cause. I have spoken to enough dr's and other professionals regarding my health status to know this statement to be fact as it pertains to me. But I get tired of a large percentage of the world that speaks of what they don't know or ask questions that are rather crass in the manner in which they are worded (omg what did you do to cause this?) ......... really, I am struggling enough here.
Perhaps MIA for a while is best. I hate that I'm being quite this emotional and even moreso admitting to it, but hell, I am a realist. So MIA? IDK if that's best for me. Hiding under a rock with all of this crappus floating around in my head... IDK. So ending point is.... if you read this, and if you care, please say some prayers for me. I hope God isn't disappointed in what I feel in my heart. I am honestly struggling right now. I've been fighting so much for so long, I'm just tired and... I am scared, I am frustrated, I am tired. It's a foolish waste of energy, but it is what it is.
Rambling rita out.... xxx