MsAnn6550

Thank you Jim1967 for your input and insight. You are obviously a man with great something but I am not able to say what it is here. I feel so glad that you and your wife are both banded.This means that you have each other with which to both support and comiserate.Hurrah for you!

In my case I would not do it again. Having a lapband take support from the peoplearound you and I have none. My children do not live in the same town as me and my husband......well let's just say it is hard to have a band and all he does is ask me what he can have to eat. The man wants me to think he cannot even make his own microwave popcorn. His idea of helping me if I have a "stuck" moment is to offer me bread with Peanut Butter. My brother also had the band one month before me. I quit going to support meeting because theyalways seemed to be comparing my weight loss to his. I do not want to be compared to anyone, lest of all my brother. If I could change today,I would have the sleeve, but I don't see my insurance paying for anything again. Matbe when I turn 65 Medicare will spring for the sleeve, but I doubt it. The only good thing I can say Is thatI quit smoking to get the band and have not started back. After 4 and 1/2 years I eat what I want when I want most of the time. pills still have to be chopped up. Some things make the band raise it's ugly head one time and go right down another. I guess you could say I quit!

Ireally have no place else to talk. I really don't want to talk to my family. I have tried half way to tell them but they are so wrapped up in their own lives that they don't hear. This past year has been hard. I have not had any kind of follow up or fill since June of 2012. First of 2012 my husband was sure he was gonna die. He had two huge abdominal hernias and was convinced that either they or the surgery to repair them would kill him. He did not want me out of his sight. I did not leave the house much because he wanted to know where I was in case he needed me. He would go to the shooting range once or twice with a friend but he wanted me close to the phone if he called. Talked him into the surgery the end of May. It went great. He was up and walking the same day and home the next. Except for him being an ass because of nicotine withdrawal it was a good thing. By August he was feeling really well. The thing is he had gotten so used to be being always available, he continued to want to know my every move. In the mean time, my lack of interaction with people, I believe has increased my depression. I am not very active. I know the band is restricting how much I eat, but I am not doing well with what I eat. Add to the fact that this past year I have been plagued with breaking teeth and abcesses to the point that I have lost all my upper jaw teeth. I just got my upper partial about 2 weeks ago. After being several months with our chewing ability, I am having to learn to eat food that I can chew instead of slider foods. Then husband had a bad fall that almost killed him. I felt bad for him at first. He had both wrist injured and one knee but the worst was he had a facial fracture and a brain bleed. He almost had to have surgery to stop the brain bleed but it stoped with medical treatment. He was in the hospital for 4 days. Again he became quite an ass with out his cigarettes. He also has a problem with urinary frequency and he can' t pee into a urinal. He had several "accidents" if you know what I mean and he was very hard to handle in the hospital. That was just before Thanksgiving. My son, his wife and the two kids age 5 and 7 were at the house for several days right after I brought him home. I love my granddaughters but they can destroy a house in very short order and I am afraid to rant about it for fear of getting on my DIL's bad side. Long history there. Huband's behavior has been even more difficulty since the fall. Or maybe I.m just becoming more......I don't know what I'm becoming. I think he is more rude than ever. He thinks nothing of interrupting what I'm doing but gets upset if I interrupt him. If I go out like to the grocery without him he has to call and check up on me a couple of times while I'm gone. I find myself wishing that he didn't make it after the fall. I sometimes wish I could go to sleep and not wake up. I think about what I could do if he wasn't here. I confess that I have taken a large amount of benadryl as well as my usual bed time medication in hoe I wouldn't wake up. But as you can see it didn't work. Sometimes I feel really angry and others I feel like crying, a lot. I don't because I know husband would ask too many questions. Nobady call me any more except occasionally someone from the church, and tha't only because they want something. I know I need to go in for a fill/followup but everytime I pick up the phone to make appointment I chicken out. I'm lonesome. All I do is sit. And the more I sit the more I hurt when I finally do get up and move. My knees kill me. I have trouble breathing. I sweat like a ***** in church. My back kills me. I used to have pain medication (Lortab), but my husband took it all because he was saving his Percocet for his "bad" days ( has Fibromyalgia and Diabetic neuropathy). I would run away but I have no income. I have my social security but that is not enough to pay health insurance and living expenses. I would also feel guilty that someone else would have to contend with husband. I resent everything around here. I hate to cook. All he wants is meat and potatoes. He feels he must eat three to four times a day and feels that I need to eat with him, at least twice a day. Oh god! I am rambling so. Maybe saying it here will help me. Maybe tomorrow I wil wake up and it will be a little better. I didn't even talk about son losing his job in September and us giving him money to hel with his bills. Or daughter being "in love" and going to sell her house and move across the state to move in with him. At least son found a job, but they must move to another state. so they are going to be 8 hours away instead of 3 1/2. Like I said, maybe tomorrow will be better.

Have not made an entry in this blog in quite some time. Quite frankly I have not wanted to admit what a failure I am. As I sit here making chocolate chip cookes for hubby and me, it is really hypocracy that I am whining about my life and my size. Where to begin. As if I really think anyone will ever really read this and really care about what I say. I stay in a depressed mood. I am having a hard time finding joy in anything. I just want to crawl back into bed and pull the covers over my head. To add to that tne "Holidays" are coming up. It would be nice if I could go hide until January 2. That way I would not have to deal with Thanksgiving and Christmas along with the Doomsday people that are starting up. They are almost as bad as the Y2K activists.Just saw a picture of two people on Facebook that I used to call my friends at a football game and feel like crying cause they have not called me in so long ago that I can't remember when. I got tired of calling them and decided to wait for them to call me. Guess I got the message. I gave up going to Curves. Decided I really couldn't afford the $44 per month. Son lost his job a coulple of months ago and we gave them money last month. Am forever giving daughter money. I love them but I really don't know how long hubby and I can keep this up. Talked to sister yesterday. She is in China. You would think that would cheer me up but all it did was make me angry and more depressed. She always asks how thing are but I know she really doesn't want to know anything is wrong. What can she do about it half a world away. So I don't tell her about my hair falling out or how my teeth keep breaking and having to be pulled out. Or that right now I have no upper jaw teeth and I am eating nothing but soft to liquid foods and are not low in calorie so I am gaining weight. That my back, legs, knees, and feet hurt so bad when I walk the I don't walk anymore than I have to. Not to mention how short of breath I get when I walk. I sound like a damn train engine when I walk and I feel like I look like a person with CP. I do not feel any restiction with my band but I still break up any pills I take because I fear them getting stuck and puking is not fun. What would people say if they knew that I pray all the time for the Rapture to come and take me away so I won't have to continue to live like this. I have tried to take a few extra pills at night just to see if I can go to sleep and not wake up but apparently I not taken enough since I am still here. Maybe I really don't want to do that so I just have not taken enough. Sounds kinda scary when I admit it here.Oh sure. Somebody out there is saying why don't you go see somebody? Money for one. Nosey hubby is the second. I know he would pester me about what I say to the doctor. And talk to my minister? I feel that would be just as bad. I would not want to say anything to him that would put my family in any bad light. So here I sit. My day consist of getting out of bed late every morning, coming down stairs, and sitting in my chair in the kitchen watching TV, surfing on the computer, cooking for hubby sometimes, eating something, then taking an afternoon nap, only to get up after a couple of hours and doing the samething all over again until it's time to take bed time meds, go to bed and then start things all over again. I'm only 62 but I feel like an old,fat, lonely, forgotten creature who is just waiting for her time to end.

Well, happy Leap Day everybody. I thought I would feel better today, but I don't really. Daughter called and so much as said it is all my fault that her cellphone bill was $20 higher than she thought it would be and that don't expect her to be calling that much any more unless it was to my cellphone. It is not me who calls. It's her dad. And all she has to do is quickly remind him to call on his cellphone. Besides he already gave her a tank of gas and $200 extra this month. It's always something with her. Next thing on my list is hubby. He drives me insane. I just want to go back to bed and pull the covers over my head. I have written before about his health issues and his spending. A couple of months ago he bought a small aluminum fishing boat for $2500. I thought, "Oh,great! Something else that will sit in the garage unused." When I saw it I was mad. It looks like shyt and I told him he got took. "Oh, no." he says. "I got a good deal. It's perfect. It already has a trolling motor and that's all it needs." Well guess what? That perfect boat just had to have a small outboard and we just had to drive 2 hours up and two hours back to buy one. $2000 later he has a new motor for a fishing boat that hasn't been out of the garage in 2 months. Then to top it off, a buyer for the Ranger bassboat appeared. Hubby has talked about how, since it has not been in the water in almost a year and the fact that he can't handle it alone, it would be a good idea to sell it and use that montly payment to payoff credit cards. Well, he sold it but we had to come up with another $2000 to pay it off. This is not leaving much in savings. On top of that, the very same day he sells the boat, his buddy from the boat sales place calls him with "a great deal that just came in". Hubby gets all excited and tells me he just may have to go see it cause it would only be about $10,500 and we could get the money from our home equity line and not even have an increase in our payment. Of course, we don't even owe the equity line anything and it was opened just for the care of the house. I feel cheated. There are so many things I would like to have and they do not include a boat. I find myself wishing he would just go away. I don't have anyone to talk to about it. I only have here to vent because no one here really knows me. I find that I don't really care about my diet or my eating. My band raises it head every once in a while and lets me know it's still there, but I am not using it as a tool like I'm supposed to. Started back to Curves yesterday and am going to try to go there at least three times a week. Got some extreme baking to do next week and the week after so at least I will have an actvity to occupy my thoughts. All for now.

Well here I am. Another Saturday night and I haven't even gotten dressed today. Not sick, just lazy. Couldn't figure out a reason to bother getting dressed. Have not made an entry in a month. Not much has happened except I did get to see my sister for the first time in about 3 years and I know it may be at least that long before I see her again. She lives in China, you see. Doing what I'm not quite sure, but she seems happy. The way my life goes, who knows if I will ever see her again. Also stayed at son's house for the first time in 4 years and the visit went well. DIL got a little snockered, but at least everything was cool. Hubby is the same. Still complaining about his hernias, but even more so. I still hear it so often, I find myself tuning him out. I know the time is nearing when he will have to give in and have the surgery. I dread that day. He is a pain when he is sick and I know that the surgery is going to be difficult. So the recovery is going to be long and difficult, Double difficult cause he is such a drama king. And he has not given up the cigarettes, so I know that will be a problem. As long as he remembers that I have committed to doing two wedding cakes in March. As far as the diet goes, I have not been good. I have been cheating with M&M's. A lot of M&M's. They are like an addiction. Like crack. I'm sneaking around eating them so hubby won't find out. I sneak bags in in my purse to refill the bag on the shelf so he won't know. Have not been good at my Curves attendance either. Am having a hard time getting motivated to even leave the house. Gotta get my mind back in order. I know that my going to Curves not only makes me exercise, it gets me away from him for a while. That should be enough motivation right there. Well, that's enough for now. Will update later.

Happy New Year (she says sarcastically). What can I say. Weighed in at Curves yesterday and had actually gained a pound since last weigh in. And instead of losing some inches, I actually had gained some inches. WTF!!!! I know I didn't go work out during the week between Christmas and New Year's, and that I had cheated. But I didn't think it was that bad. Hubby is getting on my nerves and that makes me turn to food, mainly M&M's and Cheetoes. His complaints about his health are getting to me. All last week he said he could barely walk. The grandchildren were here for New Year's and he stayed in his den/smoking room 90% of the time. Then the very day they went home he took his truck, picked up his fishing buddy and stayed gone for 3 hours, buying a battery for the truck and getting it washed. Tuesday I got him to go see a Chiropractor for his "back pain". Now after three visits he is sure that the adjustments have caused him to bleed internally and made his hernias worse. He is even telling me what his stools look like. I get so tired of listening to his complaints. I never know when to take it as serious signs or to just ignore him. Am going to daughter's house Sunday for a couple of days, to baby sit the grand dog. Will be back Tuesday. He's not going. The break will do me good even though I know I will have to check in with him several times a day. Started Curves Smart today. Having the machines make me give it my all will make me do better, I hope. If that is so, then maybe I'll pay some more and do the Curves Complete and try their diet plan. Mainly I just want to get out of this "funk" I am in am get on with my life, instead of feeling like I want to cry and sneak food.

Alabama here, Saying you're a southern bell can mean you're from anywhere south of the Mason-Dixon line. I never considered Texas as southern but some do. How about you?

Food mourning is a very real emotion I have discovered. Everyday I think I am getting better and everyday I discover something else I will never have again. I try not to dwell on it. I try to remember that all these things are things that got me in the shape I'm in today. I will survive and so will you. Good luck on your journey.

Don't know what's going on with my band. Went to supper with hubby this past Saturday night and ate very well. I finished all my meat and most of the onion rings and a small salad. Had no problems. Was thinking that I wished that my practioner had put in more fluid like I asked her to at my last fill. Went to Longhorn's with hubby tonight. Had 3 mushrooms, 3 bites of salad, 1/2 of a small lobster tail, and about 1/3 of a small filet and the rumble started. It felt like a volcano about to erupt. Made it out to the parking lot and had to puke a little. All I sould think of was "well,what a waste of an expensive meal". In all fairness, the meat was a little dry and this is the second time lobster has given me trouble. Shame too. I have had a love affair with lobster for a long time. Guess those day are over. Only trouble now is that it has only been 3 hours and I'm hungry again. Do I want to eat or have a protien shake or just try to weather it out. The more I think about it the more I want that sweet potatoe I brought home from the restaurant. It has been 6 months. I keep thinking it will get easiet but it hasn't. Do I need to get more in my band,or is that just going to make me get stuck more. I wish I had a magic wand and could just be skinny and be able to eat anything I want.