Well i've finally got the ball rolling, I saw the surgeon a few months ago now i've finally scheduled my sleep study for this wednesday so I should feel really excited and bubbly right? Wrong!

I just feel UGGGHHHH GRRR BLAHHH. The main thing right now is that the doc said he wouldn't operate if I was one pound over what I weighed at the time I first saw him. Right now i am about 10 pounds heavier. At that time I was doing my swim season exercising 3hrs a day. Right now its freezing asses outside and all there is to do is sit inside and eat things -___-. I mean i always gain about 10 pounds in the winter then lose 10 pounds around spring/summer, isn't that normal for most people?

I mean i suppose I could lose if I did some crazy **** like the south beach diet for a few weeks. I just feel so irritated because if I can't even lose ten pounds right now how am i supposed to lose the 130 pounds necessary to goal and how am i supposed to stay there. I feel like I need to reevaluate my whole life and decision to have surgery right now

It makes me want to blame everyone else, like my parents for always bringing home pies and muffins when they know i have a problem. My doctor for requiring me to lose weight. The weather for sucking. But i know deep down I'm just being a whiny b***h and the truth is that all of this is my fault and my own problem since the beginning. I just feel so powerless right now and it makes me pissed off .

I don't know what to do. I can't exactly dedicate my whole life to fitness right now I have to keep my grades up for AP exams coming up around the same time as my surgery. Then again my life is always going to be this way Im always going to be busy with something if not my current 5 ap classes, then medical school or some other ****.

I guess I'll just pull out the old greek yogurt and hope than somehow I get these extra pounds off of myself before February rolls around