I was hoping to be singing a different tune by almost 4 months out. Monday will mark week 16 since surgery. And today, I was back in Urgent Care....again.

I still haven't been able to intake over 600cals most days, with my max protein at about 45-50gms. I have not yet found a protein shake that doesn't give me horrific and immediate diarrhea. I still have trouble staying hydrated.

I work a job that frequently requires 13 hours+ shifts, and I am getting dizzy, lightheaded, and exceptionally fatigued. Today, My muscles felt like they were going to give out - my knees kept involuntarily buckling when attempting to walk to the bathroom and kitchen. I couldn't stop the world from spinning. It sucked. So I went in...but didn't stay (though they wanted to admit me).

I am protein-calorie malnourished. My potassium is terrifically low, and I'm anemic. UC doc ordered a psych consult... I still have no health insurance (doesn't kick in for a few weeks yet), so this will be yet more bills I can't afford. I'm so frustrated.

The worst part of it is, I did it to myself.

I fear eating. I avoid it whenever possible. Yesterday, my intake was a cup of coffee (with a splash of cream), a string cheese and some iced tea. If I could never eat again, I would be happy. I go days without eating sometimes. Part of me fears that anything that passes my lips will make me hideously fat again. I feel zero hunger ever, so I have no cue to eat any more. After years of being ruled by my hunger, I am at loose ends.

I don't know what to do at this point. Maybe I'm depressed, I don't know. I have to continue soldiering on somehow, but here I am...still regretting. Unable to adapt and make it my 'new life'.