Having Problems Staying On Track

It has been a while since I last wrote here notwithstanding my most recent post. Somehow, it seems longer than that. I think because overall I have not been blogging very much for the last couple of months. Furthermore, it upsets me to admit that I have not been reading my dear friends. I guess you could accuse me of being a bit self-absorbed and you would be not far from the mark.

If my blog is a place I come to document my life, emotions and actions then where can I go to escape my life and my emotions? Yes my friends, I have been on a crusade to escape my reality. In that respect, this entry is no different than the one I posted three weeks ago except to say I fell deeper into my addictions.

In last month, I have fallen back into my old addictive behaviors of overeating, making poor food choices, and surfing the Internet. I’ve been staying up past my bedtime on the Internet. Without an adequate amount of sleep, I can’t wake up to exercise. Also, I’m groggy and sleepy for the day so I also tend to eat more and have a very hard time concentrating.

The thing that is scary is that my thoughts and rationalizations about my behavior reverted back to the same as they were before surgery. There are times, in fact, that I forget I’ve even had the surgery. This pattern of behavior is quite frustrating.

I really wish that I could be at a point where I make good choices because that is the right thing to do. I make healthy choices because I am a healthy person. I wish it was more black and white than it is. For the year before having surgery, I was highly motivated and focused on the goal of having surgery. I did not allow anything to get in the way of me being approved for, and having, the surgery. I had even decided that if I was not approved by the insurance company that I’d take a loan out and do it myself.

Once I had the surgery, my goal was to survive the first few months and I lose a significant amount of weight. As I get farther away from the shock and awe of the surgery, I’m settling into a bad routine. Lately, with my old behaviors coming back, it seems that I have lost my direction. I should create a new goal and tell myself not to let anything get in the way of getting to that goal. One good thing about all my self-destructive behavior is that while I haven’t lost any weight, I haven’t gained any either. I haven’t taken any backward steps, but I haven’t moved forward. It’s time to start moving forward again.

A lot of my poor eating habits coming back, and my food and Internet addictions rearing their ugly heads, have had to do with all the stress I am under at work. I’ve come to the conclusion that being stressed at work is a perpetual state of affairs, and I need to figure out a better way to deal with it.

Adding fuel to this fire has been the fact that my wife was not around for two weeks. She went to California to see her friends and I was left alone and to my own devices. Now that she is back, I’ve tried to straighten up a bit. I’m trying to make better choices. I’ve decided to go back onto my pureed diet. I was able to lose about a pound a day on that. So, time to get back into the swing of things.