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The journey begins

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5 1/2 months Post Op

I am sorry I have not blogged in a while. Life got busy and is about to get busier.   I promised when I started blogging to tell the good and the bad so here goes..   Last month was a ton of bad. Not the bands fault. However, it was easy for me to blame the band and say WTH when it was me trying to sabotage myself all along. Not only did my weight loss come to a screaming halt, I gained 4lbs back in one week. One day I felt great and the next I felt no restriction. It was like I never had anything done. For some weird reason I freaked out and started eating and eating to try to feel "full". I am still not quite sure why I did that. I "know" what my portions should be and how I should eat. I do not know why I was looking for that "full" feeling other than I reverted back to eating for comfort which is something I thought I had conquered. Apparently not. So I went in for my monthly check up with my doctor with my b***h on. I was furious I gained weight, convinced I should have done another surgery, pissed at the world because "What if I did all this and am fat forever?"   Now, my doc is a no bullshit kind of guy. He doesn't do well with whining because he has the band himself and he knows whats up. Its like a teenager getting caught sneaking out of the house by a parent who already did all that when they were a teenager. You can't really get anything past this guy. So he comes in the room and says What's going on? Are you drinking your calories? Are you partying? Are you eating a ton of carbs? *Bingo* the Carb alarm goes off. I don't drink and seriously with 6 kids who the hell has time to party? But I was eating baked potatoes, mashed potatoes, fried potatoes. They went down well. I had stopped recording all my calories and was only going to the gym 3 days a week. He told me absolutely no veggies that grow under the ground from now on. Exercise 3 times a week was only going to maintain for me so he wants 45 minutes 7 days a week. *faint* My poor inner fat girl wanted to cry. He asked me what exactly did I expect? The weight was not going to pack its bags and take off on its own. I had gotten lazy again because the band had been working so well for me that I thought I didn't have to work anymore. We did another fill and guess what? I had to re learn how to eat! I thought it was too tight for a bit but it was my bad habits again. It was hard the first week after the fill. I got stuck and finally learned what people mean when they say they "slimed". It is gross and a horrible feeling and completely my fault again. I got complacent. I got lazy again and looked for anyone but myself to lash out at.   This month I am back on track. I have learned that eating a lot during the day is not going to be something I will ever do again. I have very small meals now but I am not looking for the feeling of "full" anymore. I understand now that is not what I need. I need to make sure I don't get dizzy or light headed from not having enough food. Feeling "full" is too much. I have replaced all the potatoes I was eating with squash or zucchini. I replaced a lot of the meat I was eating with fish because it has a lot of protein that I desperately need. I need to make sure that every single day I push my body just for a little while. I need to make sure I am helping the band work. Not expecting it to do all the work. I lost sight of the fact this band is a tool not a cure.   This month I lost all the weight I had gained back. I made it to the next decade down. Since seeing the doctor 3 weeks ago I have lost 8 lbs. I feel great. I am not going to be "fat" or should I say "unhealthy" forever. I have forgiven myself for slipping up. I think maybe that is the most important thing. I have owned the mistake and forgiven myself for it. I will never come on here and bash this tool and say it is evil or its all the bands fault things are not working out for me. The band is an inanimate object. Not capable of either being good or bad or having choices. We control it. We decide how it works for us.   The thing I want people to take from this is if you are in a stall or a plateau right now really look at everything. See maybe the tiny things you might be doing. Do NOT get angry. Try to stay calm and look at it from all angles. Write down everything. Write down how you are feeling emotionally, what are you eating, when are you eating? Once I started keeping logs again I figured out what was wrong. Don't give up hope and don't take it out on yourself or the band. It's just a matter of figuring out where the roadblock is and you will be back on track. Keep your head up. It does not have to come off over night. The goal is to be healthy. You are on track for that already.   I have gone from 305 to 259 since January 11. I am going slow but I am doing it. All I can ask of myself is to be nicer to me.
LeslieW

LeslieW

0
 

Slow and steady wins the race.. Or so I am told

It has been a while since I have written on my blog. Life is happening and I just haven't been able to sit down and put thoughts on the computer lately. So currently I am 2 1/2 months since surgery. Since my surgery date on January 11th 2013 I have lost 34 lbs. I had my second fill a week ago. So here is the tricky part. I do not feel I am doing enough or losing enough. However, I KNOW I am doing good. I have this inner conflict going on second guessing myself and longing for the day when I can look at my weight loss ticker and it does not say 121 lbs left to go!   Now I am going to the gym, eating less and better than I ever have in my life and doing all the things my doctor is telling me to do. We even bought a grill so we could make sure we grill almost every single night. My husband has also started to lose weight. This is great! Why then is the girl in my head still telling me I am fat and gross?   I drive my husband nuts. I ask him do you think i just ate too much? He looks at me like I grew a second head. For the first month he was convinced I was going to starve to death. When I saw my physician last week they were super excited I had lost 10lbs since my post op visit. All I could think was I could have lost more if I hadn't busted my ankle up. So I am wondering when this odd head game I am playing with myself will end and if anyone else has gone through this. When do you start seeing the healthier you? I know she is already here but I do not see her when I look in the mirror.   I am extremely blessed. Aside from some annoying hair loss, I have not had any bad side effects at all. Except from a bit of a pull around my port area if I overdue the exercising I have no discomfort or pain. I breezed through bandster hell. I think it only lasted about 4 days for me before it was time for my first fill. I do get slightly hungry but i can manage this by scheduling my small meals.   So the doctor and my nutritionist say to stop worrying about it. Slow and steady. There is a reason I picked this surgery and not one where I would drop 40lbs a month. I wanted it to be slower. I understood this and I need to stop obsessing about it. So when does what I know catch up to how I feel? I still extremely happy I have the band. I would not change it at all. I just wonder how do I change the way we are taught as heavy people to think about ourselves? I think I will make this my goal for the next month and the weight loss can be a side bonus.
LeslieW

LeslieW

4
 

Update on progress and First Fill

So when I started my blog, I promised to be open and honest about as much as I possibly can with progress with the band. I want my blog to be a place where newbies or those going in for their diet visits to get some honest info. No scare tactics, no BS.   So I have read the boards and forums but I have never seen anyone say step by step what it is like to get a fill. Today I went for my first fill and this is step by step how it happened.   First I had a meeting with my dietitian. I had tons of questions for her today. I was upset that I had seemed to stall out on my weightloss. She said in fact I had lost more weight that I was unaware of. She also explained with the amount of exercise I have been doing, I am building muscle even though I am only doing cardio right now. So she explained the muscle will weigh more than the fat and eventually I will start to lose again. She told me to calm down and stop wigging out. My husband and I have decided I should not use the scale anymore at home to weigh myself. It drives me nuts and is obviously not accurate. I just bought a new one and it still drives me bonkers. I absolutely love my dietitian. She was very patient with me today. She explained in detail how the fill helps. I was confused as to why the fill is supposed to help when I am already only getting about 800 cals a day. However, I also have the plication. Because I was unfilled sometimes I would eat just a tiny bit too much. By the time the food got to the plicated part of my stomach I would be uncomfortable but just a little. She explained to me the nerves that tell us we are full are at the top of our stomachs. The goal is for my band to put gentle pressure on my stomach so that the nerves are triggered easier to tell me I am full. That was I will not over eat with that one more tiny bite that sends me into discomfort.   After I spoke with her it was time to get the fill.   First the nurse took me back to the fill room, had me lay down and looked for my port with the ultra sound machine. Once the port was located, she then put iodine on the port location.   Once I was prepped and ready the doctor came in. Now, my doctor is the kind of doctor who is very friendly and chatty. At the same time he is a no bullshit kind of guy. If you are messing up he is going to tell you. So he comes in chatting away and I am immediately put at ease. He numbs the port site with lidocaine. Honestly this was the worst part with a tiny burning sting. I have had kids.. this aint nothin... so they say.   Once the port area is numb, Dr. DeBarros then put the needle for the saline into the port. The nurse helped me stand up and handed me a cup of water. Dr. D told me to drink the water while he was doing the fill. He was looking for the point where the water would back up. So the funny part was because I am used to sipping he kept telling me to drink faster. So about the third time he said that I stopped and said.. You are not supposed to do that on the band, Dr. D. He just laughed and said, "I didn't say stop." Now all of this took about 5-10 minutes start to finish.   They he asked me about my exercise and was surprised I am already up to 45 minutes a day. He said I was doing great. My diet for the next few days is to move up each stage one day at a time. Today is clear liquids, tomorrow fulls, Sunday will be mushy and then i can work my way up. My next fill appt is set for March 22. If I do not feel like I need one I will just go in for a check up and talk to the dietitian. I am so happy that I get to go visit the office once a month. I cannot imagine having a procedure where you see the doctor once and that is it. I am supremely grateful that my surgeon's office has a full staff that answers my questions and can give me the education I need to succeed on this journey.
LeslieW

LeslieW

3
 

Day 2 45 Day Challenge

So yesterday morning I started the 45 day exercise challenge put forth by my surgeon's office and the support group I go to.(refer to previous post) I went to the gym and did 15 minutes on the Eliptical, 20 on the bike, and 10 minutes on the treadmill. I was having a hard time going longer than that so I would change machines to have a small break walking to the next one.   Last night I was so sore! Every muscle I had hurt and I am not even lifting weights! Not allowed to do that until I am past 6 weeks post op. I was in bed by 9:30 which is almost unheard of for me.   This morning I woke up on my own at 6:25. Got up, decided I was wide awake, got dressed. I leaned over the bed to kiss my husband and tell him to have a good day before I left. He was confused. He thought I was hitting on him and he got very surprised when I said I was going to the gym. Poor guy. LOL   So today was a new day for me. I enjoyed my workout. I raised my time on the eliptical to 35 minutes and then did a 10 minute cool down on the bike. I wanted to go hike Superstition mountain tomorrow but can't find anyone to go with me. I don't want to go on the trail by myself. So I suppose it will be back to the gym in the morning for a good workout.   So I have learned this week that all the stuff I told myself before my surgery was just bullshit excuses. The gym is too far. I can't get up that early. I have too much work to do. The kids take up a lot of time.   The gym is a half hour from my house. I now enjoy singing at the top of my lungs on my drive. I own my own business and work from the time I get up to when i go to bed. I now MAKE time for myself because I am worth it and I need the peace of not having to deal with anyone but myself for an hour. Same goes for the kids. We all do better if Mom has some alone time.   As for my husband wanting me to hit on him. I am flattered he is taking notice and WANTING me to hit on him. The fact that he was disappointed that I am not is saying a whole lot. It means he is paying attention and that is great.   I am very excited to just be able to get out of bed without feeling so damn tired all day. My weight loss has slowed as is normal for this stage. I am now on Month two of post op. I am told it slows down for everyone. Even with it being slow.. I have more energy at 280 this time than I did the last time I weighed 280. Must be something to do with the scale moving backwards instead of forwards.   Tomorrow is day 3 of my challenge. It is good to have challenge in life. It makes you feel like you can accomplish anything. So here is to great new beginnings and being healthier in mind and body.
LeslieW

LeslieW

2
 

45 Day Challenge Starts Tomorrow

So.. I have signed up to do a 45 day challenge with my weight loss support group from my surgeon's office. The challenge is we have to exercise every day for 45 days. We then have to post a pic or a video of us doing the exercise or being active in some way on the group's facebook forum page. The prize is a chance to win a gift card.   So today, I joined a gym. I have a friend who did the RNY surgery today. She goes to the same gym and will be working out with me when she is back on her feet. I don't really care about the gift card. I am excited to be excited about working out. This has never happened to me before. I usually hate the thought of any kind of physical activity.   I feel good when i get up and out of the house for a while. I feel great after I dance with my daughter. I might not have dropped a ton of weight yet (who has at 4 weeks?), but I have a ton more energy.   I am down 25 lbs so far. I am looking forward to seeing what I will look like and feel like after the 45 day challenge. Once it is over, I will post an album of the daily pictures so we can see the progress. If people want to see it. I thought it might be cool to see what a one and a half month transformation looks like.
LeslieW

LeslieW

3
 

Oh Stress how I hate you! General update on life at the moment

So I am 4 weeks post op. I am still losing weight although I had my first week where I did not. I had the dreaded TOM and everything stopped for a week. Thankfully, this week I am down 3 more lbs. Total lost so far is 24lbs.   This week I have also discovered what people mean when they say stress tightens the band. Boy does it ever. I had a rotten experience where I had to defend my son from some pretty nasty accusations this week. (no worries, eventually turned out in his favor) As soon as I arrived back home I felt for the first time almost as if someone had their hand around my stomach. It was the first time I felt like I wanted to throw up. I did not, thank goodness. I did full liquids for the rest of the day and half of the next day and things seemed to calm down.   This week my husband and I have also decided to start saving to have ground broken on our new house. Dealing with banks, finances, mortgages and all of that has been stressful as well. I am learning how to incorporate the band into daily life and am very grateful it is here. We have even been able to go out to eat and I am doing well making better choices. Before, with all this stress I would be eating everything not nailed down. I am a stress eater and there is stress galore in my life. However, my fear of throwing up or getting anything stuck has really worked in my favor. I have not been eating out of control. If anything now I have to make myself get enough calories for the minimum I am required to have.   i am still super excited to be banded. I think with all the stress of my life changes this is still going to be the best year of my life. I am becoming healthier. I have started to love to exercise where I hated it before. I love to dance and ride bikes. I am excited about life right now. For the first time in 20 years.. I feel like I can accomplish anything. That is really saying something when you are only 34. To have all of your younger years be miserable and suddenly find happiness is a blessing. I will forever be grateful to my surgeon and my wonderful family. They are the best support group I could ever ask for. Being part of this group is also wonderful. Being able to search for topics whenever I have a question has been very helpful. I hope everyone continues to post their progress.
LeslieW

LeslieW

0
 

Changing my diet with 6 kids around is NOT as hard as I thought

So I am currently on the mushy stage of my diet. Basically I can eat whatever I can mush up or thick liquids. If it can be pureed or mushied it can be eaten right now.   I have a rather large combined family and one of my biggest fears is it would be really hard not to want to eat the things the kids can have but I cannot. So subtly, over the last few grocery trips I have been making small changes that add up.   I bought spaghetti sauce with less sugar in it. I bought turkey meatballs and I changed their pasta to whole wheat. (I dont eat the pasta and probably never will again).   So when I made dinner.. The kids never said a word about the new taste of the meal. They loved it! They never knew the difference in the meatballs because I never said anything like "Hey this is really different.. try it". I just cooked like normal but with better ingredients. The family had their pasta dinner and I had two mushed up tiny meatballs and a little bit of sauce. Family dinner was a success.   Then last night's dinner was Mexican food night. Now.. I LOVE Mexican food. There is a little hole in the wall place here in the town I live in that I visited at least 4 times a week pre surgery. Yeah.. I admit it.. its my favorite and a weakness.   I made the taco meat with ground turkey and just seasoned it like normal. The seasoning turned it the orange color and gave it the same flavor. The kids never knew the difference. Used lower fat cheese and for the fajitas we did grilled chicken. I had fat free refried beans with a little salsa on top.   Lunch today was tomato soup with skim milk. They love tomato soup so that was never a fear.   I was so scared I would want to eat junk food. In all reality I am improving the health of my kids and they don't even know the difference. I am not making a huge deal out of EVERYTHING HAS TO CHANGE!!! If I do that.. they will shut down and not want anything new. I bought this HUGE box of sugar free popsicles and the kids love them for treats.   I wanted to write this blog to let other people know if you are worried about how the kids will react to the diet changes, just change it. Just make stuff and set it on the table. The rule in my house is if you are hungry enough you will eat. Try to make small little changes to favorites that make them healthier without changing everything they love. Another thing we have always done is there is never ever tv on during dinner. It is our time as a family to talk about the day. I think this kind of distracts them a little bit. It is so important for me to keep that time as a special family time. Where food was always the center of family get togethers, I think it in some ways still can be. We just have to make healthier decisions. So far even right down to the 6 year old, I have gotten great support from my kiddos.   I am so happy my major change can also be a healthy change for them without negatively impacting them. The last thing I want is to find any of my daughters obsessing over a scale before school. I want this to be an easy transition for everyone. While I am still learning what I can eat, I am having fun experimenting and looking at new things to cook for everyone. I am sure I can come up with healthy treats and things kids love without gaining weight back. I am just going to have to make the effort and be excited and say things like Oh my gosh you guys.. this is so yummy. If I have something yummy, most of the time they want to try it.   I still have my days where the smell of bacon wants me to know over my grandma for a plate of food.. but I think this journey is going to be a lot less hard than I thought as long as I just do it.   My imagination is so much worse than reality. Don't pysche yourself out. You got this.
LeslieW

LeslieW

5
 

Walking on Sunshine.. and smaller feet!

Today I went to my post op visit. I am 12 days post op and down 20lbs from start weight on Pre Op diet!!!   I am so excited! The scale has NEVER moved backwards 20lbs. I was never one to gain and lose weight. I just steadily gained. My doctor said I was doing very well and being very compliant. He did tell me he did the plication pretty snug so to make sure I take it slow when eating.   They also told me to speed up my walking a bit and go a bit further. He wants me to walk for a half an hour for exercise 5 times a week.   They changed my diet today. For the rest of today and tomorrow I am on full liquids. Starting Friday I can have mushy food. YAY refried beans here I come!   So my clothes are not looser on me. However, my hands and feet are losing or at least lost swelling from water weight. My shoes are loose and I am now able to turn my rings on fingers without it hurting. My daughter says she can see the weight loss in my face but I cannot see it anywhere yet.   I am encouraged and very happy right now. At this time I am going to start weighing only once a week. I am sure like most I have been a little obsessed with that and weighing every day.   Hopefully, with hard work, the scale will continue to move backwards.
LeslieW

LeslieW

5
 

Unexpected Gift Makes Me a Little Teary Eyed

So no one on here knows but I own my business. Mostly I sell jewelry making supplies and run auctions on various platforms. I spend A LOT of time on Facebook and social media due to the way I have to run my job. I have become friends with a group of people who I really believe God or whatever higher power there is has brought into my life.   Several of these wonderful ladies are on a similar journey as I am and we are all trying to lose weight in some way. Three of them will be doing the RNY either this year or next. They were there for me when my dad passed helping me to get home to see him before he went. That was in November.   Today.. when my daughter came home from school she tripped over a package on the front step. When I opened it, there was gorgeous snow globe from Things Remembered.   It plays "Pretty Woman" and says We love you Leslie.. From the girls and Alan. It says FABULOUS on the inside of the globe.   I have never teared up so fast in my life. Well maybe when my kids were born. To have found such support with the best co workers in the whole world means so much to me.   I wanted to post this blog because I know some people struggle with telling others they are having WLS. I got the same crazy advice and response from some well meaning mis informed people. But then I have these wonderful awesome people in my life who are there and encouraging. I will never hide the fact that I had WLS, because in the end, this is my life. In my life I will chose to be there for others going through the same thing. I will ignore the nay sayers and feel blessed in the fact that there are those people out there who understand and who are proud of me for having the courage to do what I needed to do. After all, the people who love you no matter what, those are the people you want to keep in your life.   I hope everyone can find understanding from the people in their lives. If you cannot.. you have understanding from me. Good luck in your journeys.
LeslieW

LeslieW

4
 

The beginning... And two NSV with one SV

It is important for me to share my journey with others. I will be honest about what I am feeling so that new people or people thinking about getting banded can have an honest view point. I believe most people are this way but there are also some trolls out there with weird agendas that want to scare people. There will be ups and downs as with anything, I am sure. It is my goal to honestly portray what it is like to be banded.   I am 34 years old with a start weight of 305. I have a large blended family. Between my husband and I we have 6 children and a very busy life. I am 8 days post op today. My surgery included a hernia repair, lapband and plication. My band was not "primed" at time of surgery. My first fill is scheduled for 6 weeks post op.   To be quite honest, I am one of those people who don't do well with any pain meds. They knock me out and generally make me groggy. That is what happened this week. Not only was I groggy but I experienced discomfort like never before in my life. This was me being unprepared as I have never had major surgery before. The gas pains alone threw me. They are not your standard gas pain. Until you have it you really won't know what people mean when they are talking about the gas. When you have your band do what everyone says and walk, walk, walk. The first three days after surgery, I was happiest when walking. Working out the gas pressure is a relief!   My relationship with food this week has been an emotional roller coaster. In the beginning of the week, I felt like I had lost a dear friend. I am still on the clear liquid part of my post op diet. It seems like every commercial on TV is about food. Food I don't even normally like looks delicious. Now, at the beginning of my second week Post OP, those commercials no longer bother me. I have accepted the stage of the diet I am on and I know that eventually I will be able to eat "real food" as long as I keep it healthy I WILL succeed!   My relationship with my husband has gotten stronger. I am 34 years old and needed help taking a shower, getting dressed and making broth for myself. He stepped up and did all of these things for me. He took the kids to school, cleaned house, and made their dinner all while holding down a job of his own. I could not have done as well this week without his loving support. When I was ready to start doing things on my own again he did not smother me. He is letting me take control back one step at a time, as I am ready. I am truly blessed to have him in my life. I hope everyone can find support in this journey as I have.   I have had a lot of time to think this week. I took a long hard look at myself and have decided I will not fail my band. Notice I did not say the band will not fail me. I will not fail the band because I have made a decision to follow doctor's orders, to be honest with myself and to let my support system help me. I made the decision to take this step in my life for my health. Let's be honest here.. I also have dreams of feeling sexy again. I am 34 not 90. It is up to me to see that this tool helps me reach my goal. I believe with all my heart personal responsibility needs to be a big part of the healing process.   So flash forward to post op day 8. I feel fantastic today! I have no more pain. I have not had to take my pain meds for two days. The gas is all gone. Food commercials no longer bother me. I am not weak or groggy anymore.   So I promised in my title two NSV's (non scale victories) and one SV (scale victory). So already I am encouraged by progress. My first and a very important NSV is I was able to get my wedding rings back on. Not only are they on but they are comfortable and no longer cutting into my fingers! As I was heartbroken and sorely disappointed in myself when I had to take them off, I am overjoyed to wear them again. My husband is also very proud I am wearing his rings again. The second and also very important NSV.. I was able to sleep in my own bed last night! This was the first time in 10 years I have had to sleep apart from my husband when in the same house. We have never let a fight make one of us sleep on the couch. I spent the entire last week in my recliner because it was the only comfortable spot to sleep. I am so HAPPY to be back in my own bed.   And drum roll please... My scale victory... As of this morning I am down to 289 from 305lbs. 16 lbs lost! I have not seen the scale move backwards in years and never has it moved 16lbs! I can do this. If you are a new person with doubts and questions.. YOU can do this if you want to. Do research. When you think you have done enough.. do some more. It is not easy. Oh boy is it not the easy way out.. It is a tool for you to use. If you want success, reach out and grab it. It is there for you. Remember success comes with bumps in the road. These are just things we all have to get through. It is part of life.   I am sure I will have ups and downs. Lets be realistic. Of course there will be ups and downs. I will share as many of these as I can that I feel people considering this journey should hear. If something goes wrong (unlikely), I will be honest about it and what caused it. I will share the victories as well.   Thank you for reading my first blog. I wish you all success in your own journeys no matter what road they take. I am happy to answer any questions I can if you have any. =)
LeslieW

LeslieW

8
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