It has been a while since I have written on my blog. Life is happening and I just haven't been able to sit down and put thoughts on the computer lately. So currently I am 2 1/2 months since surgery. Since my surgery date on January 11th 2013 I have lost 34 lbs. I had my second fill a week ago. So here is the tricky part. I do not feel I am doing enough or losing enough. However, I KNOW I am doing good. I have this inner conflict going on second guessing myself and longing for the day when I can look at my weight loss ticker and it does not say 121 lbs left to go!
Now I am going to the gym, eating less and better than I ever have in my life and doing all the things my doctor is telling me to do. We even bought a grill so we could make sure we grill almost every single night. My husband has also started to lose weight. This is great! Why then is the girl in my head still telling me I am fat and gross?
I drive my husband nuts. I ask him do you think i just ate too much? He looks at me like I grew a second head. For the first month he was convinced I was going to starve to death. When I saw my physician last week they were super excited I had lost 10lbs since my post op visit. All I could think was I could have lost more if I hadn't busted my ankle up. So I am wondering when this odd head game I am playing with myself will end and if anyone else has gone through this. When do you start seeing the healthier you? I know she is already here but I do not see her when I look in the mirror.
I am extremely blessed. Aside from some annoying hair loss, I have not had any bad side effects at all. Except from a bit of a pull around my port area if I overdue the exercising I have no discomfort or pain. I breezed through bandster hell. I think it only lasted about 4 days for me before it was time for my first fill. I do get slightly hungry but i can manage this by scheduling my small meals.
So the doctor and my nutritionist say to stop worrying about it. Slow and steady. There is a reason I picked this surgery and not one where I would drop 40lbs a month. I wanted it to be slower. I understood this and I need to stop obsessing about it. So when does what I know catch up to how I feel? I still extremely happy I have the band. I would not change it at all. I just wonder how do I change the way we are taught as heavy people to think about ourselves? I think I will make this my goal for the next month and the weight loss can be a side bonus.