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Morelgirl's Lap Band Life

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Jitters

So tomorrow marks 4 weeks from the day I was banded. I have a morning appointment with my surgeon and, judging by what he said last time I saw him, I will probably get my first fill at that time. Sheesh, I hope that's what happens. I've been going a little crazy the last couple of weeks, and I'm hoping a fill will help to restore my sanity.   I realize that I'm unlikely to reach restriction on my first fill. I have an 11 cc band, and the surgeon says most of his patients reach restriction between 3 cc and 8 cc. He didn't mention how much he gives for a first fill, so I'm just praying he won't start with just 1 cc. I need some help here. I've been diligent about counting my calories and staying on target, but it's getting harder and harder. I'm able to eat anything and everything I try with no problems, and I definitely get hungry 2-3 hours after a meal, even one heavy on the protein. As far as I can tell, that should equal a fill, but what can I say? I'm paranoid. In case you hadn't noticed.   I'm sure I'll be posting after the appointment, so tune in tomorrow at the same bat time, same bat channel, for an update. FIngers crossed it will be a happy one.
morelgirl

morelgirl

3
 

It's Safe To Come Out Now

You know, relatively.   First off, I feel the need to simultaneously thank and apologize to everyone who read through yesterday's bitter, angry rant. I did need to get that off my chest, but now Logical Me has woken up from the knock out punch she took from Emotional Me and is able to add a sliver of rationality to the discussion. Because there IS more to this than calories in and calories out, and I'm not in this for an overnight weight loss. I'm in this for the long haul.   I really do appreciate everyone who took the time to point out all the things Emotional Me didn't want to hear, because I do need to remember all that, things like: we're more than an equation, plateaus happen, the band does work, calm down and just keep chugging along. I did need to hear that. I didn't really want to yesterday, but I needed to.   One good thing--one really good thing--did come out of yesterday, though. I had my mad on yesterday, and I was plenty bitter. I had more than my share of "to hell with it" thoughts, and in previous years that would have equalled a cheeseburger at the very least. Instead, I just kept plugging. Yeah, I ate a few more calories than the day before, but I tracked them all and I still stayed below 1200, which in bandster hell is still something of a victory. I kept working, and even if I didn't have a smile on my face the whole time, the work is the important part.   So today, I woke up and got back to it. Breakfast was a small protein shake and half a banana, and I already have lunch and dinner planned with lean protein and fresh veggies and the knowledge that I can't control the scale, but I can control my own behavior. Thanks to the band, that is. We just need to keep getting to know each other and figuring out how this all works.   I think we can do it.
morelgirl

morelgirl

5
 

Calories In V. Calories Out Is B&#%!$@!t

WARNING: This post is brought to you almost exclusively by Emotional Me. She isn't happy.   Whoever came up with the idea that weight loss is merely a matter of calories in v. calories out was a moron. But I might be a bigger moron for buying into it. Being overweight is a hugely complex issue, one that might be affected by, but has a lot more to it than, merely eating too much or moving too little. If it didn't have a lot more to it, there wouldn't be so many of us who dieted and failed to lose weight, exercised and failed to lose weight, cut portions and failed to lose weight. Who just plain failed to lose weight.   Do a little research and the internet will tell you that in order to lose 1 pound of fat, you simply need to eat 3500 fewer calories than you have expended. Allow me to demonstrate to you that this is b@#&$%!t, using myself as an example:   Using multiple factors including my height, my weight, my sex, my age, and my level of activity (which I underestimated, just to be safe), I calculated my Basal Metabolic Rate and the number of calories required by my body each week at present time in order to maintain my current rate. We'll call that number B (for Baseline).   Next, I used My Fitness Pal to track every single item that passed my lips during the past seven days. I'm not kidding about that. If I ate it or drank it, I tracked it, including my 1 calorie calcium supplements and my 5 calorie multivitamins. I missed nothing. My Fitness Pal is great in that it keeps track of each day's calories and also charts your average calories throughout the week. We'll call the number of calories I consumed C (for Consumed).   According to the experts, weight loss is a simple matter of B - C = X . If X is a negative number, then that means you're using more calories than you're eating and you should begin to lose weight. If X is -3500, then you should lose 1 pound. This equation is crap.   I know this because in my B - C = X equation for last week, my X = -7036. I ate 7036 calories fewer than my body required to maintain its weight last week. And what happened? I lost 0.3 lbs.   0.3   Frankly, I'm hocked off. But more than that, I'm scared to death. All the lap band can do for me is to help me to consume less food and fewer calories. If doing that won't actually translate into weight loss, what the hell have I done? What have I spent all those thousandds of dollars on? What have I put my body through? What have I been obsessing over for all this time? Has this all been a big, heinous mistake?   I'd like to allow Logical Me to talk me down from this clock tower I'm occupying at the moment, but frankly, I can't hear a word she's saying over the ranting, raving, and screaming of Emotional Me. Eventually, I hope Emotional Me gets tired and shuts up (or just screams so much, she loses her voice) and Logical Me can get me back on track, but today, so far, is NOT a good day.
morelgirl

morelgirl

7
 

Better To Emote Than Eat

My bff/housemate went to stay with her fiance for the weekend, so this is the first time I've been alone (I mean, other than when she's at work during the day...I work from home) since being banded. I was a little worried that old habits might kick in and have me eating badly while left to my own devices. Even though I've been making all my own meals this whole time, in the time BB (before banding) a weekend alone would have seen me too lazy to cook and living on take out or fast food. I mean, why bother going to the trouble to actually take care of myself when there's no one to eat with and no one to see my bad habits? Fortunately, AB (after banding) I'm still feeling the motivation of a new adventure and did pretty well for myself.   Spending a bunch of time on LBT did, of course, help me keep focused and honest with myself. I'm being more and more careful about weighing and measuring my food as opposed to guesstimating. After so many times on Weight Watchers, I generally do farly well with estimating tablespoons and cups, but it's always good to give myself a refresher course. I also did some cooking. I found a recipe for Wendy's chili that made so much of the stuff that my freezer is now full of tiny cups of it! I also cooked a couple of chicken breasts in the crockpot until they fell apart and I've been using those for chicken salad. Just add lite mayo, plain greek yogurt and spices and it's pretty yummy. I'd love to throw in some diced celery and pickle relish, but I'm still wary of those fibrous vegetables. Maybe in another few weeks.   Wednesday will mark my 3 weeks since surgery. Since my doctor plans to do my first fill at my 4 week appointment and wants me ready for solids by that point, I'll probably begin transitioning to soft solids in the second half of this week. Like with every other stage of this progression, I have my initial, "what counts as a soft solid?" confusion going on at the moment, but I'll figure it out. After all, I can always look it up on the forums!
morelgirl

morelgirl

2
 

These Are My People!

I want to thank everyone who's been reading my ranting posts, and especially all of you who've taken the time to comment. It's such a relief to get these thoughts off my chest sometimes, but it helps even more to hear from others and know that I'm not alone in feeling the way I do. Maybe it's my persecution complex talking, but there are times when being a fat person in our skinny-obsessed society is the most isolating experience in the world.   And being a fat person who has been unable to lose weight is the worst. If I had a dollar for every time someone has asked if I've thought about losing weight, I'd be rich. I might also be in prison, because the more it gets asked, the more I want to smack them upside the head while yelling (at my loudest and most sarcastic), "No! I've never thought of that! Oh, my goodness, I've been having SO MUCH FUN being fat and ostracized and mocked and ignored and insulted and slighted and exposed to ridicule that it NEVER EVEN OCCURRED to me to try to lose weight! Thank you so much for being the frst person to point out that I'm fat, or I never would have figured it out!"   Not that I'm bitter or anything.   Anyway, I don't need to be bitter anymore. Don't get me wrong, I'm still fat. In fact, for another 5 pounds or so I'll continue to be mordibly obese. After all, I was only banded 2.5 weeks ago, so the journey is just beginning for me, but for the first time in my life, I honestly believe that I have a chance to succeed. Even with my band unfilled, I still am able to be satisfied with eating much less than I ever have before. I'm conscious of my portions and my calories, but I'm content with what I'm allowed, not always finishing a meal still wanting more and not starving in between them. Once I get some restriction, I really believe that I'll be able to succeed where in the past I've always failed.   Even better than that, though, is the knowledge that I'm so not doing this alone. I have all the other members here at LBT going through exactly what I am. I can share my feelings with you and know you'll understand. I can ask questions and know that you'll answer. And I can get tips and ideas I never would have thought of myself without having to go digging through the entire internet to find them. That rocks so hard.   So, thanks, all of you. And here's hoping we all succeed together.
morelgirl

morelgirl

4
 

Paranoia, Party Of One? Your Table Is Ready

So I weighed in yesterday and lost 0.9 lbs. This led to the immediate recognition of the fact that at the moment, I have a split personality. I call them Logical Me and Emotional Me.   Logical Me tells me that any weight loss is good weight loss. I'm currently in "Bandster Hell," that period of time between my surgery and my first fill when my appetite has returned, but the band is not yet offering me any restriction. Logical Me points out that a lot of people stop losing weight now entirely and many even gain some weight. She also wants me to remember that the slower the weight loss, the better my skin will be able to adjust and the less loose skin I may have when I reach my goal. And finally, Logical Me would like to point out that I've spent at least ten years getting to this weight from my last lowest point, so it's dumb of me to expect that I'll lose it in a couple of months.   Emotional me is too busy wailing and gnashing her teeth to tell me anything. Somewhere buried in her incoherent sobs, I am able to make out a few thoughts, though, like how can I not lose more weight when I've been eating no more than 1000 calories per day? Or, OMG am I going to fail this attempt at weight loss just like I have all the other ones after I've spent all this money on having surgery? Maybe the band won't help me. Maybe I'm just destined to be fat my whole life, and I'll just keep gaining weight even if I stop eating all together for the rest of my life. Maybe this was all a wasted effort and I should just go crawl under a rock and forget about ever being healthy and happy with myself.   I'd like to slap Emotional Me across the face and tell her to shut her w&!@# mouth. I know those thoughts are ridiculous, but that doesn't mean I can completely erase them from the back of my mind. All I can do is turn up the volume on Logical Me, keep reading the forums, and keep poking along at whatever pace my body deems appropriate. After all, when it comes down to it, I didn't get this surgery just to drop weight; I got it to help me make a huge and permanent lifestyle change that will result in gradual and permanent weight loss.   Maybe if I got that tattooed on the back of my hand, it would be easier to remember...
morelgirl

morelgirl

10
 

Two Weeks Well

Things are still going really well in BandLand. Today marks 2 weeks since surgery--no pain, soreness at the large incision (port site) is barely noticeable anymore, no gas pain (Although I am burping waaaaaaaay more than I ever did before surgery. Is that weird, or has anyone else noticed that? Before surgery, a burp was a rare and embarrassing event for me. Now, several times a day, I end up sounding like a drunken frat boy. Thankfully, my housemate is merely amused by this.). I'm happily eating my mushies and incorporating some very finely minced meats, my favorites so far being black bean soup with salsa and sour cream garnish, and chili. Yum.   The one food issue I worry about at the moment is getting my veggies; not because I'm afraid of getting stuck (so far, I can eat anything, and I do mean anything) but because I get so full just getting in my protein that I don't have room for any! I guess that's why my surgeon wants me taking a multivitamin, but I'd still rather eat fresh vegetables. I like veggies! I know I'm getting some between the salsas and the veggies in the chili and such, but sometimes I still crave some plain steamed broccoli, or a pile of sugar snap peas!   Tonight* is my weigh in, and I'm a little nervous about having gained in the past week since transitioning off of liquids. Even though I've been keeping count of my calories (Wow! I am sooooo addicted to MyFitnessPal on my iPad!!!) and staying at around 1000/day, I know from past experience that my body can hang onto weight on nothing but saltines and water! But, fingers crossed. I keep telling myself that this is a journey, and I've barely finished buttoning my coat and stepping out the front door. Maybe that will help me remember to be patient and let the band help me toward my goals.           * Yes, I weigh at night. I know most people weigh in the morning and that morning weight tends to be lower than night weight, but my morning schedule is much less consistent than my nights, so if I weigh in the morning, I NEVER end up weighing in at the same time two weeks in a row. Plus, the difference in day and night weights seems to also compensate for the difference between my scale and the doctor's scale.
morelgirl

morelgirl

6
 

Truckin'

Apologies to anyone who is (like me) old enough to see that post title and now has the Grateful Dead stuck in their head. At least be comforted that I am in the same boat.   It is appropriate, though. I am truckin' along here 10 days post-surgery. I'm really enjoying my mushies over last week's liquids, but I am trying to keep an eye on my calories and getting as close to my minimum protein goals as I can. On that score, I can't wait until I can actually eat meat again. It has sooo much more protein than the softer eggs and beans and cheeses I'm most comfortable with at the moment. Honestly, I'm so comfortable and having such an easy time of it, that I'm guessing I could probably handle soft solids if not solids already, but after pushing for early mushies, I'm trying not to rock the boat too much more. And honestly, I'm not really having hunger issues yet, either. I mean, I get hungry, but it pretty much corresponds to mealtimes and 1/4 to 1/2 cup of food keeps me satisfied for hours. I still worry, though. I'm a bit paranoid about whether I'm inadvertently stretching my pouch, but I think my volumes are small enough to be safe. Fingers crossed.   Some soreness around my largest incision still, a bit worse today after I overdid it a little yesterday on the bending at stretching, but nothing liquid Tylenol isn't dealing with. First fill should be in 18 days, and I'm marking the time off with eager anticipation!
morelgirl

morelgirl

0
 

Okay, Done With Down

The emotional down, that is. Hopefully, there will be lots of down happening on my scale in the weeks and months to come. My last entry was a bit on the depressed/depressing side, and I'm going to work not to let that take over. After all, things are actually pretty good.   The surgery was surprisingly easy, in more ways than one. Since my insurance excluded the procedure from my policy, I ended up paying cash for it, and let me tell you, that certainly speeds up the process--so much so, that when I gave my surgery date to the program coordinator at the center where I had the procedure (a little less than three months after attending the mandatory information seminar on bariatric surgeries in general), she informed me that she thought I had set a new speed record for the pre-op phase of the process. And the surgery itself was way less scary thanks could have been. In and out of the operating room in 1 hour, and home in my recliner within another six.   Surprisingly, the incisions ended up being the least noticeable pain after the fact. The shoulder pain, which I hadn't heard of but now know is normal, was much more uncomfortable. In reality, the incisions just itch a lot. Only the largest one is a problem, and that's mostly just sore, as if I had pulled a muscle there a few days ago and it's now slowly repairing itself. It only really bugs me when I stretch. All in all, the recovery is going smooth and easy, just like the surgery. Let's hope it's an omen of how the weight loss will go as well.   So really, I should be feeling pretty good. And I am, on top of the underlying low grade fear. This could mean very good things for me, especially now that I'm on mashies; it's amazing how that one little step can make a person feel sooooooooo much more human. In two and a half weeks, I go back to the surgeon for what I hope will be my first fill, and then the journey can really start.   Please, bandster hell, go easy on me. I'm still feeling a little fragile.  
morelgirl

morelgirl

2
 

Round 1: Coming Out Swinging

I'm starting this with the uncertainty whether I hope or dread anyone reading it, not to mention the hard-earned inability to believe that even this step will really be able to accomplish the thing to which it seems I've dedicated my life: losing weight. Unsucessfully, natch.   I remember being on my first diet by the age of 9; I got my lap band (a Realize band, actually) on February 1, 2012, a little less than 3 month before my 37th birthday. Did I give up on losing the weight on my own? Maybe, but I prefer to think of it as giving up on the DELUSION that I could lose it on my own. Yes, I said it--it was a delusion. Delusional thinking. I've dieted for almost my entire life; if dieting actually led to weight loss, I'd be f'ing Kate Moss by now. Heck, I'd have melted away to nothing more than a decade ago. Atkins? Did it. Sonoma? Did it. Cabbage soup? Grapefruit? Mayo Clinic? Done, done, done. Jenny Craig? Check. Weight Watchers? Which of the nine times do you want to discuss? Counting calories? Yup, as well as counting fat, counting carbs, and counting numbers of bites. I became a human abacus. I saw a nutritionist for two years, and a therapist for even longer. I worked on my issues even as I worked harder at losing weight than at anything else in my life, but the lesson I learned from all of that work was that dieting doesn't. It doesn't work, and it most especially doesn't work for me.   Enter, the band. Through five little incisions right in my belly. It is even now wrapped around my stomach and giving me a new (if still shaky) hope that maybe I can finally solve this problem. You know the one. The one that makes buying clothes not only difficult, but occasionally humiliating. The one that makes other people's gazes either slide right over you, or linger in that way that makes you want to crawl under a rock and hide. The one that makes doctors blame anything you ask for their help with on the same thing, regardless of symptoms, cause, or duration. The one that makes anyone in the medical profession ask if you've ever considered losing weight, as if you hadn't noticed you were fat and the idea of attempting to be thin had never even occurred to you. Yeah, that one.   The issue here is that one week after surgery and 13.7 pounds down from my pre-pre-op-diet weight, I still haven't decided whether or not I believe this solution will work. I hope--God knows, I hope--but I can't quite commit to optimism yet. All I've got at the moment is that hope, and the kind of anticipation you feel before a huge exam. I know I studied, and I know the material backward and forward, but I still can't help feeling that I still could fail, just because I've done it before.   Still, fingers crossed and breath held and band installed. I've even begun to transition (with desperation induced permission from my surgeon...I couldn't take liquids anymore) onto purees. Maybe this will work. Maybe I'll blog here more than this once. I don't know what the future holds yet, but I really hope it's good.
morelgirl

morelgirl

3
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