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Day 14 of the pre op liquid diet

I am numb to just about everything at this point. I went to have my eyebrows waxed the other day and it hardly even hurt. It was the weirdest thing. It's kind of like my whole world is black and white. And logically I know this is all worth it. I know this will all pass and I will be fabulous. I can even say it out loud but right now it's just words. That whole BS about how it takes more muscles to frown than smile, i'd like to challenge that please. I think what i hate the most is my lack of personality. I'm flat. i wonder if this is how mentally ill people feel when they are medicated? is this the feeling that drives them to risk being off their meds?   Yet i stand strong. I've been a good good girl the past few days. I'm not really hungry any more at all, i'm just so so tired. Life has not given me any breaks this past week. I've had just as much if not more going on. With the kids breaking their cells phones (both of which have to be replaced today), trying to schedule photo clients for Sept and Oct, trying to keep my disgusting house some what clean while working a gazillion hours. And now tonight, the night before surgery i have an evening filled with church meetings... But tomorrow. Ahhh tomorrow things will get underway and I will crest the hill that i've been climbing. I'm so ready for this. I'm so ready to get back to the regular me, well of course with some improvements!!! See i managed to throw in a couple exclamation points. I haven't even been able to do that the past few days.   24 hours from now things will be underway....
rachnett

rachnett

2
 

day four and six of my pre op diet

8/10/09 Day four. Somebody shoot me. this f’ing sucks. I’m having less than 500 calories a day with 95% of them being liquid. It should be 100% liquid but I can not tolerate the powdered protein they want me to be consuming every day. I’ve tried every imaginable form of it out there. It all tastes like crap. It’s all thick. Really I’m not being a baby about this. I’m the girl who can’t drink milk because it’s yucky. If I force myself to drink it, it’s just going to come back up. I can hardly eat jello because the texture makes me gag. So I’m started to supplement my liquid diet with a daily single serving of tuna. 60 calories, no carbs & 12 grams of protein. cheater I know. go back thru my blog I don’t think it’s any surprise that I’m a cheater. So any way let’s add to it. let’s pour salt in my wound (I hate the word wound). I had to start using my bypap machine Friday night. In order for insurance to cover it they have to see that I’m using it 4 hours a night. Really? instead of helping me sleep better this thing just ensures that I don’t sleep through the night. It’s uncomfortable. It’s noisy. It smells funny. I feel like a dumb a. so I’m not sleeping well and I’m tired because I’m consuming minimal protein. I’m having a WTF was I thinking moment today. Really? all of this for what? To be healthier and get into a size 10 jean. Maybe an 8. Really? please God promise me this will all be worth it down the road because today it isn’t. 8/12/09 Day six I could not get out of bed this morning. I slept like crap thanks to that stupid stupid bipap machine. Really? I have to add that to my already stupid restrictive life. Now I’m not even allowed to sleep? Anyway, so I call into work. Told them I felt awful which was the under statement of the year. I think the lack of protein finally hit me. I felt like I was moving my body through water. My limbs were heavy. I was sluggish. And my head was foggy. Gosh it’s great to be me. So I slept in a little then got as far as my desk. In my pj’s, unshowered I spent the next 3.5 hours working on photos. That wasn’t so taxing. I told the kids to pretend like I wasn’t home. Sha was there. I just shut my door. I felt good about what I got done. I played some tutorial videos as I worked and actually learned a thing or two. I had to rush through the shower to get out the door in time to get to the hospital by 1:45 for my pre admission testing. On the way I gave Dad a call to get an update on him. He talked all the way from Reinbeck to Cedar Falls and then some. At this point I was crabby. I was so tired. I was dizzy. A couple times I thought this must be what it feels like before you pass out. So I sit thru the pat’ing. She’s telling me to do this and don’t do that and I’m just sitting there staring at her. I know I’m not smiling, I don’t think I had the energy to smile. I told her at one point I needed to write some of what she was telling me down or would never remember it. I told her the liquid diet had wicked away my memory and my personality. Sad but true. Once I’d signed off that I was aware of all the bad things that could happen from the procedure they walked me down to the lab for yet more lab work. Why is it a little tiny needle in the crook of my arm hurts so much more than the thousands upon thousands of jabs that I take while sitting for Juno? Finally I’m allowed to go to my appointment with Dr. hodges which requires me to drive around to the other office. Yeah well first I have to remember where I parked my car. I go outside and I hit the lock button so that the horn can lead me to it. Except when I hear the horn I seriously can not tell what direction the sound came from. It’s like a freaking fun house! finally after walking around for a minute or so (it’s not a big parking lot) I find my car. Thank goodness!
rachnett

rachnett

4
 

self hate

7/28/09 I must hate myself. Right? why else would I do this to myself. I’m like a fast food junkie. This must be what it feels like to be hooked on crack. Always thinking about your next hit and where it’s going to come from. The moment I feel a twinge of lunch-time hunger I’m all about where I’m going to snag my next “hit”. Then I eat and for about 30 seconds I enjoy it right before the guilt sets in. Then about 10 minutes later I feel terrible. Bloated and full and yucky, which just accentuates the guilt. And the cycle continues…I must hate myself. right? or I wouldn’t eat like I do. I’m actually to a point where I’m going to have a doctor surgically restrict my stomach capacity. Oh God please don’t let me fail. This is like my only chance. All I have to do is follow the rules. I try so hard to be optimistic and not think about the possibility of failure but it’s there. In my head, it’s there. That voice, that sounds oddly like my mothers, saying “why bother, you’re not going to be able to follow the rules.” Am I in denial because I’m not allowing myself to really even think about the possibility of failure or is that what I’m supposed to do? If the root cause is self hate then really will the surgery even work? Have I been fooling myself all these years into thinking I liked myself? I’m mean really I must hate myself. right? or I wouldn’t eat like I do….
rachnett

rachnett

1
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