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3 year Bandiversary.....

I do not know what made me think of getting on here. Have not done so in almost two years! Wish I could say I had made a lot of progress since then. Have sure NOT. This three year thing is getting to me more than I thought it would. I have lost about 41 lbs. I need to lose about 50 more. Not a thing happening in that area. In fact, I was pretty stable but now it is creeping UP. I feel like I need to GRAB on the side of a cliff to stop this, but do not know how.   I exercise by brisk walking 1/2 hr. to an hour almost every single day. I eat as little as I can. I really do. Sometimes I fix a plate, end up only eating half of it. I am a terrible water drinker and I know that. I really do not think that is the thing that is causing this problem. I do not diary my foods. I just cannot get myself to do this. I know that would help. Otherwise, I am healthy. Good BP, Cholesterol OK, etc. Just cannot get this weight thing to work. I am feeling like trying Weight Watchers again. I even tried Alli. Gained on that last month. Does this sound like my same old same old routine?? Yup. But now I have the band to deal with too. I really think my metabolism just super adjusts. I only have half a thyroid due to a goiter. The other half now has three large finger like goiters. I take my meds there religiously. But I think the 2-3 times over the past three years I have really jolted my metabolism I got a bit off, and then my body adjusts. I have been to the endocrinologist. My TSH and TH levels are normal. So they say that is not it. I guess I do not do some of the things like journaling because I just do not feel they help. I have in the past...to no avail. Last time I went to WW I sat in the meetings week after week, following the program best I could, pretty well, and lost nothing while others did. It is pretty humiliating. So this time I will try at home....probably will not help. I go to the doc every four weeks, if the bariatric specialist does not know how to help me, then how am I supposed to figure this out?? I do feel better. I wear two to three sizes smaller. My clothes all fit from last summer, jeans go in dryer and still fit, etc. Lots of good things I guess. I am just TIRED of being this size. I am tired of doing the best I can, of trying to watch my amounts and keep moving. Just for nothing to happen or now to gain.   If you are new to the game, do NOT read this. I hope that everyone has the greatest success with their surgery! I have had some success. Just not what I wanted. Seems like I have had enough time to do some damage too. Just wish I could figure this out........not the best anniversary coming. up.......Thanks for listening....
BioTeacher

BioTeacher

8
 

Gotta FIND my POSITIVE PATTY!

I am normally an optimistic person. I really am. Lately I have been wondering WHERE that all went! Not just with weight loss which is not happening, but with everything. Maybe it is just that fact that school is again starting and I know how tired and just real tired it makes me. Or that there will be so many kids and I have a hard time handling that. Or what did I actually accomplish this summer? Not much. I have just got to find that happy person again. Maybe the kids I will have will bring that back. Even though it is exhausting work, the one thing that keeps me laughing are the kids. So even though I have darn many of them, maybe I can get some fun and laughter from them. Maybe that is just what I need. As for the weight loss, I have just got to get on a VERY STRICT eating plan. I hope I am not too tired and crazy to do that. I really need a fix of sweets it seems like once a day. I saw this girl on Intervention. She ate ice cream, whipped cream, peanut butter, stuff like that then immediately purged it up. Now that made me think. The things I really NEED or get most pleasure from are cool whip, chocolate, peanut butter, soft serve ice cream. The same things she was eating and purging. What is it about those foods that I am not getting? I think it is the creaminess, sweetness, and bold flavor. Anyway, I do not eat them very much at all now. But I still have some of them and I still struggle. I need to find out what is making me tick with those and why I need them. You hear people say after they have not had sweets for several months then they do not want them anymore. Well---that is NOT the way it is for me. I do not need a BUNCH or large amount but just a bit almost every day. When I am tired I know I say--hey you made it through the day---you deserve a little something. Who is going to eat an apple then? I always admired those THIN people who can eat PART of a donut (I do not eat them now I really don't) and then leave like a couple bites there. Now again, two bites of a donut--how hard is that!? Well that is why I am here and they are there! ha. So anyway, I am trying to find my "mojo" or happy self. I am trying I really am. I must get on that eating plan that is so strict or I will never lose. Just doing pretty good is just not doing anything for me. I also spent all summer working out with weights, doing lots of aerobics almost everyday and I weigh almost the same as I did at the end of May. Now I am finding it hard to get motivated to go, I mean WHY? it is not helping. But I will keep trying. And also just try to not worry about my stupid doc's office. Those people do not care about me and I can do this without them. Maybe if I hear of someone better I can find them, but right now I am stumped there. Any suggestions on finding that Happy Hannah?? I could use them. Thanks for helping me to get this out. It really helps. :frown:
BioTeacher

BioTeacher

4
 

Still not doing good

:glare: Well I just read someone's blog here who had lost 90 lbs.in 6 months. I am not about 11 months post op and am creeping back up! I have gained a couple more pounds. I think I might have lost 33 now. Had lost close to 40. I am trying very hard to not eat much. It is so hard. I do not feel the band too much. Have trouble eating stringy meat, now apples with skin. But I just do not feel too much. I have about 6 and 1/2 ml in a 9 ml band. I don't think they can put much more in there. This last few pounds I have gained back has made me feel really tired and depressed. it is right on my stomach. I can just feel the "ledge" coming back on. Everyday I get on the scale and it is higher and higher. I feel like I am on a roller coaster and I cannot stop the gaining. I keep thinking I will go back on liquids with just a few ounces between meals and then I don't do it. Same old same old as before surgery. I really eat in a very good way--low fat milk, etc. etc.... I only eat barely half of my meal when eating out and no bread. Only bread I eat is sometimes diet breads. No caffeine at all, no carbonated sodas and I am really really wanting a diet coke! Yikes...and I don't see why I cannot have it, I am not losing anyway!! I do have a cookie here and there but not much. I walk briskly every day. I guess my body is just so used to dieting for years and years and years that it can now even GAIN weight on very little food. I have just about given up on the band helping me at all. For some reason, I get to be one of the few that it doesn't work for. This is making me tear up now. I again feel like a loser and failure. I am tired of looking like this fat thing. I am so tired, tired of this. I had hoped to lose constantly. I have lost nothing since Nov. and have now started gaining it back. This is a classic for me. it is what I always do. Lose 40 and gain it back. I need to lose like 65 more. never going to happen. The doctor is no help. I don't need to see a dietician. I just need help!! why , why why can't I be one of the ones this works for? Why did I have to be one of the failures?? Oh well... I will keep exercising and eating as well as I can until I am as fat as before and i will have a band in me too. Great.... done...I hate this. :thumbup:
BioTeacher

BioTeacher

7
 

Need advice for the office! Restriction--what is it?

The last two days I have gotten a call from the Office Mgr. at my doc's office. I went to a support group and ended up really voicing my frustration at the lack of results I am having. I had just come from yet another lecture on how I should just eat one cup of food and then stop and how I should not even feel the band or restriction. I am reading back through my threads and blogs trying to get a handle on just WHAT to say to this lady. So this blog is about my trying to clear up what to say. I do NOT want to be a whiner, complainer, blame everyone else for what is happening to me person! I guess the bottom line is this. When I went to the preop stuff I THOUGHT I heard them indicate that I would feel this elusive restriction thing. This would be a "full" feeling where I just could not, would not be able to eat anymore. According to the TWO lectures I have gotten at the office that is baloney. IF I feel anything like that then I am too full in my band. Now I have read and looked at many threads and blogs here and that is NOT what they all say. Many say once you feel it then you LEARN to not eat too much so you are not feeling that full sign anymore. I think I could go with that. What I cannot go with is that I have seldom ever felt anything and I am just supposed to stop eating. Wish I could have done that before, if so, I would never have gotten the band. So what do I tell this person? I guess it is that I do not feel that what was "advertised" is what I got. I am a college educated ANATOMY teacher for gosh sakes and I think I was not too DUMB to understand what was told to me was supposed to happen. Was I just soooo excited (as so many of these bandsters are) that I heard what I wanted to hear?? And did not hear the real thing?? Maybe?? This weight thing is a LOOOONNNNGG time struggle. It is near and dear to my heart so maybe I am crazy or nuts or just did not get it when I went. I am and have been trying to do everything they asked. I am not perfect but I am doing darn good in all categories. Ask my family, ask my friends....When I really got angry in March the nurse thought I had stretched my esophagus by eating too much! I knew in my heart I had not ! And sure enough all was OK on a barium swallow. Sure looked like all went down pretty easily and well too....hmmm. But I got no fill on that appt. because she was thinking I had stretched by eating too much! I don't eat that much!! Now the next question is, do I mention all the other problems I have there? Such as: 1) I seldom see the actual doctor--it has been since maybe January. 2) They never have my blood test results. When I called to check with the lab because it has happened over and over they said they had been faxed. One time I went in October for tests, At November they could not find them (and I went early enough!), and then in December someone finally did and told me I was low on iron, and handed me an order for my next scheduled routine blood tests! Now How could I make any changes in diet and iron for that test? Recently I went in and at checkout they tried to hand me another order when I had JUST WENT about three weeks before that for tests and they did not have any results! I still NEVER heard anything about those tests? 3) The one time I got angry and got the first lecture about not feeling anything I was then sent to the dietician ten minutes later who said--you just haven't hit your sweet spot(restriction!) yet! Well darn, the nurse had just told me there was no such thing?? What the heck?? Someone is not on the same page here! 4) My bills are messed up. They kept billing the fills as surgery, my insurance rejected that and they kept doing it since November. Finally they tried a different billing code which also got rejected! The lady is very nice --- I have paid them nothing but my copays--but I get the bills saying I owe hundreds of dollars now and it is upsetting. Very nice lady working on it but it is still there. When I asked to talk to this lady last time I was told she was in the Doctor's office and not the Hospital where I go for my appts so I could not do anything about that there. 5) My appts were cancelled and rescheduled a LOT at the beginning of all this. I went it once and I had a card and all saying I had an appt. and they did not have me down. I had to take a full day off work to go to the doc's office instead or wait another 6 weeks to get in. Since I am not feeling restriction(?) I thought I better get in there. However, since January this has been better so I feel I should not take this up at all. I need to finish this up. It is too long. I need to talk to this lady today. I do not want to complain about everything, I want to focus in. Anyone out there have some thoughts? I think I will just focus in on the restriction thing. What I thought versus what is happening. I think I need an aggressive approach, I need my band tight at least to get me going and something about it is not that. There seem to be docs out there who are making SURE the band is causing a change in feeling. Just not mine. So maybe I am such an extreme case that I need what the doc won't give me. Maybe I am a complete nutcase too?? Could be. The nurse says the doc is careful and has had very few complications. I should be GLAD about that! But it is not helping me get to where I want to go.I cannot sit at a support meeting where someone says: you just cannot GAIN with the band! Well yoo-hoo--you sure can! Even when you are trying HARD! I think I have been patient--almost a year now. 7ml in a 9ml Realize Band. 35lbs. but none since November 08. Have done all the things I was told. Not perfect but pretty good I think. Was told ---this is about it for the fills. Hey this is a long blog but anyone out there got some advice as to what to tell the office and not be a complainer?? I could use the advice!
BioTeacher

BioTeacher

4
 

Just read and replied to MY FORUM--the STRUGGLERS!!

Well here I am not doing any better than I was in April. I have gained some weight and just cannot get it to STOP. I do not hardly ever feel restriction. I am eating well, exercising a lot and steadily gaining. I gave up my beloved TAB a year ago and I too WANT it back. It did not do any good to get rid of it. I have lots of WATER, now too. I am just kind of "Whatever" about my LB now. I am gaining, it seems like the same diet I have went on the past ten years. I usually lose 40 then gain it all back. And I need to lose like 60 more!! I too wish I could have had a roux en y but my BMI did not qualify for it. This is all I could get and now it does not work for me. I am trying hard, hard to be full and just STOP. I am trying to go back to postop hungry, hungry diet. I cannot go back to Weight Watchers. I am a lifetime member and went back numerous times. Same thing happens there as at my doc's office. They only recognize and really help the people who are successful. The strugglers and rejoiners are ignored or made to feel like failures. Well, I failed AGAIN, yet AGAIN. I don't know what to do now. I just don't. My band is just about full---7in a 9 and I am at the end of my rope. I am tired of looking and feeling like this. I am tired of trying so darn hard and then GAINING! Crap!! Well better to write here than eat, right? Am I angry, you bet I am. But now I am getting over that and am just totally disappointed. Please don't tell me it is a TOOL, I know that. the tool is doing almost nothing for ME! Hey all of you out there, you are NOT alone! Wondering why I did not do research into how successful this really is. As I hear all these people on the site so darn excited about getting their surgery and changing their lives I just want to SHOUT and say --IT MAY NOT WORK THAT GOOD!! But being there like them I hope the best for them and don't want to squash their happiness. This lapband thing is just NOT what it was cooked up to be. Or else as I heard many people say here--it is ALL ME and I am just a nutso crazy eater and my head is just on backwards. It is ALL my fault I never feel the restriction. There isn't supposed to be ANY! That's what the nurse says! Oh well. Sorry I got on a roll here and got some of this OUT of my system! YES! :cool:
BioTeacher

BioTeacher

5
 

After Christmas Blues

Well I don't get on here unless I need to pour it out and that I need to do. I saw my sister-in-law that had a rny about a year ago this time. She is a stick figure. She looks so great. It just makes me so sad. I have had this thing for almost 18 months. And here I sit. If I had lost even 5 pounds a month I would be down by 90 lbs! I have lost 35 and that was done by this time last year. And basically nothing since then. I really feel that I eat so much less than I did. I do not drink or eat caffeine, carbonated drinks. I exercise like a trouper. And here I am with this stupid band in me that is doing nothing for me. I guess I just do not have the self discipline needed with it. I needed the rny but I was not obese enough to qualify. So here I sit. Pity Party I know but gee. I just want to sit and watch TV and do nothing when I have plenty to do. House is a mess... I just want to cry. I just want to understand and make some progress. I can see her in my mind. What a shocker. She was so much heavier than me. And here I am.... It does not make me want to do more, it makes me want to just crawl in bed and stay. Well I better go. This isn't helping those of you with lots of hope! Just quit looking now and go back to hopeville. :drool:
BioTeacher

BioTeacher

3
 

My first EVER throw up! & LAST I hope!

Went on a fun girls trip. I did OK on the eating. Ate chef salad or grilled chicken salad a lot. If we ate at a family Amish type rest. then I had green beans, chicken, stuff like that. However, I had my very first ever throw up! I was eating lunch at the rest. where the flea market is. I had some white meat chicken on the bone and was eating it slowly and chewing it up, At least I thought I was. I also had eaten some green beans. Ate a bite of mashed tatoes then gave rest to my kid. All of a sudden it began to hurt in my chest like REALLY BAD. Like a heart attack! I felt bad. I went to the RR and there was a big line and I was about 6 back from even getting in the door. I almost just yelled for all of them to get out of the way and head for the sink. I was gulping to hold it down. Then I saw a door, I ran out, went behind the bldg. and just puked it up. I felt FINE afterwards and immediately better. wow. My daughter knew what was wrong but the other 7 people had no idea about my band so did not know. The nice Amish lady waiting on us asked if something was wrong with the food! Also because ate very little of it. Man oh man, I do not want that. I guess the chicken got stuck. Yikes. So I stuck with salads the rest of the trip. Seriously. Before that I had some Wendy's grilled chicken and felt a little stuck too. Guess I am not going slow enough or eating with more chewing.....ugh. You ever had any of that? I have read about lots of people who have but that was a first for me! I am proud to have worked out with weights for SEVEN weeks now since school is out! I am so proud! Gotta figure out how to keep that up. Also my cardio is great. We even walked back to the hotel from restaurants twice about a mile! One night after walking all day at flea market! No problem. I have not been on the scale since July 6th. I will try to not get on there til I go back in August. Not sure I can do that! ha. I do not feel a big weight loss but do feel loose in some clothes and others fitting just fine. Probably have lost nothing.... did not track the foods on Fit.com while gone so will get back to that now. Trying to eat 1600 calories is sort of hard--so used to trying to stick to less. Oh well. Water is going well too. Many other things going on. Two more short trips coming up. My daughter is my watchdog though and she keeps me good a lot. More later. :smile2:
BioTeacher

BioTeacher

5
 

I think I am crazy!

Just got a call from someone at my doc's office. I shouldn't say no one cares there because some do. I was encouraged to share my frustrations with the doctor and others. Well, all I could say is that day after I had waited all that time, I would have totally LOST it and I just don't do that. I won't. I told her that I felt he and I were not on the same plane. Now I am wondering, has my plane crashed? Am I just losing it? Has all this frustration with me and my band put me over the edge?? I guess I really thought this journey was going to be a lot different than it is. Ultimately, I have got to do this myself. I am not going to get much support from them. I am obviously some kind of "hard to lose, slow loser" person. For what reason I do not know. I have tried to find out. Maybe I am kidding myself about what I eat and I am in la-la land. Right now I just do not know. I probably could use some counseling for deeper food issues than I even know. I don't see me getting that done. Just will not have the time or just won't. So I gotta DIG IN DEEP and get very strict. What I see others eat is just not going to work for me. How this band works for others is not on my plate so to speak. It is just not helping me much --- I needed more than its got. I have more going on than I can deal with and this tool is not quite getting it for me. I am tired, tired of fretting about this. Soon I will have plenty to think about besides this. I don't know.   Two good things. My family was going to a big buffet thing for lunch today--The Journey. That sounds omninous doesn't it? I looked it up--lots of stuff. I decided not to go. I am feeling a bit blue about that. Isn't that terrible?? I miss going with them too but I see them often so it must be the food. How silly. Well I know I did the right thing. I think I am going to go work out with weights now instead and get in some cardio. I really do not want to do that either. I just want to sit around and do nothing. I think I am getting a tad bit depressed there. Well, as I said, school starts next week and there will be no time to do that. I will try to get my big butt going and go work out. Later. :frown:
BioTeacher

BioTeacher

3
 

My Trip to the most frustrating doctor's office ever!

Just returned from my appt. Here is exactly how it went: 1) I got there at 9:30 and my appt was at 9:30. Thought since I was off for summer, go early, less wait time. There were about 8 people there ahead of me. I knew I was in trouble. 2) At 10:00 I was called to the appt lady. She asked me if I was getting a fill, which I said I did not know. She made me an appt. for October 19th after school. 3) Nurses said all rooms were full, I waited couple minutes there. 4) VERY NICE nurse took me back, asked all questions, weighed me. I told her I had been on three vacations this month. 1/2 pd. gain not too bad. 5) She left maybe 10:10. I waited in the exam room with nothing to do until 11:10. Doctor comes in then. He asks me how restriction is, listens to my heart, asks me again if I had read Mindless Eating, that is it. TWO MINUTES! I timed it. I waited an hour and 40 minutes for a big two minutes of his time. No fill, no thought of a fill, no nothing. No help 6) He walks me out and tells lady I should come back in a month when I have not been on a vacation. She looks at me and says, that is not what we did is it, we put two months. I was not going to say a thing. Honestly, I was so upset, mad, frustrated, I just HAD to get the heck OUT of there or burst out yelling! (Aug3-Oct 19th--2 months??) He said that was OK would work too. She says we set it up that way because I was having a knee replacement surgery. I looked at her and said not the I know of. OH it must have been someone else...she says. and I leave.   Those are the facts. I came out of there so mad and frustrated I could have yelled at them. I came home yelling at my husband who incidentally stayed home today to do something with me when I spent most of my day sitting there for a two minute appt. I cried for awhile too. Guess what I REALLY wanted to do?? EAT!! Why would I want to do that now?? I believe I can finally say I am going to start looking for a new doctor. I just do not see the care for patients at all. And as some of you know, this is NOT my first frustrating appt. there. This is just another one of many. If any of you know of any other good docs out there in the Indianapolis area please let me know. I HOPE for all you that your journey is going much better than mine. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. This is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. It is a 30 year struggle. I need better help and care than this.   Thanks for listening bloggie. By the way--I KNOW this is Negative Nellie. I GOTTA get this out somehow to keep from eating everything in sight! UGH. :biggrin:
BioTeacher

BioTeacher

4
 

Good Days!

I am reading the book Mindless Eating. Very interesting stuff about why and how we eat. Am hoping to get a handle on why I cannot lose more weight and why I have been stopped so long. Seems like maybe it is pretty DEEP in there. I have been trying to listen to when I am hungry and stopping when I have had enough to fill full and meet my amounts. Have kept up my exercising for three week solid here. Weights three days each week for 30 min. and 45-60 minutes on treadmill. Then about 20 min outside walking the other days. That is a FINE accomplishment and I hope to be able to keep that up. I am trying trying to eat small amounts. That is all I can do! I seem to have lost all my peeps to talk to. I am afraid I am just too negative. I am really and truly not a negative person. I just got really worked up about all this and how I am just not losing. Well I have two more weeks before I have to go in so maybe I will be OK for awhile now! Rather than focus so much on this I think I need to just keep trying and NOT focus so much on it. I am doing my best, it just ain't working well. So on we go. So sorry that I have had such a bad attitude that I scare off any Lap Band friends. They give up on me--and I sure do understand why. I really have to be quiet and just do my lap band thing and let them do theirs. And I will hope for all of you that you will have GREAT success! :thumbup: And then I will get what I can from listening and try to use to it help my crazy situation. Then maybe nice people who I have been talking to will talk to me about it again. As I said, my fault for being this way. Just hard to take when I need some one to talk to. I really need someone much farther out from surgery like me. Maybe they might understand the frustrations. "newbies" are just not there--and I sure hope they never experience the stoppage of loss like I have. Again I truly do. But it does hurt when they just stop communicating--but as I said, I did it to myself. So that is off my chest. Well I will keep trying my best--tracking food, exercising, water, watching my amounts, and on we go......
BioTeacher

BioTeacher

2
 

One year Down and two LONG ones to go!

Well i went in for my checkup. I have officially lost 35 lbs. this year. Do I want that back?? NO! But I lost all that by last November. I requested my doctor today and not the nurse pract. Sorry, but the guy is kind of goofy. Spent about 15 minutes going on about artificial sweetners. Now I seriously do not use much of that anymore so it is not an issue. I showed him a solid FIVE weeks of great exercise. I have lifted weights 3 times a week mostly upper body. I have hit the treadmill anywhere from 20 minutes to 45 to over an hour on many days! There were only TWO days where I did no formal exercise! I put it on a calendar for him to see! Then I used the Fit.com and put in my foods. So I had a week of foods for my dietician and then the old notebook I used before that. That Fit.com one is awesome! So easy to use, most foods are there, does a pie graph of carbs, fats, proteins. She really liked it! I guess I need more fruits and more veggies. When you are trying to not eat too much and then you eat your protein first, then the room in one cup of food for those is not there. But I will try. Guess what the doctor wants me to do, EAT MORE? What a hoot! I was trying to consume from 1100-1200 calories a day and all the exercising. They are wondering if I am putting myself in "starvation" mode so that my body is using the calories so efficiently I am not losing. So he did an analysis of how many calories I need a day at my ideal weight, and says to try to just cut out about 2-300 each day. I have read this idea is Mindless eating. Not so much you feel deprived but just enough to get some off. Anyway at that rate I should lose 1/2 lb a week and 30 lbs a year, then the next year 30 lbs. So in two years I should be at or near my goal. Well, it is true, I will still be here then. However, it is extremely hard to watch others lose at such a great rate and then here I am. But honestly if I could just lose steadily I can keep motivated! I looked at my Realize Band literature really close. It says 1-2 lbs a week. So I should have lost about 50 lbs. by now conservatively. Any way the doc wants me to consume about 1600 calories a day! To INCREASE my intake and see what happens. If in 3-4 weeks I am gaining, we will stop it, if it seems to be working then I need to eat more. OK, I will try that! Interesting. Also, as many have urged me, I asked him HOW he knows that the fluid in my band is still in there. He promised to draw it ALL out next time so we could check it and then he says he can put it back all at once. Interesting. Also I looked in the literature and then can put up to 9ml in a 9ml band. Sure enough he said he sure could. I now have 7ml and he said they would not necessarily stop. But no fill today. OK then. I asked how much (ml) the tube from the port to the band held. Even with a short length dang it, it hold a ml or two. He did not know that answer. Said the diameter of the tube was real small. Still there is some saline in it too! I looked and that as many as 10% of the people tested with the bands had leaks, holes, or the tube came off. So it should be checked. Just for my benefit as well! Doc also said he checked my barium swallow from March and it looked fine but it sure showed plenty of stuff is going through there pretty easily! I saw it! The book with the band clearly says that the patient should NOT BE ABLE to eat very large quantities of food and should therefore lose weight. It is right there in black and white! And they tell me I am the one who must do all the stopping and the band doesn't do much. Interesting. So I will start looking at 1600 calories. I will try to come up with a workout plan that I CAN continue when school starts. A "mini" routine maybe. Let's see how this goes now.....:confused3:
BioTeacher

BioTeacher

2
 

Been a long time!

Wow I have not been on here since August. I wish I could say I was a lot thinner. I am not. I did get a new doc and had my band adjusted. I found I had about 2ml less that was thought. Then I had a lot put in and it is now pretty tight. I still turn to bad foods when stressed. I have so little time for myself. I guess I should be happy that I have lost 35 lbs. and kept it off for over a year. It is just that I have about 60 more I need to lose and it is just not happening. I wish I could figure it out. My band is tight now. Sometimes things get stuck when I first start eating and I have to go to the restroom and unclog it. Then I am fine. No way do I need more in. So I cannot blame that. I do quit eating, I don't eat much. Sometimes I do turn to bad stuff but not excessively. I just have to eat so close to nothing....sometimes stringy meat gets stuck. So as I am trying to eat my meat first I cannot. I hurt my ankle in October and that really slowed me down, now it was better and I rolled it walking the dog just yesterday so Here I go again with less activity. I know I should write down what I eat or log it somewhere but I just HATE it. I cannot get myself to do it. Maybe just every other day?? try it. UGH UGH If I had lost even 3-5 lbs a month I would be so good now. Even from Sept when the adjustment was made. I have lost nothing. Thought I had some thing going lost 9 then gained 6 back. I am so swamped with school I have no time for myself and I do not know what the answer to that is. Have searched and searched. Well gotta go to bed. I forgot how cathartic it is to blog here. :confused:
BioTeacher

BioTeacher

1
 

Angry at the Band or the Doctor??

:mad2:   I went in yesterday. I am at 9 mos. postop now. Had a gain of 3 lbs. So again I have lost about 40 lbs. give or take. But NOTHING since November. I tried very hard to go in there very calmly and low key. The nurse AGAIN said she thought I had stretched my esophagus from repeatedly eating too much and the band was too restricted! What a JOKE! I have SELDOM if ever felt any restriction from this dumb band. They just do not believe me. She sent me for a barium swallow test to see. I went this morning. All looked FINE to me. And I felt that the band did not look like it restricted my stomach AT all. But I know the fill part is on the inside and cannot see it. But the top did not look restricted either. Anyway I then was sent to the dietician AGAIN. I lost it in there. She asked me if I was ANGRY and felt I had been CHEATED and I said YES!!!!! I was told I would feel SOMETHING that would give me a signal to quit eating when that upper part of my stomach was full. I have felt very very little if anything EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!! Where is the restriction they promised in their pre-surgery HYPE!????! What a bunch of liars! I think they are getting the $$$$ and do not care about what I SAY I feel or do not feel. I have no control whatsoever about what is being done to me or NOT done to me. Why did I even get this stupid thing!?? IF I lose any weight it will NOT be because of the band. And I will be lucky if I can because I sure could not before so why could I now!? Right now I do not care WHAT they do--put some in, take it out, whatever!! I don't have any say in it so who gives a care!! I am just frustrated and upset about his beyond belief. I thought that this would just give me that little help I needed and I have gotten almost NOTHING as far as help with eating with this thing. So no more fills I guess, here I go on my own. My eyes are tearing up just thinking about this. what a waste of time. I cannot read about others who are successful because I hear that their doctors give them fills when they need it and listen to what they are struggling with. Great. I get the doctor's office that just does not care. That is it for today. yuck. :cursing::thumbdown:
BioTeacher

BioTeacher

11
 

Still Trying to get this thing fixed!

I heard that another patient at my doc's office was allowed to switch to someone else for fills. I took a step to see if that could be done for me. I have an appt. in October and I am GLAD that I do not have to go in there until then!! I do not want to see them, or wait almost two hours and feel I am just not getting what I should from my band. I just am ready to throw in the towel and the whole thing and say that this is it. I am not gonna lose anymore. This lap band is not what they made it out to be. I am not full, I seldom feel anything and certainly nothing that helps me stop eating and lose. According to them NOW, I am supposed to just stop. I do not eat large quantities but nothing much stops me. I am sure they think I sit and eat ice cream and loads of food all day. They just are not helping me. Anyway, let's see what happens now.... I am not that optimistic that they will let me switch. I have no control over fills, why should I get to control this at all. After all, it is my insurance and my money they are getting. I have to reschedule my appt. because of a conflict anyway and will happy to put it off til November! I can see the writing on the wall. I guess this is just another little thread of hope that somehow, someway I can get this journey going again. I am running out of options and motivation to even try. I hope someone there will try to help.....hmmmm....:laugh:
BioTeacher

BioTeacher

2
 

Is this IT? And so the Merry-go-round begins again!

I got back on track today. Ate out at both lunch and dinner but did good and ate good snacks. Walked after dinner too. I wanted to go do my weights after a week off due to vacations but just did not feel the motivation! What GOOD did it do? I tried for 8 weeks and I am still as fat or fatter than I was then. So WHY do it? I will try to go tomorrow or even Sunday. For sure on Monday anyway. Then school is starting and I am not feeling very confident that I can keep it up at all. No time for me! :mad:I am just about to start eating a shake in the morning, then tuna and green beans for the other two meals of the day with maybe some yogurt for snacks. This sounds dull to me but surely I can lose just eating that. I will probably gag up the tuna but I am just about to give up here! I gotta get this going, I just gotta!!!!!! I am desperate to get the scale moving again! I just returned from almost two weeks on vacation and did OK but not so well. Too much fat in the things I ate. The pictures of me were absolutely AWFUL. They make me sick to see them. I just feel like I have made no progress here. For the past 8 Weeks I have worked out with weights 2-3 times a week and done 30-50 minutes of fast walking almost EVERY DAY! And I am no better off right now than I was 8 weeks ago when school started! I have lost nothing and maybe gained. I am afraid to get on the scale and come this Monday morning I will be getting on there at the doc's office. And then get yelled at. At least I know WHAT I did wrong this time. WHY I cannot get this loss going again I just cannot figure it out. I have invested in some Weight Watchers chocolate fudge bars. They are so good, one point, and even my family loves them. Try them if you have not--they are truly good fudgies. Just get the plain chocolate fudge ones for a treat. I can hardly keep up with the number of papers and planning that I had--I never got more than 6 hours of sleep and had trouble exercising much less eating right. I just ate and was so tired. I was just beat after fixing dinner, cleaning it up, grading papers, then bed at about midnight and up at 6am. By Friday I was DEAD! Now it is going to be WORSE!!! Every year I hope to stop it but once the merry-go -round starts I am lucky to hang on. And MY health and what I need will not get done. Much less to even LOSE any weight. ha ha....I am so fearful. I do not weigh enough for any other kind of surgery but I sure weigh enough to look and feel BAD and FAT. I may have to face that this is IT! It makes me so sad. I know I would have more energy and feel better too if I could get more off. But I was unable to make a DENT in it this summer with all the charting and exercising. I cannot do it when school starts. Not sure what to do. The weight just stays right on my front belly. I KNOW I need to put myself up there at the top of the list but you have NO idea how that just does not happen. So much planning with so many kids now. Parents. I have an extracurricular that takes lots of time. Then I have to cook meals for the family, clean up, then if I do not do papers every day then all day Sunday is taken. It takes all my energy just to keep up with my job. I have examined and examined what to do and nothing is jumping out at me. I just feel overwhelmed and it has not even started yet. Can someone just make meals an send them to me ??:thumbup: Am feeling stressed and it has not even started yet. I am feeling real anxiety over the fact that I will not take care of myself. Yikes. Help, help, help. :biggrin:
BioTeacher

BioTeacher

4
 

Made it through the week!

Well we got school started. So many, many kids. 30+ in every class. My room is full of kids. But they seem like good kids so far so that is encouraging. As I thought I was exhausted. Did not leave there til 5pm so I worked 10 hour days. Then an hour at night. I did not do my weights til today. But I did them today. I think I can do them a couple times this week we will see. Went a a support group monthly meeting. We watched a video about fat people and how they are treated. Then we had little breakout talks. All four other people with me had had a roux-en-y. And they were all doing great. Losing weight like crazy. A couple were only a few weeks out. My little 35 pounds in 13 months did not sound too hot. I told them be glad they had that surgery. Not really sure if the support group is good for me or not. I just try to be quiet and take it all in. However, afterwards we met in our little Yahoo group and that part was good. Even though I vented really hard on there and thought I shouldn't have they were really supportive and said to go ahead and we should be able to say whatever we want because it is OUR group! The dietician though very nice--it is not her group to run and we were not sure why she is now trying to run it. Anyway. My eating was erratic. AT times good then I would be really tired at the end of the day and eat a little candy! Good grief. I have not been eating that stuff. So I went to the store and got some fat free double chocolate pudding. I figure I can eat two of those or even three if I am feeling a real chocolate need and that would be better than candy for gosh sakes! Using a shake in the morning. Also eating yogurt at about 1030 then lunch tuna if time. Anyway. I feel good after getting some sleep. Still only getting about 6-7 hours. Once I get the 8 on Saturday I am much better. If I am tired I eat, it is just something in there. And I want creamy and chocolate. Is that weird or what?? I would have to go to bed at 10 or earlier and I just cannot get that done. Well let's see how this goes. My angel goes back to college Wednesday and I am taking off to take her up there. Will be alot better this year than last. Man that was AWFUL last year! She has so many friends, a nice living room, and things are going her way. But now that her BF dumped her I know she won't be home much. She is my girl and I am gonna miss her lots. She will have her car too. Well, she is doing so well she deserves it but I will miss her after being together all summer. But she's gotta fly. So now I will just go do some crosswords. Laundry and ironing done, schoolwork tomorrow....ugh. I hope hope hope I get going on the losing. Still have not solved my doctor problem. I just don't know how to find another one. I have seen no reviews and heard nothing from anyone around here. Then you have your insurance fun....I don't go until October and I am liking that actually. That is bad. Well, more on that when it gets close. I am just putting it off I know. Later gater. :thumbup:
BioTeacher

BioTeacher

1
 

Can't Seem to Stop Gaiining!

I have been exercising a lot, watching the eating pretty well, etc. etc. I feel pretty good but the old fat right here on my front part is just not getting any smaller. In fact I get up to the highest weight since surgery last year. What the freakin' heck?? I feel like I am on a roller coaster that I cannot get off of. Right now I just want the gaining to stop! I am obviously eating/doing something very very wrong. The only think I can think is that I need to go back on my post surgery diet. Protein shakes and only eating 2-3 oz of anything. Problem is I am not at all sure I CAN do that again. I wrote down I was soooooo hungry and my stomach just hurt. I just do not know if I can force myself to do it. It really is almost impossible to have a somewhat normal life too. Eating out is awful. I remember we did not eat out at all. Now, is that bad? No but even though we don't eat out much there are times when we do and I do pretty well at those places. At least I thought so??? right now I am looking at a gain of 10 TEN pounds of my 40 I lost back. And it just keeps creeping UP! I must have some serious problems in my head I need to get straightened out. I will try to do some shakes and eat as little as possible. See if I can at least get this stopped!! YIKES!!!!!! :cool:
BioTeacher

BioTeacher

3
 

Really working out! Just not seeing the scale move!

So I went today and did 30 minutes of weights and 45 minutes on the treadmill at about 3mph. I just finished another 20 minutes of fast walk with my dog. I have really eaten LESS this week since I went to the doc. All my family has seen it too. But alas, I am not really thinner than I was last week on the scale this morning. I have been eating salad with grilled chicken, tonite I made some good beef veggie soup and only had one cup. I am trying to eat very very slowly and chew a lot. I still caught myself launching into my salad today and felt that little hurt so I slowed way down to eat it. I feel like I am really eating good things, drinking lots of water and upped the exercise. So maybe it will pay off soon! :tongue2: Come ON now! Saw my sister in law who had a roux en y at Christmas and she has lost 82 lbs! Man if I had lost even close to that I would feel I was really getting somewhere. I am just sooooo stuck. Am trying to do all the things I have been advised to do. I am doing a diary, eating lots of protein first, no no bread. No caffeine, etc. So I guess I am just going to wait and hopefully this big THUD will take place the weight will start to come OFF!! :sad: I sure hope it starts soon..... I will try some more cardio tomorrow but hold on the weights til Wed. I did see a friend at lunch today who had not seen me in over a year, first thing she said was---You have lost weight!!! wow. Someone who does not see me every day did notice! I have lost like 35 lbs. but that is in almost a year of this.....gotta, gotta, gotta get going again. Am going to the support group Thursday night. First time since around surgery. Supposed to be some fellow "strugglers" there so we will see. Hey, I need to be able to say I have tried everything!! I do not think they will put any more in my band. I thought I would get it at 7ml in a 9ml band and I sort of do, I think I just need a TAD more! Another 1/2 ml. But I do not think I will get any.....Oh well. All I can do is prove that I am doing as much as I can. Later. Anyone with any more advice about what to do get this fat body jump started again. Let me know. I am upping the protein as high as I can!!! Come on now=--------------WORK please! :crying:
BioTeacher

BioTeacher

4
 

Still feeling low.

:thumbup: Well I am now out of school for the year! That is a good feeling! I NEED the rest and time to regroup :w00t: My daughter and I are joining the community center and will be lifting some weights and I intend to do a lot more exercise. Right now I still feel kind of tired. Even though I was off yesterday I am tired. School just wears me out. I read an article this week on the Spark that was about how working overtime makes you fat. Studies done, etc.that show it. Well, well what surprise that is! But there is nothing I can do about that! I have tried to evaluate how to make it easier and it just does not happen. Also does not leave me with lots of time to work out, etc. I am exhausted at the end of every day. Can barely get home, make a meal, clean it up, walk about 25 min, grade some stuff then go to bed at midnight. Weekends I catch up. Heavens if I have to get up early on a weekend. We go to church Sat night which I hate but is good for the catching up on sleep. Some Sundays I grade papers ALL DAY LONG. Oh well, BREAK time is here! Yeah! :biggrin: OK now the weight thing. I am going in Monday for my 11months. I think I have gained a couple more pounds. So I have lost maybe 35 lbs total. Have not lost a THING since November. I have to go to an open house for a family member and I have a sister in law who had a roux-en-y right before Christmas--she had lost 70 lbs. Who knows now? It is going to be HARD to look at her and not be upset. This is just not going the way I thought it would. By the time school was out I thought I would be maybe 20 lbs from goal. Well I am nowhere near that and not losing. I am struggling to not gain.... I need to lose about 65 lbs. and it is just not happening. Gosh I would like to lose 5 lbs a month?? I would get there eventually. So tired of this. I read the answer to my blog and have started just this week to eat very high protein with little or no carbs. However, I have fallen down at the end of the day a couple of times this week and had some fruit. It has been hard. Interesting that when I do this I feel really tired no matter what time of day it is and need to shut my eyes and sleep! My head starts to hurt and eyes hurt. Hmmmm.... The two days I ate so much protein I felt invigorated and good. Just ran into trouble on the other two. I did a BIG protein shake this morning adding 26g whey to 2c milk (16g) and the low sugar inst breakfast (5g). That is a whopper 47g for breakfast. I intend on having meat if I have anything else before dinner. There are some carbs there but am trying to do what was suggested to me. I think I will be able to now especially with school out. What I need to see if some RESULTS! If I start losing and I feel a lot better I will be motivated to go on. However, this is just like Atkins diet. I went on that once. Lost 13 lbs first month then like 5 then it stopped. As usual for me. But with the band, maybe this is different. So I go in Monday to weigh (great??) and probably get yelled at again. I have no idea if I will get a fill or not. I am not going to base my life and my outlook on that darn fill and it making a difference. I have done that every month since I started this mess and it has been a severe letdown every single time. What a rollercoaster ride this is! I also am NOT going to let the negativity from those in charge at my doc's office get me down. I will NOT let them do that to me. I am trying as hard as I can. I exercise DAILY with a fast walk at 20-30 minutes, I am drinking more water than ever, I gave up any caffeine, carbonated drinks, bread when eating out(I have NONE!! when I used to limit myself anyway!), and am writing down most of the time too. What else is there to do??????? I SELDOM feel any what I would call restriction. I have just about given up on hoping the the band is going to help me to restrict and stop eating at a very small amount. I do not eat much anyway but I guess it is too much..... I have a friend online who was struggling too. She just got a fill, said she now gets stopped and almost throws up at each meal. Has lost 7 lbs this month! How great! Where oh where is that for me! I told her she would get the throwing up figured out and quit eating at the right point. That will stop. Again I have another friend who had a roux-en-y and she did that but eventually knows exactly how much to eat and has done well. She has less in her band than me. I am so happy for her but man this is HARD to take. I think I have 6 1/2 in my 9 band. How much does it take? How much will they put in? I fear that they will say--hey that is it, we aren't putting any more in, it isn't safe so now it is all up to you. And guess what? I am not getting it done....... I know my doctor is very conservative. They told me this. Which is good, they have had almost no complications with their bands. But gee this is just not doing much for me. I just do not get any help from it, very, very little. Very disappointing after 11months.... Also I am SICK SICK SICK of the way I look! I have this big fat shelf belly that is gradually growing back. UGH, UGH!! I wanted to just look better this summer. UGH. So disappointing. I think my body has been on a diet so so so long it just adjusts to whatever level I am at. All thyroids been checked, are OK, I am not diabetic, had that test. I just suck! Well this is long, it is nice to have time to get it all out. Please don't read this if you want encouragement because it ain't here. This is just a place to POUR it out. I am gearing up now to go in Monday and getting in my ZEN place so I do not get upset when they tell me I am a failure... I just keep repeating "zen, zen, zen....." I will keep trying to exercise, eat lots of protein, not drink diet coke which I still love and MISS after a YEAR of not having it. Like it is doing any good.   Maybe the next fill will work.....ha. Do you believe this? I still have that little hope in there that I will finally get this.....later.
BioTeacher

BioTeacher

3
 

Scared to go in tomorrow!

Well I have tried valiantly and still showed a nice GAIN when I got on the scale this morning! I have tried very hard this week to UP the protein! I am having a MEGA protein shake in the morning that has 42g in it. I have eaten snacks of meat, some 20g protein bars I bought(no more than one a day) and a few nuts here and there. This does not seem to be working either! Darn. What is going to? I am not happy to go in there tomorrow and have yet again gained. I will be put in the "bad" category, what am I eating too much,etc. etc. Believe me, I do not even eat BREAD! I have exercised an HOUR yesterday and my usual 30 min walk outside today. What a glorious day it was here too. Protein and food have been good. But I can still eat too much. I ate a big salad out yesterday and I realized I was able to eat the entire thing with no problem. It had lots of protein on it which is why I ate it and tried to eat all the meat especially. But I just should NOT be able to eat that much! Well I am on my 11 month checkup, and NO restriction. Hmmmm...... I just cannot get this gaining STOPPED! man o man. I have found a new friend to talk to though. She is not far along on her LB journey and is doing well. She is trying to help and I SURE do not want to bring her down! She does not need that. I will go back to a support group with her maybe. Gotta keep trying something. Well bloggie, please help me to be calm tomorrow. Please do not let me get too upset by my gaining. I know it has happened. I am really trying hard. I am going to try to get to my ZEN place again before I go in there. These appts. are just very traumatic! I want to go in there and be HAPPY because I have LOST! Oh well.....I will see how it goes. Am dreading it.... :biggrin:
BioTeacher

BioTeacher

2
 

Very nice people at support meeting!

:smile2:The support group post op meeting was good tonite. But I felt out of place because without a doubt everyone at the table of about 15 people were doing 100% better than me. I am so glad for them I really really am! So happy it is helping them!! being FAT I sure know how it feels to be better! wow. I just wanted to get the heck out of there and go have a good cry. Which is what I did went I finally left. And that is NOTHING about the people there, they were great! I again just felt like a complete failure at the darn weight thing. I got lots of great advice about talking to the office mgr. and doctor about what is wrong. They said I need to take someone in with me and be more proactive. Well maybe. I did do that one time and was so angry I couldn't see straight. The only thought I got was that it is all ME now. You know I HATE people who blame others for the things that happen to them. I would be an absolute HYPOCRITE I blame the office, doctor, etc for my lack of weight loss. I am not doing everything perfectly but I think I am doing pretty good. I have tried very, very hard these last two weeks to eat the right amount, upped the exercise, and thought boy--I will lose some for sure. And NOTHING. I weigh the same as I did ten days ago. Right now I don't want to eat anything. Feel like if I do I will not lose. Man oh man. They were right about one thing, I am just about to throw in the towel. I cannot keep this up if I don't see some results soon. Now I don't want to go back into the office because I am afraid of a huge confrontation. Guess I just don't want to blame them if it is me. I hate this. Why can't I just lose a little at a time. By a year out I should be down a lot more than I am. You guys want a plateau, try a 7 month one!:thumbup: Now that is a plateau!! I have upped the protein, exercise, water, writing down pretty good, no drinking, watching portions....come on!! I guess this is just so DEAR to my heart that it is hard to go into that office and not be successful. Oh well. :mad2:
BioTeacher

BioTeacher

3
 

One day back to "post-op" down!

Well I made it pretty well. did not get hungry until about 12:30PM. At that time I had some leftover meatloaf that I had made from 93/7 sirloin. I truly had about 1/2 cup to 3/4 c. That lasted about an hour and a half. Then I had a protein shake. I am using an instant breakfast (sugar free), 2 c. 1% milk and a BUNCH of ice cubes--I bet there are 25 of them. Then I blend it up. It makes a huge cup of stuff and about 1/2 of or more is crushed up ice. Takes me a while to eat/drink it! Then I did have about 10 almonds later. Then at dinner I had about 1 cup of some taco meat stuff with a little cheese on it. Then now about 10:30 with some hunger I had another shake. Now I am going to bed. That should be a pretty good day there. Also worked out with weights about 45 min, then 15 on treadmill. then tonite about 25 min more with dog walking. Got in some just plain water around some of that too. That is a pretty good day. Trying to just be really restrictive on what I eat and do at least a modified version of the post-op diet I used for awhile there. I really lost a lot then too. I was really only hungry this morning finally and a little bit tonite so all is well there. I hope this helps. I am looking at my ONE YEAR check up next week and am sure facing a gain of a couple lbs. more. Gee. Hope this will at least stop that! My daughter got jilted by a bf of over three years just on the phone just like that. It is amazing how hard it has been on her and on me. I am trying to listen and she has quit sobbing all the time. It makes me sad too that this kid was so mean to her. She has tried to figure out what happened, if there were signs she did not see. It just hurts me so much to see her in such pain. She is such a sweet person too and could not have cared about anyone more..... Say a few prayers that she heals up. Has said it was like someone just died all of a sudden but the bad difference is --He chose the "death" of just saying "I don't want to see you anymore!" Well wish me well on my continuation of the crazy diet as many and as much as I can..... :redface:
BioTeacher

BioTeacher

1
 

Back from the office! Same lecture!

I eat too much! Well isn't that a big surprise! I again got the lecture that I am expecting something that the band will not give me. I got the question of what I thought 'RESTRICTION' was. Here is what I think: at the LEAST a little "tug" that says--I am full and I cannot really eat any more. The lecture I got says that if I actually FEEL something then I am filled TOO FULL in my band! I should not feel pain, sick, pressure, nothing! I should just eat my one cup of food that is mostly protein, then stop and not be hungry. That is what the band is doing for me. Hmmmmm..... I still say that is NOT what I was told before I did this band thing. I thought I heard them say that I would feel full to the point where I could not eat and would not want to. I have heard so many people here say this. I feel NOTHING! Very seldom if EVER do I feel anything. I can eat a lot of food ---be it good stuff--- and keep right on going. Somehow, someway I have to put the stops to my eating. Well gee, if I could do that I would not have gotten the stupid band!! Anyway, I got to see the dietician AGAIN too. I think I know what to eat. I have seen so many dieticians, so many many times.... But I tried to put on my cooperative face and listened and will try to do. It just isn't helping. Also I now have 7ml in a 9ml Realize band. Who would have thought almost a YEAR later I would still be fooling around with this and not be having much success?? I was pretty much told that this is about IT. I will not get anymore in my band?? How do they know it isn't just leaking out into my abdomen? How do they know there is not a hole in the tube or something and it is just leaking out?? It could be. Sure would help me to know yes or no so I would think I am not CRAZY!!?? Who would have thought?? Oh Oh you people out there who think this banding is the beginning of just getting the weight off almost automatically, BEWARE! Here I am with not too much success. I read about these people and their "Bandiversaries" and how excited they are to get surgery and I fear for them. I was there. And now I am here. Well, I am hoping this is the FILL where I finally GET IT! Please, please let the restriction COME in some form to HELP ME!!!!!!! I guess that is it Bloggie. Nice to kind of GET IT OUT!! :w00t:
BioTeacher

BioTeacher

3
 

Feeling a little bit--but struggling still!

:biggrin: Well I felt a little something today when I was trying to eat a small salad and some grilled chicken on it. I really slowed down and took it easy then brought most of the food home. Tonite I ate sparingly. I bet one of my biggest problems is eating too fast. I gotta slow down and chew, chew, chew... I have exercised over an hour like three of the four days this week and am going tomorrow too. I sure hope something starts happening because I had a pretty high weight this morning. I also think I am on the verge of or am in menopause. Wonder how that is affecting my system. But still I am feeling very tired and saw some small effects today that indicate that I am not quite all the way into it. That sure might explain why I am so tired and maybe holding some weight with that? Always an excuse! I am just trying to keep busy and eat protein if I feel empty. Today has been a good day and I am hoping this little bit of feeling I had today is some restriction finally. All I need is a little bit of help here and I might make it.
BioTeacher

BioTeacher

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Terrible Vacation Pictures! UGH!

Just returned from being gone almost a week. I first was gone earlier in the month for four days on a trip with 3 sister in laws, mother in law, nieces. Did OK on that trip but that was the one where I threw up. Then a scant week or so later I went to visit relatives and stayed the weekend with them. Drove about 600 miles in three days. They never really had real meals, well we had two, I was afraid to ask for food so I ate my protein bars, pb crackers, etc. that I had brought with me. Some pretty strange eating. Then these last four days I went to Florida with my daughter and me only. On the beach. Well first of all the pictures. I hate, hate hate putting on a bathing suit anyway. I pretty much have refused to do it! Well I can sure see WHY. I look absolutely AWFUL in the pictures. Even those with clothes on! I just have this awful load of FAT right on my entire front portion. I have worked hard this summer on weights, walking and it sure looks like I have made absolutely no progress at all! UGH! It just looks so awful. I just cannot get this going again. Then I did not do really well on the eating on this last trip. Not that I had a lot or really bad just not good. I am sitting here now feeling terrible about how I look in those pictures and very full and FAT!. And then I get to go in MONDAY and weigh in for my appt. I am going to gain. I feel it coming. I think I will try really hard to get a handle on things and be very strict the next three days maybe even using a protein shake once a day. Right now I just feel like a huge pig and those pictures really showed it. I just want to look NORMAL! Not even thin, just a normal person who, when I look at a picture does not make me cringe! Ugh Ugh.... I will get back at the exercising tomorrow but I have got to find something to get this scale and my weight moving DOWN! I am so discouraged.... hmmmm.... Also I found out that we have such large class sizes. I will have more students than I have EVER had in my teaching career! I cannot hardly handle what I have had before. I am up at night doing papers, working all day on Sunday, just exhausted by the time I get any dinner done and cleaned up, then papers....how can I possibly do more than ever? I am more tired and slower as I have gotten older. YIKES! If I had some more weight off I would feel that more energy! But once this merry-go -round begins I will once again NOT take care of myself. I will be lucky to get my other stuff done. And then here I go again eating and not taking care....I see it coming a mile away. Much less making any progress toward losing MORE! I will have at least 30 in all classes and with six that means 180 students with papers to grade with good quality? hmmm. Plus I am teaching a high level class now that requires more even. One thing I NEED To do is to dump off my extracurricular assignment. It takes up way too much time. I guess I will see how it goes. But based on past years I think I know. NO sleep, won't eat right, exercise will dwindle to nothing, and there I will be fatter than ever. Scary and tiring to even think about. I know I am LUCKY to even have such a good job--many people don't but it is really getting to me. But when I was off this summer I tried really hard to get this weight going and look where I am. Right where I was. Still looking FAT and awful. Sorry if you are reading this and it is bringing you down. Just get off now! I need to vent but I do not know HOW to get going and get out of this mess! Help!!!!!
BioTeacher

BioTeacher

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