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About this blog

my journey to gorgeous 160lbs again!

Entries in this blog

 

4/14

WENT TO WILLO 4 MOS AFTER SURGERY!
luvlif

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241lbs 2/3

B:CRABMEAT SALD 80 CALS L:GRILLED CHICK FILET W CHEESE 210+5PC CHICK NUG 220CALS 430 +80=510
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11/25

"you are my lady,you're everything I need, you're all I'm looking for" that song is haunting me
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4/1 227 1/2!

:girl_hug: :clap2: :D 227.5! :D :clap2: ONWARD!:clap2: :D :clap2: I'M SOOO HAPPY! WENT TO GEISS YESTERDAY 238 ON HIS SCALE.247 ON HIS SCALE 2/14/06 OH WELL, I'M HAPPY HAD A SMALL ADJUSTMENT... AGAIN MEL COULDN'T GET TO IT,POWERS & KAREN CAME IN & IT TOOK POWERS A WHILE TO ACCESS IT TOO! I TOLD THEM TO JUST GIVE ME .01CC. WENT TO VICTORIA SECRETS & BOUGHT A NEW BEAUTIFUL BRA & IT FITS GREAT!   ONWARD! THE BEST IS YET TO COME! I WANT TO LIVE MORE ABUNDANTLY I'M WEARING ALL NEW CLOTHES... NEW SUITS, JACKETS, PANTS & SHIRTS! YIPEE! (& BRAS & UNDERWEAR TOO!) HAD MY HAIR COLORED BUT DARKER DON'T KNOW STILL IF I LIKE IT. MET JANE FRIED @ CHINESE BUFFET, SHE LOOKS GOOD...HAD HER NECK, ARMS & TUMMY TUCK $18K SHE DIDN'T RECOGNIZE ME @ FIRST! NEITHER DID MATT'S WIFE (FAI'S FRIEND)
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8/9 208.5!

another few days & my new pants will fit! visualizing myself at goal!
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4/17 NSV!

FIT IN SIZE16 OLD NAVY CAPRIS YESTERDAY & GAVE AWAY MY SIZE 22S TO GOODWILL.
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2/8 240!

SUPPORT GROUP MTG WAS GOOD...BANDSTERS GET JEALOUS TOO!
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1/24/06 244LBS GREAT RESTRICTION!

WALK IN A.M.21 MINS & 115 CALS WALKED LAST NIGHT I LIKE WALKING. B.FAST CRACKERS, CHEESE & 1 EGG...105 CALS HAD 1 C TEA LUNCH CHICKN BR- GRILLED, W 2 SLICE CHEESE, = 280 + 105= 385 DINNER: CHILLI = 220 +385 =605 + 6 CRACKERS & SALSA= 70 = 675 THE DAYS ARE GETTING LONGER DIDN'T GET DARK TIL 5.15 P.M.   I HAVE G-R-E-A-T RESTRICTION TO-DAY!!!YIPEE NO HUNGER PANGS WORE MY SIZE 20 STYLE & CO. PANTS FROM MACYS W NO PROBLEM...ZIPPED RIGHT UP!
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10/21 HURTFUL PEOPLE

I feel your pain hon and I am so sorry that your spirit is sore. You have all that any man could and should want, but humans are stupid creatures. Never knowing what they are looking for till it has passed them by. Within you is a light that shines thru the darkest days and somewhere there is a man who will see that light and know he has found something magical! I know that does not erase the pain you now feel, but I also know it is the truth. God made each of us in different strengths... for different reasons, some of us may never know why...but you have so much to offer the world I can not help but believe that your strength is a gift meant for wonderous things. Be strong hon, feel the pain if you must but believe in the light as well! No one as beautiful and caring as you can go un noticed for too long. Be proud of who you are and what you have done!   You are gorgeous. We all suffer from insecurity, even those size 4's do. People that talk about you behind your back are not worth a second thought. They are the flawed ones, not you.   Have you ever heard the saying "fake it till you make it"? I bet if you acted as though you had confidence and were proud of yourself, you would soon realize that it is you who is seeing you the way that you do and not others. Walk tall girl, you are very special, you just need to believe it and reflect it.     and remember that you are never alone, even though you may think it..... you are never alone! I am so sorry to know someone else - esp. someone as beautiful and special as you, NINA- feels this same way. I agree with those who say we need to learn to project confidence (and NOT the f*ck off/not-interested/available vibe) - not saying I know how to do that, just that we need to learn...   For you, a truly Phenomenal Woman, I dedicate this poem to inspire (hopefully us both):       PHENOMENAL WOMAN by Maya Angelou Pretty women wonder where my secret lies I'm not cute or built to suit a model's fashion size But when I start to tell them They think I'm telling lies. I say It's in the reach of my arms The span of my hips The stride of my steps The curl of my lips. I'm a woman Phenomenally Phenomenal woman That's me. I walk into a room Just as cool as you please And to a man The fellows stand or Fall down on their knees Then they swarm around me A hive of honey bees. I say It's the fire in my eyes And the flash of my teeth The swing of my waist And the joy in my feet. I'm a woman Phenomenally Phenomenal woman That's me. Men themselves have wondered What they see in me They try so much But they can't touch My inner mystery. When I try to show them They say they still can't see. I say It's in the arch of my back The sun of my smile The ride of my breasts The grace of my style. I'm a woman Phenomenally Phenomenal woman That's me. Now you understand Just why my head's not bowed I don't shout or jump about Or have to talk real loud When you see me passing It ought to make you proud. I say It's in the click of my heels The bend of my hair The palm of my hand The need for my care. 'Cause I'm a woman Phenomenally Phenomenal woman That's me.
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8/12 206.1

206.1LBS! ...4.5LBS IN A WEEK I LOVE MYBAND! CHICKEN CORN SOUP IS VERY HELPFUL TOO. I'M HOVERING AROUND 600CALS A DAY GOAL 4LBS SHED A WEEK, 16 IN 4 WEEKS: 202LBS BY SAT 8/19 198LBS BY SAT 8/26 194 BY SAT SEPT 2 GOAL 194 BY SEPT 2 178 BY SEPT 30 162 BY OCT 28 146 BY NOV 25 FAI'S B.DAY 140 BY DEC 9TH
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242 SUN 1/29/06

BFAST:1 EGG & 1 LITE HOT DOG 70+50= 120 SNACK 100 CH& CRKRS LUNCH 3/4 CHILLI & 1/2 POT=165+135 300=520 1/2 BAG GRAHAM 50=570 DINNER:INDIAN FOOD 650 =1220 MARIA CAME TO SEE ME COULDN'T BELIEVE HOW I LOOKED.
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11/3

CAME IN BY HIMSELF....LOOKED SAD....W MY CHECK
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HELLO SIZE 8!

Met Pete Spataro last night...he was hitting on me! Couldn't believe how good I looked. This morning I put on my grey & silver pinstriped pants SIZE 8.... they fit but theyr'e short. I DO LOOK HOT...MY GREY LEATHER VEST & BLACK STRETCH SHIRT FITS ME BEAUTIFULLY. My knee hurt last night & this a.m.... Geiss Said NO MOTRIN OR ANY ANTI INLFAMITORY. IT'S BAD FOR THE POUCH...IF I HAVE TO, TO TAKE MAALOX FIRST...I DECIDED I DONT WANT TO RISK HURTING MY POUCH...I'LL TAKE TYLENOL & GRIN & BEAR IT!
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6/7/06 213lbs

:clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: 213lbs!:clap2: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: goal 210 by 14th... my 6 month anniversary next Wednesday!
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11/27 I look hot!

my grey houndstooth (small) is very loose on me.... to-day I wore my grey suit...w lace blouse...v sexy .... I guess I changed a lot & it's normal for a man to be jealous & insecure when a woman he loves changes as dramatically as I did in 10 mos, especially when he has issues w insecurity like HE does. The need for constant reassurance has not changed...just worsened. The neediness is worsened too!:omg:
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new goal

"Unwritten"   I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned   Staring at the blank page before you Open up the dirty window Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find   Reaching for something in the distance So close you can almost taste it Release your inhibitions Feel the rain on your skin No one else can feel it for you Only you can let it in No one else, no one else Can speak the words on your lips Drench yourself in words unspoken Live your life with arms wide open Today is where your book begins The rest is still unwritten   I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way   Feel the rain on your skin No one else can feel it for you Only you can let it in No one else, no one else Can speak the words on your lips Drench yourself in words unspoken Live your life with arms wide open Today is where your book begins The rest is still unwritten   Staring at the blank page before you Open up the dirty window Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find Reaching for something in the distance So close you can almost taste it Release your INHIBITIONS   Feel the rain on your skin No one else can feel it for you Only you can let it in No one else, no one else Can speak the words on your lips treat yourself in words unspoken Live your life with arms wide open Today is where your book begins   Staring at the blank page before you Open up the dirty window Let the sun illuminate the words That you could not find   Reaching for something in the distance So close you can almost taste it Release your INHIBITIONS   Feel the rain on your skin No one else can feel it for you Only you can let it in No one else, no one else Can speak the words on your lips treat yourself in words unspoken Live your life with arms wide open Today is where your book begins   Feel the rain on your skin No one else can feel it for you Only you can let it in No one else, no one else Can speak the words on your lips treat yourself in words unspoken Live your life with arms wide open Today is where your book begins The rest is still unwritten The rest is still unwritten
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Being fat is lonely.

Being fat is lonely. It wasn't enough to be publically tormented and laughed at throughout school, but the effects later on are painful. As a kid I was not hurt badly, but enough to add emotional scars. I was always the fat girl friend, the one anyone can talk with and hang out with, but never get close to. My friends never called me fat, but those backhanded comments like, "you'd be so pretty if you were skinny (or not so fat... yeah I got that one)". The laughter when sitting down on chairs, that used to creak and moan under my weight... it just killed me. I hated myself, eversince elementary school. I begged my parents to send me to a fat camp when I was in 3rd grade... they finally did the summer before 5th grade. I cried many times after school, just due to people talking about me behind my back. What? Like I didn't know I was fat?   I'm now 133 pounds lighter... but I still feel like people are staring at me, judging me, laughing at me. The only place I feel comfortable is at the hospital and at the gym. Students are more accepting of me now that I'm skinnier, but I'm still the largest person by far. Going out with them, means me and several girls in size 4 hang out... while they get hit on and I'm lonely in the corner. Some of my friends went out (and to be honest, I have to get up at 5:30 am and I couldn't go)... but the thought of being isolated brought back all my self-loathing feelings. I would have gone, but I would have been uncomfortable... especially since they get all dolled up in cute clothes that look good on them and I'm in frumpy jeans/T-shirt that try to cover up my flaws.   It's lonely in the sense of dating. It just doesn't happen, either because I write F*ck Off on my forehead or that my body is that repulsive (or that I convy my self-loathing without words). The guys that I'm attracted to DO NOT like large girls... I know that based on their previous girlfriends. I would never change myself for another person, but it's a shame that a guy I like isn't attracted to me physically... which you need that in addition to the personality component.   Sorry for the sad post. I just feel isolated, still... even though I do "fit" in society better. My perception still gets in the way of my happiness...   I know others can relate, but I just had to vent or share or whatever.Alyssa, sweetheart I can relate. We all can. No one gets to be as big as we are and does not know how it feels to be tormented and hurt and rejected. People always say, "When you lose weight, you are just a smaller version of the person you are right now, so love yourselve for the person you are right now, big or small." Well, that is true and great advice, but how do you love yourself now, when you never loved yourself...ever???!!! This is how, you step away from yourself and approach this as if you were a friend of yours. Okay? So you are not Alyssa, you are a friend of Alyssa's. What are the things you love about Alyssa? Why is she your friend? What do you think is beautiful about? And so on... Sound corny? Beleive me, it works. I swear. It gets you to focus on something other than what YOU don't like about yourself and start to see what OTHERS do like about you. Now, regarding men, babe they have super sensitive radars to woman with low confidence. Some of them pray on that and are like preditors waiting for an easy mark. Others don't want to get involved because they don't want to hurt you. So, they stear clear. Let me say, some men are just plain intimidated by a tall, curvy Goddess. ( happens all the time to me...lol ) Nothing and I mean NOTHING, not perky big boobs, bootylisious beyonce booty, not legs for miles, is as sexy as a confident woman. So, don't beat yourself up. Take this time to learn yourself all over again. Learn to love yourself, care for yourself and respect yourself. If you do, he will too. If you don't, you will attract every doornob from here to East Jabip!!! Think about some therapy. It can (in a very short time) work miracles. Okay and my last thought....you are never alone. God loves you Alyssa and so do we. WE are here when ever you need. Just reach out....
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5/11 220

WALKED SAT 1.5MI WALKED SUN 3 MI @ SUNKEN MEADOW BOARDWALK WEIGHED 220LBS TODAY...MY CHELSEA CAMPBELL JACKETS FIT! NOW I HAVE MORE CLOTHES THAN I CAN IMAGINE!
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bette blackwell

Bette Blackwell when someone told her she could never have been fat. My first thought was, "Why on earth would anyone CLAIM to be that pretty unhappy, unhealthy, severely obese person if they weren't?" Then I realized that hey - when I look at some of the most recent photos, sometimes *I* don't recognize the "new me" as me.   I told the group that there I times when I FORGET that I'm not in the body of the person I was in almost 2 years ago. That I was standing in line waiting for a stall in the ladies' room last week, looked in the mirror and thought, "WHOA! That's ME!" That I honestly forget sometimes, when I'm not looking in the mirror, that the fat lady, on the outside, anyway, is gone. There's this still-strange-to-me skinny lady, with new-found cheekbones, collarbones and shoulder blades, and thin, almost dainty wrists, living here now.   It's not easy, though. The fat girl still lives here, and she fights with the skinny girl every day. She wants to eat when she's bored, tired, angry, lonely, sad, happy . . . hell, even horny sometimes. I've said it before and I'll say it again: this isn't easy. It's a constant battle between the two of them. Most days, skinny girl wins, but not always. Those moments of defeat are the moments when I find myself looking into my reflection in the water in the loo once again. The flesh may be weak, but the spirit is always unbroken, and I'll get back up and fight again.   Jeez. This is getting far too deep and philosophical for me. It's time for a long bubble bath and then, bedtime.
luvlif

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2/15 240 1ST PB! UGH!

1ST PB! 4X IN A MATTER OF AN HOUR! RESTRICTION IS HERE!:faint: NO MORE CHINESE BUFFET FOR ME...I MEAN IT I JUST CANNOT.   FROM GEISS' MESSAGE BOARD: SOME SUCCEED BECAUSE THEY ARE DESTINED TO MOST SUCCEED BECAUSE THEY ARE DETERMINED TO :eek:   THOSE WHO WANT TO SUCCEED WILL FIND A WAY THOSE WHO DON'T WILL FIND AN EXCUSE.   ONCE YOU DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT, YOU MAKE A COMMITMENT TO THAT DECISION I ATE 500 CALS IN THE WHOLE DAY   WALKED 40 MINS IN AM & 30 IN PM, 2 MILES TOTAL. BURNED 400 CALS. I WAS RESTRICTED!
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12/7 yay!

:clap2: I'm fitting into most of my old clothes that still have tags on them...that never fit...yesterday I was wearing my new, unworn silk Jones NY black blouse. Tomorrow I will wear my shiny snake print beige & black shirt that I bought 6 yrs ago! To day I'm wearing my purple tweed blazer that my old assistant Anmarie had given me for Christmas in 2000 :nervous I also weigh less than I have since 2002...to-day I weigh 187.1. Now my journey begins to where I haven't gone since 1989. Now I'm ready to begin that journey, & looking forward to it....the band makes it possible for me to shed more weight.
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