Feeling Betrayed!

[Sunshine08 0]

I had researched lap-band for a year and a half and had 2 consults before i decided to have the surgery. I knew early on that I wanted as few people as possible to know about it. Meaning, my husband, parents and maybe my sister. Well, my mother convinced me to tell my grandmother because she watches our son all the time, and she is going to want to know what is going on. I prefaced the conversation by telling her that she needed to promise to not tell anyone what I was about to tell her, she agreed, criticized my decision and so on. But she promised to not tell anyone. Well, now I am getting banded in 2 days, and I found out that my sister told her boyfriend and my grandmother told her friend. Both acted like it was no big deal, and didn't even tell me or ask how I felt. I am SO upset, and feel so betrayed. I wanted to go through this with as little stress as possible, and now I am going to feel so much pressure with all these eyes watching me. Has anyone gone through anything similar?

[parrot0927 0]

I went through something similar. I don't care if people know but I want me to be the one to tell them. I told my brother and his wife. I requested they not tell the rest of the family (my real dad and his family). Well, he told our cousin who I have not spoken to in 8 years! Well, that cousin called me out of the blue telling me that my brother told him about my surgery. Ugh.

Well, my brother sucks. He is a dork.

[coolcrystal 1]

No, but I'm starting to regret having written a public blog to about 120 of all of my friends and telling my entire family that I'm pursuing it. I've only had about 2 people confuse it with the bypass and lecture me, and then I got back in their face and told them what I'm really having done and then they shut up, but now I'm starting to worry that if I'm not successful with the band and only lose like 30 pounds because I dont' follow the rules, how stupid I will feel later on. So, I did write a blog letting people know I'm pursuing it, but I've decided NOT to let people know when I've actually had it done. If I feel that I'm doing well on it, and after I've lost maybe about 40 pounds then I'll let my friends and family know. I just don't want all the dumb questions and people constantly asking me if I've lost weight yet, etc. I plan to try really hard and follow the rules, but shit, I am a compulsive eater and I have heard of people messing up their band cuz of not following the rules. :faint:

As for your situation, do you see the people they tell on a regular basis? if so I can see the frustration of the betrayal, but if they are people you never see, or rarely see, I wouldn't bet too upset. Usually when you tell somebody something they will tell their spouse/better half.. its just something to expect no matter how much you tell them not to.

[Sunshine08 0]

That is the frustrating thing! I DO see these people all the time. I want to just have the surgery, recover and then start to lose weight. I don't want to feel bad if i don't lose a ton of weight at first, I dont want to feel like I have eyes on me, etc. And now, I do. Now people know, and if for some reason i don't lost alot at first or it comes to a halt later on down the road, not only will I feel bad about myself, but I will have to feel judgement from other people. I just cant believe that they would do this without even consulting me! I never mixed words when i said i didn't want people knowing. I was very clear. Now i just feel this added pressure and stress which I don't need before surgery. I am so upset.

[meghan1983 0]

I'm sorry that happened, it's uncomfortable feeling like all eyes are on you. A similar thing happened to me (I didn't want anyone to know) - my mom told acquaintances of hers who were also considering it. I don't know if your feelings will change, but for me before my surgery it was a huge deal that nobody knew, but now that I'm post-op, I don't really care as much. I don't want to continuously defend myself, but It doesn't bother me so much that people know, and I've even told other people. Hang in there, and hold your family accountable, they need to know how them telling people effects you and how you feel about it so they don't do it again.

Good luck

Meghan

[KTBUGG 14]

That is the frustrating thing! I DO see these people all the time. I want to just have the surgery, recover and then start to lose weight. I don't want to feel bad if i don't lose a ton of weight at first, I dont want to feel like I have eyes on me, etc. And now, I do. Now people know, and if for some reason i don't lost alot at first or it comes to a halt later on down the road, not only will I feel bad about myself, but I will have to feel judgement from other people. I just cant believe that they would do this without even consulting me! I never mixed words when i said i didn't want people knowing. I was very clear. Now i just feel this added pressure and stress which I don't need before surgery. I am so upset.

I am choosing not to tell anyone either. I did not want all that crap to deal with either. ok, so do they know when you are going to have the surgery?? You could just tell them that you changed your mind and decided just to use what you have learned in the process to try and lose the weight. The choice is yours to make. Do you want to worry/stress over what other people think now that they know ( even if you have not spoken in 8 years) Or do you want to just ignore them all and do what you need to do for yourself?? You are the important one here! Try not to worry about the future right now, today is here. Try not to count your weight loss before it happens (make sense??) take everything as it happens, one day at a time. one pound at a time. It will all work out.

* so sorry about the long post*

[jewelee 0]

I'm there too. My DH took it upon himself to tell his mother and some of his co-workers. His mother then took it upon herself to fill in the rest of the family. It's bad enough to be the ONLY one there who has EVER struggled with a weight problem, now I get another 20 members of the food police, and their collective disapproval. Gee thanks, hon.

And the co-worker he told ... well, he obviously did not give him the memo that it was supposed to be confidential because he keeps coming up to me in public, asking about it.

Obviously, I'm still pretty ticked at my husband over this. My plan was to tell him, the friend who was keeping my kids, and my parents, and not even to tell my parents until after the surgery. I had mentioned to one other friend that I was considering it and heard the top 75 reasons why this was a bad idea, so I decided not to tell anyone else.

[Sunshine08 0]

Exactly my point! As if this is not hard enough for us already! We are overweight, going through a major surgery, and getting ready to make huge changes in our lifestyles, etc. The last thing we need is judgement, and everybody and their mother thinking that they know what is best, and judging. I am so annoyed, and everyone is telling me to not let it get to me, but that is easier said than done!

[misspeesh95621 0]

See I am sorry but I totally disagree. However I do think that them telling after you asked them not to was inconsiderate.

I think that it is important to let people know. People hold us accountable. From all of my reading this can be very successful, if you follow directions. Why would you go into something thinking it was going to fail? I believe in this and I believe in me!

I am choosing to write a blog good bad and the ugly for people to read as they are thinking about it. It helps to know what people go through. It helps knowing that I may be an example for someone. I truly thank my examples I learned from.

Talking about it gives support and support is good! Good luck! Find the positives. Sounds to me like most of your stress is coming from trying to hide this...embrace it!

[adorkbl 156]

I can totally sympathize. I told very few people. Husband, sisters, mother and hubby's parents. I also decided to confide in my step mom because we are close. I told her that I was only telling select people. Told her WHY I was only telling select people.

Well I got a Christmas card from my step mom's mother, so I guess my Grandma by marriage. Anyway, I get a card saying my step mom told the family over Christmas about my venture to Colorado (where my surgeon is) and how they all had me in their prayers.

I was livid!

I did NOT want everyone knowing. Now I don't know whether to say something to her or not. At this point I feel like what the hell... might as well tell everyone, but I don't want to.

I don't see that side of the family much anymore since I moved across the country. It really upsets me though because I don't want to feel like I have to explain it to them when I do.

Ah well. It is the nature of the beast. If you tell one person you have to be prepared to tell them all.

[Sades 4]

I told all my family, including cousins, my boss and some workmates but I must say I did start to regret it, especially when some workmates told other workmates and I keep getting comments on being skinny (which I'm not yet) and questions about how I'm going. I know they are being nice but I feel like I'm being watched like a hawk. I told everyone when I went back to work that I was able to eat like a horse over xmas because I don't have a lot of restriction which means no weight loss... that's helped keep them at bay. One thing I've learnt about people is that no matter how much you say keep it to yourself, for some people that means tell one close friend... it's human nature. :rofl:

[lbenavides 0]

I totally understand how you feel. but you must remember you are doing this for yourself, NOT FOR NO ONE ELSE!

I haven't been approved yet for my lapband. But I am hoping everything goes well for me and I can get it by March. I only told a My mother,father and husband and of course kids. the only ones that didn't have anything negative to say were my kids. Go figure. My oldest told me if it is going to make you feel healthy and better about yourself that he is behind me 100%.

I should've just told them and kept the rest of of the pic. LOL

Anyway I wish you the best.

[Chrisann 0]

I have to disagree, its not like I am a walking billboard about the surgery, but everyone is not blind. They all saw how fat I was getting and everyone had their diet suggestions. Even my overweight Dad had some for me.

Then I had some complications due to the surgery, and everyone has been great. I think if people didn't know, then I would have spent half the day explaining what I did.

I find it much better feeling the support I am getting for doing this; how people couldn't believe that I stuck to the liquid pre surgery; how I am sticking to the liquids now after surgery. Its such a good feeling. No one is being judgmental.

[Lap_dancer 8]

Shout out to L.A. Dr. K is AWESOME. Say hello to Natalie for me and give Marilyn and Mary a hug! Best to you at Crowne.

.........................................

Sunshine..to answer your question has anyone had that experience YES! ME!

I specifically did not want anyone to know. I told the three women I work with because I would be going to Colorado and out of work for about two weeks. They were not the problem MY FAMILY WAS.

I told my step father with instructions not to tell my mother because my mother quite honestly cannot keep a secret. He did not keep his word but told her. Of course she told my sister who told my nieces who told...and so I learned then that from this moment on, no matter how much I lost, and trust me Sunshine..that question will be asked over and over...my response is, " I know, I'm feeling so great but I don't weigh myself" which is partly the truth. Bottom line is it is your business. I think most all of us have issues with being judged by appearance and already have a leg up on privacy. It just feels invasive to have people ASK about this sensative issue.

So that is how I handle it and my pat answer to how much I have lost is..." I know I feel great right? But I don't really weigh myself so I'm not sure". At that moment it is more than likely the truth. Because we are losing weight, if we do not weigh ourselves daily, we do not know!

Patty

[kbinaz 0]

Hi,

I agree with misspeesh, and it is helpful to tell people. (although to tell when you asked them not to was pretty rotten and they need a stern talking to!) It is really hard to go through this process and it is even harder if you can't talk to people about it. The key, I think, is educating people. Tell them exactly what is going on - especially stressing that this is NOT gastric bypass and you will NOT be losing 30 pounds a month!!! I have a blog, too,which I send to people who I want to know what I am going through. 100% of them have been supportive - they may be confused, but they are supportive, especially once I explain stuff. So now that the cat is out of the bag, just go with it and explain, explain, explain. Then do the best you can and show them all how this is going to change your life.

Oh, the other reason it is easier to tell people is that you are going to be following some pretty specific eating rules and it is easier to follow them if the people around you know what those rule are and why. (ie-not eating with meals)