Hey,

I'm about 6 months out from my sleeve. I've lost about 90lbs from my surgery date. I have been working out and eating my best. However, my life has changed dramatically in the last 2 months. So it was already difficult to find time to workout. I felt like my weight-loss goals were starting to be pushed back for other obligations such as my new job, my kiddos sports schedules, summer break, and such. So finding the motivation at 5am or at 10pm to workout was tough but I was doing it. Then about 2 weeks ago, my husband and I got into an argument. He confesses that he isn't attracted to me and never was. He said he loves me for other reasons and he was emotionally invested before we met in person. We've been together since 2007. I know I should be working out and losing weight for myself and my kids but I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. All my motivation is gone. Why workout if the man you'll be with forever isn't satisfied either way? I feel heartbroken and betrayed. Am I being too dramatic or shallow?

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Too dramatic and shallow? HECK NO!

You are physically just now recovering from major surgery, and all its psychological complications, just to be dealt a punch in the gut from your husband. I can’t even imagine what I’d feel if my spouse said something like this but I’m sure I would have a similar reaction.

It’s going to be really hard to do this for yourself when, in your heart, you were also considering your husband’s input. But you have to try to put yourself into the picture. Your health, your body, your mind….YOURS.

At the same time, you need to work this out with your hubs. Maybe some counseling to reconcile and understand the differences in both of your feelings. This may be a sort of a reset on your relationship. Once you come to grips on that reset it will help you to focus on to yourself a bit more.

You also need to give yourself a break and maybe take a short breather while you mentally sort all of this out. Take it one step at a time and do the best you can as you work through the issues.

I wish you all the best, and will say a prayer for you and your husband.

Hello BlessedMomma, You have had everything fall on you at once and its overwhelming. As we say here ' you have been sh*t on from a great height' You are not being dramatic or shallow. TBH, your husband is a very cruel liar and for what ever the reason he has said, he has used you.

Did you loose weight for him? your children ? or just you? Please say you did this for yourself. Try and eat well and be strong in front of your children. Missing working out for a while is ok if you can eat fairly well. Reach out to family and friends and ask if they can help. You need a shoulder to cry on at the moment. It can be me. Massive hugs

Hello BlessedMomma, You have had everything fall on you at once and its overwhelming. As we say here ' you have been sh*t on from a great height' You are not being dramatic or shallow. TBH, your husband is a very cruel liar and for what ever the reason he has said, he has used you.
Did you loose weight for him? your children ? or just you? Please say you did this for yourself. Try and eat well and be strong in front of your children. Missing working out for a while is ok if you can eat fairly well. Reach out to family and friends and ask if they can help. You need a shoulder to cry on at the moment. It can be me. Massive hugs

I had thought I did this for me, my kids, and my husband. However, this hurt more than I would like to admit so I think I was doing it more for him than I originally thought. I knew I was off track with my exercise and snacking but didn't realize it started shortly after the argument until yesterday. I mentioned how much it hurt, my loss of motivation, and being off track to him. He said I can't put that on him and he is still working out even though we have marriage issues and other stress. I guess he's right though... I am responsible for my own actions. I just don't think he understands how I feel and to know I'm married to someone who will never make me feel beautiful or confident. I want the compliments and for him to be proud that Im his wife. He is a handsome man and has never dealt with issues like that. I have all these people around me telling me how great I look and all my hardwork is paying off except for the one person that I need to hear it from. He has told me I've lost a lot and look better. But I guess it's still not satisfactory.

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When we loose this weight as females our hormones go haywire. Even old me has nausea around food and I can tear up at any slightest thing, just like a pregnant woman. This is also something you will need to factor in because this could make you extra emotional.

I do agree with your husband, you are sabotaging yourself if you are eating wrongly. I also know you are in a bad place and are grabbing comfort where you can. Try and give yourself a set time to mourn your marriage and try to eat as best you can. You may never get what you need from this man, will this be enough? only you know this. I have a man who doesn't tell me he loves me [ except when I am thousands of miles away on holiday alone ] He loved me fat and now he loves me thin, my intuition tells me this. In the 50+ years I have been with him he has never complimented me on my appearance. [ or said a negative] Its enough for me, it took me years to grow that skin though .

Whatever you do from now on forwards, make sure its for yourself and your children.

So sorry to hear that you are with a piece of ****. “Never attracted.” “Emotionally invested”? What the heck. I hope you can look in the mirror and be proud of what you are doing and how far you have come. I hope you can find the strength to know you deserve to be loved and supported the way YOU need. I hope your children can look at you and say damn, my momma is so strong she don’t take **** from anyone. You deserve to be respected and if you have to ask for that then maybe it’s not the right relationship.

???

I'm so sorry you're going through this, anytime, but it's hitting you harder right now!
First off, I really think you need to talk to a bariatric psychologist because they are neutral. They can help you work through some of these feelings without any judgement.
This is just my opinion, but, I think your husband is already feeling threatened by your weight loss. He's trying to make sure he can keep control of you by complimenting you and then turning around and saying hurtful things to you! No one deserves to be treated like that!
Please talk to someone, you are worth way more than what he's giving you. If you're not happy, your family is going to feel it too. You need to be strong and not let anyone take the joy out of your life!

I'm so sorry you're going through this, anytime, but it's hitting you harder right now!
First off, I really think you need to talk to a bariatric psychologist because they are neutral. They can help you work through some of these feelings without any judgement.
This is just my opinion, but, I think your husband is already feeling threatened by your weight loss. He's trying to make sure he can keep control of you by complimenting you and then turning around and saying hurtful things to you! No one deserves to be treated like that!
Please talk to someone, you are worth way more than what he's giving you. If you're not happy, your family is going to feel it too. You need to be strong and not let anyone take the joy out of your life!

I see a bairatric psychologist. I see her again in a few weeks but have missed my last few appointments because of my new job. She has already recommended marriage counseling but that's easier said than done. Cost and finding one close to my small town that accepts my insurance is very difficult. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place in terms of my marriage. We have 4 kids so that makes things tougher.

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So sorry to hear that you are with a piece of ****. “Never attracted.” “Emotionally invested”? What the heck. I hope you can look in the mirror and be proud of what you are doing and how far you have come. I hope you can find the strength to know you deserve to be loved and supported the way YOU need. I hope your children can look at you and say damn, my momma is so strong she don’t take **** from anyone. You deserve to be respected and if you have to ask for that then maybe it’s not the right relationship.
[emoji177][emoji175][emoji177]

Thank you. I'm trying...

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9 hours ago, BlessedMomma91 said:

He said he loves me for other reasons

He said he loves you. That is something to work on. Find out what those reasons are. Love is more than just physical attraction because at some point we all will lose it. What then?

Just another view.... but if you find you need more, nothing wrong with that either. Best you can do is not give up on yourself. Not for anyone. {{hugs}}

you mentioned that he said what he said after an argument. dunno what the argument was about, and it probably doesn't matter, but its pretty typical for one partner to say something hurtful to the other during an argument. not saying its okay by any means, but i would lean towards getting some marriage counselling stat, IF you want to make honest efforts to mend the relationship.

if money is an issue, look into community offerings, maybe even a good book that you BOTH read and practice...the caveat being you BOTH have to go into it with mending in mind.

Barring that, individual counselling just for you would probably be really helpful (kudos for already seeing a bariatic therapist!).

Its hard to navigate life when validation of self is sought or dependent from/on others...one will never be satisfied.

You and you alone is the only requirement to say you are excellent. Know and believe you are and u will be.

Good Luck! ❤️

He said he loves you. That is something to work on. Find out what those reasons are. Love is more than just physical attraction because at some point we all will lose it. What then?
Just another view.... but if you find you need more, nothing wrong with that either. Best you can do is not give up on yourself. Not for anyone. {{hugs}}

I agree but that hurt seems to be turning into anger and little resentment. So counseling is a must but I don't know either.

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you mentioned that he said what he said after an argument. dunno what the argument was about, and it probably doesn't matter, but its pretty typical for one partner to say something hurtful to the other during an argument. not saying its okay by any means, but i would lean towards getting some marriage counselling stat, IF you want to make honest efforts to mend the relationship.
if money is an issue, look into community offerings, maybe even a good book that you BOTH read and practice...the caveat being you BOTH have to go into it with mending in mind.
Barring that, individual counselling just for you would probably be really helpful (kudos for already seeing a bariatic therapist!).
Its hard to navigate life when validation of self is sought or dependent from/on others...one will never be satisfied.
You and you alone is the only requirement to say you are excellent. Know and believe you are and u will be.
Good Luck! [emoji3590]

We've even talked about what he said later on and he is still sticking to his story. So it wasn't just out if anger which hurts more. I'm trying to retrain my mind to do it for me and build my own self confidence and be secure in who I am. However, it's hard when I've been rejected my whole life and now the man that is suppose to love me tells me this. Trying to build myself is causing a little resentment and anger towards him. I just feel depressed and a little lost. Then I'm angry at myself for believing the lies and staying for the last 16 years just because I love him. Then the kids also come into play. Then he asked me today how long am I gonna be depressed for and act like this? Really! I was taking a nap after work because I am exhausted mentally.

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If this happened to me, I would feel like the rug had been pulled too. Being overweight as a woman means feeling like you’re not good enough, that your worth is tied to your weight. When you start losing weight and this happens, it would make me feel like I’m not good enough no matter what I do. I would feel so defeated like, where do I go from here?

But since I am outside looking in, I can tell you that you DO matter and your weight does NOT define your worth or value. If your husband isn’t attracted to you and apparently never was, you have to decide for yourself if HE is good enough for YOU, if this type of relationship is what YOU want. How you go about figuring this out is up to you… a counselor, therapist, etc are all great options.

I also wonder, from experience, if he is a little insecure himself (about you and your weight loss). At this point there are probably few people who know you as well as he does, and he would know what to say to derail you even if he doesn’t realize it. Just thoughts, may or may not hold water. Just know that you have done incredibly well, you should be so proud of what you’ve accomplished!!

I'm so sorry that happened. And I know how much hurtful words from your spouse can really shake one at their core.
Could you find a marriage counselor who does online video calls? I think therapy is the only viable option to get to the root of what's going on. Or maybe a bariatric surgery support group for partners.
Someone had mentioned that he may feel threatened by your weight loss. That is not an uncommon problem; especially if the partner is insecure. Maybe try to build up his security. Men normally respond to verbal praise. For example, in the first few weeks after my surgery, my husband was a very grumpy person to be around. When I commented on it, he blew up and said how overwhelmed he felt with work, taking care of a large portion of the home responsibilities, that it's been all about me and my recovery, and a few other things. I took some time to process, and in the right timing, I thanked him for all he's doing and told him that it did not go unnoticed. I reassured him and built him back up. Since then, things have been going really well. Your therapist may have some other ideas.

You have every right to be upset about what your husband said. It was terrible and hurtful and not something a person should say to someone he loves. I should probably refrain from giving relationship advice because I've never been in a relationship, but I have read a lot of accounts of people who experienced relationship problems after they lost weight because of their partners' jealousy. I can't help but wonder if that's at play here -- maybe your husband is feeling insecure because people are noticing how good you look and he's afraid he'll no longer be good enough for you.

We all have our reasons for wanting to lose weight and wanting to get WLS, and even if 99.9% of the reason is about your health, I doubt there's a single person who doesn't have at least 0.1% of the reason as wanting others to find us more attractive. So there is nothing wrong with that. Even if your main reason for losing weight WAS in hopes of being more attractive to your husband, it's not too late to realize that you are worth it, and you were worth it all along. If your husband doesn't appreciate it, that's his loss, and now you can focus on things that are more important, like yourself, your health, your quality of life, and being there for your kids. Getting weight loss surgery is brave. You took a leap and changed your life. You lost 90 pounds in 6 months, which is amazing! How many people do you know who have done that (outside of this forum, of course)?

I hope your husband gets his head out of his rear and gives you the support that you deserve, but if he doesn't, remember that you have proven to yourself that you can do it.