I haven't posted in a long time because i have been going through a very hard time lately. My son was murdered in January and just typing that out is unreal to me even now. My whole life has been changed and i don't really know how to cope with it. I never thought I would ever deal with something like this. This stuff only happens on TV or to other people in big cities - certainly not in our little town. But it has happened and it has happened to me and i am trying to keep myself together and work and do the day to day things that need to be done but i have no feelings inside. No happiness. No joy. No desire. Only sadness - i cry all the time when no one is looking. I had to get sleeping pills from the doctor last week because i hadn't slept in three months and he said he thought i just needed to get some sleep and recharge. But what if i never have any feeling back other than the sadness? oh and anger i do feel anger from time to time. My granddaughter is having to go to a therapist to deal with her loss issues and she talks about her daddy all the time and it just kills me inside to hear her say that she doesn't have a daddy anymore or that her daddy is dead now or if my daddy was alive...she is only 6 and if it is this hard on me i can only imagine how hard it is for her.

At first i wasn't eating anything at all and now my eating is out of control in a way - i have started eating more junk foods. I had to have shoulder surgery and am almost done with my recovery so i have started to workout a little but my life is shambles. And to top it off the people who killed me son are out on bond. So ...I am a mess...

I know it probably isn't going to help to say it, because it only made me angry when people said it to me, but I am truly sorry for your loss. I have lost 3 children. 2 before birth and 1 at birth and there is no right or wrong way to deal or not deal with that loss. It's a deep pain that never completely goes away. If you are lucky, you manage to eventually get it into a box enough to go on with your life, but it's never gone. You will have days where you cry and scream and wish you could have died with them and you'll have days where life feels almost normal and then later that night you feel guilty for almost feeling normal again. It's a long process and for some it takes years to get to the place where they can handle living again. Grief counseling can help, but I didn't feel helped by it. I felt like they wanted to rush me through my grief to where they wanted me to be and feel and I just wasn't. Talking about it helps. Maybe talking to your grand daughter about her dad and the fun things he did as a kid or the funny things he'd say or just whatever. It can give you both something to heal with. My babies were so small when they died that I didn't have that memory to fall back on to get through to where I am. Am I "over it"? No, you never get over losing your child, and I still have days where I cry and miss them but I'm functional and I have come to the conclusion there is a reason I'm still here and I need to focus on that purpose until the day we are reunited again. You can't find the comfort for your pain in a bottle of booze, a bottle of pills, or like I did, a box of ice cream sandwiches daily. All it does is make you sicker and will eventually lead to your family mourning you sooner. Hang in there [emoji173]️

thank you all - for your words of support and your prayers. They all mean so much to me. I have started working out again this week - my doctor suggested it to me when i saw him for the sleeping pills a couple weeks ago and while i was working out I did feel really calm and kind of in control for that hour. I really am taking it one day at a time at this point. i think the first step for me was just saying this out loud - i haven't really talked to anyone about any of this outside of my family but i am going to keep an open mind about counseling. Thank you all so much for the advice and the kind words - it means so much!

we all love you, @devillynn. Don't ever hesitate to come here for support! <3

I am so sorry for your loss. Please seek out professional counseling. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you must be feeling. You took care of yourself by getting WLS now, please, take care of yourself again and talk with a professional to help you with your current situation. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

I am so very sorry for your loss. Sending you love and prayers. This is heartbreaking.

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To the OP...

No words...

Just love...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad unexpectedly a few years ago and it left a huge hole in my heart; I cannot image losing a son. Honestly, I used my kids as the reason to keep going because I knew they needed me. Please be good to yourself. Hugs and prayers for you and yours.

There are no words . . . Keeping you in my prayers and heart

@@devillynn - seek out professional help like everyone has already said and post here when you need to "talk". The lost of a child isn't something any parent wants to deal with its just wrong on so many levels but unfortunately it happens. the know that the people responsible are out on bail makes it worse. Focus on you and your grand daughter.

I lost my dad at 7. I didn't understand why he wasn't there. My parents were both alcoholics and would fight and separate and then get back together, then do it all over again. I thought he just left...

(((((((BIG HUG)))))))

jane

@devillyn. I truly can't imagine your pain. I do have a friend who lost her son to Suicide about 6 months ago and she has said the grief groups & counseling she got did help. The only thing I want to add to what others have said is to look into a special type of therapy called EMDR. it is probably the best therapy for trauma which is definitely what you have gone through. You can find out more & practitioners at emdria.org. And be good to & take care yourself during this time. Praying for you.

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Terribly sorry to hear this. You are doing exceptionally well by the numbers and while I am sure nothing can truly heal this tragedy, you are doing your son extremely proud. You would've been around for him, but now you will be around for his daughter, who is in desperate need of you. I hope you continue to do great and that you heal spiritually as far as that is possible, and that the prosecutor handling this case quickly puts the perpetrators of this crime away from the rest of humanity forever into the cell in which they will die a slow painful death from the meaninglessness of their existence.

Sweetheart, I am so sorry for what you are going through but you have got to do whatever it takes to get yourself out of the dump. You need to call on your Heavenly Father Jesus Christ and ask him to help you shake back. You are exactly where the devil wants you to be now so that he can play on your emotions. This is your life, get it back. I haven't lost any children but I have been through the depression before and it took me a while but I am finally free of that. I prayed myself out of it and I finally got on the right medicine. So I can relate on some level. this is the only advice I can give you. Go to God he will take care of you. I'll be praying too. God Bless.

Sorry for your loss. May the Peace of God embrace you

You will survive and pull through this. So will your granddaughter. We all have something inside ourselves that help us overcome adversity, and it is called resilience! As others have mentioned, go to counseling, whether it's a psychologist, therapist, church counselor, work counselor, or hotline. Perhaps do a few couples counseling sessions with your granddaughter. Counseling helps you confront your feelings and helps you develop problem-solving and coping skills. I'm glad to hear that you are exercising again. Your son would not you to lose the drive, ambition, and progress you have made. Do not be by yourself, get out of the house and spend time with others. Socializing will help with your depression and WLS motivation. I witnessed a friend and coworker take her last breaths the day before my surgery and it was hard emotionally and physically. As long as you keep thinking positive, enjoy life and your path to recovery. Hoping you and your family are well.

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Thanks y'all. I appreciate everyone keeping me and my family in their thoughts and prayers.