dead inside...

[devillynn 193]

I haven't posted in a long time because i have been going through a very hard time lately. My son was murdered in January and just typing that out is unreal to me even now. My whole life has been changed and i don't really know how to cope with it. I never thought I would ever deal with something like this. This stuff only happens on TV or to other people in big cities - certainly not in our little town. But it has happened and it has happened to me and i am trying to keep myself together and work and do the day to day things that need to be done but i have no feelings inside. No happiness. No joy. No desire. Only sadness - i cry all the time when no one is looking. I had to get sleeping pills from the doctor last week because i hadn't slept in three months and he said he thought i just needed to get some sleep and recharge. But what if i never have any feeling back other than the sadness? oh and anger i do feel anger from time to time. My granddaughter is having to go to a therapist to deal with her loss issues and she talks about her daddy all the time and it just kills me inside to hear her say that she doesn't have a daddy anymore or that her daddy is dead now or if my daddy was alive...she is only 6 and if it is this hard on me i can only imagine how hard it is for her.

At first i wasn't eating anything at all and now my eating is out of control in a way - i have started eating more junk foods. I had to have shoulder surgery and am almost done with my recovery so i have started to workout a little but my life is shambles. And to top it off the people who killed me son are out on bond. So ...I am a mess...

[FrankyG 1,450]

I am so sorry for your loss.

You really, really should be in grief counseling as well. Losing a loved one like that is devastating and there is no reason you should not go get professional help just like your granddaughter. Avoiding your grief and emotions and not knowing how to deal with them is going to make everything in your life harder - and eating crap foods is one of the signs that you really need help dealing with this.

Please seek help and take care of yourself.

[James Marusek 5,244]

I am sorry to hear of your loss. I will pray for you.

[KristenLe 5,979]

I'm so sorry for your loss! Please go to counseling and a grief support group. My heart breaks for you and your granddaughter!

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

I am so, so sorry for your loss. Words cannot express how sorry I am yet I cannot even begin to imagine what you and your family must be going through. This is just awful.

Of course you are an emotional wreck. That is so understandable.

Thank you for sharing your struggles with us. If I were there in person I would put my arms around you and give you a big hug.

Not that you are necessarily ready to hear advice from someone who has absolutely no idea what you are going through but I would like to throw out some suggestions. Hopefully something will be helpful,

Do you belong to a church or have a faith community? If so, please see if your pastor can provide some grief counseling or refer you somewhere.

Since your granddaughter is seeing a therapist (which is great) you might also want to see if you can find individual counseling and/or family counseling. As in any crisis where other people depend on you, you have got to put on your oxygen mask first. Until you get the support you need, you won't be in a position to provide support to anyone else.

Although eating junk food may provide you some immediate pleasure, it will not make you stronger or bring your son back or change the situation. This is when you need to be your healthiest. Treat your body with kindness.

Exercise would be a great way to help channel your emotions and express them in a healthy way. I heard a story lately about a group of grieving mother's who started a boxing club -- boxing helped them to deal with the grief, anger, etc.

Again, I am so glad you reached out to us. Marshaling all of your resources is what will help you the most in my opinion. There is nothing wrong with asking for and accepting help.

You and your family are in my prayers.

Let me know what I can do to help.

[heidikat72 935]

I am truly very sorry for what your family is dealing with now. In 2013, my boyfriend committed suicide and 4 months later my dad died from prostate cancer. I was devasted and spiraled out of control and into a deep depression that only started to lift late last year. I did not seek grief counseling at the time but should have. What did help me was talking things through with a friend who had lost her son to cancer 10 years earlier. So I highly recommend you find a counselor or support group or both. Being able to talk through it will help.

Also, acknowledge your feelings right now, it is ok to feel them and accept them. It is also ok to still experience joy so don't feel bad or like you shouldn't when you find yourself laughing at a joke or enjoying a moment. I wish I could tell you that one day you will wake up and feel great. For a while you will just be going through the motions of life, and it is important to go through those motions and not complete retreat into the depression. You will never "get over" the loss of your son. However, you will be able to go on and live a good life still. Gradually as time passes, the overwhelming grief will dissipate and you'll be able to remember your son fondly of all the good times while still being sad that he is no longer here.

Most importantly take care of yourself right now. That means get the counseling and support you need, nourish your body instead of trying to comfort yourself in junk food, take time for yourself, etc. Honor your son by continuing to live and your granddaughter is going to need you, but most of all do it for yourself because you deserve to live a good life.

[Amurillo04 109]

I can't imagine how you feel but I am so very sorry for your loss. Counseling will not unbreak your heart but it will teach you how to cope with such a terrible loss.

Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App

[Elaine The Great! 23]

My co-worker, and very good friend, went through the same experience a year and a half ago. Her son was shot and killed and the murderers got away with it. They said it was self defense, and who knows, maybe it was, but it doesn't matter. He was 17 and my friend had to bury her son. She was lost, just as you are now, in the shock and pain of it all. Those first weeks and months were awful. Watching her grieve was heartbreaking.

She went to his grave all the time and would put huge bouquets of flowers out there on the 12th day of each month, because that was his monthly anniversary. It was terrible to watch her go through all of that and I asked her why she was having another funeral each month, and she just said because she needed to do it.

At the one year anniversary of his death, the family gathered at the cemetery and they had a celebration of his life and she finally decided that it was ok to start to move forward. I reminded her that she has her daughters and that they lost their big brother and they needed her to focus on them, and not the ghost of their brother, because that is what she was doing. Her grief was heartbreaking, and it is absolutely true that nobody can imagine that kind of loss and pain unless they experience it.

Give yourself time and do what you need to do to make peace with what has happened. All of this is still so fresh for you, I know that you can't see how life will ever get better for you. My friend tells me that the best advice I gave her was to find a new normal. Life will never go back to the same way it was before this horrible thing happened. But that doesn't mean that you can't find peace and acceptance at some point in your future. One day you will be able to sit with your granddaughter and tell her funny, happy stories about when her daddy was a little boy, and you can talk about what happened and then work on putting the bad memories to bed, and replacing them with the ones of happier times that you will always have.

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. I will keep you in my thoughts, and I've lit a candle for you to try to help keep you out of the dark places. Peace & Strength to you.

[Valentina 2,642]

My heart bleeds for you. My tears are being shed for you. I know your pain. My S.O. committed suicide the day of my WLS. I am now closing in on the 5th anniversary of that day. I am still in therapy and only this past Jan. did I reach the point where I can pick up and carry on.

Time will sooth the pain, but it will be with you forever. Everyone grieves in their own way and there is no wrong way to do so.

I cancelled my therapy sessions several times of the years. I found that when I am just about ready to "get on", John "visits" me less often. I feel that if I "forget" him and start living my life to the fullest, he will no longer come to me when I am asleep or in meditation.

I am, through a wonderful therapist, beginning to "relive", and you will too---in your own time. In your own way. Feel the feelings. Shed the tears. Scream when you have to and NEVER be ashamed of doing any of it. It is (my opinion) your grief trying to find a release--to let go.

Just consider this: What great help you will be able to give your granddaughter after you become "Grandma" again and can share your memories of her dad when he was little like her? You may even be able to guide her out of the grieving darkness once you have found your way yourself.

Take care of yourself, my friend---THEN you will be able to help her.

Prayers going up for you. I will light a candle for you and your granddaughter tonight--right next to John's.

[HopeandAgony 566]

I just want to hug you. I have no words that can help, but know I'm here hurting for you. Hoping you and your family find peace some how.

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[Christinamo7 4,041]

loosing a child is the hardest thing I have ever experienced. There are no words, and the pain never goes away. There is always a missing place at your table and family pictures.

You are going to need help to get through it. Serious help.

one thing I promise, eating will not make you feel better. walking might just help a little. pushing around weights helped me. I lost two children 26 years ago. twin boys, Jacob and Job.

you will be in my prayers.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

@@devillynn - I'm sorry for your tragic loss, I can't imagine that level of pain. My thoughts are with you and yours. Please be kind to yourself and don't try to give yourself a time table, just take it one day at a time and breathe.

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,443]

@@devillynn, you have my deepest sympathies. I can offer only what the others have. Please join a support group and see a therapist and/or grief counselor. You've experienced the unspeakable and can only benefit by sharing with others. In sharing you'll be giving, too. Having an individual setting can only help, too.

[Sharon1964 2,530]

I have nothing else to add that hasn't already been said, except that we're here for you and we gotcher back.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I can't even imagine what this has been like. I hope you can get some grief support for yourself. I am so sorry you suffered this tragedy.

It isn't the same at all - but I lost my younger sister to cancer in 2007. She was also my best friend and confidant. I carried that grief for years - and one day I finally woke up and realized that while she lost her life way too young, she would never have wanted me to waste the years I had left focused on what I had lost rather than living a full life. It took me a long time to get there, but I finally got my act together, had weight loss surgery lost 150# and built a new life. I can honestly say that i have a better life than ever. I had alot of survivors guilt but was finally able to let it go and live the life God gave me, followed the path God gave me and I often feel like I have my sis as the angel their cheering me on.

Grief happens on its own timeline, and its own way, but do seek support/help so you can slowly rebuild this new life.

I am so sorry for your loss.