I've been debating wether to post on this. I've decided to because I've felt very alone on this forum as it seems there aren't many wls patients who have also struggled with this type of eating disorder and I want to share my experience in case anyone is out there and afraid to speak up about this issue.
I've had an eating disorder for about 15 years. I've gone through periods of anorexia, bulimia, and obsessive binge eating. My weight has gone from average(145-150) to overweight (250) to now underweight at 115. Five years before I had wls surgery I went through a rough period of bulimia/ binge eating and sought out treatment. I was in a 30 day outpatient program. It helped me get past bulimia but I was never able to stop compulsive binge eating which got me up to my highest weight and lead me towards wls.
I knew going into this that wls surgery could trigger my eating disorder and it has, big time. I am now truly anorexic with some bulimic behaviors also, and although I've been telling myself when I get to goal weight I will eat to maintain that is simply not happening. My goal weight keeps dropping and I'm sure I'm not going to be able to stop losing on my own.
I've been in weekly therapy with an eating disorder therapist and dietician since I had surgery and sadly it just hasn't been enough to keep me from slipping into this. She has been watching me literally waste away for months now and is very concerned. While my BMI is still technically in the normal range, I've recently begun losing about 3 pounds per week again because I've simply stopped trying to maintain and it's only going to go downhill from here. I look in the mirror and I can see all of my ribs and my body looks like a little girls. But as soon as I walk away from the mirror I feel fat again and want to lose more. Body dysmorphia is a real thing.
For me the issue is complicated, wrapped up in fear of regaining, a deep sense of satisfaction and safety in seeing the scale drop, anxiety around most foods and the inability to see how thin I've gotten and feel comfortable in my skin. Dieting and losing weight is the way I feel in control of my life, and eating is an emotional comfort that goes very deep in me and leads me into guilt and an ugly cycle of feeling guilty about food even in small portions.
Being overweight in this world is very difficult. I was tortured about it as a child and simply equated my own self worth with my weight regardless of health and logic. Having an eating disorder is an indescribable horror. It consumes your life and makes it impossible to function normally and be successful and happy.
I promised myself that if I got to this point where I felt out of control and in a full fledged relapse I would admit myself into treatment before it took over my life again and I hurt myself. Being post wls I feel like I'm already fragile enough and to be unable to adequately eat is putting me at major risk for serious health issues. It's gotten so bad lately I'm having trouble even taking in Water and I'm resistant to Vitamins, basically I'm unable to care for myself correctly. Thoughts about food and weight take up all of my attention and I'm suffering in my relationships, work, family life, etc.
I'm going to go into a live in therapy program for 30-90 days and hopefully get past this so I can enjoy my life and maintain my weight in the future.
If there is anyone out there struggling with an eating disorder I'd love to chat with you. I'm grateful for the support I've received on this forum from so many wonderful people and though I may not post for awhile my heart is with you all in your journey.
I've been debating wether to post on this. I've decided to because I've felt very alone on this forum as it seems there aren't many wls patients who have also struggled with this type of eating disorder and I want to share my experience in case anyone is out there and afraid to speak up about this issue.
I've had an eating disorder for about 15 years. I've gone through periods of anorexia, bulimia, and obsessive binge eating. My weight has gone from average(145-150) to overweight (250) to now underweight at 115. Five years before I had wls surgery I went through a rough period of bulimia/ binge eating and sought out treatment. I was in a 30 day outpatient program. It helped me get past bulimia but I was never able to stop compulsive binge eating which got me up to my highest weight and lead me towards wls.
I knew going into this that wls surgery could trigger my eating disorder and it has, big time. I am now truly anorexic with some bulimic behaviors also, and although I've been telling myself when I get to goal weight I will eat to maintain that is simply not happening. My goal weight keeps dropping and I'm sure I'm not going to be able to stop losing on my own.
I've been in weekly therapy with an eating disorder therapist and dietician since I had surgery and sadly it just hasn't been enough to keep me from slipping into this. She has been watching me literally waste away for months now and is very concerned. While my BMI is still technically in the normal range, I've recently begun losing about 3 pounds per week again because I've simply stopped trying to maintain and it's only going to go downhill from here. I look in the mirror and I can see all of my ribs and my body looks like a little girls. But as soon as I walk away from the mirror I feel fat again and want to lose more. Body dysmorphia is a real thing.
For me the issue is complicated, wrapped up in fear of regaining, a deep sense of satisfaction and safety in seeing the scale drop, anxiety around most foods and the inability to see how thin I've gotten and feel comfortable in my skin. Dieting and losing weight is the way I feel in control of my life, and eating is an emotional comfort that goes very deep in me and leads me into guilt and an ugly cycle of feeling guilty about food even in small portions.
Being overweight in this world is very difficult. I was tortured about it as a child and simply equated my own self worth with my weight regardless of health and logic. Having an eating disorder is an indescribable horror. It consumes your life and makes it impossible to function normally and be successful and happy.
I promised myself that if I got to this point where I felt out of control and in a full fledged relapse I would admit myself into treatment before it took over my life again and I hurt myself. Being post wls I feel like I'm already fragile enough and to be unable to adequately eat is putting me at major risk for serious health issues. It's gotten so bad lately I'm having trouble even taking in Water and I'm resistant to Vitamins, basically I'm unable to care for myself correctly. Thoughts about food and weight take up all of my attention and I'm suffering in my relationships, work, family life, etc.
I'm going to go into a live in therapy program for 30-90 days and hopefully get past this so I can enjoy my life and maintain my weight in the future.
If there is anyone out there struggling with an eating disorder I'd love to chat with you. I'm grateful for the support I've received on this forum from so many wonderful people and though I may not post for awhile my heart is with you all in your journey.
Edited by bellabloom